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24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:22:53 AM

aLittleKitten

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline

I'm brand new, and being here for less than 48 hours has really given my head a spin in regards to what I thought the BDSM Community was actually about.

Let me elaborate.

The idea of 24 / 7. As a newbie to the scene, and someone with limited experience, I'd only heard it occasionally, sort of laughed out a little by writers and people I'd talked to. The idea of complete power exchange forever and always, every day, in all aspects of life seemed kind of ludicrous to someone like me.

Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

Is the joke on me? Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. I'm sure it works for some, but I thought a lot of the appeal of BDSM was calculated loss of control in fantasy (realistic, but still Cops and Robbers with your pants off) with equality of both parties simply put aside for the duration of play. The term "play" also indicates this. The whole concept of a safeword, etc doesn't seem to jive with the idea that you've completely agreed to give all agency to your Dom.

The idea of 24/7 gives me the kneejerk reaction of hiding behind BDSM when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal, or someone with the ability to make their own decisions.

I wrote a journal entry about it, but I want to discuss. Polite, please. I am only reacting here, I clearly don't have all the answers and am looking for guidance and information.

Post #: 1

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:30:59 AM

MstrPBK

Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

Yes 24/7 does happen. but ... there are also those who might be called "weekend warriors" who do BDSM as they can. And some, like you, are still trying to figure out WHAT they want and how. Keep in mind the community is a whole spectrum of people in different places which THEY like; no two are the same. And finally there some do not understand the difference between REAL and FANTASY.

Welcome to the community - hope your journey is long and safe.

MstrPBK
St. Pual, MN USA

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 2

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:34:12 AM

hlen5

Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline

Congratulations on your first post! I'm sure your head IS swimming.

Contuinue to read and observe the forums here. You will be exposed to the entire range of relationship behaviors. I enjoyed the "cops and robbers with your pants off" line!!

There are indeed people on here who live 24/7 lives. There are also people who save their kink for the bedroom. Think of an relationship option and it might be expressed here.

I hope you do get kind replies and noone gets their nickers in a twist enough to be sarcastic to you. You might get an entire range of niceness from your post as well.

_____________________________

My fave Thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2626198/mpage_1/tm.htm

One time "Phallus Expert Extraordinaire"

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 3

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:37:40 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least.

It depends who you talk to. Some people do want a 24/7 TPE micromanaged relationship. Why should them attaining the type of relationship they want be disconcerting to you?

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

I'm sure it works for some, but I thought a lot of the appeal of BDSM was calculated loss of control in fantasy (realistic, but still Cops and Robbers with your pants off) with equality of both parties simply put aside for the duration of play. The term "play" also indicates this. The whole concept of a safeword, etc doesn't seem to jive with the idea that you've completely agreed to give all agency to your Dom.

And plenty of people pursue BDSM and D/s relationships for reasons other than just the kink aspect. Some people have relationships with a power exchange dynamic without even including BDSM kink play.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

The idea of 24/7 gives me the kneejerk reaction of hiding behind BDSM when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal, or someone with the ability to make their own decisions.

And the subs who agree to this are...what? Lost little sheep who must be psychologically marred to a point where their decisions/wants/desires are suspect?

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

I wrote a journal entry about it, but I want to discuss. Polite, please. I am only reacting here, I clearly don't have all the answers and am looking for guidance and information.

The expanse of WIITWD (what it is that we do), you must realize, is as varied as the individuals that comprise it. You will find plenty of people seeking things that might make most other people cringe. The entire point of being in a position of a sexual/social minority is to understand that just because someone's interests look presumably bad/naughty/unhealthy on the outside does not mean they are inherently negative at all.

You're not alone, though. Plenty of people is the community still are prone to have a derisive view of more extreme relationship styles, but with a developed understanding of mutual consent, I think the overall view moves towards a more open and tolerant mindset.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 4

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:47:14 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Welcome aLittleKitten. In all actuality, the BDSM community is comprised of many different variations and not all relationships are 24/7. When I first entered this world, I did take that route of handing over all control over all aspects of my life to another. At that time, I believe that is what I wanted and the reality, for me, was far more intense then I had ever anticipated. Keep in mind that is what I agreed to and I willingly entered into, I was micromanaged and I did have to totally alter my way of thinking to a life that was still quite unfamiliar with.

For some, the appeal is that total authority exchange, for some they mainly enjoy the kinky aspects of BDSM, though each person has their own reasons for wanting to incorperate WIITWD into their lives.

