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Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 12:04:26 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

In reading the thread 'sub drop' a word caught my eye from one of the posters. Naturally not wanting to derail the original post, I decided to start a thread.

The word that caught my eye was invested.

For some people they become invested quickly in a relationship, while others it takes time. In my case words said in the first 6 to 8 months are considered with a grain of salt.

This is not a thread on the plus or minus of becoming invested right away in a relationship. We all have an opinion.

What I like to know is those who do, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could?

For those who don't get invested right away, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could?

Has being or not being invested right away in a relationship been determental to you as a person?

Finally for those who do become invested in a relationship, how easy is it for you to walk away, when things become at a stand still, or your Dom. or s-type needs space to work out a life situation?

Do you find it difficult to be patient and give the person their space to grow, and/ or adapt to their 24/7 life situations?

If you are the type that chooses to wait, are you still investing in the relationship, even though there might not be one visable?

Do you work on your own growth and the 24/7 life situations that are occuring in your life?

Is waiting even an option for you?

Blessings,
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

Post #: 1

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 12:11:37 PM

LadyHexx

Posts: 48
Joined: 2/27/2009
Status: offline

Im glad it takes me a while to get really invested in a relationship, I wouldnt change it, because its saved me from alot of heartache. In fact, I would never change anything about myself. Im one million percent happy with everything about me.

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 2

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 12:20:43 PM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
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I have a strong dislike of most people I meet. when one strikes my fancy, though, it is because of merits that make an early investment a good idea.

these two traits balance one another out very well and I wouldn't change them at all.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 3

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 12:26:03 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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Wow, investment--one of My favorite topics, when it is too much, when is it too little--

I am going to agree with variation30--though I am open to initial meetings of people, most people I don't like--way too much drama--so I may invest a little energy, but when that starts to flow, I'm gone and done--blame it on My age maybe, blame it on learning from My mistakes--but when I meet someone who clicks, I invest--but its give and take and usually with a great deal of yellow caution tape.

_____________________________

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"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to variation30)

Post #: 4

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 12:26:52 PM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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I am pretty moderate in the whole investment in a relationship thing. I can get very invested quickly, usually there is a lot that is fueling that. Then again, some people just kind of hit me flat for a long time before I really come to appreciate their place in my life. Sometimes, these happen with the wrong people. Sometimes it happens just the way it should. Other times I am just wishing it would be different, usually because I really do want to be excited and happy about this new person in my life, but just can't.

Yes, it has functioned to my detriment. In my case, it was that I was picking out curtains from the first flutter. I haven't seen it go the other way, but could see it being equally as destructive, kind of a not knowing what you have until it's gone thing.

I have waited within a relationship before. As a matter of fact, I am doing so right now. There will be times like that. Anyone unable to wait on their partner in a relationship is in serious danger of never having something long term, if not lifelong. I cannot be the center of anyone's universe including my own. Sometimes there are more important things at hand. That being said, balance is necessary. No one should be on hold forever or with no end in sight. Sometimes, we are not in the right place in our lives to maintain certain relationships properly. That is when we would be wise not to enter such a relationship or let go in a way that allows for the best interest of the other.

Some are prone to overinvestment and let down. Some are slow to commit and lose precious opportunities. I try to be neither. No one is perfect though. We have to accept each other's humanity and consider others' needs ahead of our own on a regular basis.

lovingpet

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 5

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 1:30:21 PM

janiebelle

Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Then again, some people just kind of hit me flat for a long time before I really come to appreciate their place in my life. lovingpet

I can't say if I have ever had that experience. I tend to be like CdM and V30, I am affected greatly by my first impression, and know very quickly if I want to pursue interaction with a person.
Would I change that? Unlikely. Most people that I don't care for don't like me any better, so there's not a big chance anything is lost.
j

(in reply to lovingpet)

Post #: 6

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 1:45:10 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
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Great post oceanwinds....

For me...I fall much too quickly for someone and give myself away too fast and one reason I am much more the type of person who only is interested in play. Always have..even as a young woman. Investing in someone and then getting hurt due to whatever the circumstances has made me a bit cynical at 52 about truly 'loving' another and with old parents that I help and my own baggage it is a way for me to keep my distance and not get emotionally involved with someone. Of course, there is a downside to operating in that mode as well. When I was invested in a M/s relationship and then found out he had an addiction and now is on his own journey and while we have tried to remain friends about a month ago I finally decided I had to walk away because while he thinks we are on the same path and the intensity when we are together is there, because he is still finding himself, he can no longer Master someone at this time and I need more than what he can offer. Even with that said..it has been very difficult for me to pull away from him. He wanted my heart I gave it to him and I still wish he wanted it. I didn't want anything more than just a play partner when he and I met and he is the one that kept insisting for more. Of course, I didn't know about his addictions at the time. I am at point where I am now working on myself again.

