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Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 11:43:07 AM

QuixoticOtaku

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So the relationship has troubles, and is changing for the worse... we're nearly breaking up... then she says...

"Do you remember that time you woke me up by having intercourse with me? It wasn't something I wanted to do. I told a friend about it and she said that you raped me."

Okay.... if it was 'rape':
1) Shouldn't she have called me on it, dumped me, or even moved out? Why introduce me as her girlfriend to her family and friends months later?

2) Shouldn't she have notified the police of this heinous crime?

I have a feeling that male dominants experience female subs crying rape aka sour grapes more often that Dominant women. One never hears of a man telling a female dominant that he felt raped and powerless months after the incident.

Okay so waking her up with sex was a poor judgment call and upset her... so why doesn't she tell me before she tells her friend and this is months later that I'm hearing that I had violated her trust?????

Post #: 1

RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 11:56:18 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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Yes, as a pastoral care provider, I've seen and heard this situation come up more times than I'd care to count. To me, it sounds like, somewhere in there, there is a need to justify the failure of the relationship and find some reason to lay blame for the pain of the ending -- and the more reasons one can find to lay blame or to get other people to vilify this individual, the easier it is to justify ones own part in the breakdown of the relationship.

Unless she follows through and presses charges, I'd just respond with "I am sorry that you feel that way. It wasn't my intention to traumatize you, and, since you never mentioned that it was a problem, I truly didn't realize that you felt that behavior to be outside of the boundaries of what we had agreed to." ... and leave it at that.

Dame Calla

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 12:16:08 PM

Ialdabaoth

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From: Tempe, AZ
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However, be careful not to phrase your apology in any way that could be construed as an admission, or it could be used in court if she later decides to press charges anyways.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 1:16:12 PM

agirl

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Christ , I'd hate to be a guy.....lol

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 1:20:36 PM

Starbuck09

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It's not all bad girl there's plenty of fringe benefits.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 1:43:23 PM

silvermuse

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I had to make 'starting anything when I'm asleep' a hard limit. There's a 80% chance I'll backflash...

However, that's a completely different situation. With me it's a line drawn in the sand. Do not cross. Do not pass go.

Deciding months after the event that A, B, or C was rape is bogus. Sorry, you KNOW when you've been raped. You don't need someone else deciding that for you.

muse

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 2:32:19 PM

StoneFox

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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That's so tricky in a D/s relationship since unless they specifcally tell you...as silver muse said...that sexual contact under certain circumstances is NOT ok...many subs loved to be 'used' in this manner. You hear it all the time. The forums are full of subs singing it's praises.

I have had personal experience when I was 18 with a former vanilla lover taking advantage when I was clearly not receptive though not my usual self (falling-down drunk). I felt guilt later that maybe I should have screamed or tried to fight him off. It was confusing for me, especially since he sort of did a "Jekyll and Hyde". BUT I will sat this...I TOLD him before anything happened that I did NOT want to have sex that weekend. He obviously thought he knew better then me. And I bitched him out afterwards. Anyways...blah blah blah, long story short I didn't report it because I felt unsure of myself and didn't want the hassle. I clearly remember him saying once that if I ever reported him for anything nobody would believe me. HUGE red flag! Mistakes made, lesson learned.

However, if your ex didn't say anything to you before or soon after the incident...if you didn't notice she seemed upset or a change in her behavior...I would consider it sour grapes. Listen to Dame Calla and try to break contact with as little fuss as possible.

(in reply to silvermuse)

Post #: 7

RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 2:56:49 PM

oceanwinds

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In different BDSM chatrooms, I have heard of this happening. If she felt you were raping her she should had mentioned that to you then. It really would make me wonder why she stayed if she felt that way. Rape fantasies are a hard limit for me and if anyone tried, I would have ended it right then.

