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RE: Moving in too fast - 6/9/2009 11:55:04 PM

susie

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Joined: 11/21/2004
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FR

I have a friend who is in his 40s and dating again after a few years married. He has dated a few women some of which have interesting "timetables" for sex. One told him upfront that she had to date someone for 3 months before she had sex. A few others have set the 3 date limit. When he is with them on the first couple of dates his mind is focused on the fact that on the 3rd date he will get a shag. Of the 4 "timetable" ladies he has dated he dumped them all as soon as he had had sex with them because he said the whole dating time was not about getting to know them and more about crossing off the days until he could have sex with them.

His most successful relationship so far has lasted over 6 months and yes they had sex on the first date.

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Post #: 21

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 12:05:37 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
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From: Maui
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Ah that was refreshing Steel.

yum

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Post #: 22

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 12:13:43 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Ah that was refreshing Steel.

yum

I can Honestly say I have NO IDEA how to take this comment.

Was this a Dig or a Compliment, I can no longer tell when it comes to the things people say to me and It is late and I have gone a little retarded this evening.

Steel

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Post #: 23

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 12:32:44 AM

KneelforAnne

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~FR~

I don’t know why, but it ruins it for me too.

Really, on this issue I can see both sides.

I realize how silly it is to have a structured time table-- 3 dates and you’re in!-- but I also don’t get anything more than momentary satisfaction (and sometimes not that!) from first date sex.

It’s silly, I suppose… but I do respect a man much, much more if he can keep the conversation out of the sexual realm--to start with. It sort of shows me that he can control himself.

I'm not saying it has to be G rated...but hints and suggestions, slight ones, are (to me) much sexier than outright questions and blunt conversation.

It’s not some game that I am playing, honestly. I don’t want to ruin the opportunity for something nice. I just feel that if it gets too sexual too fast, then what is he really after…why is he really there…and where do you go from that point?

AND

In the event that sex isn’t something you want to do again with that person, right off the bat---but you feel that you may, later…. How do you take that giant step back?

These are really questions that I have, I'm not trying to be sarcastic....

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Post #: 24

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:20:24 AM

chubguydc

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Totally agree with you on this Steel, get the tension out of the way.

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Post #: 25

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:38:38 AM

SaintSavant

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Joined: 4/25/2009
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I wouldn't say it ruins it for me, but I don't on a first date, usually. But then, that's me. If the chemistry is there or even if its plain ol' animal lust, then go for it.

It's a little harsh to blame the other party for taking you up on your offer, though.

(in reply to chubguydc)

Post #: 26

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:26:50 AM

xiam

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Joined: 7/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SaintSavant
....It's a little harsh to blame the other party for taking you up on your offer, though.

Excellent point.

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Post #: 27

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:08:53 AM

ZenDragoness

Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
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Steel of Utah,

thank you for clearing the first date face to face thing up. I was starting to write and then came your response.
Cybersex i do not get it at all, and the same goes for cyber bdsm. I can simply not understand the appeal. As much as i love the written word it simply not rocking my boat. People who start very quickly with sexual or bdsm things per mail or in a chat, are blocked by me, because i am not interested.

My respect for a person has nothing to do with the time it is taking to have sex together and i know quite quick if i find somebody sexually attractive or not. As i am a good hunter, mostly i do the hunting. But some years ago i was tricked, by a friend of mine. he appealed repeatedly on my hunting solidarity, meaning if i could help him get a contact with a certain woman. Some times he asked me if i could put on a show together( he also has studied movie science, which made it all the more delilcious) with him, insofar that we had a heavy flirting scene (all happened at Smunches) and so the interest of another women was awoken.

I did what he asked me for, because i really liked him and accepted that although i found him sexy, he felt not the same. And after 3 months it dawned on me, that he was like a predatory cat lying in a tree and waiting. Because the longer we met, the longer we flirted the more i was turned on by him. We had an affair, but although there was some heavy petting, i never slept with him. The reason was, that i had the feeling, we should not jepardize the power balance we had.

