RE: Boring bdsm

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allthatjaz -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 9:49:49 AM)
Got to admit that certain aspects of this lifestyle bore me I get bored in a fet club when the music gets turned down for some boring rope performance. I get bored when some guy that I have just met at a munch with my partner tries to impress me with his Dominance. I get bored of the gossips on the scene that seem intent on spreading around other peoples shit and I get bored when I am playing with a sub that shows absolutely no reaction. For the most part I don't get bored though and I do accept that certain parts of any lifestyle, no matter what, at times will get boring.

RCdc -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:07:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: allthatjaz I get bored in a fet club when the music gets turned down for some boring rope performance. Hello Maria, hope Steve and yourself are well. I never get this - at all. I don't understand why silence is so insisted upon. I can totally understand that hecklers and intrusive behaviour is pretty much frowned upon and removed. But I have never understood the removal of good music and/or the 'stand and whisper' mentality. the.dark.

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:09:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx However it was not my position to get up and walk oit, or to tell my lecturer I was bored. It was a defferential position being a student. Same for being a submissive. Not my position. But I cannot say i haven't detached from the situation, reflected on it, 'gone shopping', been out to lunch, and also been bored out of my brains. I've also been spaced and in a delirium of pleasure so it's si and two threes I guess. But still not my position to complain... not having accepted no limits. Boredom comes nowhere near my deal breaker limits. I was going to post something snarky to this thread but this caught my eye. I am going to try one last time. Imagine if you had spoken up, had said something to this dominant to help him/guide him and that had allowed him to put you back on the path of delirium? You are waiting for your partners to fail for some deep seated reason and that is one fucked up pattern. Prinnie. I love ya, I do. And Michaels right. Lets take it from slaves postion. If you are lying to your partner. What is the point? If you don't communicate - then your partner fails you? No. You fail you. And you fail the relationship. As slave, what exactly is the position? You are stating that you can't speak? Did your partner(s) tell you that? Or are you not only setting them up to fail, but yourself as well? the.dark. Well I love you too the.dark... and no Michael is not right. he doesn't know me, has never met me, never even taken the time to mail me, seems intent on snarking me out and accusing me on patterns I simply don't have. In my experience, which is I believe, no better or worse than anyoneelse;s, there's just a great deal of it, (of bdsm/life in general) the moment I have spoken out (because I understand about the omission of truth amounting to paqssive lying0, the moment I have spoken out about a technique, a power exchange, a communication, any aspect of a relationship being not right for me, the dyanamic is fucked. In my experience, and hence in my opinion, dominants who can take it on the chin are rare. This goes for before, during and actuially in the friendship that i would assume is likely to follow the brekdown of a relationship. Npw i have had both vanilla and non-vanilla (oh where's the boundary?) relationships that have been short term and long term. I can, I do and I have sustained relationships. But in my eperience, dominants (and I have to say of the male variety because i have not had sustained relationships with dominants females) find it very difficult to take feedback especially from what is determined to be a slave. Now let's include my trans friends. This doesn't appear to be the case. Maybe there is something about having transitioned (I would tend to use the term transcended the gender divide), there is something about having transcended the gender divide which somehow, again in my eperience, tends for a more holistic communication. I don't set myself up for a fall. I don't set a realtionship up to fail. It's not in my heart to do so. But on each and every single occassion I have spoken up I can feel it being received as a body blow and then the defensiveness, and then the arrogance, and then rather than attempt a change..the dynamic is over. I opened this thread about boredom but boredom is the tip of the iceberg really. I've been thinking this more and more that I may 'retire' from relationships... not work relationships, professional relationships or family relationships. But one to one relationshipsbecause if staying silent is a prerequisite of enabling the dom to feel empowered then it just doesn't work for me. Gag me diuring a scene... but you cannot gag me forever. And if I give feedback then do something to sustain the dynamic. I'll mail Michael and see what happpens. Love Prin xx

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:15:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx However it was not my position to get up and walk oit, or to tell my lecturer I was bored. It was a defferential position being a student. Same for being a submissive. Not my position. But I cannot say i haven't detached from the situation, reflected on it, 'gone shopping', been out to lunch, and also been bored out of my brains. I've also been spaced and in a delirium of pleasure so it's si and two threes I guess. But still not my position to complain... not having accepted no limits. Boredom comes nowhere near my deal breaker limits. I was going to post something snarky to this thread but this caught my eye. I am going to try one last time. Imagine if you had spoken up, had said something to this dominant to help him/guide him and that had allowed him to put you back on the path of delirium? You are waiting for your partners to fail for some deep seated reason and that is one fucked up pattern. Have mailed you Michael. Just a simple request. Thanks Prin

ExSteelAgain -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:24:25 AM)
We forgive those who bore us, but can't forgive those whom we bore. So you say you are bored before you know he is bored with you. Fit?

