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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 4:56:13 PM   
newone11


Posts: 75
Joined: 6/8/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

So how would this girl get over her stubborn streak without being bitter about not getting her own way? She knows compromising is the right thing to do but no one likes not getting their way, especially if it means more work for them. Even if it makes her partner happy, that may not be enough to keep her from grumbling. And I'm sure he wouldn't be very content if he saw her hating every moment of cooking. How can this solution work and make both parties happy? I keep hearing you all talk about how things always work out between you and your Doms or subs. How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?


Someone* said suck it up.  Yeah, pretty much. 

I'm not one who loves submitting every minute of every day.  I really, really don't.  And I feel so friggin' inadequate when I read posts from blissfully happy subs/slaves who embrace it completely, 100% of the time.  It's just not me...getting my way makes me pretty happy!  But being submissive makes me more content and happier, most of the time. 

But not all the time.  Sometimes it just bites.  You don't always have to like it.  I do not get a sense of joy when I'm doing laundry and he's playing a computer game.  I do not get a sense of joy when I'm in the mood for a Pepsi or ice cream or whatever sweet treat I'm craving and he's not around to ask permission. 

To my mind, you have to do it (assuming you asked for a mini-break and were denied) or accept the consequences of not doing it.  One of those consequences might be that you/he/she/whomever you are speaking about decides that, in general, the relationship isn't what they really want or need. 

For myself, is he going to leave me because I don't feel like cooking dinner?  No, he's not. 

If I asked for a break, he denied, and I refused anyway?  Yeah, there are going to be consequences.  (And judging by past experiences...I will not enjoy the consequences of disobeying a direct order from him this time either.) 

If it, or things along the same lines, continue to be an issue?  It's time to re-think the relationship.

Daven said, "If someone's truly regarding submission as drudgery, then I think they need to self-assess and/or look at the situation. "  She hit the nail on the head.

*missturbation said it.

--Edited to give proper credit.

< Message edited by newone11 -- 6/3/2009 5:01:41 PM >

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 4:59:27 PM   
janiebelle


Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline 		sympatico.

j

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Profile   Post #: 102
RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:08:38 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

Because vanilla hasn't worked out for me. Men treat me like glass in real life and are afraid to challenge me, even if I'm wrong. Maybe it's because I'm small. maybe it's because I'm black (I am in a dominantly white area). I don't know. And the opposite sex is especially notorious for this. I guess I'm over compensating by wanting a Dominant man (someone I know won't tip toe around me). I don't really know.


Hi, Nicky----
This time to the boards (Versus a few months ago), you're more receptive to engaging in conversation and considering ideas.  I think that is a positive step. 
I can only look at the modes of interaction that you've used on the boards as a means of gaging your interactional style with others but here, you've done a lot of emotional speaking and speaking in extremes.  I think you'll find if that is the way that you relate, people are going to give you space as they don't want a spastic chick going batty on 'em. 
You live in the same state as do I, so I'm going to think that I know a little about demographics here.  Your profile says you're in Baltimore.  If you're in the city, you're going to see a majority of black people, so similar ethnicity to yourself. 
If you're in Baltimore County, you're going to see white people are the majority and people may treat you as if you're glass (To use your terminology) for any number of reasons, though I'm betting that presentation has far more to do with it than size or sex or race. 
I'm a small female.  People in general quickly learn to treat me as my demeanor guides them and if I am in a relationship with someone, my submission is something that is not a task, it is a pleasure and a natural inclination.  I may also be Dominant in a close relationship with someone, again, my parnter can count on me to be consistent and take joy and pride in our interactions. 
I think that looking at your own interactional style is somewhere from which to start. 
Communicating assertively and not using manipulation to get your way is so, so huge.  Also, realizing that as much as it sucks, no one gets their way all of the times (Not Doms, not subs, not vanilla folks, not < insert name of group of your choosing here >). 
I'm not sure that what you've described in terms of vanilla not working for you means that you are someone for whom power dynamics is a good fit.  Learning about yourself and others more will help you with that. 
If you'd like some information on bdsm groups in the area, I know of one in particular that is very local to you and is geared toward those 35 and under, feel free to let me know and I will pass along the information. 
  Davan


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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:10:17 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

So how would this girl get over her stubborn streak without being bitter about not getting her own way? She knows compromising is the right thing to do but no one likes not getting their way, especially if it means more work for them. Even if it makes her partner happy, that may not be enough to keep her from grumbling. And I'm sure he wouldn't be very content if he saw her hating every moment of cooking. How can this solution work and make both parties happy? I keep hearing you all talk about how things always work out between you and your Doms or subs. How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?


Perhaps their expectations just don't match.

As for: How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?

If getting her way is important to her but she sees herself as submissive, I might suggest sitting down with a Kink Aware orientated therapist  who can perhaps help her sort out how to reconcile these apparently disparate needs.