< Message edited by ZenDragoness -- 6/10/2009 4:21:12 AM >

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Post #: 28

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:16:04 AM

PyrotheClown

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I'm making love to you with every stroke of the tab button
*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab*tab

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Post #: 29

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:33:48 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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My mind and body doesn't work that way. If the chemistry is there then I have no qualms about sex prior to really getting to know someone. This usually never backfired on me either. I do not need to be chased. Most of the time the chemistry just isnt there for me, so when I meet someone I not going to play games.

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RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:43:25 AM

nevergrowdup

Posts: 86
Joined: 12/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne

It’s silly, I suppose… but I do respect a man much, much more if he can keep the conversation out of the sexual realm--to start with. It sort of shows me that he can control himself.

I'm not saying it has to be G rated...but hints and suggestions, slight ones, are (to me) much sexier than outright questions and blunt conversation.

It’s not some game that I am playing, honestly. I don’t want to ruin the opportunity for something nice. I just feel that if it gets too sexual too fast, then what is he really after…why is he really there…and where do you go from that point?

Oh, I have found a kindred spirit here. Actually, quite a few, but KneelforAnne seems to say it so well.

A few months ago I picked up a book for my newly divorced friend called, "How to Succeed with Women." As I was making dinner, he was reading passages out loud, and I kept on thinking to myself, "That's it, exactly!" My most successful first dates were ones that included flirting and an occasional touch (to the leg or arm). After one of those dates, I'm wanting a second. But if we rush into the sex, the person seems a bit shallower.

I had been occasionally emailing a guy that sounded great guy for perhaps 6-8 months, and we finally made arrangements to meet about a month ago. We met at a museum, and he immediately started in on the physical stuff ... holding hands, leaning into me. I kept on breaking away, but he'd find a way to reconnect. But his persistence paid off. And I'm a sucker for touch, so, yes, he got laid that day. Since he lives a few hours away, we didn't immediately reconnect. That week we chatted every night. And by the end of the week I realized that I really didn't think it would work. But, you know, it might have worked if he had slowed down and let me get to know him as a person first. The biggest problem is that I found him to be too needy ... not only sexually but in other ways.

It's really all about confidence.

I understand what Steel is saying, and don't disagree with it. I have boinked on the first date and have maintained that relationship for months. (For me, that's good.) But I can't tell you the number of times where moving in too fast became the focus, and I lost interest. IMO, a guy who moves in too fast is increasing the odds of failure.

And, sure, maybe it's a chick thing, but if you want to capture more than my body, I have to know and like you as a person.

(in reply to KneelforAnne)

Post #: 31

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:43:37 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenDragoness

One of them came to
me on an evening and my then lover was with us and after she left, he said: She needs to develop a
stronger charecter, that the men are leaving her so soon, has nothing to do with early sex, but all with
her not strong enough personality.

But he was submissive so of course he didn't feel attracted to her simply because she wasn't dominant. Lots of people don't want to be with someone who goes all gang buster. Look around here, half the people on this site don't want that.

I'm with the other camp. Casual sex makes me feel empty and it will make me think less of you that you didn't want to know who you were fucking, you just wanted a warm body. Yeah, like that makes me feel special that you could just fuck anything and not know anything about the body you're using, not.

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Post #: 32

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:48:28 AM

ZenDragoness

Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
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You could not have been more wrong.

That was as i was 17 and we have had a vanilla relationship. He is really not submissive.

< Message edited by ZenDragoness -- 6/10/2009 4:49:05 AM >

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Post #: 33

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:56:11 AM

DesFIP

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But you are a dominant female, which is a personality trait, so by definition he wouldn't have had a relationship with you unless he was attracted to dominant women. If he had been turned off by dominant women and found them to be bullying, he wouldn't have suggested she become one.

Whether he likes cbt or not doesn't change the fact that at the time what turned him on were dominant females. He may have dealt with whatever issues made him zero in on dominant females at the time and no longer react that way however the truth remains that as you were dominant in the relationship, at the time that was what he saw as necessary in women for him to like him. And 17 year olds ime rarely can see above or outside their own viewpoints. Hell half the 47 year olds I know can't.