RCdc -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:34:20 AM)
Well, it could simply be that the way you write leaves that impression? I avoided posting on this thread initally, because I kind of knew that you and I would not agree on this particular subject. There will always be things in BDSM that are boring. But when a relationship becomes boring and the acts within a relationship become boring, or when you are unable to communicate that something is boring, then that's a problem. I'm surprised that you have little experience with dominants who find feedback difficult. My experience is totally different. When I come across someone who deals badly with feedback, I don't form any kind of relationship with them other than to say hi and bye. They don't play a part in my life where it gets that far. I don't enjoy drama and I certainly do not thrive and grow on it or with it. I haven't had countless relationships, simply because I don't get that far when communication and feedback is poorly handled. My relationships have all been longer term. Master thrives on feedback. If I just lay here or hung there and took it - whatever 'it' happened to be - he would be bored! I am instructed to tell him everything. If I do not, then I would be disobeying him. And letting myself down in the process. the.dark.

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:53:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Master thrives on feedback. If I just lay here or hung there and took it - whatever 'it' happened to be - he would be bored! I am instructed to tell him everything. If I do not, then I would be disobeying him. And letting myself down in the process. the.dark. I understand this. Maybe it's an impression of who I am rather than who I actaully am that creates self defensiveness in others. It's not easy being me and I don't suppose it's easy being with me. What I mean by this is that I am generally fierce in the world. I'm a humble person so it's taken me a while to get how people around me generally perceive me as I do not gnerally objectify my power, use it in situations as situational power, and as honestly and as humbly use my communication skills and talents to uplift and help others. I've had an absolutely brilliant week professionally and have had feedback on this. That's all fine. But (more so recently) those I get into personal relationship with well there's a front starts to dvevelop, a role, and when I ask if I can give feedback, when I do give feedback because my partner has said to give feedback...the what ensures is defensiveness, a hurt, I'm sure a sense of failure, sometimes masked as anger, sometimes masked as shut down but mostly masked as withdrawal. I'll get there eventually I suppose... and what I mean by get there, is I will find myself in a relationship where this barrier of communication is broken through. Edited to add: the stock in-trade response seems to be angerhen not to even read mail. Never mind... onward.

SnareMage85 -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 11:07:31 AM)
What bores me is working 40 hours a week so I can afford everything... Jokes aside, if anything, a sub/slave that is completely obedient ALL the time.

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 11:41:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SnareMage85 What bores me is working 40 hours a week so I can afford everything... Jokes aside, if anything, a sub/slave that is completely obedient ALL the time. Welcome to the boards and the disobedient slave thread. [:D]

SimplyMichael -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 2:25:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark My experience is totally different. When I come across someone who deals badly with feedback, I don't form any kind of relationship with them other than to say hi and bye. They don't play a part in my life where it gets that far. I don't enjoy drama and I certainly do not thrive and grow on it or with it. I haven't had countless relationships, simply because I don't get that far when communication and feedback is poorly handled. My relationships have all been longer term. the.dark. Darcy and the Dark and I RARELY agree and have often had our little pissing matches, so either BOTH of us are full of shit OR we just might have a point. And I think they would agree, this isn't about any of us standing on some pillar preaching down to the lesser beings, I think I have exposed enough of my own mistakes, issues, crap, drama, and all the rest on CM that anyone who reads the boards often knows we are just as human as anyone else. Speaking only for myself, it has been a long, slow and painful path to learn to simply walk away from the types of dysfunction I HAVE learned to recognize. Certainly for me, a partner who I cannot talk with about hard issues because they get all defensive is someone who isn't for me.

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 2:33:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Certainly for me, a partner who I cannot talk with about hard issues because they get all defensive is someone who isn't for me. Well at least we agree exactly on this point. mail you sent me on fet was blank btw,

SimplyMichael -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 2:45:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Certainly for me, a partner who I cannot talk with about hard issues because they get all defensive is someone who isn't for me. Well at least we agree exactly on this point. How do you reconcile the above with what you wrote below? quote: But (more so recently) those I get into personal relationship with well there's a front starts to dvevelop, a role, and when I ask if I can give feedback, when I do give feedback because my partner has said to give feedback...the what ensures is defensiveness, a hurt, I'm sure a sense of failure, sometimes masked as anger, sometimes masked as shut down but mostly masked as withdrawal.

LaTigresse -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 2:52:55 PM)
I simply do not understand the whole concept of "boring". If something is, I change it. Even if I get stucking doing a menial task that would be otherwise boring, my brain doesn't allow it to be so. If people become boring to me, it's usually, but not always, a 50/50 problem. Either they are someone I should have walked away from, or I am not holding up my end of the relationship. Prin, perhaps your method of discussion is something to be examined. If someone came right out and said "LeeAnn, the last hour with you has been boring as hell!" (yes I am sure that is an exageration) then yeah, I probably would get my little feelings hurt and get defensive. BUT, if they worded things a bit differently, suggested that maybe it would be really great if we did xxx to tweak things or tried xxx instead, that would open up the lines of communication much more constructively.