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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:10:17 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

Because vanilla hasn't worked out for me. Men treat me like glass in real life and are afraid to challenge me, even if I'm wrong. Maybe it's because I'm small. maybe it's because I'm black (I am in a dominantly white area). I don't know. And the opposite sex is especially notorious for this. I guess I'm over compensating by wanting a Dominant man (someone I know won't tip toe around me). I don't really know.


I think you're confusing domineering with dominant. A truly dominant man is going to realize you're too tired from the day and need a half hour nap to be at your best. Following which you may cook or he may suggest ordering in.

A domineering one is going to think that whenever he does what's best for you means he's losing control.

A man can be dominant and still laid back.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 6/3/2009 5:51:26 PM >

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:19:59 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Heres the clincher, at the end of the day rednicky your 'friend' needs to decide what is more important, doing what is meant to happen in D/s relationships or finding someone who is compatible. I completely agree that as DesFIP said, dominant and domineering are two different things. You have to establish what you need. If you want to submit then cool do that, if you don't you don't have to but strong men are not only found on BDSM sites.

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:20:53 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

What's the best approach for a couple when they fight over power?


Communicate.

quote:

The sub may be submissive but she may not want to submit all of the time, every day.


Baby steps. Start off slow. Make an agreement that on .. oh, say every Tuesday and Friday, whether she likes it or not, she agrees that the power dynamic is she serves/submits. On Wednesday and Saturday, talk about the day before. What worked, what didn't. Was there too much pressure, not enough? Too much attitude? Work on the individual parts so the whole thing works. There is no race here, no blue ribbon at the end, so take all the time you need to ease into the new dynamic.

quote:

She may want a Dom to take charge but she may also want to make choices that he may not agree with.


Stop making choices and start sharing opinions. If you feel like you've been heard but you still do not get what you want keep in mind that none of us, dom, sub or President get what we want all the time. Share the opinion, then let it go.. On Tuesdays and Fridays.

quote:

Like if she wants to sit and watch tv and order in while he feels like a home cooked meal. What if she doesn't feel like cooking. What to do?


If it's Tuesday or Friday, she needs to get off her ass and cook. If it's any other day, order in and be a tv bum.

quote:

She likes submitting but she does not want to be forced to do something she has no interest in at the time.


Do it anyway just like when you go to the gyno for the yearly pap smear.. you don't like it, it sucks.. but do it anyway .. on Tuesday's and Fridays.

quote:

Like if you (a sub) weren't into something (like scat of vomit) I'm sure you would say no when the idea is presented. In cases like that, who does the deciding?


The dom .. on Tuesdays and Fridays.

After a month or so of that, add in .. oh, maybe a Sunday. See how that works. If a full day is too much, add in Sunday mornings along with Tuesday and Friday.

Make a solid committment to those times and add to them gradually, graciously because it's is what you really want, not what you think you have to do. Let Tuesdays, Fridays and Sunday morning be your stepping stones to adding in Wednesdays and Thursdays and the rest of the days.

No matter how small, baby steps still keep you moving forward. Make a committment to your submission because it is 'who' you are .. and if it is who you are, gradually it will just feel right to be who you are all the time. Don't be afraid of stumbling or falling.. we all stumble and fall on occasion, just put your hand out, ask for some help up and start walking again.

Good luck to you.

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 6/3/2009 5:21:55 PM >

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:21:33 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

So how would this girl get over her stubborn streak without being bitter about not getting her own way? She knows compromising is the right thing to do but no one likes not getting their way, especially if it means more work for them. Even if it makes her partner happy, that may not be enough to keep her from grumbling. And I'm sure he wouldn't be very content if he saw her hating every moment of cooking. How can this solution work and make both parties happy? I keep hearing you all talk about how things always work out between you and your Doms or subs. How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?


I am not always ecstatic about what is expected of me, but deep down, where it counts, submitting to his will thrills and satisfies me. 
 
I would suggest that someone who is bitter and stubborn about having their own way does not understand the basis of submission and perhaps is not suited for a D/s dynamic.  It appears you would be better off if you could spend time reevaluating your definition of submission and decide if that is really who you are and what you want.  And if you decide that it is not for you, figure out what will work for you. 
D/s is only one type of relationship; there are gazillions of other ways for couples to interact! 
If I feel upset, I remind myself that I knew what I was agreeing to ahead of time.  I am serious about my obligations and responsibilities to the person(s) I submit to.  If I grabbed back the power when things got tough for me then my prior consent was meaningless. 


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:31:59 PM   
rednicky


Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		Daven, I'm too shy to go to bdsm events, despite my demeanor here.

and Bitatrouble...Would I let him know about this 'day' arrangement in advance? Like tell him ahead of time that Tuesdays and Thursdays are total obedience days? I feel like he'd take advantage of that but maybe that's the idea. I'm not sure. Or should I keep the 'day' thing to myself?

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:33:16 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Tell him and tell him why. If he wants you to succeed, he's going to help. It's to his advantage 'not' to take advantage because it will just take you that much longer to get to where you're going if you don't trust him to help you along the way.

edited

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 6/3/2009 5:36:33 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:33:25 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky
I feel like he'd take advantage of that but maybe that's the idea. I'm not sure. Or should I keep the 'day' thing to myself?