It's my opinion that even though by all appearances, the inequality between the people is obvious and yet, the one who seems to be on "the short end of the stick" can and do find a sense of equality and balance in that situation. For myself, when I am in a relationship with another and I am also thier submissive, it is only then I am able to acheive a complete balance physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally within myself. Yes my partner has more control and a greater say in the relationship, yet I strive and am driven to fulfill my partners needs and wants as that is where I find my needs and wants are fulfilled. This is where I gain that inner balance and peace I need. It is not just the physical play activities, it's a mixture of physical, mental, spiritual and emtional balance where I find my equality. With the right person, my submissive qualities are in balance with my partner's dominant qualities and that is where the inequality is in harmony.

< Message edited by beargonewild -- 6/24/2009 10:48:56 AM >

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 5

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:49:16 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Is this what the community really is?

What confuses me is that you would think there is a "BDSM community". There are people that participate in BDSM, and they do all sorts of things, from mink lined restraints to full 24/7 ownership. BDSM is loosely defined as "alternative sex", but there isn't a rulebook, and the sooner you start thinking away from that concept, the less confused you will be. Just as in the rest of life, it takes all sorts.

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 6

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:49:40 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

The idea of 24 / 7. As a newbie to the scene, and someone with limited experience, I'd only heard it occasionally, sort of laughed out a little by writers and people I'd talked to. The idea of complete power exchange forever and always, every day, in all aspects of life seemed kind of ludicrous to someone like me.

Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

Is the joke on me? Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least. I'm sure it works for some, but I thought a lot of the appeal of BDSM was calculated loss of control in fantasy (realistic, but still Cops and Robbers with your pants off) with equality of both parties simply put aside for the duration of play.

The idea of 24/7 gives me the kneejerk reaction of hiding behind BDSM when you're in reality someone who doesn't see your partner as an equal, or someone with the ability to make their own decisions.

Some "knee-jerk" thoughts of my own:

• functioning "24/7" slavery or submission is rather rare, but not relegated to the stuff of fantasies only;

• there is no shortage of individuals who enjoy erotic role playing with D/s elements (it is in fact more the norm, if anything);

• the entire point of 24/7 (M/s, at least) is not about having an equal "partner";

• not all engaged in 24/7 are "lovers" or even friends, for that matter;

• equality between parties, though a popular folkway in society, is not a rule or prerequisite in making a legitimate D/s relationship.

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 7

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:51:37 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards. One thing I suggest you remember here is that there are many different strokes for different folks--the object is to find someone who is stroking the same way you are while avoiding other boats going in opposite directions.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 8

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:55:43 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

I'm brand new, and being here for less than 48 hours has really given my head a spin in regards to what I thought the BDSM Community was actually about....
Is the joke on me? Is this what the community really is? It's a little disconcerting, to say the least.

No, it's not what the "community" is about. It's what a few people in the community are about. 48 hours really isn't enough to draw a representative sample. Give it a couple of weeks, browse the forums, take your time. We've got all types here, and it's apparently just your misfortune to have met a few people right off the bat who fall pretty far outside your comfort zone. A good rule of thumb is, when someone contacts you who obviously is completely ignoring your profile, completely ignore their e-mail. Delete and move on, don't let them get inside your head. If they write again, block them.

Give it some time. I think you'll find a lot of people interested in the same things you are. Ironically, though, the type of person you seem to least want to meet happens to be one of the most aggressive types we have, so from your perspective it's not surprising they seem to be over-represented. The type of people you're looking for are much harder to find, because they're not the ones who are going to rush up and grab you by the front of your shirt and shout into your face. They're here, though, and definitely worth the wait. So welcome, and good luck.

_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 9

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 10:58:14 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Welcome to the boards Kitten:

My advice is to just hang loose and don't let your head spin too much. Yes, some people in fact use an authority transfer as a primary method of managing their interpersonal relationships (24/7). Yes, some people, needless to say, take that to extemes (TPE). For some of us, it is not about scratching a fantasy itch. And no, none of that needs to be unhealthy or dysfunctional. In fact, I think you'd find that for those who do it well, it is exactly the opposite of dysfunctional. I tried to be descriptive of my day to day reality in my profile. You might take a peek and see if that gives you any insights.

All that being said, you are currenlty in a different mode. For you, you are trying to achieve some sexual gratification by playing out some hot fantasy scenes. While some people want to whine and moan about that, I see ntohing unreal about a real human scratching a real itch. While Carol and I don't really do "scenes", I can certainly see the appeal. Hold onto the idea that the act of gratifying our sexual desires is a real and worthwhile endeavor that can and hopefully will have great rewards for you.

Be aware that it seems a lot of us lifestylers tend to post on these boards. Don't let your perceptions get skewed by the sampling bias here. I might be wrong since I dont' participate in "the scene" or "the lifestyle" really. But it's my general impression that there are a lot more folks like you than like me.

Take a deep breath. You are who you are. What you are discussing as your particular desires are far from uncommon. The only reality that matters for you is that which makes you happy.

