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Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 8:49:02 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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In the effort to get a new thread going and to address a rather touchy topic--I have of late had a few questions directed to Me about the death of a M/mate--I had a slave I was communicating with that was in a marriage of 15 years--over those 15 years, She became more Dominant, more sadicstic,--they grew to this powerful intertwined couple with a dynamic many of us dream of but few experience--She was killed in an auto accident---though he was more than capable of existing, making a life, making decisions etc.--the pain and the loss he felt---so much at sea, needing the validation of who he was.

I was once bashed on a site for asking about the loss of a mate and is it harder when you add our D/dynamic to it-- but I am indeed curious--then add the dynamic of online and distance and it magnifies the fear (IMHO)--shortly after the boy and I started chatting and I knew this was going to go somewhere, I insisted that he give someone My information to someone to open in the event of something happening--

So My question(s) are this:

What do you do to prepare to know if something has happened

What have you done or are you prepared to do if something has happened

How have you dealt with the death of a M/mate----

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 2/11/2006 8:50:08 AM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 1

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:07:13 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

What do you do to prepare to know if something has happened

I am not 100% sure of what you are exactly asking here...what do you to prepare? If you know that your mate is going to pass?

quote:

What have you done or are you prepared to do if something has happened

Well, strictly speaking from my own experience, there was nothing for me to do except keep going. I had kids to raise, and since they were feeling the loss just as much as I was, I had to step up and be strong.

quote:

How have you dealt with the death of a M/mate

The same way most would deal with I expect. One day at a time. Focus on the good times you had with them. If you have youngins, count them as a blessing, something that you have to carry with you from your time together.

quote:

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?

Actualy, I fail to see how the dynamic would change it for me or for someone who is vanilla. The pain of loss is still just as great.

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Post #: 2

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:07:51 AM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?

I think it's the height of hubris to believe that losing a mate is so much harder when you add 'our dynamic' (as if we all have the same dynamic...criminy). I will never understand why so many who are into BDSM have this incessant need to believe that BDSM makes them more open, more evolved, capable of feeling more deeply, more special and that their relationships are more intense than non-BDSM relationships. Losing a mate is difficult. Period. Full stop. Having 'our dynamic' thrown in there doesn't make it any more difficult or tragic. It sucks no matter how you spin it.

</rant>

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 3

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:13:45 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

I am not 100% sure of what you are exactly asking here...what do you to prepare? If you know that your mate is going to pass?

Thanks Irish for asking, My question is when you are in the newness of a relationship--how do you ensure that if something happens--someone knows to notify you---after all, we are all at times "under cloak of darkness"--and many friends may not know--

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

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Post #: 4

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:16:00 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

hubris

I had to go to the dictionary for that one!

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Mistress Hathor

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Post #: 5

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:18:23 AM

IrishMist

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Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

My question is when you are in the newness of a relationship--how do you ensure that if something happens--someone knows to notify you---after all, we are all at times "under cloak of darkness"--and many friends may not know

Well, that would be harder for me to answer lol, since I am very open about things. For myself, it would be handled no differently than in any other relationship...family, friends, etc. I would like to think that if I was in a serious enough relationship with someone, and something happened to me, that my family and friends would let him know. And vice versa.

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Post #: 6

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:23:40 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsIncognito

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?

I think it's the height of hubris to believe that losing a mate is so much harder when you add 'our dynamic' (as if we all have the same dynamic...criminy). I will never understand why so many who are into BDSM have this incessant need to believe that BDSM makes them more open, more evolved, capable of feeling more deeply, more special and that their relationships are more intense than non-BDSM relationships. Losing a mate is difficult. Period. Full stop. Having 'our dynamic' thrown in there doesn't make it any more difficult or tragic. It sucks no matter how you spin it.

</rant>

i think the idea is that when a slave becomes totally dependent on her Master. He is her center and her focus. her submission to him is what gives her strength. If he is suddenly removed from the picture, there is a different kind of struggle which takes place, to find her footing again (in addition to grieving the loss of a loved one). Death is difficult on anyone. Add to it a slave who has lost her Master, and it creates a different element. The dependence i feel on my Master is much different than the dependence i felt on my ex husband. i would think a good Master would train and prepare his slave to stand strong on her own and to exist without him should the misfortune of his death occur. But what if he dies before she reaches that goal? It is an interesting question. my Master have been speaking out it very recently.

(in reply to MsIncognito)

Post #: 7

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:28:25 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

Add to it a slave who has lost her Master, and it creates a different element

Ok, not to start flaming or anything, because I am truly curious about this. My issue is that I really FAIL to see how being in a Master/slave relationship could possibly make the loss greater. The loss of a spouse is hard for ANYONE, no matter what the dynamic of the relationship. When I lost my husband, I did not grieve as a slave losing her Master...I grieved as a person who lost thier best friend, husband, and father. My feelings of loss were no greater and no less than those who are in 'nilla relationships. I am just having a hard time understanding how anyone could possibly say that since he was my Master, I must have been grieving more.

