RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power?

Page: << < prev 4 5 6 7 [8]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 8:08:48 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

So how would this girl get over her stubborn streak without being bitter about not getting her own way?

Interesting question...for me, it again comes down to the dynamic of the relationship. Is it a BRATTY submissive/Dominant who enjoys provocation dynamic? Is it a "little girl who puts" submissive/"Daddy" dominant who understands always and indulges sometimes dynamic? This should be established BEFORE the dynamic is entered into. But in the end, submission is just that...submission. To submit means to yield your will to that of another. Bitterness about not getting your own way is unbecoming in any human being, even more so in a submissive because if she IS submissive, she understands...or should...that if she is going to yield her will, it is NOT always going to be when she likes it. Now...a brat may fight but eventually yields. A "little girl" may pout but, if there is submission at the core of the dynamic, she eventually yields. Someone who chooses to be bitter over not getting her way is not submitting out of a desire to follow his will, she is submitting because she THINKS she should. Not because she knows she should.

quote:

She knows compromising is the right thing to do but no one likes not getting their way, especially if it means more work for them. Even if it makes her partner happy, that may not be enough to keep her from grumbling.

I've said it before and I've seen it said on here...even though any D/s dynamic I enter into is going to be one of "I lead, you follow...I command, you obey...my way or the highway ", that doesn't mean that I am not flexible. Any reasonable, rational dominant understands that the submissive's life may have been shit that day or, as in holly's case, that they've dealt with a cranky, fussy, demanding L.O. that day and could use a break and this rational and reasonable dominant is also smart enough to recognize the need for flexibility. But these scenarios are a helluva lot different than "I don't feel like it right now" or "I'm watching T. V. and don't wanna cook tonight", especially if it comes with an undertone of "and I'm going to be a sulky, petulant bitch even though I agreed to submit if you make me do what I agreed to do".

quote:

And I'm sure he wouldn't be very content if he saw her hating every moment of cooking.

I wouldn't be. But there again, if the reason my submissive was hating having to cook was because of the chintzy reasons you noted, my submissive would be told that she's got about 2 more minutes to sulk and then she'd better get happy because, after all, she is pleasing me and she stated when she entered into the dynamic that THAT was what pleased her. So, since she is doing something pleasing to me and thus her, she should have a smile on her face.

quote:

How can this solution work and make both parties happy? I keep hearing you all talk about how things always work out between you and your Doms or subs. How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?

I've answered most of this last part in my previous statements. I cannot speak to how submissives keep from being upset about not getting their way but there again, I do admit to some puzzlement...for many submissives, the yielding of their will...and hence their way...was what they agreed to, was what they agreed WOULD make them happy. I am smart enough to know that as humans, not everything I tell a submissive to do is going to be something she likes but I still expect her to do it with some grace and with acceptance.

(in reply to rednicky)

Profile

Post #: 141

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 1:05:41 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Failing that there's always Russian roulette.......

OO

Can I play too?

You're in.......fraid there's no last meal though...times are hard......

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Profile

Post #: 142

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 1:19:11 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

****Woo hoo, my divorce heairng was just yesterday and already a trans-Atlantic wedding proposal! I am honored! :>

Ahhhh yes.....there's nothing like putting your foot in it......there's a divorce going on right at this very moment and I'm talking about marriage....

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

****You're in a more positive mindset than am I on this. :> Not wrong or bad, just more willing to give the benefit of the doubt that it's not chronic bratting more than I. :>
Davan

Well I read the later post about looking for a man who doesn't tread carefully around her and perhaps we're into the realms of 'confused'.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to DavanKael)

Profile

Post #: 143

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 1:35:45 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
****Woo hoo, my divorce heairng was just yesterday and already a trans-Atlantic wedding proposal! I am honored! :>

Ahhhh yes.....there's nothing like putting your foot in it......there's a divorce going on right at this very moment and I'm talking about marriage....

****I didn't consider you to have put your foot in it; hey, I'm nearly divorced, thus, it's a perfect time for the proposals to begin (Yours wasn't the first but, as I said, it was the first trans-Atlantic proposal, so still distinctive, lol!). :>

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
****You're in a more positive mindset than am I on this. :> Not wrong or bad, just more willing to give the benefit of the doubt that it's not chronic bratting more than I. :>
Davan

Well I read the later post about looking for a man who doesn't tread carefully around her and perhaps we're into the realms of 'confused'.

