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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:09:51 PM   
janiebelle


Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

What's the best approach for a couple when they fight over power? The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day. She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with. Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking. What to do? She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time. Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented. In cases like that, who does the deciding?


If she is submissive, wants the Dom to take charge, and likes submitting, she will not have to be forced to do something that she simply would rather not do at the time.  Her desire will bend to his, as this a tenet of the dynamic.
A woman who does what she wants, sometimes to her man's pleasure, sometimes not, is treating his desires as coincidental to her own, she is not submitting her will to his.
Fix him his favorite supper and be happy to have him there to be able to do this for him.
j

(in reply to rednicky)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:13:36 PM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		I agree. this wouldn't happen in my home for she/he would find them selfs turned every which way but loose with a ball gag in their mouth the color red to match their ass....I have and maintain total control in my home,with this have been said this doesn't mean that I won't listen to suggestions especially from my beautiful wife smile..B

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:19:04 PM   
janiebelle


Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline 		I never understand the folks who talk about these arguments betwen D and s.
I could never respect a man who would deign to argue with me.  It is unbecoming for a Dominant to "stoop" to that level.
j

(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:21:34 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

What's the best approach for a couple when they fight over power? The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day. She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with. Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking. What to do? She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time. Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented. In cases like that, who does the deciding?



I'm afraid to say that while an appeal is all well and good there can only be one leader.

Seems that the couple in question need to have a rethink on whether or not they're suited.

Edited to add: I suppose it depends on the significance of the issue. I wouldn't be best pleased in the event I couldn't get good wine and food served by my woman - that would be one of the main reasons why you're in my home. Television? help yourself providing it's not endless drivel. It's a matter of what you need out of life.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 6/3/2009 1:29:42 PM >

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:25:14 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne
I am still agreeing with NZ.

The only reason I'm not agreeing with NZ on this one is that I don't think we're looking at dom/sub here at all insofar as I understand those concepts. So I ignored whatever I think doms ought to do or subs ought to do and went with... "you two need to figure out what works for you." In the end, as always, the labels mean nothing. Whatever it is that the OP does or does not do, if it works for them great and if they want to call it dominance and submission, who are we to argue -- especially given that not a single person here could define either of those two words in a way which was meaningful across the community.

what I'm reading here is two people who like to flirt with power exchange scenarios but don't really want to commit to anything beyond some experimentation.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to ShaharThorne)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:25:43 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		yep. that's why I said to consider that one may not be a submissive, but instead a sensual bottom.  And there is nothing wrong with that at all.  It all comes down to choosing wisely.. and from my point of view, not jumping into the "I must be submisive or dominant, because this makes me wet/hard" camp.  Not everyone is submissive or dominant regardless of kinky desires.  I see so many people who get into this because it makes them wet/hard.  When it is not submitting or dominating that really does it, it is only the MOMENT that does it.  I am sure there are many nilla's out there who indulge without catagorising themselves because someone suggests that they must be this, or that.
The internet, lovely as it is, has done a job on head shrinking people into believing they must be this. 
It all comes down to knowing what you want (even if that is limited time on kink) and finding the partner to match.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

I'm reading back over the OP again and, more and more, getting the feeling that it's not submission at all.

See...the entire point of submitting is the surrender of something. Presumably over any and everything that you didn't request to be left with autonomy before the relationship began.

but the very reason you are a submissive is because, after the tantrum is done, you will do it. Because you trust his judgment...even if you don't like/want it.

That's submission. Choose wisely.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:31:39 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		See I tried writing this earlier but then deleted it but I am going to give it a bash again.

If we have a debate on this forum about what the difference between a submissive and a slave is the answer is always there is no clear definition so how in this context people can say well that isnt submitting is baffling to me.

Relationships have their own specific individual dynamics, many people have relationships that thrive on power struggle there are even the names , bratty, SAM. We apply the labels that we feel comfortable with and the variation of what that means to each person is massive.

To me if this is a relationship style that works for them well then good for them. There are plenty of submissives who do not want 24/7 relationships who enjoy challenging it, there are also many dominants who get a kick out of it too. Good for them.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:38:10 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		You are NOT going to like my answers

quote:

The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day.

She's a bottom then.
quote:

She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with.

No, she does not want him to take charge. She wants him to take charge on HER terms.
quote:

Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking

Who's the one in charge here again?
My answer...get off her ass and go cook the poor man some food.
quote:

She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time

Again...who is in charge here?
quote:

Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented.

And why would I say no?
After all, if I am in this kind of relationship, it's his decision, not mine. Make up your mind...either you want to submit or you don't. Unless you are talking switch here, it can't be both ways.
quote:

In cases like that, who does the deciding?


Ummm trick question, right?