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 7

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 1:51:48 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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Thank you LadyHexx for your reply. I prefer slow as well. It is good you like who are and dont want to change anything. One thing about life, I do not subscribe to I cant change something. If there is a desire I will do it. Had too do the phoenix dance too many times in life, and each time I enjoy reforming me out of my ashes:)

blessings
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LadyHexx)

Post #: 8

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 1:54:29 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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Variation and CatdeMedici
I am the same catagory too of not connecting with too many people, and when I do, I will extend myself more then normal. I still though watch their actions verses the words. This takes me time, since I have discovered many get lost in their words but do not back it up with action.

Thank you both for your replies.
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to variation30)

Post #: 9

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 2:00:46 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
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Thank you califsue

When I was so much younger, in my teens and 20's, I was all about playing and leaving. Now it just is not there for me anymore. I do understand about how you feel in your situation. My heart is still with my friend, who i call Sir, but this just is not the time for him nor me. I decided though this is the time to create a vision I have had all my life; a writer. As I create this for me, I still invest time with Sir, when he seeks. It is odd, I can submit this way without qualms. I feel that I am gaining so much both career and as a submissive. Hard to explain, but i am permitting myself to feel it and express it.

Thank you for sharing sue:)
oceanwinds.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 10

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 2:28:20 PM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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I'm one of the type that doesn't get involved emotionally, to any great degree, for a long, long time....with anyone.

No, I wouldn't change that at all. For someone like me, who can be rash and tends to live *in the moment* ...I've always been grateful that, for some reason, I'm not that way with either men, or friends.

I quite LIKE people ....but don't seem to have much desire to get to know them in a *one on one* thing......I prefer to get to know people at a distance and over a very long time. I don't feel at all comfortable if other people get attached to me or pursue me. I prefer to move toward someone at my own pace....and if I feel any pressure or see any expectations or hopes, I would take a step backwards. I'm not comfortable with being *needed* or leant on, unless it's people that I'm responsible for.

I would find it extremely difficult to walk away from anyone I was actually IN a relationship with and haven't ever been in that position. The people I've been with haven't found that having me around poses any difficulty thus far, any more than I have them.

The type of men I have had in my life, the type of person that I am and the type of relationships I have, means that it would be a highly unlikely scenario.

In terms of *waiting*..it'd depend what I'm waiting FOR.

agirl

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 11

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 2:38:17 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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The First Hello is an Investment to me. Albeit a Small one and one I am more than willing to walk away from however it is an Investment none the less and one I am often more than willing to see where it is going to progress too.

I see all relationships as an Investment. Many of which I receive a return on investment, some I don't.

The main point is that it is MY investment. When I put a LOT into someone and I do not receive a return it hurts, but I walk away knowing it was my investment to make.

For me however I am a Trillionaire when it comes to love and I have it to invest. I can lose big and walk away licking my wounds but meet someone on the way and be ready to invest again.

A Relationship in my opinion is the ONLY way to learn if two people will work. I would rather know for sure then over analize it and walk away without taking the chance.

Steel

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(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 2:48:28 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
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While I am willing to wait years to find a Domme I am willing to get to know as many bright and interesting people as possible. It is a process and while others may know more about themselves I do not. Nor do I think I will ever get to know myself completely.

It depends on the pace and tempo of the Domme. If it goes to quickly then I may feel uncomfortable. I am not interested in a 'quick fix' of putting my entire heart and soul into something that can 'poof' just as quick as I put into the relationship.

I feel that is poor emotional banking skills.

I will sow the seeds and grow them, a little garden of friends. How big they get depends on how well you tend.

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 13

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 2:48:48 PM

VampiresLair

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Joined: 9/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds
What I like to know is those who do, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could?

Not a bit. I get very invested in my relationships very quickly, and I wouldnt change that for the world. If it werent for my interest and investment in these relationships, then the other party wouldnt have gotten as attached either, and at least the last 2 probably wouldnt have happened.

quote:

Has being or not being invested right away in a relationship been determental to you as a person?

It has made it very hard to be apart when I was very invested in a long distance relationship.

quote:

Finally for those who do become invested in a relationship, how easy is it for you to walk away, when things become at a stand still, or your Dom. or s-type needs space to work out a life situation?

When the time came to do so, I did. I had to, forcing someone to stay mine when it isnt what they want seemed pointless. I am not going to get any sort of decent service from someone who doesnthave their heart in it anymore and who is being denied what he wants by being connected to me. If you love something, let it go after all.

quote:

Is waiting even an option for you?

If it is something that I am bieng asked to wait through, and has a foreseeable ending, then yes. If it is something that may never come to pass, or it is something where I believe still being with me might be detrimental then no. Sometimes in order to get yourself in check you need to disconnect all others and work on just you. Knowing you have a relationship waiting and hoping to get yourself back on track before that relationship suffers puts undo pressure on an already bad situation. I would rather they come back to me when they are done, and we see where we both are in our lives. Sometimes, through fixing the life situation, you realize that your match wasnt the best for either of you.

