RE: What is it that us Dominants do?

RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (Full Version)

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MasterGreg43 -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 10:10:43 AM)
The Dominant is usually considered to be the teacher in a D/s relationship. Be willing to learn from other Dominants who may have a totally different perspective than your own. Every Dom can learn from other styles and ways of thinking. A Dominant should always strive to grow and the best way to do this by discovering others techniques and ideas

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 10:24:17 AM)
See, so many of the folks here are relating this whole 'dominant' thing to BDSM, D/s, M/s, etc... but to me, being -dominant- has nothing to do with being in a relationship, being involved in BDSM, or needing to control other -people-. It is a specific attitude with which one approaches one's LIFE... being 'dominant' means -making- a life, instead of just falling into one or letting fate or other people create one for you. It means directing your own future, instead of letting your future be shaped by circumstance or someone else's ideas of what is right. It means making decisions and accepting responsibility for them, instead of waiting around to just see what happens. IF we end up in a relationship with another person, and IF that other person is submissive to us, it also means accepting that in order to continue to make our -own- life, we're also going to be responsible for making a life for this other person, but we don't -need- to be in a relationship or in D/s or anything else to be a fully-expressed dominant individual. Dame Calla

IronBear -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 10:48:36 AM)
What a wonderful Lady you are Calla. I couldn't have put it better. Sadly this is something which a goodly number of Dominants fail to understand I fear..

Jeptha -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 10:56:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite ....In my last relationship, my partner didn't feel like I was submitting to a particular thing unless I didn't enjoy it - it had to hurt more than I liked, or be a little emotionally uncomfortable. That worked just fine for both of us, and yes, I did dishes, and from an attitude of service, rather than just being helpful. ... I find that part of the quote that I've put in bold fascinating. To me, that would be more of something like emotional sadism...or something! I don't know. I'm fuzzy on that, and it's very interesting to me. I realize that the fact that I like to engage in activities that my partner also enjoys may make me sound like a "service top".... While I'm not quite on board with that designation yet, I am open to the idea that what I do, and prefer, may not be dominance as many here are looking at it. I see my control as extending to when, where and how much something will happen - in these ways, I impose my will, I suppose. But the fact that it will happen at all is the result of a collaboration of wills. This discussion of doing the dishes as a sort of mark of service and/or dominance is interesting to me as well. I tend not to assign such menial tasks. Now - I think part of that is that I'm a very independent person. I'm a lifelong bachelor, pretty much. I do not move in, or intertangle finances or possessions or anything like that, to a very great degree. Therefor, I prefer parnters who are also very independent. I've also been in professions where maintaining order and cleaning up after one's self is highly emphasized. I'm not against delegating stuff like that, but there has to be a good reason for it - that's what I expect of other people, and it's what I generally strive to do myself.

Jeptha -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 11:07:38 AM)
Calla, I agree with your big picture assessment - but to be "dominant" don't you have to be dominant in relation to something? If I were to try to offer my own succinct answer to "what is it that dominants do", I would probably come up with something like "take responsibility for themselves", which I think is in the neighborhood of your idea. But - would that be something that dominants do, or just something that adults do? I love Padriag's answer because it is challenging to think about - and, because there are subs who are looking for a particular expression of dominance or another. And there is a difference in how dominants interpret and express it.

IronBear -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 11:35:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha Calla, I agree with your big picture assessment - but to be "dominant" don't you have to be dominant in relation to something? Replying expressly to the bolded section Jeptha, A Dominant should take control of their life and as such dominate a good portion of what is effecting them. If they have leadership skills they can use their dominance to move ahead in their chosen form of employment and if needs be go and obtain what ever training is required to become the dominant person in much of their life. Domination in a relationship is only one small part of the whople picture where as being a diominant within their own life and controling as much is possible is a much larger portion of the cake.

daddysprop247 -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 11:54:30 AM)
IronBear and Calla, great answers. so often on this site it seems that the very idea of true dominance (or submissiveness for that matter) is lost or outright denied. kudos to you both, i could not agree more.

leadership527 -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 11:59:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha I realize that the fact that I like to engage in activities that my partner also enjoys may make me sound like a "service top".... While I'm not quite on board with that designation yet, I am open to the idea that what I do, and prefer, may not be dominance as many here are looking at it. I might be wrong here Jeptha, but I think you're spnning on the same point I was and I think Ironbear's response to me kind of suits you also. Bachelor or not, you are clearly seeking to bond intimately and emotionally with your partner which means, inevitably, the "you/me" boundary starts to get fuzzy. The tighter that bond, the fuzzier the boundary. After Ironbear's response, I've just settled down to the following: My decisions tree is mine and nobody elses. The particulars of that decision tree don't so much matter. What matters is that it is mine and I execute to it. And frankly, I'm not even sure that matters except insofar as scoring points as a board warrior. :)

Jeptha -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 12:05:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha Calla, I agree with your big picture assessment - but to be "dominant" don't you have to be dominant in relation to something? Replying expressly to the bolded section Jeptha, A Dominant should take control of their life and as such dominate a good portion of what is effecting them. .... IronBear, I believe that I agree with this (...tho we could get into parsing out what "good portion" represents!)... I agree that a dominant should do this. However - I think I just see this as one of the principle tasks of growing up and being an autonomous being...taking responsibility for one's life decisions and one's own happiness (to whatever degree one is able, I suppose, since life can throw different circumstances, challenges, and so forth, at each of us.)