****Far as I can figure, she really likes the attention she gets here (Stated that clearly on another thread) and she's kinda, sorta trying to figure out pile of conflicting emotions, some of which revolve around possible D/s dynamics. Were I a betting person, though, I'd bet not a submissive but, who knows.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Profile

Post #: 144

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 3:46:57 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I am a person before being a sub or a slave and will not be with someone who sees submission in cut and dried terms. (I have only read the first page, and choose not to continue at this time...*lol*)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to sirsholly)

Profile

Post #: 145

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 4:42:27 PM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

What's the best approach for a couple when they fight over power? The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day. She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with. Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking. What to do? She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time. Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented. In cases like that, who does the deciding?

here's my personal philosophy.

if a sub does not want to 'submit all of the time' then that is my failing. I've no desire to put on a pair of leather pants and demand (read: beg) my whims be catered to. if anything, I should improve myself so that I inspire obedience.

who decides on what to do? well...if I have a desire, I ask her. if she says no, that's that. fortunately, that's not an issue for us.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to rednicky)

Profile

Post #: 146

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 4:46:32 PM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Sometimes when a submissive refuses to do things she is simply testing the boundaries of the relationship, the strength of her dominant.

if I suspected that a woman was purposefully being catty in order to provoke a response, that would be the end of the relationship. if I wanted level of maturity in a partner I'd spend a lot more time at middle school dances.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Profile

Post #: 147

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 5:03:21 PM

BigdawgsPSP

Posts: 10
Joined: 5/2/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

What's the best approach for a couple when they fight over power? The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day. She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with. Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking. What to do? She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time. Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented. In cases like that, who does the deciding?

posted with permission...

haven't read through everything but would like to respond to the original OP

i am a slave (or sub or whatever you want to call it) anytime He wants me to be. Period. By no stretch of the imagination am i a 24/7 slave... i work over 48 hrs a week... but more importantly it is not what He wants me to be. Sometimes i am allowed to just be His companion, His wife. But His decisions, His wants - these are what is important. So the minute He says no - and He usually listens at least once - then my ass is cooking. It only takes one word (literally) - no matter where we are or what i may want - for me to remember where my priorities are and know who i am.

i posed this question to Him as i sat here and, after looking at me like i was an idiot, He answered one word,. "Me"
i asked Him whether He meant the cooking or the scat/vomit limits and He said it made no difference... the answer doesn't change.

(in reply to rednicky)

Profile

Post #: 148

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 5:08:06 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

Well I don't have him yet colour. In any case, A Dom might think he's doing me a courtesy by 'pushing' me on those days that I can't say no when, in fact, he may be ruining the experience of submission for me by being 'too' demanding. He won't be perfect.

That's why you talk about it the next day, so you can iron out all the bugs. If all day Tuesday and Friday is too much, then you cut back just like you can add on. Make it Tuesday and Friday nights. Like I said, if he wants you to succeed, he's going to take those baby steps with you and if he doesn't want you to succeed, then you're probably not in a good relationship in the first place.

To the OP,
I think BitaTruble's suggestions and perspective are excellent!

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Profile

Post #: 149

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 6:15:23 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

Well Daven, I don't dislike white people. I actually see them as super nice. I know it's silly but, around me, they'll start conversations with complete strangers in elevators and a week later have a new best friend. That's very uncommon among the black people I know. It's nice to see but I guess I'm inherently defensive when I'm around others. A lot o black people I know are. especially around others outside of the race. Why? I'm not sure. I've tried talking in elevators after witnessing others do it. Things never went beyond the doors as far as friendship goes. I had a white roommate and she was friends with everyone in my hallway (all white) so there were people over a lot. I could never be friends with them. I tried...but I'm not into talking about what they talked about (mostly boys). Only because it's petty. Life is more about boys and being skinny so that you look good for boys and tanning so you look hot for boys and flirting with this cute boy and blah blah blah. What I'm about to say is NOT meant to be rude at all. It's just what I've heard and seen. Usually my roommates and their friends talked like:

And he was like "oh my God you are just seriously acting like a bitch right now" and I was "whateverrrr. You're just like being so immature right now. I just don't even want to talk to you." So I just like hung up on him and he called me like twice. I answered and he like apologized and we made up so me and Brandon are like going out now."
"Wow Lisa (that was her name) that is sooo sweet. OMG (yes omg, not oh my god). I wish Tommy and I had that kind of relationships. Hey do you feel like going to the deli?"
"Yeah I need to only like eat salad today, cause my thighs are like soooo fat right now."

