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What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 5:26:39 PM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Hello, I am hoping that some of you more experienced dommes might provide me with some insight.  I had been communicating with a new sub for several months.  We had a number of vanilla meetings, online chats, phone calls, emails, etc., to the point where we had some form of communication daily.  I thought that we had a lot of commonality, both in and out of d/s.  We made a plan to meet this past weekend, and spend the weekend together.  I went to his place (easier for a number of reasons), which was a 2-hour drive each way.  During the course of all of our conversations, things were progressing nicely, and I had given him some rules to follow on a regular basis, one of which was to email me every morning.  He had been doing this without fail.
 
So we met, and I thought we had a great time.  We played, it clicked, and the weekend was a lot of fun.  We did not "play" continuously - we also did some vanilla things, like watching the fireworks, etc.  Late Saturday night, he said he wasn't feeling well (stomach ache), so I toned down some things, and took it a bit easier on him the rest of the time.
 
I left yesterday afternoon feeling confident that our first "time" together had been a good beginning for a relationship.  When I asked him whether he felt the same, he said he did too.
 
So.............I have not heard from him since.  I know it was just yesterday, but we had agreed that we would talk yesterday evening when I got home.  In addition, I did not receive the morning email.  How do I figure out what went wrong where, or do I just chalk it up and move on?  Am I just being too impatient?  I just have this feeling that I will not hear from him again, and I don't know why.  I know this is probably too general of a question to really be able to answer, but I feel rather sucker-punched by his non-communication, and although I can ask my vanilla girlfriends for advice, there is the added element of the d/s which is something they don't relate to.
 
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  I hate feeling like I just wasted a whole lot of time, energy and emotion.
 
Thanks~ LD
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 5:53:53 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I can feel your pain, but My guess is he got for free what he would have had to pay a Pro for---I could be way off base---chalk it up, move on--but with tons of My hugs--men are shits sometimes.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 6:03:18 PM   
LadyLou


Posts: 110
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline 		 
Have you tried contacting him? You say that you were both meant to chat on Sunday evening when you got back? Had either of you arranged who was meant to contact who? Perhaps it's just a simple misunderstanding.


Either way, whatever the reason for lack of communication and following orders, call him and find out what is going on. Knowing what is going on, one way or another is, imo, far better than getting stressed over the uncertainty.

(in reply to TheLadyIsADomme)
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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 6:06:24 PM   
poeticfreak


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline 		you said he was feeling a bit ill? perhaps it was more serious than he let on. so give him a courtesy call just to see if he's ok, and if  he is then just write him off

_____________________________

I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher.- yeats

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 6:12:59 PM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline 		Hi LadyLou:
I did try calling last night, and got his voicemail.  I didn't leave a message, although he has my number programmed, so he would have seen that I called.  He did not return the call.
Is it possible that the whole weekend was too overwhelming and he is processing everything?  Trying to get a handle on his feelings?  I am not trying to make excuses for him, just trying to figure it out.
Thanks,
LD

(in reply to LadyLou)
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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 6:19:00 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme

Hi LadyLou:
I did try calling last night, and got his voicemail.  I didn't leave a message, although he has my number programmed, so he would have seen that I called.  He did not return the call.
Is it possible that the whole weekend was too overwhelming and he is processing everything?  Trying to get a handle on his feelings?  I am not trying to make excuses for him, just trying to figure it out.
Thanks,
LD


It's too soon. Give him some space. Don't panic and get clingy. Just keep a cool distance at least a few days (2 - 3) and let him come to you.  He could be overwhelmed, emotional, confused, conflicted. If you do not hear from him in a few days, then drop an email and ask what he's thinking (optional: since he was NOT feeling ok, you may want to drop him a line and just say you hope he is feeling better, but leave it at that).  Once you get past this time period, then you can go back and address the 'how' and 'why' he fumbled his post-weekend communication to you, what his reasons were, and how it can be fixed in the future if it's a rule that is important to you.  On one hand he may be a jerk, on the other hand, he may be confused or unsure and trying to figure something out. 

The only thing I would suggest is that being clingy, needy or pushy when a guy wants space - sub, dom, switch or otherwise - can push some men awayor overwhelm them. Once you DO find out what happened, THEN  you "lower the boom" on the rules and tell him it's unacceptable.  That's the way I'd handle it.

In addition, I'd evaluate the time apart and decide how much he is worth the work.  He may be a 'work in progress' if he can't deal with post-weekend emotions or his own mental place; he may be emotionally unready; he may have baggage. How much is it worth to you? Know yourself, know your limitations and requirements, give him some breathing room, then make your expectations clear and he can accept it or move on.  It has to click with both people.

Akasha


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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 6:19:17 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Ultimately, he's the only one who can answer your questions.  And... he might not even know the answers unless he starts talking about them, with you or with someone else.  I suggest that you leave a message that is upbeat.  Assume he is ill, not avoiding you.  Tell him you're concerned, and hope he's ok.  Is there anything he needs to get better.  Solicitous.  No guilt trip.  If he is not a jerk and a user, then you need facetime with him, probably a lot, to help him get through the shock of actually being dominated in real life for the first time.  You popped his psychological cherry after all.

