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RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 7:34:15 AM

LaTigresse

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Sex isn't ever my main goal. I've had girls disappear because I wouldn't have sex with them right away. Too bad.

I prefer to get to know a person and have a general idea whether or not I need to be worried about coming home to a rabbit in a pot on my stove. Or, if they are just considering me another in a long string of others. I've too much self respect for that and the woman I want in my life, better have also.

Not to mention.......I like to make them beg for it.....

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Post #: 41

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 1:37:29 PM

DemonKia

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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FR, after read thru

There's something in this discussion about acting on sexual attraction, but here's my big problem with that notion: I'm sexually attracted to most people. On a just-lust basis, yeah, I wanna fuck everyone. But emotionally I'm only interested in a very very tiny number of the people I physically am attracted to . . . . . . & the number of those with whom I might be able to have a long-term relationship with? Yeah, way tinier. & I've found that sex is a very limited tool for getting to know another; time & communication are far more powerful tools for me to establish that knowledge . .. . . . To parallel Steel's term, I find that the Psycho-Selfish-Cocks have darn little patience . . . . . . .

& then there's the belt-notchers . . . . . They make it tough for all the 'sincere seekers' . . . .. . . JDoe wants a long-term relationship; JPublic wants to notch his/her belt. If JDoe jumps into bed with JPublic & JPublic walks away after getting what s/he wanted, then JDoe doesn't get what s/he wanted . . . . . . After JDoe does this a few times s/he might get tired of giving out but not getting what s/he wants . .. . . . . (& I specifically made this a gender-neutral example because I've know chiquitas who were belt-notchers . . . .. . . & guys who are offended & hurt by belt-notching . . . . . )

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 42

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:06:19 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
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From: St George Utah
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where as I get what you are saying and I understand it.

JDoe and JPublic are always the same people regardless of if they have sex or not. And if JDoe and JPublic don't have sex then all that has happened is they didn't have sex the getting to know you part is still going to happen on the pace it was always going to.

JPublic might be really crafty and in for the Long Con and be willing to wait those days or weeks if not months to get into JDoe's Pants and when they do the same reaction occurs.

The Problem as I see it is that it is one thing if two people are together and one wants to wait and puts up boundries, however if both parties want to have sex and both give into that, how exactly is that a negative act.

Trust me for every Psycho Bitch with an Inferiority Complex there are 10 "Just wanna Find ya, Fuck ya, and Forget ya, assholes. I know that odds are offten stacked against that the guy you are talking to genuinly wants to get to know you AND bang your brains out it's usually one or the other, but what the hell is with the guilt BullShit? If you enjoy SEX then HAVE SEX, if you both want to jump each others bones and it is obvious and there is the smallest spec of Chemistry then GO FOR IT!!!!!! What is the WORST that could happen (If you were safe and took precautions for Pregnancy or Disease) you end up with a night of passion and another guy/girl you don't ever have to see again if you don't want to.

The People are the same people regardless of if you sleep with them or not.

People put to much faith that the Act of Sex will determine a persons worth or ability to be a good person. It doesn't it is just sex people.

Steel

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(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 43

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:21:31 PM

LaTigresse

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I know I have no faith at all in the act of sex as a determining factor of the type of person they are. I simply do not wish to share that part of myself with someone I don't know well and have some sort of strong feelings for.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/10/2009 2:22:00 PM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 44

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:23:10 PM

DemonKia

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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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This, to my mind, is the complete opposite of what you've been arguing . . . . . You've been saying that sex changes people (women, specifically) & releases an inner psycho . . . . . Maybe I've read what you said previously wrong?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The People are the same people regardless of if you sleep with them or not.

People put to much faith that the Act of Sex will determine a persons worth or ability to be a good person. It doesn't it is just sex people.

Steel

&, for me, there's that I don't enjoy partnered sex the first few times, I can't relax or trust sufficiently . . . . . My issue, but anymore I work with it instead of trying to force myself . . . . & it is just sex. But just-sex-by-myself, in my experience, is very often much better than just-partnered-sex, more reliably, that I'm not missing out on much by dodging the waves of belt-notchers . . . . . . . First time sex isn't one of my kinks, I prefer the sex that comes after years of knowing each other -- that's the good stuff, for me . . . . .

& in my experience very few belt-notchers have as much patience as I do . . . . . There's lots of faster sex out there to be had . . . . . I live at a truly glacial pace, so it takes some true persistence to hang in there & get into my pants, lol . . . . .

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 45

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:33:00 PM

subtlebutterfly

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Sex happens when sex happens, whether it's on first date, tenth date, after 6 months of dating...it just does whenever both sides are comfortable with it.