I am sorry you got caught up in this.
oceanwinds

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 3:05:47 PM

Kalista07

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i realize that You have posted this in the As a Master section, but i thought perhaps my experience in this situation my shed some 'comfort' for You.... i was brutally raped, attacked, and otherwise assaulted by a 'dominant' man i met through here. In fact the only reason i was able to get out of the situation is because i called the police and they busted down the door and let me out of the apartment. i had physical evidence, he had previous accusations, there was enough material around the house to substantiate my reports.......The police opted not to press charges however........i think it's a lot more difficult to get the authorities to take these things seriously, than people might think.
i hope this provides You with some comfort.
Kali

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(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 9

RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 3:08:54 PM

LookieNoNookie

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Never had that....but as a 14 year old young man...on a day I wasn't even within 20 miles of her home (which was 5 down from mine), and was with an adult female (25 years my senior...a friend of my fathers) the entire time, I arrived at my home (with this adult woman) to find 2 police there waiting for me....because my ex girlfriend (see above) accused me of attempting to rape her.

Her evidence?

Cuts and bruises from my excessive force on her at her door. I'd cut her with my fingernails while manhandling her.

I showed the officers my fingernails (which I'd been biting since I was a child), they shrugged, took me 'downtown" and booked me.

Even after it was proven I didn't do anything (solely because it would have been geographically impossible to have done so...since I was nowhere near the scene of the crime and had a viable witness in the adult female I'd been with), even after the police determined I couldn't have "nubbed" anyone to death with my fingernails....she was never brought in for questioning, never accused of falsifying a crime....and to this day....36 years later I'm still pissed as hell about it.

(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)

Post #: 10

RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 3:20:11 PM

QuixoticOtaku

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Joined: 1/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i realize that You have posted this in the As a Master section, but i thought perhaps my experience in this situation my shed some 'comfort' for You.... i was brutally raped, attacked, and otherwise assaulted by a 'dominant' man i met through here. In fact the only reason i was able to get out of the situation is because i called the police and they busted down the door and let me out of the apartment. i had physical evidence, he had previous accusations, there was enough material around the house to substantiate my reports.......The police opted not to press charges however........i think it's a lot more difficult to get the authorities to take these things seriously, than people might think.
i hope this provides You with some comfort.
Kali

I'm very sorry to hear that, and that info provides no comfort to me.

To clarify my original post... I am a bi female (XX chromosomes). The sub/current girlfriend is a transfemale, i.e., has XY chormosomes but identifies and is transitioning to female.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 11

RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 4:26:30 PM

Danibelle

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Joined: 11/24/2008
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I think there are a great many people from every walk of life who enjoy morning play. I don't think it's out of line at all UNLESS you have been specifically told it's off limits.

I would think that anyone who has a "no play while I'm sleeping/waking up" policy HAS a reason due to past events and would have that policy regardless of the nature of the sexual relationship.

If it was such a problem, it should have been brought up at the time. No excuses. There was no ill intent on your part and, as far as you knew, she was a consenting party.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 4:33:35 PM

GYPZYQUEEN

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Joined: 4/14/2009
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I am assuming your side of the story is correct here..

IF THIS is happening right now be carefull... and be careful what you say..and what you say on the phone..if she is vindictive in anyway this can be hell for men and ya it happens to men OFTEN..

I think it is fukkin shitty...

IF she still lives with you and keeps bringing it up ..have a phrase you repeat that is the same such as..
"IT is unfortunate you see it that way.. I was under the understanding that...................."
and then DO NOT ARGUE >>JUSTIFY or GO ON ABOUT IT
BE confident amd firm in your "belief" even if you feel scared..

SHE may be trying to mind fuck you and jerk you around..

HAS she moved on yet? are you still together??
If she stayed on..welllllllllllllllllll.. I am sure she would be asked why??

TALK to a lawyer if you are really uncomfortable

Morning sex is often part of a couple's process...and she did not say anything then or give a STOP indication...
BEST OF LUCK

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 6/14/2009 4:35:49 PM >

(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 4:42:24 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Well, around this place we have a pretty hard rule. If at any point someone uses their safe word, or even "No", "Don't", or "Stop", that means "Stop!", and that stopping happens instantly. It has happened a couple of times where, mid-sleep coitus has gotten a "No... not right now.", and things come to a grinding halt instantly. Thankfully, those are rare, as I rather enjoy waking up to find myself in my pet, and I know the pet doesn't mind much either. ;)

I would think that, as long as your sub did not protest, did not say no, did not struggle, did not say "stop", that you would be in the clear. However, it's entirely your word against hers, and historically that doesn't tend to work too well at all. I wish you the best in this...

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 4:44:15 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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She sounds like a destructive drama queen. I'd distance myself as quietly and quickly as possible.