Then, on the other hand,  one of my all-time favorite posters -- a femdom if it matters to you -- once said, "You can enjoy something, and still not want to do it again."



_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 8:06:20 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		To be fair, there is a chance that he was honestly sick.  My Spidey Sense is saying no in this case.  Rather I'm getting the Domme version of one of the favorite themes of females subs who ask why doesn't Master call anymore?  Usually typed up after said 'master' got what he wanted and immediately lost interest.

Call Me cynical, but I think you got played.

In two weeks to a month when he finally returns your call to say he was in a car accident (with no insurance photos) or had to have his appendix removed (but has no scar from surgery) and wants to see you again, please update us.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 8:26:41 PM   
TheLadyIsADomme


Posts: 89
Joined: 4/10/2009
From: Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

To be fair, there is a chance that he was honestly sick.  My Spidey Sense is saying no in this case.  Rather I'm getting the Domme version of one of the favorite themes of females subs who ask why doesn't Master call anymore?  Usually typed up after said 'master' got what he wanted and immediately lost interest.

Call Me cynical, but I think you got played.

In two weeks to a month when he finally returns your call to say he was in a car accident (with no insurance photos) or had to have his appendix removed (but has no scar from surgery) and wants to see you again, please update us.



LOL, LadyPact.  I hope I am not naive enough to fall for that.  And I hope I didn't get played.  I never got a sense from him that he was playing me, but maybe he is just better at it.
Thanks~
LD 

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 8:27:35 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You didn't "waste" your time, energy, and emotion.You invested them.  Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win, sometimes you win big.

Step back.  Give him time.  The idea that he can get his fantasies fulfilled on a regular basis probably blew his mind.  If he doesn't hear from you, he will realize that he's gotta do something or risk losing you.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 8:52:58 PM   
Joseff


Posts: 505
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline 		An ill stomach can often indicate emotional distress or discomfort. It is quite possible he was a little overwhelmed. Mostly good advice so far, mainly give it a little time. If the silence persists, or if it comes and goes, it might indicate there is a secret he is keeping from you, but don't jump to conclusions. If you don't hear from him in another 2-4 days, something is probably wrong and you can begin to deal with it then.



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This is gonna hurt...

Joseff

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 9:16:10 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Given the amount of meetings and communication you have had, and that he spoke of not feeling well on Saturday night instead of playing, I don't think he was simply trying to get a free session. I think he is either unwell, still processing the experience, or feeling unsure about compatibility.

In case of the former, it would be good to write a note to see how he is feeling. In case of the latter two, it would be good to give him space.

In the case of the latter two, he will likely feel some guilt for not having contacted you, which will make it harder for him to contact you since he will then have to explain the lack of contact. I have been at each end of this situation. When I have been at the end at which you are presently, writing a note that conveyed that a delayed response was still welcome provided room for that delayed response. This message does not have to be stated explicitly--simply writing a neutral note will convey this message.

quote:

I left yesterday afternoon feeling confident that our first "time" together had been a good beginning for a relationship.  When I asked him whether he felt the same, he said he did too.


I would give more weight to his behavior than to his words. If you said that you thought the time together was great and asked him if he felt the same, he might not have been able to speak candidly if he did feel differently.

To speak in general about what might be going through the mind of one who seems to be withdrawing, it is possible for one to feel the interest levels, or expectations for what the relationship can be are mismatched. It is possible that one might ignore what one considers signs of incompatibility for sake of forcing a relationship one wants, and eventually the lack of compatibility asserts itself. It is possible that after having a new experience with submission, one is feeling ambivalent about what one just did and needs time to process it. Which or whether any of these scenarios apply to the matter at hand, I am unsure.

I agree with the idea to give him time and space, and to simply write a note to ask how he is feeling. For sake of space, I would not make the note too upbeat but instead use a neutral tone. Specifically, I would not say anything like , "Hey, I had an excellent time and can't wait for us to get together again!"

Has he logged on since then? If he has not, and he does not respond to your note, it is still possible he is unwell. If he has logged on and responds to your email but does not address the lack of contact, you might wait a couple of more days and then ask him if he has had time to process his experience and how he feels about it.

Also, I think the answer to how one feels about an experience is not always black and white. Instead of asking him a question that has a yes or no answer (did you enjoy the weekend), you might extract more information if you allow a scale of answers. For example, you might ask where on a scale of 1-10 would he rank how much the weekend aligned with what he expected.

Best wishes.

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 7/6/2009 9:21:08 PM >

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 9:27:39 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
You didn't "waste" your time, energy, and emotion.You invested them.  Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win, sometimes you win big.


I agree with this part.