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RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:41:45 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Add to it a slave who has lost her Master, and it creates a different element

Ok, not to start flaming or anything, because I am truly curious about this. My issue is that I really FAIL to see how being in a Master/slave relationship could possibly make the loss greater. The loss of a spouse is hard for ANYONE, no matter what the dynamic of the relationship. When I lost my husband, I did not grieve as a slave losing her Master...I grieved as a person who lost thier best friend, husband, and father. My feelings of loss were no greater and no less than those who are in 'nilla relationships. I am just having a hard time understanding how anyone could possibly say that since he was my Master, I must have been grieving more.

i did not say one grieved more than the other. i said there was an added (maybe "different" is a better choice of words) element to the struggle of finding ones footing again. These are merely my ponderings and ant an absolute statement of truth or fact (who would i be to make such a statement). i acknowledged that the death of a spouse is tragic to anyone. i am only exploring the idea of degrees of dependency one may have to husband/Master/Dominant. Understanding that this is a very sensitive topic (with good cause to be sensitive), i honestly wish to offend nobody or even appear to be trying to taking away from anyone's grief (which i couldnt if i wanted to, as grief is a very individual thing).

It's kind of like that argument - is losing someone less difficult because you have been "warned" in advance (ie; they had an illness)? Grief is never "less difficult." The loss of life is exactly that - a loss.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 9

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:50:20 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I was not finding your words offensive, and I am sorry if I came off sounding in that way. MsIncognito said it also, that too many seem to think that being in such a dynamic as we are, that we are somehow more prone to feelings than others.

You said that being in such a relationship as ours, that it adds another element to the loss. Maybe because I have never been in a vanilla relationship, I can not understand the difference...but I just fail to see how or what that added element would be. I have seen friends and family go through the loss of a spouse and grieve just as deeply if not more than I did, and they were vanilla.

/sigh

You are correct though, this is a very touchy subject for many I would imagine.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 10

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 10:08:00 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

In the effort to get a new thread going and to address a rather touchy topic--I have of late had a few questions directed to Me about the death of a M/mate--I had a slave I was communicating with that was in a marriage of 15 years--over those 15 years, She became more Dominant, more sadicstic,--they grew to this powerful intertwined couple with a dynamic many of us dream of but few experience--She was killed in an auto accident---though he was more than capable of existing, making a life, making decisions etc.--the pain and the loss he felt---so much at sea, needing the validation of who he was.

I was once bashed on a site for asking about the loss of a mate and is it harder when you add our D/dynamic to it-- but I am indeed curious--then add the dynamic of online and distance and it magnifies the fear (IMHO)--shortly after the boy and I started chatting and I knew this was going to go somewhere, I insisted that he give someone My information to someone to open in the event of something happening--

So My question(s) are this:

What do you do to prepare to know if something has happened

What have you done or are you prepared to do if something has happened

How have you dealt with the death of a M/mate----

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?

I think I understand where you are going here...

With the physical distance involved in your own relationship and the "cloak of darkness" being that your boy probably didn't take you around to family members announcing that you are his new Mistress...how would anyone in his family know that it was truly important to notify you if something happened to him?

When my love and I first began it was also a long distance relationship. And I had the same fears as you if, Goddess forbid, something like a car accident were to occur, how would anyone know to even call me? When I went to visit him I met his friends who are all in the lifestyle and we became friends and exchanged contact information. Also, I gave him a card to carry in his wallet that read "------ loves me. Please call her in the event of an emergency" and had my phone and other contact info on it.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 11

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 10:11:32 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: yourMissTress

I think I understand where you are going here...

With the physical distance involved in your own relationship and the "cloak of darkness" being that your boy probably didn't take you around to family members announcing that you are his new Mistress...how would anyone in his family know that it was truly important to notify you if something happened to him?

When my love and I first began it was also a long distance relationship. And I had the same fears as you if, Goddess forbid, something like a car accident were to occur, how would anyone know to even call me? When I went to visit him I met his friends who are all in the lifestyle and we became friends and exchanged contact information. Also, I gave him a card to carry in his wallet that read "------ loves me. Please call her in the event of an emergency" and had my phone and other contact info on it.

Yep. good point for all, its called the ICE card or envelope--to be opened In Case of Emergency---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 12

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 10:33:57 AM

LadyElizabeth

Posts: 55
Joined: 11/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
Ok, not to start flaming or anything, because I am truly curious about this. My issue is that I really FAIL to see how being in a Master/slave relationship could possibly make the loss greater. The loss of a spouse is hard for ANYONE, no matter what the dynamic of the relationship. When I lost my husband, I did not grieve as a slave losing her Master...I grieved as a person who lost thier best friend, husband, and father. My feelings of loss were no greater and no less than those who are in 'nilla relationships. I am just having a hard time understanding how anyone could possibly say that since he was my Master, I must have been grieving more.

Thank you, now I don't have to say the same.

Although, just to add my touch. We as a couple are so intrensically entwined that the loss could/ would be seen and felt as catostrophic. So much so, I would rather not dwell on it.

A sad, but not un-interesting question MHOO314, what a refreshing change, thank you.