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Post #: 46

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:44:57 PM

pixidustpet

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Joined: 6/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

Sex happens when sex happens, whether it's on first date, tenth date, after 6 months of dating...it just does whenever both sides are comfortable with it.

this, exactly.

i've had relationships (with fallcon, for example, rest his soul) that it was YEARS before we slept together. and it didnt suffer a bit for that wait.

TheEngineer, we slept together the first time we met in person. we got together SPECIFICALLY for that....although it was several months of emails, phone calls, etc leading up to it. took us the best part of 10 years to actually move things to a 24/7 relationship, and well worth that, too.

let it happen when it happens.

kitten

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 47

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 2:50:41 PM

BlueWing

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/3/2009
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As "Sally" said, "Yes! Yes!" No time limit, just respect for oneself and one's partner.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

Sex happens when sex happens, whether it's on first date, tenth date, after 6 months of dating...it just does whenever both sides are comfortable with it.

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 48

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:04:34 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Haven't read the entire thread.
Generally, I wait awhile rather than jump right in. It's not a particular set of notions per se but what feels right. I am also paranoid about std's (And growing more paranoid by the day, I think). That having been said, the most recent boy I had sex with, we did so on our second date. Now, we'd known each other peripherally for years. Exquisite chemistry. As for sex changing things, I will say that for me it does (Moreso the more feelings I have or feel the potential for with a person) and I've certainly been with men for whom that is the case as well.
As for moving in. Same thing. No set rules. If I'm comfortable with a person, that's groovy. If I'm having sex with them, I kinda think I'd better be comfortable with them. And, if they're allowed in my home, to sleep in my bed and interact with my pets and such, then that's a pretty substantive display of trust.
Davan

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(in reply to PyrotheClown)

Post #: 49

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:06:46 PM

DavanKael

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Joined: 10/6/2007
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Steel----
To some of us it's not 'just sex' and guilt doesn't factor into it.
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 50

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:17:06 PM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
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From: Not your hood
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I may be getting paranoid or something thinking everything revolves around me but
........................Sally?

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Post #: 51

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:28:33 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChasingOblivion
It's just sex. We're human, we need it, and it's fun. People make things way too complicated.

God, I think I'm in love.

(in reply to ChasingOblivion)

Post #: 52

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:37:00 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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Daven,

I get that more than you know but that is not the topic of this thread.

If the Thread were about Is it OKAY to have sex on the first date then my answer would be a little different, sure I would still be adamant about the fact that there is nothing wrong with it it is all in what importance you give it.

That being said

DemonKia,

My Comment was really in Jest from what Pyro said, however although I jest there is some part of me who believes that some women wait to show thier inner Psycho until they have created this psuedo sexual bond that they put great importance on.

I am sorry if you disagree with my way of thinking but I see sex as an activity I enjoy, I do not see it as a Marker point of a relationship. I have had sex with women HOURS after meeting them for the first time. And I have had sex with women after knowing them for YEARS. Both activities are equally enjoyable for me because I do not equate the relationship to the sex, I equate the sex as a factor of the relationship. I have sex with Friends who I knew for years and one day just wanted to. I have had sex with women who i knew had no intention of ever talking to me again but we were both attracted to one another.

I am in love with my wife but the sexual life we have does not define us or our love for one another. We were very higly sexual in the beginning of our relationship (I have a son as proof). We jumped into a sexual and highly gratifying relationship on Day two.... see I wanted to wait... I Honestly thought that if we waited it would make it that much better... I was wrong all we did was torture ourselves (Yeah so what if 3 days isn't that long it was torture) and when we finally did finish that first time we both could not figure out what we were waiting for when both of us wanted it from day one.

Steel

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Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
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(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 53

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:45:34 PM

pixidustpet

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Joined: 6/4/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlebutterfly

I may be getting paranoid or something thinking everything revolves around me but
........................Sally?

the movie "when harry met sally". there's a scene set in a deli where sally loudly fakes orgasm...that's what is being referenced.

kitten

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 54

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 3:56:18 PM

ShaharThorne

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Joined: 2/24/2009
From: Somewhere in TX
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In some relationships, I had sex on the first date, in some further down the road. I just ask for safe sex because I am the daughter of nurses and knew about STDs since I was 10 (I hijacked my dad's A&P textbooks). Only time I was in long term relationships was when we forgo the condoms trying to get pregnant at those times.

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Post #: 55

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 4:31:32 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
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From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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My point is to add to the diversity of experience offered, rather than to compartmentalize anyone into any box or label . . . . . Thus I neither agree nor disagree. With respect to my quoting you above, I was noting a logical inconsistency in what seemed to be one of your main points . . . . . .