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Post #: 34

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 5:08:06 AM

lally2

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alot of sex can happen through the eyes. that lingering hand steering you in the small of youre back through a crowded room, tips of their fingers feeling youre flesh move under youre clothes, knees touching under the table, those little moments when nothing is said and theres that build up of need and tension that makes you reassuringly hot and wet. i love all of that tension. i love feeling that tension and i love the whole 'dreamstate' hunger/need/lust thing that builds. i love waiting for that moment when the guy moves in for the kiss and its all bodies pressed up close and you want it like nothing else matters.... and then he says goodnight and walks away and youre brain is screaming... nooooooo!!! - i like all of that tension, nothing wrong with tension, that time before it all begins and you start to get to know each other. its hot and i love it and i love it when men make me wait for it. theyre in control of what i get and when i get it and that to me is the hottest of the hot for me.

im not saying wait 3 months, jeeze! - who can do that!!! - but all those delicious hours of waiting for the next meet and knowing that itll happen probably and it makes the sex crazy fun. we all know thats where its going, we all know thats what its all about, lets not kid ourselves here - but sexual tension is hot and i love it and i love knowing that hes hard and needing me just as much and thinking about it just as much as i am.

edited to add: ive known this guy for some time now and the sexual tension is acute. he has the dreamiest blue eyes and a cute quirky smile and i find myself flirting outrageously with him. i had to clamber over a gate the other day in a tight shortish skirt and i made a big deal of straddling the top bar and sliding down making sure my cleavage was working for me too. the pause from him was electric and for a brief moment i really thought he was going to move in on me. but he just smiled and his eyes twinkled and he kinda changed the subject. if we ever do its gonna be sooo hot!! - thats fun, its just fun, i dont see anything wrong in building that up and up and up and enjoying the game. and in the end, after all of that, who cares if it leads to something more - the whole build up and pressure of lust and need is a relationship all of its own.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/10/2009 5:35:27 AM >

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Post #: 35

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 6:08:28 AM

Fitznicely

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nevergrowdup

he's the Dom ... he should be in control, no?

Do you want to work me up into a sexual frenzy and get a short term benefit, or are you willing to take things slow and wait until I build up that comfort with you?

OK, two questions:

1) Why is the Dom showing lack of control by wanting the date to go HIS way? I personally would take it as a lack of control if he COULDN'T talk you into bed on the first date, should He want to. Let's face it, who has control if you say "no" and he accepts it?

2) Why are the two things Mutually exclusive? If I would like the relationship to become sexual, I go into it...even from the first date...expecting it to last. This means that normally (bearing in mind it's 13 years since I was in the position), I and my date are more relaxed about things and can just talk without the tachometer running in our heads. When the conversation turns to sex, it's a natural turn and an expression of both of our desires.

I'm with Steel 100% on this...if you start to play games and run hot, then cold, you're out. If you come to bed with me, have an amazing time, then hit me with the "it's not going to work, I don't respect you" crap, then my very next words will be "don't even try playing games with me". I won't, however, accept that you want it to end there and then, cos hey, I'm the Dom, I say when it ends! Perhaps you haven't met someone dominant enough yet?

What I see is a lack of self-esteem. You don't respect yourself for what you've done, chide yourself for breaking your own rules and take that out on the guy. Who exactly is that fair on? How about letting yourself just enjoy the moment for what it is, and stop focussing on how soon the relationship's going to end.

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Post #: 36

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 6:08:52 AM

SteelofUtah

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From: St George Utah
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But as far as the sexual act goes. How much do you need to know about a person to know you want to have sex with them?

Before I get an answer to that YES I understand the whole Deep Need to connect but if you cannot define what exactly it is you need to know then you are just making excuses.

Look sexual Desire is important and for some it comes strictly from the metaphysical, but for many it comes strictly from the Carnal, from the Physical.

The OP Posts that she WANTS to do it, she knows that she will lose interest in the guy after she does but she does it anyway. In that respect who is actually the sexual Preadator here?

We Villianize Men who enjoy sex as the One Night Stand and make it seem like all he was interested in was getting laid. There is another side to this that most women are completely oblivious too. That is of the Change. Men Get Blamed for it all the time but lets take a look at a very common situation.

