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And of course other questions much too private for discussion board.

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I know he struggled with his medications, which was always difficult for me to understand.

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ORIGINAL: Arpig

Since it seems very few people with schizophrenic disorders ever really explain just what it is like to have voices in one's head, I thought it might be of interest to those with quiet heads if somebody did explain. First a bit of background.

I have schizo-effective disorder, and recently, for the 1st time, I did what, apparently nearly every schizo does, I went off my meds. Why you ask, well its like this. These meds can be pretty brutal. I was sleeping 14-15 hours a day, waking up feeling like I had barely slept, and finding no joy in anything, I was a zombie. As well it is the nature of the illness that the drugs must be adjusted regularly, because their effectiveness wears off over time. In other words the voices come back. So one wonders why take these pills that make you feel like shit if they aren't going to work? Now the obvious answer, is that when the voices begin to come back, one should tell their doctor right away. Unfortunatly, another symptom of schizophrenia is irrational thoughts and thought processes. I won't go into the convoluted reasoning I worked out for myself to justify it, but simply that I managed to convince myself that it would be a good thing to try. Well wonder of wonders! I felt better. I slept a normal amount, I enjoyed life, and had enthusiasm. It was great! total justification for getting off the meds.

This lasted for a while, but then things started getting weirder and weirder, it became harder and harder to think rationally. Once that happens, well you are in trouble. The voices come back with a vengeance. Things get worse and worse, until you end up being rushed to the hospital, or worse, you go off the deep end and do something really horrific. Well I ended up in the hospital. Called 911 myself, actually (yes I am sort of proud of that). Well I have a pocketful of drugs now (a different ones than before), a prescription for some more, and the firm intention of calling my shrink first thing tommorrow morning to get an appointment. This thread stems from one of the Drs asking me what the voices I heard were like

I know it differs from one sufferer to another, but in my case, I hear more than one voice. There are 2 different types of voice as well. Firstly there are what I call the general voices, they are generic, They sound different at different times, but they are pretty much all the same. They are all really fucking evil as well. As an example, earlier this evening, one of them was describing to me in great detail how it would feel to strangle somebody. I was on MSN with this nice young sub, and I told him about it. I give him credit, he did not disconnect straight away, however, I bet he was glad there was an internet between us rather than just a table. These guys wil appear and start in with their wierd shit at random times. I have been slow dancing with a delicious woman, enjoying the hell out of it, when all of a sudden this voice begins to outline a plot to commit some horrid deed. It can make it hard to concentrate on the woman.

The second group are the individual voices. there is 20 some odd of these, and each has its own personality and name. Its own imaginary history and so on. They have a specific view of the world, and their place in it.

Basically they claim that they actually live on some other-woldly plane which is ruled by 3 ever warring tribes: Gods, Spirits, and Demons. All my voices are Spirits, and they are all related in one large and very incestuous family. As a rule they are pretty benign. They can be petty and they are quick to anger, and sometimes urge me to violence, it is violence along the lines of punching somone out. Nothing near so drastic as the general voices. I can have conversations with the individual voices, much like one can with any person. Some are smart, some are slow, each is different, but each has continuity.

I know they are all hallucinations, because they all go away when I take my meds. But before I got on the meds, it was tempting to believe that they may in fact be real. Very tempting in fact, I mean didn't Moses hear a voice? When the general voices start in on me, when they urge me to do things that are blatantly wrong, the individual voices encourage me to resist, they try to shout the general voice down and so on. The real trouble, is that just as if they were real beings with real lives of their own, the individual voices are not usually around to help. There have been times when I almost believed the individual voices were what they claim to be, remember that bit earlier about not thinking rationally.

It is not like this for everybody who hears voices, but that is how it was for me. If anybody has any questions, I will be happy to answer them. or if anybody else would like to try explain what its like with their voices, i would really like to hear from you. To compare notes as it were. I have no idea if any others have the same sort of voices as I do or not, the doctors seem singularly uninterested in the details of how the voices present themselves, they only worry if the person believes the voices are real or not. As long as you know they are just hallucinations, you are on the right path. That and some of those nasty-ass drugs that is.

Now I will sit here and stare at this for god knows how long trying to decide if I really should post this or not. Well I have decided..Fuck it, so what if they all think I am completely nuts...I am completely nuts!

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ORIGINAL: Arpig

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My question/comment~ Are you maybe also describing multi-personality disorder?

I would have thought so to, but in the case of multi-personality, my understanding is that they do notinteract with eachother, one cannot talk to them. At least that is my understanding, based on very little actual knowledge of course.

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I have been following this thread with fascination. First, Arpig, thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. This private part of you is teaching us (me), as I think of my nephew who suffers from schizophrenia. Your reasoning for not wanting to take your meds certainly clears some reasons up for me, as he never wants to take his either. I know you said you didn't want to get into it (and obviously, the decision to go off your meds is a bad one, no matter what), but I wonder what you thought was a good thing to do when you said, "I won't go into the convoluted reasoning I worked out for myself to justify it, but simply that I managed to convince myself that it would be a good thing to try. Well wonder of wonders! I felt better. I slept a normal amount, I enjoyed life, and had enthusiasm. It was great! total justification for getting off the meds."

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ORIGINAL: Arpig

Another update.

I spoke to the girl I mentioned earlier, the one who spoke to the voices. I asked her if she was willing to come on and tell what things were like from her side, how it would be really interesting for everybody if she did so. She agreed it would probably be interesting, and said she might just make a post or two....so if you want to hear her side of the story, best encourage her on here. BTW- she has seen the thread, but hasn't had the time to read it all yet.

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ORIGINAL: Arpig

As well they had no concept of chocolate!!! (See, not all my exchanges with them were inciteful, eriudite exchanges).
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Several people have prefacced their questions, both on here and on the other side, by saying it was a silly thing to ask. I don't think of them as silly at all, so please, ask away.