& with respect to me that's a false dichotomy set up, below.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

...I am sorry if you disagree with my way of thinking but I see sex as an activity I enjoy, I do not see it as a Marker point of a relationship. ...
Steel

I like partnered sex, a lot -- when my comfort level allows, which comfort level has a lot to do with how much relationship has been established . . . . Another way of thinking about this is that I only get really interested in actually having sex with someone after I've started to see the inner psycho everyone tries to hide (but has to some greater or lesser degree), & which tends to show up over time . .... . It's the feet of clay that get me hot . . . . . lol

Your comfort level is not the same as my comfort level . . . . . Not much different than your kink is not necessarily exactly the same as my kink, & that's okay . ... . Just like it's okay for all of us to delineate our differences alongside sharing our commonalities . ... ..

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 56

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 5:06:11 PM

nevergrowdup

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Joined: 12/1/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

The OP Posts that she WANTS to do it, she knows that she will lose interest in the guy after she does but she does it anyway. In that respect who is actually the sexual Preadator here?

Mind you all I am not saying that everyone should just go out and fuck like bunnies, no what I am saying is that there is nothing wrong with doing it after 3 minutes or 3 months the person you do it with will always be the THAT PERSON. Any Value you feel you get from waiting is value you put there yourself.

Steel

Whoa! I don't think that's what I'm saying at all. I will admit that I am weak ... that a bit of touch sends me into a needy state. But please don't imply that I always lose interest after the first fuck. Or that I'm some sort of pyscho who is insecure and playing games. Or that I suffer from guilt after having a one night stand. All of those assumptions are off base in my case. I can separate the sex from the relationship and can enjoy one without the other.

In fact, for a while there I was into casual sex quite a bit. It's just a fuck, right? No harm done if we were both feeling the chemistry, right? But after a while, it didn't feel right. And perhaps the biggest reason I disdained it because they were into me more than I to them. For me the hardest part was telling the guy that it was fun, but I just didn't see a future in it. I absolutely hate saying "no" ... especially since I'm sensitive to the fact that a lot of these guys could really use some sexual healing, or that they were in bad relationships and would benefit by a healthy relationship. (That's because, contrary to what you may believe, I don't play games. I don't make demands, like I need to have a nice dinner out or some sort of gift before I put out. I want men to know that I'm in it for them, not for me.) But in the end, I can't be Mother Teresa of the undersexed.

I make an effort to get to know the person first. Sometimes I play by my rules and have a celibate first date, and sometimes I'm just too impulsive. But based on my history, I can tell you that I've had better luck if the guy doesn't rush it ... if he just does the subtle flirting and wows me more with his mind, his good nature, his personal traits. There's something to be said for a good fuck, and I do appreciate that! But if the sex is so-so, and the guy isn't appealing to me in any other respect, I don't see a reason to continue. But if I have the time to get to know the person before we hit the hay, I don't mind so much that the sex wasn't stellar.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 57

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 5:27:26 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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Which brings up an important point for me -- a lot of this, for me, is from learning the hard way that others can attach a lot to sex, & that I have the ability to be far more detached about it . . .. . & that my ability to be detached can hurt others . . . . . & that not all belt-notchers are as detached as they initially act . . . . . & that life is generally far more complicated than all the simplistic label slinging can ever hope to accomodate . . . . . . & I only like to hurt people consensually, lol . . . . . .

quote:

ORIGINAL: nevergrowdup

...In fact, for a while there I was into casual sex quite a bit. It's just a fuck, right? No harm done if we were both feeling the chemistry, right? But after a while, it didn't feel right. And perhaps the biggest reason I disdained it because they were into me more than I to them. For me the hardest part was telling the guy that it was fun, but I just didn't see a future in it. I absolutely hate saying "no" ... especially since I'm sensitive to the fact that a lot of these guys could really use some sexual healing, or that they were in bad relationships and would benefit by a healthy relationship. (That's because, contrary to what you may believe, I don't play games. I don't make demands, like I need to have a nice dinner out or some sort of gift before I put out. I want men to know that I'm in it for them, not for me.) But in the end, I can't be Mother Teresa of the undersexed.

I make an effort to get to know the person first. Sometimes I play by my rules and have a celibate first date, and sometimes I'm just too impulsive. But based on my history, I can tell you that I've had better luck if the guy doesn't rush it ... if he just does the subtle flirting and wows me more with his mind, his good nature, his personal traits. There's something to be said for a good fuck, and I do appreciate that! But if the sex is so-so, and the guy isn't appealing to me in any other respect, I don't see a reason to continue. But if I have the time to get to know the person before we hit the hay, I don't mind so much that the sex wasn't stellar.

(in reply to nevergrowdup)

Post #: 58

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 5:35:13 PM

nevergrowdup

Posts: 86
Joined: 12/1/2007
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That's a lot of &s. Good stuff, though.

(in reply to DemonKia)

Post #: 59

RE: Moving in too fast - 6/10/2009 6:14:54 PM

PyrotheClown

Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
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quote:

that's a lot of &'s

& what's wrong with that.

(in reply to nevergrowdup)

Post #: 60

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