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(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 13

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 10:34:26 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
Yep. good point for all, its called the ICE card or envelope--to be opened In Case of Emergency---

I have an online version with a couple of close friends who know the password but that I can trust not to use it unless something happens to me. Currently it only details certain other arrangements I want handling, but once I find my girl then it will also contain contact info and any other arrangements for her I want handling. If things go further and I end up sharing my life fully with her then such arrangements will be a job for a formal written will.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 2/11/2006 10:35:02 AM >

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 14

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 3:45:15 PM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
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I've been lucky in that I've dated a couple of girls who had close calls, but a few years ago I briefly went out with a girl who had a long-term love die of cancer.

She wasn't really ready for a fresh relationship and our attempt was short and spikey; I just couldn't take her mood swings, understandable as they might be. She just needed more time and didn't know it.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 15

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 3:52:55 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Petruchio

I've been lucky in that I've dated a couple of girls who had close calls, but a few years ago I briefly went out with a girl who had a long-term love die of cancer.

She wasn't really ready for a fresh relationship and our attempt was short and spikey; I just couldn't take her mood swings, understandable as they might be. She just needed more time and didn't know it.

At least you seen this in her... and allowed her the space she might of still needed. After the death of my Master..... others felt I should of just moved on and continue with my life as a submissive... no grief... no regret... remember all the good.. and not let it stop me from living.... I was like... WHOA!!!..... after more than 7 years together.... this wasn't a Master/submissive relationship..... he was my friend... my love... my life....

Some people have no compassion.... others do.... bravo to you Petruchio.....

(On an off note here..... my dear Petruchio.... know this.. you won the last battle.. but the war is far from over... lol)

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RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 3:57:36 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
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MHOO... I just want to say thank you...

I wasn't going to post on this thread at all because the topic hit close to home... and I've already hit that bump in the road... but your post did the complete opposite....

I've been able to sit today... and take a trip back down memory road. It was a wonderful trip... and it allowed to me open more to Master today on more inner thoughts and feelings.. that's been hard to do at times.

Thank you so much.... for the lovely day.... and memories.... Bless you... and the other posters to this thread.

Drinks all around... \-/ \-/ \-/

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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Post #: 17

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:21:37 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
What do you do to prepare to know if something has happened

We have emergency contact listings between us. At this point, none of us are legally or economically entangled with eachother which keeps things a lot simpler. There are alt lifestyle attorneys and accountants who can help establish things for alt relationships though.

quote:

What have you done or are you prepared to do if something has happened

Hardly anything really. Again, we're not legally entangled so there's not much that needs to or can be done. And since I am pretty much a singleton as far as the paperwork goes, no one really needs to do much for me. However, I do have discussions with my partners on my preferences and explaining scenarios.

I also make a point to keep my biological family abreast of the serious relationship shifts that occur in my life.

quote:

How have you dealt with the death of a M/mate----

I've never had a mate die on me yet, but we muddle as best we can through any mourning process. "On Death and Dying" is a great book for people to read.

quote:

What are your thoughts on this when you add O/our dynamic?

I'm ditto on the "It really doesn't change anything as far as the grieving process goes"

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Post #: 18

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:22:18 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

I would just like to add that Death of a relationship can happen in more ways than if someone dies.

And it usually hurts, regardless. Death being of course for sure closure as life on this planet goes.

I do think at least for someone with a submissive nature who does tend to get their lives wrapped up in their Dominant partner in a more dependent way and adjusts their life around the Dynamic, it definately can be a heighten sense of loss as opposed to vanilla relationships where the dynamic is not an open awareness.
Now it is also my belief that it can have wide variance depending on individual circumstance.

Just my humble opinion taken from my experince as a submissive person and death of relationships and people both vanilla and in WIITWD.

*Brightspot

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(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 19

RE: Death of a M/mate - 2/11/2006 9:52:24 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

On a general basis, how we deal with andprepare for death or nthe death on a loved one of friend will to some degree be influenced by our culture, race and religious beliefs (if any).

On a peraonal basis, I make every attempt to have everything ready so that Neets has no additional problems to deal with if and when I decide to quit this life. There are a number of things which she will never need to know let alone deal with and to this end there are people who upon hearing of my death will set certain wheels in motion and shut down specific access codes and avenues so as to ensure her protection. One legal firm have lengthy detailed instructions as to who to contact and what needs to be done for hereditary entitlements etc in the UK so that my son becomes heir of those entitlements both British and European. It is unlikely that I'll out live Neets considerig our 30 year age difference so it is essential that she has minimal things to worry about. The funeral ceremony and other service details including music are already sorted.

How do I deal with the loss of a loved one, or friend/comrade? I learned a long time ago that there is a time to cry and grieve and a time to deal with the practicalities and be strong for other family members. I have lose dur to age several friends, more again family. Of Comrades, some have passed away due to age of illness or even accident as well as a couple from ilnesses developed during conflict (Agent Orange for starters). In conflict some of my trooers have died in my arms and some have not but I still have the vivid memories of each of the 110 troopers killed under my command. The most painfull part was not the loss but writing letters to and later visiting their families...... Such is the price of life and living.

_____________________________

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(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 20

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