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(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 14

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 2:59:14 PM

curiousINct

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I'm one of the type that doesn't get involved emotionally, to any great degree, for a long, long time....with anyone.

No, I wouldn't change that at all. For someone like me, who can be rash and tends to live *in the moment* ...I've always been grateful that, for some reason, I'm not that way with either men, or friends.

I quite LIKE people ....but don't seem to have much desire to get to know them in a *one on one* thing......I prefer to get to know people at a distance and over a very long time. I don't feel at all comfortable if other people get attached to me or pursue me. I prefer to move toward someone at my own pace....and if I feel any pressure or see any expectations or hopes, I would take a step backwards.

<snip>

In terms of *waiting*..it'd depend what I'm waiting FOR.

agirl

This describes me better than I could have done, and I wouldn't change it at all. When I was younger I would become enchanted with people easier, be it just friends or romantically. That worked more to my detriment.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 3:01:22 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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If I don't get invested fairly early on, there is no point for me, because there is no "relationship", just a casual friendship. If a person is worth it, they are worth it, they will not become more so later on, and experience has told me that the monster will show himself at any time, but always when it is "too late".

Yes, I dearly wish for emotional distance.

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[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 16

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 3:10:14 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds

What I like to know is those who do, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could?
I don't even get used to my coffee pot before 6 months. I am not one who gets attached soon.

For those who don't get invested right away, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could?

No I would not change this, I have seen too many people jump from one to another and claiming they are "in love" each time.

Has being or not being invested right away in a relationship been determental to you as a person?

It has been detrimental to a degree. I have hurt a few people by walking away, assuming that they weren't invested in me, the same as I was not attached to them.

Finally for those who do become invested in a relationship, how easy is it for you to walk away, when things become at a stand still, or your Dom. or s-type needs space to work out a life situation?

I am one of those people that would cut my own wrists open to give you my blood if I loved you. Once invested nothing I have is held back. For me love is all or nothing. And when it is all, it is always. I don't stop even if I have to end the relationship to make their life easier. I don't stop if there is injury or disability. I don't stop if years pass, marriages happen, and life moves on. Love does not end in my heart even if it ends in theirs. But I am also saavy enough to know that love is abundant. It is possible to love more than one, though for me that will always be on a monogamous path.

Do you find it difficult to be patient and give the person their space to grow, and/ or adapt to their 24/7 life situations?

Its hell. But I would always choose to do what is best for them over my own needs.

If you are the type that chooses to wait, are you still investing in the relationship, even though there might not be one visable?

I don't exactly wait. I acknowlege when the time has passed me by. If I have not moved on to another relationship it is only because I think jumping from one to the next is silly. I can live on my own just fine. I don't need to find another to get on with life. Life and love happen on their own terms.

Do you work on your own growth and the 24/7 life situations that are occuring in your life?
To stop growing is to shrivel and die. Life is here and now and so am I.

Is waiting even an option for you?
Only because I believe in the theory if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be.

Blessings,
oceanwinds

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 17

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 3:11:05 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I think it is unwise to invest heavily in some person you barely know. I think it's smarter to wait and learn a lot more about them before throwing yourself into some heavy drama and scaring the other person off. Unless of course you actually don't want a relationship deep down, because scaring the other person off will prevent you having one.

But really, if you've never met, don't know if he likes puppies and if he's nice to waitresses, if you don't know anything about his morals, ethics, likes and dislikes - then you aren't invested in a real person but in the false persona you've created and hung on his neck.

And that's an unfair thing to do to someone else, to imagine them as some perfect being and then later on to revile him for being, gasp, human. I don't like people doing it to me and I won't do it to others. If I'm getting into a relationship, it will be two real people knowing each other as well as they can.

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 18

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 3:13:46 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

One thing that I would like to add is when I do meet someone that really interests me, I do invest a lot of time in getting to know them. Very few people ignite that degree of interest in me, so it just happens. Even with that though, I tend to stay on guard for the first 6 months or so, because I am well aware of the rose color affect that usually swallows a relationship in the beginning. It is after that period, where their actions speak loud and clear, and I have built trust because of their actions, then I am totally invested.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 19

RE: Re: investing in a relationship - 6/28/2009 3:19:02 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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That last post clarifies a lot, Oceanwinds. I totally agree with you, Celeste, until you have had realtime contact with a person and seen how they are with other humans, you have a Really Nice Idea, not a relationship!

When I hear "not invested", I interpret that to mean something like "well, when he/she shows me...." and that person is at arm's length until they have jumped through every hoop, and then some new ones for good measure. I am overly cautious about giving my heart away, but if someone interests me, I am going to work on being their friend.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 20

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