I hope any of that helps.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 10

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:02:43 AM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

fact

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 11

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:05:19 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

If you can imagine it, it probably exists. The key is to A.) keep an open mind about what works for other people and B.) stay true to yourself and what works for you.

You don't have to agree with everyone and their thing, you do not have to participate in what they do, you don't have to respect people doing it. But there are some pretty cool people doing some pretty cool, intense and wacky stuff. (lots of flakes too but I just ignore them...) Lots of "one true wayers", lots of "know it alls", and like Panda said, those that get in your face first, and the loudest, are probably worth the least. (in my opinion anyway) Watch and learn. If you've got a brain you will glean the wheat from the chaff soon enough.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 12

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:07:47 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

quote:

Not so, says the first few messages to stream into my account. Despite a disclaimer saying I was not interested, messages about how these Doms were interested in controlling every single aspect of my life, down to what colour my toenails were and my performance at work came in.

New profile. That is some of what you get from the troll brigade that watches for new profiles and spams them with such. Delete, ignore, move on.

There's no one true way in this so don't let anyone tell you different. Find what works for you and who matches that and don't settle for less just to be in a relationship or dynamic. I'd also advise not to rush into anything. Take your time and get involved in local groups, go to demos, munches, classes and events and learn and explore to find what fits you best.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to variation30)

Post #: 13

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:08:06 AM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

also, don't listen to the people in this thread. there is a bdsm rulebook and a bdsm committee (with varies subcommittees on the state/provincial level) that regulates and defines what it is to be a practitioner of BDSM through competency tests covering correct physical techniques and correct philosophical motivations for praticing bdsm. while membership to such committes is secretive, you can find some of them on this board and they will tell you if you are doing something wrong.

I would suggest you read threads regarding what a real dominant, submissive, or slave is, on what is too wierd to be allowed, and whether or not switches are liars.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to variation30)

Post #: 14

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:13:14 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: variation30

I would suggest you read threads regarding what a real dominant, submissive, or slave is, on what is too wierd to be allowed, and whether or not switches are liars.

Well dammit all.....now I have to worry about being called a liar???? *goes in corner and sulks*

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to variation30)

Post #: 15

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:24:15 AM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

quote:

ORIGINAL: variation30

I would suggest you read threads regarding what a real dominant, submissive, or slave is, on what is too wierd to be allowed, and whether or not switches are liars.

Well dammit all.....now I have to worry about being called a liar???? *goes in corner and sulks*

the powers that be have already deemed that you are a liar and are exiled from the bdsm community.

sorry that you missed the official memo.

I hear they are currently hearing a case about whether or not slaves who are appalled that men send them 'bow down and suck me now bitch' messages are liars. I heard through the grapevine that it is looking like a unanimous decision.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 16

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:25:50 AM

aLittleKitten

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline

Thank you all for your valuable input! Sorry if I came accross as unacceptable or judgmental, I was a little freaked out by a couple individuals, and maybe that made me come across that way.

Clearly I need to sit tight and keep my eyes and ears open a little more, feel things out. I'm only 19, after all, and I don't need to be rushing into anything headlong. It's just difficult when you've had these types of desires for what seems like forever and never acting on them.

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 17

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:33:19 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

I think most of us got the frenzy in the beginning. Its normal. How you deal with it is what matters. You can let it overtake you and cloud your judgement or you can recognize it and keep control of it and get much better experiences as you explore.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 18

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:36:56 AM

BarnacleBill

Posts: 51
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline

Yea hang loose look around more and any questions come to mind...then ask them! It does take some time to get use to everything. Good luck and have fun!

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 19

RE: 24 / 7 : Fact and Fiction - 6/24/2009 11:37:14 AM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten

Thank you all for your valuable input! Sorry if I came accross as unacceptable or judgmental, I was a little freaked out by a couple individuals, and maybe that made me come across that way.

Oh, you didn't. You just sounded like someone who was a little puzzled and needed some clarification. I don't think anyone thought you were being judgmental.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aLittleKitten
Clearly I need to sit tight and keep my eyes and ears open a little more, feel things out. I'm only 19, after all, and I don't need to be rushing into anything headlong. It's just difficult when you've had these types of desires for what seems like forever and never acting on them.

We've all been there. Now, you've opened a door that'll lead you to another level of understanding and experience. Sounds like you're moving through that door with the right attitude and the right right frame of mind. Good luck, and enjoy your time here. You've got an active community in your area, and you'll meet a lot of those people here. Have fun, be smart, and listen to your gut. And you'll be fine.

< Message edited by ThatDamnedPanda -- 6/24/2009 11:38:07 AM >

_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

(in reply to aLittleKitten)

Post #: 20

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