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 6:17:06 PM

Apocalypso

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Joined: 4/20/2009
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If this is possibly going to end up in court, it might not be a good idea to be posting about it...

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There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 8:17:58 PM

sweetsub1957

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Joined: 4/28/2009
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Ya know, i think this this whole thing is fucked up and she is a trouble making drama queen, trying to excuse her part in the relationship troubles. If a person gets raped, they usually KNOW they've been raped. i was and it didn't take me months to decide whether i had been or not. Even someone who "isn't sure" would come to that realization a lot sooner than months down the road and, if someone else has to tell them that long after the fact, it's just not worth pressing it. If she didn't ever want to be woken up with sex, she should've Hard Limited it, like i Hard Limit rape fantasies because of what happened to me and flashbacks. i know You are most likely very stressed and shook up about this but, and i know this from experience, it's very difficult to prove rape even with physical evidence.....and this long after the fact there is none. i feel very bad that this has happened to You, and i wish You the best of luck.

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(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 9:13:30 PM

antipode

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Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

we're nearly breaking up... then she says...

People say things at breakup time, don't they? She passed on a comment made by a friend, and you could read that as a communication, if you wanted, she clearly was not too happy when she said it. Not knowing what the arrangement was, between you, I have no idea whether this was date rape or not. Since she didn't call the police, she was communicating with you, or attempting to, and I can't quite figure out why that would upset you.

(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/14/2009 9:14:41 PM

Malkinius

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Joined: 1/9/2004
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Greetings QuixoticOtaku....

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuixoticOtaku

So the relationship has troubles, and is changing for the worse... we're nearly breaking up... then she says...

"Do you remember that time you woke me up by having intercourse with me? It wasn't something I wanted to do. I told a friend about it and she said that you raped me."

Everyone else so far missed the part I emphasized. It wasn't rape until a friend told her it was rape. There used to be a fairly large group of people, almost all female, who took it upon themselves to force people to call any even not sure they wanted but didn't mind at the time sex, rape. There were even books written about how to do this and then how to "fix" the person afterwards due to how traumatized they were by the situation. Fix being make them like the members of their group. Usually, this group targeted only men. You do seem to be an exception to that case. Is the "friend of your friend" also after them?

quote:

Okay.... if it was 'rape':
1) Shouldn't she have called me on it, dumped me, or even moved out? Why introduce me as her girlfriend to her family and friends months later?

2) Shouldn't she have notified the police of this heinous crime?

Legally it doesn't work that way. Someone can decide years later they were raped and it can go to court.

quote:

I have a feeling that male dominants experience female subs crying rape aka sour grapes more often that Dominant women. One never hears of a man telling a female dominant that he felt raped and powerless months after the incident.

That is the normal case, yes. You might get off because of it but don't bet on it. It depends on how persuasive the friend is.

quote:

Okay so waking her up with sex was a poor judgment call and upset her... so why doesn't she tell me before she tells her friend and this is months later that I'm hearing that I had violated her trust?????

Because until the friend changed her mind about it, it wasn't.

Be well.....

Malkinius

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(in reply to QuixoticOtaku)

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RE: Ever have a sub cry "rape" months later? - 6/15/2009 4:38:25 AM

flamingpuppets

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/6/2009
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quote:

ed, and otherwise assaulted by a 'dominant' man i met through here. In fact the only reason i was able to get out of the situation is because i called the police and they busted down the door and let me out of the apartment. i had physical evidence, he had previous accusations, there was enough material arou

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i realize that You have posted this in the As a Master section, but i thought perhaps my experience in this situation my shed some 'comfort' for You.... i was brutally raped, attacked, and otherwise assaulted by a 'dominant' man i met through here. In fact the only reason i was able to get out of the situation is because i called the police and they busted down the door and let me out of the apartment. i had physical evidence, he had previous accusations, there was enough material around the house to substantiate my reports.......The police opted not to press charges however........i think it's a lot more difficult to get the authorities to take these things seriously, than people might think.
i hope this provides You with some comfort.
Kali

that provides me personally (as a criminal justice major) no comfort at all.
I hope that piece of shit burns in hell.
Oh and sleep sex is the best way to wake up.

(in reply to Kalista07)

Post #: 20

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