IF you do not trust him why would you be with him? Is it just about point scoring?

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:37:20 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, Nicky----
The group I was thinking may be one you wish to explore holds a twice-monthly social at Shuckers in Fells Point; it doesn't get much more vanilla than the middle of the frat-kid/yuppy touristey area of Fells Point, lol!  :> 
Did anything else that I said sink in?
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:38:53 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

So how would this girl get over her stubborn streak without being bitter about not getting her own way? She knows compromising is the right thing to do but no one likes not getting their way, especially if it means more work for them. Even if it makes her partner happy, that may not be enough to keep her from grumbling. And I'm sure he wouldn't be very content if he saw her hating every moment of cooking. How can this solution work and make both parties happy? I keep hearing you all talk about how things always work out between you and your Doms or subs. How do you keep from being upset for not getting your way?

Well, I can't speak for the girl in question; but in my case...I was never submissive to my late husband. Period. There is not a submissive bone in my body. Yet, I agreed to his terms of the relationship because I wanted to be with him. That meant; cooking when I did not feel like it; doing laundry when I did not feel like it; cleaning house when I did not feel like it; taking care of youngins when I did not feel like it; pandering to his whims/needs/desires when I did not feel like it. I could and did complain and grumble but in the end; I did it...simply because that was what I agreed to do. In the end, my feelings did not enter in to it; my NOT wanting to do something did not matter...I agreed to a certain way of life, I was held to that agreement.

It was that simple.


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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:40:29 PM   
rednicky


Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		Well I don't have him yet colour. In any case, A Dom might think he's doing me a courtesy by 'pushing' me on those days that I can't say no when, in fact, he may be ruining the experience of submission for me by being 'too' demanding. He won't be perfect.

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:44:05 PM   
rednicky


Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		Davan you said other things?

just kidding. Yea I heard you but I can't really comment since that was how you saw me. Yes I heard about those meetings there. I have no transportaion honestly. I was talking to someone who is also a member on this site about car pulling but I'm not use to meeting people online.

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:45:33 PM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

Well I don't have him yet colour. In any case, A Dom might think he's doing me a courtesy by 'pushing' me on those days that I can't say no when, in fact, he may be ruining the experience of submission for me by being 'too' demanding. He won't be perfect.


Lets just clear something up here. The op isn't really about a friend is it? You are talking about yourself?

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:45:53 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

Well I don't have him yet colour. In any case, A Dom might think he's doing me a courtesy by 'pushing' me on those days that I can't say no when, in fact, he may be ruining the experience of submission for me by being 'too' demanding. He won't be perfect.


That's why you talk about it the next day, so you can iron out all the bugs. If all day Tuesday and Friday is too much, then you cut back just like you can add on. Make it Tuesday and Friday nights. Like I said, if he wants you to succeed, he's going to take those baby steps with you and if he doesn't want you to succeed, then you're probably not in a good relationship in the first place.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:47:04 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Basic communication skills
Assertiveness (Like dropping the hypothetical "she" and speaking as "I")
And, since you're not in a D/s relationship at this time, you have the luxury of working on these things at perhaps a different pace than were you in a relationship.  No one is ever going to be perfect.  No one.  By the time I was your age, I had been married 2 years and was ecstatically happy with my husband.  We'd also been through the culture shock of him going into the military, etc., so even in joy, there is not perfection.  And, when you have people in a relationship, you're going to have to talk to one another (Until you get to that point where you know what the other is thinking...and, even then, you're going to have to talk to each other). 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
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Waiting is

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:55:46 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

Davan you said other things?

just kidding. Yea I heard you but I can't really comment since that was how you saw me. Yes I heard about those meetings there. I have no transportaion honestly. I was talking to someone who is also a member on this site about car pulling but I'm not use to meeting people online.


Lol.  Sure you can comment.  Comment, by all means.  Example: "Davan, it seems you perceive me as interacting in a really, really emotional way.  I guess I do.  Why do you think that is not the best way to have an open conversation with others?"  or "You know, I think you're being too hard on me.  I disagree.  I don't see myself as extremist.  Would you give me examples, please?" 
You can take a bus to Fells or link from Metro to a Bus or take a taxi. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

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RE: Sub and Dom fighting over power? - 6/3/2009 5:59:15 PM   
rednicky


Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline 		Missturbation, I said earlier that the situation itself was hypothetical. I was faced with a similar situation with a potential Dom. We were throwing ideas at each other about how it'd be if we were in a relationship. He threw this scenario at me and I told him no. He asked me why. We sort of got into an argument and gave up on one another. I guess he did what a lot of Doms said you'd do: re-evaluate the relationship and probably leave. I presented it as something real on this thread so it would be taken somewhat seriously. And that a 'friend' went through it (convincing, huh?). I felt like if I told you all that this was only a conversation, I'd get a whole bunch of "Oh that's not real though. You need to wait until you're in a real relationship. Then you'll see how it really is and this situation will be a non-issue."

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