It sounds stereotypical but that's how it pretty much went. Real names. real dialog. Though his name might not have been Tommy. And they cried about EVERYTHING. If a girls' boyfriend did not return a call, she cried. If they got into a face to face argument with a guy about how he gave Lisa a hug two days ago but not her, she cried. Always crying. ALWAYS AT 2 AM!! And I just can't listen to that. I just can't. I heard the word "like" more than I wanted to. It was crazy. They talk about being fat a lot. I don't want to hear it. I suppose it was because we have different body types. I am less concerned because I have hips. These girls kind of didn't (not to say all white people don't or anything). And they were a little bit back stabby. Now that's with any group of girls but as soon as '1' of those girls left the room, the others would start talking about the one that was gone. Ugh. I can't be friends with that. Unfortunately, these were the 'cool' people. Everyone else I've ever met that was white who didn't act like this were usually losers. They watched a LOT of anime and had no sense of style. I would like to make friends who are in between. Not so obsessed with boys, sex, smoking, and body image but, at the same time, have a relationship with God, and a sense of style and is socially up to date on music and hot topics. I do have friends like this. They are black. I've never met a white person with these features. Why? I'm not sure.

My very white, very suburban daughter complains about the other girls in college in exactly the same way you do. She's your age btw. What I see as the difference between her and the rest is that she has a serious interest which she works on. She's an avid horseback rider, taking classes in new disciplines, taking lessons to keep up in the stuff she shows seriously in.

The only real friends she has made are kids who also have a serious interest. A lot of them are other equestrians, but an equal number are art students who willingly get up at 4:30 in the morning to get a slot at glass blowing just like the equestrians go to the show arena at that hour to get their horses accustomed to the noise of the fans and the narrowness of the chute. The kids who aren't willing to sacrifice to get what they want, the ones with no work ethic are the ones she looks down on.

So what are you seriously focused on?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to rednicky)

Profile

Post #: 150

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 7:09:24 PM

patina

Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

So how would this girl get over her stubborn streak without being bitter about not getting her own way? She knows compromising is the right thing to do but no one likes not getting their way, especially if it means more work for them. Even if it makes her partner happy, that may not be enough to keep her from grumbling. And I'm sure he wouldn't be very content if he saw her hating every moment of cooking. How can this solution work and make both parties happy? I keep hearing you all talk about how things always work out between you and your Doms or subs. How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?

First you decide if this is what you want, then you honor the choice YOU made to HIM or get out of it. If you choose to stay, you grow up and realize that sometimes you will not be fully happy but you can be content which is better.

If you do not like to cook find quick easy meals to make or meals that make enough to provide 2 -5 servings. Leftover --chili can be used for taco or nacho and cheese, burritoes, --spaghetti sauce can be turned into taco, chili or, hot dog sauce,-- left over chicken can be made into noodles, chicken salad, chicken with rice, soup, dumplings-- roast can be made into bar b que, beef and noodles, beef stew, vegg soup.

You gave up getting your way when you accepted this lifestyle, if you want to do kink and have control fine but find a man not a Dom or Master to be with.

patina(KJH)

slave to Sir Kenneth

_____________________________

a diamond in the rough

(in reply to rednicky)

Profile

Post #: 151

RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/4/2009 7:18:21 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky
fyi, for those of you who said the person in the post is a switch, I do not agree. At no point does she want to tell her Dom what to do. Everyone is lazy at times.

I agree, it has nothing to do with being a switch. I am a switch, and have gone from top to bottom within the same scene, but that doesn't mean I can be lazy or ignore my partner's needs! I so far haven't felt any inclination to both dominate and submit to the same person.

There are a lot of people here (and on other sites, and who do D/s but not aren't involved in the public scene or BDSM online communities) who are bedroom-only submissives. Nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone is (on the same page, and has agreed to it. If you're ok with cooking and doing housework most of the time, but occasionally don't feel like it, or don't want to feel it is part of your obligation/regular duties (it's nice feeling appreciated), then discuss it with your partner! I've done housework from a mindset of service/submission, but it started out more as wanting to be helpful, and we often did chores such as laundry together (in my last relationship, as a submissive). My mindset gradually transformed, and I became even more open to doing it as time passed, but if he'd started out being very demanding about it, I would have developed negative rather than positive associations with it.

(in reply to rednicky)

Profile

Post #: 152