Jeptha -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 12:18:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 ...My decisions tree is mine and nobody elses. The particulars of that decision tree don't so much matter. What matters is that it is mine and I execute to it.... I think you're right about that. But - I also want to be clear in my mind about what and why I want what I want, and I want to be able to explain that to someone else, too. In real life, it becomes clear pretty quickly if a potential partner and I have differing visions of what we seek. But it's better if I can communicate it clearly at the outset. Plus - it's a fun thing to chew over on the boards here (along with chomping my bagel in mock indignation.) And I am fuzzy about some of these ideas and how others see them, so I seek to clarify their points of reference for myself. And then, you never know when that little information piece will click into place and result in a moment of clarity.

TreasureKY -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 1:27:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW See, so many of the folks here are relating this whole 'dominant' thing to BDSM, D/s, M/s, etc... but to me, being -dominant- has nothing to do with being in a relationship, being involved in BDSM, or needing to control other -people-. It is a specific attitude with which one approaches one's LIFE... being 'dominant' means -making- a life, instead of just falling into one or letting fate or other people create one for you. It means directing your own future, instead of letting your future be shaped by circumstance or someone else's ideas of what is right. It means making decisions and accepting responsibility for them, instead of waiting around to just see what happens. IF we end up in a relationship with another person, and IF that other person is submissive to us, it also means accepting that in order to continue to make our -own- life, we're also going to be responsible for making a life for this other person, but we don't -need- to be in a relationship or in D/s or anything else to be a fully-expressed dominant individual. Dame Calla On one hand, I'd agree... yes, a dominant needs to be those things. But on the other, I don't believe that is what makes a dominant, dominant. Those characteristics they can apply to anyone... dominant or submissive. I have always approached life with the attitude that it is my responsibility to make my life... not just wait around for it to happen or someone else to make it for me. I've directed my own future, made my own decisions, and accepted responsibility for them. I've never just waited around to see what would happen. While now in a relationship where Firm has assumed authority over me, my life is still ultimately my own responsibility... there's simply just another layer of protection (outside of my own good judgment) to ensure happiness not only for myself, but for the life that we have together. This attitude does not make me a dominant.

Andalusite -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/17/2009 8:52:37 PM)
Yup, I agree with Treasure, any adult should be meeting those criteria, whether or not they are into D/s or BDSM. Besides, we're on a D/s and BDSM-oriented website, so I think it's a little silly to discuss dominance outside of that context. Plenty of people who have dominant, alpha personalities and have their life together are completely vanilla or are submissive. I don't find there's a correlation between that kind of dominance and D/s. Jeptha, the way he explained it is that if it's something I'd do for anyone, because I like doing it, how can it express submission? He did definitely have an interest in expressing sadism in ways that were different from previous partners I'd been with. He didn't want me to not enjoy it at all, but he did want a certain amount of discomfort/fear/etc. involved. For what it's worth, I don't see your views as service topping, or even topping without D/s, at all.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 9:11:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jeptha Calla, I agree with your big picture assessment - but to be "dominant" don't you have to be dominant in relation to something? I -am- dominant in relation to something. In fact, I am dominant in relation to just about -everything-. Even in my job, where I have a boss, rather than just taking orders on how things must be, I created my own job title and duties -- a job in which my particular talents would be well-utilized, and my less-than-stellar qualities would not creep up to sabotage the organization. My boss -does- provide a doorway for leadership, but I am -always- proactive in how I approach issues that may come up. Usually, I am the first one to know I screwed up... so rather than waiting for the hammer to drop, I will go to my boss and say "Hey, I ran into an issue with this. I messed up here and here, and this is what I'm doing to fix it." I am dominant in relation to life, and to society. I move through the world within a map that I actively control. quote: If I were to try to offer my own succinct answer to "what is it that dominants do", I would probably come up with something like "take responsibility for themselves", which I think is in the neighborhood of your idea. Yes, that pretty much is a good way to sum it up succinctly. As a word/description junkie, I just like to flesh it out and give it the substance of the descriptives. quote: But - would that be something that dominants do, or just something that adults do? Not all adults take responsibility for themselves. Not very many adults actually want or need to chart their own course of life. Many adults are more than happy to let employers, family members, businesses, marketers, salespeople, neighbors, religious leaders, and other people decide for them how they will live, the work they will have to be satisfied with, the beliefs they will hold, and the causes they will support. Heck, it's been my experience that a majority of adults aren't even paying -attention- to their lives on a minimal level... and then they're shocked when suddenly, the bottom falls out and they have no idea how to put their lives back together. If my life goes off-course, I have a process in place to get it back on track. If it's knocked off by 1 degree or 180, I know what process I need to go through to get myself back to where I've mapped. If I screw up, I have a process to get me back on track... and I do my absolute best to get a picture of what's going on around me, since part of the process of dominion, on this level, includes "forewarned is forearmed". quote: I love Padriag's answer because it is challenging to think about - and, because there are subs who are looking for a particular expression of dominance or another. And there is a difference in how dominants interpret and express it. I agree that Padriag's answer suits very well when discussing relations with others -- but I hold to my position that dominion is, first, an act of self-creation, and only on an ancillary level is it about how we -relate-. I would also agree that it is a particular bias of mine, and may be heavily related to the amount of time I've spent in monastic pursuits, where one's dominion is rarely over anything but oneself, and, perhaps, a blank manuscript page or the tomato worms in the garden. Warmly, Dame Calla