RCdc -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 3:13:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx I understand this. Maybe it's an impression of who I am rather than who I actaully am that creates self defensiveness in others. My words, Prinnie are going to sound hard but honestly? From the things you write, I really don't believe you have every really let go to anyone. I don't know if it's defensiveness you end up getting, but more frustration that you - for the want of a better word - top a situation. quote: It's not easy being me and I don't suppose it's easy being with me. I truely don't believe that anyone finds 'being themselves' easy. Some might make it look that way, but we all struggle. Everyone has struggles. quote: What I mean by this is that I am generally fierce in the world. I'm a humble person so it's taken me a while to get how people around me generally perceive me as I do not gnerally objectify my power, use it in situations as situational power, and as honestly and as humbly use my communication skills and talents to uplift and help others. I get that fierceness, my love. But I don't (personally) see that what you see as humble, is that at all. What you see as being humble, I see as empathy. I believe that you have incredible empathy - absolutely - that's where the uplifting comes from. You are a buzz. You are a whirl. And you are one of lifes treasures that can take any situation that you stand outside of and sweep away all the debris and malaise and blood. You can dust a person down and give them a good old talking to. You can do their laundry, fix their plumbing and have dinner on the go until they can take care of themselves. But when it comes to yourself, you know deep inside that you need a 'you' - make sense? Someone who will do all those things you can do for others, but who does it for you. But you have to be willing and let go. Don't try to be the buzz all the time. the.dark.

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 3:50:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Certainly for me, a partner who I cannot talk with about hard issues because they get all defensive is someone who isn't for me. Well at least we agree exactly on this point. How do you reconcile the above with what you wrote below? quote: But (more so recently) those I get into personal relationship with well there's a front starts to dvevelop, a role, and when I ask if I can give feedback, when I do give feedback because my partner has said to give feedback...the what ensures is defensiveness, a hurt, I'm sure a sense of failure, sometimes masked as anger, sometimes masked as shut down but mostly masked as withdrawal. When I give feedback.. they get defensive, hurt, angry, non commuicative...whatever the tab it's a negative emotion. I don't see there's any reconciliation to be made between what I have said. It's in my nature to serve and do the very best i can in a relationship. This has often been at the expense of my health, and I have often given more than I have received. I believe many submissives do. Perhaps it's a fault that we don't know when and how to stop. Thus I feel is going past the pnt of the thread which was to discuss what to do about boredom, what creates it, wherein lays the responsibility for it and so on. It has moved to the issue of what happens when so-called assertive submissives feel the need and do indeed give feedback.

Prinsexx -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 4:03:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark I get that fierceness, my love. But I don't (personally) see that what you see as humble, is that at all. What you see as being humble, I see as empathy. I believe that you have incredible empathy - absolutely - that's where the uplifting comes from. You are a buzz. You are a whirl. And you are one of lifes treasures that can take any situation that you stand outside of and sweep away all the debris and malaise and blood. You can dust a person down and give them a good old talking to. You can do their laundry, fix their plumbing and have dinner on the go until they can take care of themselves. But when it comes to yourself, you know deep inside that you need a 'you' - make sense? Someone who will do all those things you can do for others, but who does it for you. But you have to be willing and let go. Don't try to be the buzz all the time. the.dark. You are a darling treasure. Not just because you say nice things about me but because what you say is true... BUT..almost impossible to let anyone do for me. I would go so far as to say I loathe it. It feels so wrong. Do TO me, do WITH me but not do for me. What cross the road for me? write my words for me? feel my feeligs for me? As for empathy.. yes I will probably know where a guy keeps his tea bags before i wialk into his apartment and pass him a pen to write down a message before the telephone rings. Whee was I/ Oh yes...boredom. To have that kind of empathy taken for hranted...it's more than boredom...it's resentment. To have that kind of empathy called second-guessing (which i have0 is entirely wrong. Ad second-guessing is a kind of topping which i'm not into. To have that kind of empathy glossed over, to have it unfelt..well lesson learned... should get out sooner rather than later. That leads to even shorter term relationships which is happening. Rather than getting more Long term they are flashing by.

playfulotter -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 5:03:29 PM)
Men who think BDSM is just all about rough sex and sticking their fingers inside of you roughly and they totally ignore the mental aspect of it all...but then again maybe they never had the mental aspect to give anyway..ha ha......but it has been a long time since I experienced that....Also, while I am being totally honest....I find the best Dominants love to give oral sex...those other ones who say they do really don't...whew, glad I got that off my chest!

SimplyMichael -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 9:16:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx It has moved to the issue of what happens when so-called assertive submissives feel the need and do indeed give feedback. BSB is certainly someone most would call "assertive" and I have rarely if ever gotten defensive, I am sure neither she nor I am alone in that.

MissAnimus -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 9:33:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: MissAnimus Cleaning up = boring nah you see cleaning-up to me is erotic... but it does depend on whom i'm cleaning up for It can be. For me it isn't. Anything erotic is usually the last thing on my mind. Instead I'm thinking "holy crap, look at this mess." Picking wax out of the carpet (oops) isn't fun. Laundry isn't fun. Recoiling the rope = not fun. Fixing my nails = not fun.

SnareMage85 -> RE: Boring bdsm (7/8/2009 10:19:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: SnareMage85 What bores me is working 40 hours a week so I can afford everything... Jokes aside, if anything, a sub/slave that is completely obedient ALL the time. Welcome to the boards and the disobedient slave thread. [:D] Thank you. Now I need a table. Any volunteers? [;)]

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