Two Adults get together the enjoy each others company, the are attracted to one another, they flirt and eventually they end up in bed sweating to the Orgasms. When it is over then Man is sated and the woman in many cases starts to feel guilt because she cannot connect the fact that she did what she wanted to do with the guilt of doing it so quickly. For the next few days she is distant, and attempts to keep a boundry with the guy, the guy sees that they just did one of the most intament things you can do with another person and now she is trying to protect the perimeter. Well Fuck That, Who wants to feel ashamed of something that both people wanted and now that it's done it was somehow wrong?

Are their advantages to waiting.... YES. If the Guy or Girl is going to eventually be a douchbag headcase then yes witing gives you the ability to spot it sooner, however it still doesn't change the fact that you were attracted to them you just dodged a bullet. However I go back to the One Liner on page one about the Pussy Snare. I was being serious. I have waited from days to weeks to months to have sex and for some strange reason the Psycho doesn't come out until just after the semen dries between us. I don't know if it is a rule or something but Crazy women seem to have sex as a trigger that says "Okay time to see how quickly he freaks out at the insanity in my head."

Mind you all I am not saying that everyone should just go out and fuck like bunnies, no what I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with doing it after 3 minutes or 3 months the person you do it with will always be the THAT PERSON. Any Value you feel you get from waiting is value you put there yourself.

Steel

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Post #: 37

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 6:21:04 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely
1) Why is the Dom showing lack of control by wanting the date to go HIS way? I personally would take it as a lack of control if he COULDN'T talk you into bed on the first date, should He want to. Let's face it, who has control if you say "no" and he accepts it?

He does, because he gets to stay outside of jail. Not accepting a no means date rape.

Beyond that, this isn't something that we can be argued into changing our feelings on. Too many years of guys out to get laid by whoever, whenever has taught us to be cautious. You want us to accept a second date, then don't tell us our feelings are wrong.

This is like Steel saying because he isn't terribly good socially, he wants a woman to ask him questions and accept the answers instead of us needing to learn about you by what you do. You can say you always keep your word but unless we see that when you say meet at 7 means 7, and not you watching the game and coming by two hours late, we aren't going to believe you.

If we see you not in control of yourself, but following the dictates of the little head, we are going to think less of you.

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Post #: 38

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 6:35:07 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely
1) Why is the Dom showing lack of control by wanting the date to go HIS way? I personally would take it as a lack of control if he COULDN'T talk you into bed on the first date, should He want to. Let's face it, who has control if you say "no" and he accepts it?

He does, because he gets to stay outside of jail. Not accepting a no means date rape.

Beyond that, this isn't something that we can be argued into changing our feelings on. Too many years of guys out to get laid by whoever, whenever has taught us to be cautious. You want us to accept a second date, then don't tell us our feelings are wrong.

Tsk, I'm not on about ignoring a clear "no". Can it not be innately accepted that a decent Dom would NOT ignore hard limits??

What I'm on about is not accepting an initial judgement based on what can be loosely termed "emotional baggage".

If I feel you're holding back because of something that's been done to you by someone else, my job is then to make you see that I'm not that person, I'm different enough to trust and have fun with. Of course, the usual caveats apply. If the wounds go too deep, then more time needs to be put into it. I'm ready to put that time in. Because I'm not looking at an expiry date, I'm expecting it to last, d'you see?

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Post #: 39

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 7:26:49 AM

ZenDragoness

Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
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It is simply not right. Firstly i am a switch. I changed my profile from switch to dominant, because i am looking for a submissive male.

He said exactly: There is no character, no personality in her face. And said: How dare you speak about a friend of mine like that and he said: She is nice, but there is nothing that will interest the most men after they had sex with her. I was still angry about his words, because she was one of the sweetest persons i ever met, very fragile and looking like a fairy. Very light skin, blue eyes, the kind of whiteblonde women go the the hairstylist for, freckles and only 1,47 m high. I tried to understand my lover and maybe after all you are not mistaken in that, that he is a very strong man himself and i have seen the women who came after me. They all were articulate and able to hold their own.

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Post #: 40

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