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 9:36:00 AM)
One problem that I have in associating dominion/dominance with relationships is that it defies the existence of the dominant (or submissive) individual outside of a relationship structure. In the end, we are all ourselves... alone. What defines us and how we use those tools must, in my mind, also therefore stand up to definitions that accept that the core of a personality trait relates to the individual, rather than a collective. Because of this, while I can embrace that dominion is more easily observed in multi-person dynamics, I believe that the inherent nature of a person cannot be defined by that person's relationships. To put this more representationally... one situation that springs to mind was a discussion with The Bladewing, when he came to tell me that the House Council had decided that I would enter sponsorship as a Keeper and would receive my crop. He basically said that I had done exactly what I said I would do, and had worked really hard to give good service to the House, but that I had one glaring area of lack, and one area where I'd been less than honest, maybe even with myself, in that, in five years. He told me that, though I'd gone through the motions, I had never really submitted to him or the House, and he knew it, and was willing to allow the charade for as long as it seemed that it was productive for both parties. It wasn't about what I -did-, because he said that I'd served thoroughly, and that the House had benefitted from my years of training as much as I probably had, but that it was pretty apparent that the hoops I was putting myself through to continue to try to yield to reach my goals were creating a real pretzel of a mess. I thought I'd done a pretty good job of sublimating my own self-direction for those five years! To hear that from the one man that I really thought that maybe I could have given over my dominion to -- well, it really solidified for me that one's nature is one's nature... and in the cause of honesty, I would not even attempt to -make- such a commitment again. Again, YMMV. I can only explain how things appear to me. Dame Calla

RumpusParable -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 9:58:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IronBear Not wanting to hijack another thread, something Leadership said prompted me to ask the is question:: What is it that us Dominants do? Just be me with someone who is just being them.

Jeptha -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 3:57:25 PM)
I think I'm getting a better sense of what you mean, Calla. What you mention about your work situation, and something IronBear mentioned in another thread (something about how he relates to doctors or lawyers as peers of a sort who, like all of us, have their job to do) have got me thinking about it more. Part of why I was saying that it's all just part of growing up, I think, is because I didn't have these concepts (of dominance) in place when I was growing up. In order to put together some kind of sensible framework to relate to the rest of the world with I borrowed some ideas from buddhism, and maybe some from psychoanylitic literature. Nothing very sophisticated - just an idea here or there to try and get a handle on what people are about, how we create ourselves (if we do), or how we are influenced, etc. Probably since discovering and putting together some idea of "what dominance means to me" and trying to become consistent with it, I have been more pro-active in ways similar to those that you mention. (I'm thinking sort of specifically of the work examples here.)

TreasureKY -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 7:08:12 PM)
Fast Reply... lol... You know, I think I've figured out what sets dominants apart. It isn't so much what they do; it's that they believe that they are unique in how they do it. Arrogance, if you will. [;)]

FirmhandKY -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 7:18:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY Fast Reply... lol... You know, I think I've figured out what sets dominants apart. It isn't so much what they do; it's that they believe that they are unique in how they do it. Arrogance, if you will. [;)] HEY! I resemble that remark! Firm

FirmhandKY -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/18/2009 7:23:20 PM)
FR: Seriously now ... While it's obvious that a lot of thinking has gone on in a lot of peoples' heads, I have to say that I've been around all those corners and streets, and I tend to eventually try to reduce things to their utter essence. So ... I think that the only real difference between a sub and a dom is that one enjoys or prefers being a leader, and one enjoys or prefers being a follower. All else is shadows and lighting. Firm

Andalusite -> RE: What is it that us Dominants do? (6/19/2009 7:06:35 AM)
Firm, I still think it's more useful to specifically limit that to within the context of a relationship. Leadership/following in their work/family/etc. life may or may not have any correlation to D/s.

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