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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:41:03 PM   
immoral


Posts: 99
Joined: 6/9/2006
Status: offline 		My Previous Master used to say.... "there is  no try- there is  do, or  do  not "   it gives you a different mindset, not that you dont feel that sometimes its difficult.. but the real struggle is in yourself.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:44:09 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, Nicky,
Based on this post (Particularly the 'I don't feel like it' tone coupled with the use of extremist examples like scat and such) but also tempered with knowledge from past posts of yours, I'm going to go with:
You seem to want a service top more than a Dominant partner. 
In relationships that have any hope of lasting long-term, there's some sense of ebb and flow (Regardless of dynamics, imo), however, things agreed upon are things agreed upon and sometimes there are facets that are not flexible.  ANd, relationships aren't for the faint-of-heart: sometimes they're hard as hell but the good ones are worth it. 
What I see here is not a submissive mindset at all but more of someone who wants to bottom occasionally but who brats when there are expectations that they behave in a submissive fashion.  And, as far as being relationship-minded, not seeing a lot of that evidenced here either. 
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 6/3/2009 1:45:39 PM >

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:45:14 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

To me if this is a relationship style that works for them well then good for them.



Aye fair enough Colouredin though the OP is talking of a 'power struggle'. I'd estimate that authority is one of the constants - a relationship without a clear line of authority is a recipe for chaos. Perhaps it's just me as I like my relationships all neat and tidy so we know what's going on and what isn't - why argue when we can all jsut accept our place in the pack and get on like a house on fire.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:47:58 PM   
immoral


Posts: 99
Joined: 6/9/2006
Status: offline 		smiles....as a mother of two myself id have to say   with  luck he is a wonderful  man/father /and  D who  will  have bothered  to see how your day is going  earlier on  , and will  come  home with  a take away.!!

(in reply to sirsholly)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:49:03 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
After all, if I am in this kind of relationship, it's his decision, not mine. Make up your mind...either you want to submit or you don't. Unless you are talking switch here, it can't be both ways.


I may be misinterpreting here but just wanted to say that we switches (Raises hand, waves, and grins) aren't all brats.  This sort of lack of solidity of dedication has nothing to do with switcheyness and everything to do with lack of commitment, immaturity, and brattiness, imo. 
  Davan


_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:49:34 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

l
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

What's the best approach for a couple when they fight over power? The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day. She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with. Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking. What to do? She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time. Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented. In cases like that, who does the deciding?


Who does the deciding?  Why, the person you both agreed to does.

Do me a favour ..... Sitting on my lazy arse because I can't be fagged to cook really doesn't come close to having to deal with shit or vomit in some way. It's no use trying to compare the two...It's called a *red herring*.

Was *cooking* an established* hard limit* .....LOL.

If you don't want to submit, all day every day, then arrange life that way. If you want him to take charge only when you want him to, then let the poor bugger know. If I want to make choices my owner doesn't *like* they'd better be about something a bit more significant than not wanting to cook a meal.

agirl








(in reply to rednicky)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:50:46 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
I'd estimate that authority is one of the constants - a relationship without a clear line of authority is a recipe for chaos. Perhaps it's just me as I like my relationships all neat and tidy so we know what's going on and what isn't


Me too, I can't cope with not knowing where I am in things, but then its like I was saying to a few friends the other day, I couldnt cope with having a relationship without explicit power exchange, many people do (indeed its the 'norm') I think that there are power relations and issues in all relationships but who is to say what will or wont work for others.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:50:58 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
After all, if I am in this kind of relationship, it's his decision, not mine. Make up your mind...either you want to submit or you don't. Unless you are talking switch here, it can't be both ways.


I may be misinterpreting here but just wanted to say that we switches (Raises hand, waves, and grins) aren't all brats.  This sort of lack of solidity of dedication has nothing to do with switcheyness and everything to do with lack of commitment, immaturity, and brattiness, imo. 
  Davan


LOL yep, you did misinterpret...but thats ok, because, let's face it, I could have worded it much better I was more or less referring to the fact that my first answer to her was that she was a bottom ...and that from the sounds of things...she switches back and forth between that and a top.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:52:28 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Perhaps it's just me as I like my relationships all neat and tidy so we know what's going on and what isn't - why argue when we can all jsut accept our place in the pack and get on like a house on fire.


So if I come and visit, you're gonna make me chow down on the e-coli?

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:53:02 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

everything to do with lack of commitment, immaturity, and brattiness, imo.  



Not necesarily.

Perhaps the woman in question feels she isn't getting a fair crack of the whip in other areas and is reacting by challenging his authority. Who knows - there's always more than one possibility.


_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:55:27 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for the clarification and sorry for the misinterpretation, Irish Mist.  :> 
Your conceptualization of what's going on is far more kind than mine. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 1:57:48 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

everything to do with lack of commitment, immaturity, and brattiness, imo.  



Not necesarily.

Perhaps the woman in question feels she isn't getting a fair crack of the whip in other areas and is reacting by challenging his authority. Who knows - there's always more than one possibility.



Yep........but only the one she's presenting. She *could be* all sorts of things and so could he.

agirl


(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 40
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