From my own experience, if one does not feel chemistry or compatibility with time, it is not a conscious choice but simply the way it is. I cannot help when I feel this way. I do not hold another at fault if they feel this way.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 10:02:28 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I've had similar situations happen to me a few times, both online and real time and I can understand the uncertainty and confusion you're feeling right now. This is more so if you are open and communicative in your dealings with people.

Like the others here I feel a friendly e-mail asking him how he is, asking if everything is alright and reminding him that you're thinking about him and are there for him would be a good move.

Although I cannot rule out him having second thoughts I don't think he's played you, and you never know that stomach upset might have developed into something a bit more serious and he might be genuinely ill and either not well enough to get in touch or feeling that him getting in touch whilst being sick is somehow inappropriate.

However I wouldn't see the time you spent together as a waste of time, there was a relationship and up until that weekend at least it was a successful relationship, even if it ended prematurely.

I'd give it more time and let the truth come out, giving him the benefit of the doubt. In the meantime I'm sure you can find things to occupy your time or friends to spend time with, and in starting this thread you now know you've got us here on the boards for additional support.

I do hope it works out for you and welcome to the boards.


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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 10:10:49 PM   
penitentialarts


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/2/2009
Status: offline 		There are all kinds of things that could be going on.  This is way too soon to start drawing conclusions.

- He may be sick.

- He may be feeling guilty, for some reason.

- He may be processing things.

- Something may have scared him.

- He may not have really enjoyed the experience as much as you did - it might have been awkward for him to say that while you were there, since you were staying with him.  That's why I usually don't do weekend stays when playing for the first time - if one person doesn't enjoy it, (s)he may feel trapped.  No matter how much you talk beforehand, and how many vanilla meetings you have, you simply don't know how both people are going to feel until they have actually played together.

- Your style of domination might not have been what he was looking for.  Maybe he found that he really wanted more S&M, or less of it.  Maybe he wanted sex, and didn't get any, or maybe he didn't enjoy the sex, or whatever.  Maybe the play set off some bad memories, or maybe it just wasn't as he envisioned it.

There's really no way to know the answer, unless he tells you.  Give him another day or two, and then try to call him back.  Leave a message if he doesn't pick up.  If he doesn't call back, then just move on. 

Some men don't have the emotional need to tie up loose ends if they didn't enjoy a date - they just assume that if one person doesn't call the other one back, then they will both realize that it didn't work out and will move on.  Some men actively avoid confrontations that have the potential to be highly emotionally charged, especially if they know they don't want to see the other person again - why go through all that, unless you are trying to salvage a relationship? 

That doesn't mean that they are uncaring or cruel - it just means that they are seeing things from the perspective of their own gender, as do most women.  Since men are usually expected to do all the "chasing" and "asking out" during their lives, they end up getting rejected a LOT.  That is as painful to them as it is to women.  Many want to avoid the additional pain of emotionally charged confrontations when they can avoid them.  That doesn't make them bad or "shits" (as another poster put it) - it just means that they are protecting themselves emotionally in a situation where they see no benefit in talking to the other person again.

- Jesse


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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 10:52:39 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		A lot of people are giving really good advice, and most of them seem to have a remarkably intuitive sense of where his head may be at, but I have to say I think most people are being too sympathetic toward the guy. I don't care if he's sick, i don't care if he's emotionally overwhelmed, I don't care if he got kidnapped by a flock of flying monkeys and whisked away to a castle at the top of a mountain. He could have called. You're a human being, with feelings, and the two of you shared something very special together. He said he'd call but he didn't; he was supposed to e-mail but he didn't; he didn't answer your call, or return it. OK, yeah, it's only been a day, but I think he's treating you like shit, and behaving in a selfish and inconsiderate manner. I just read your profile; you seem like a really nice person, and if he's the kind of man who recognizes that and values it, I think he should be showing you how much he appreciates it. It doesn't take that much effort to pick up a telephone.

If he means something to you, I hope it all works out in a way that makes both of you so happy that 6 months from now, neither of you even remember this little bump in the road.  But my suggestion is, if you do work this out over the next couple of days and move forward, to keep an eye on his follow-through for a while. If this sort of thing establishes itself as a pattern, be aware of it and make your decisions accordingly. Best of luck to you, and welcome to the boards. 

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Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 11:08:09 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

I don't care if he's sick, i don't care if he's emotionally overwhelmed, I don't care if he got kidnapped by a flock of flying monkeys and whisked away to a castle at the top of a mountain. He could have called. You're a human being, with feelings, and the two of you shared something very special together. He said he'd call but he didn't; he was supposed to e-mail but he didn't; he didn't answer your call, or return it. OK, yeah, it's only been a day, but I think he's treating you like shit, and behaving in a selfish and inconsiderate manner. I just read your profile; you seem like a really nice person, and if he's the kind of man who recognizes that and values it, I think he should be showing you how much he appreciates it. It doesn't take that much effort to pick up a telephone.
Everyone has given good possible perspectives, but I feel like Panda does.    After meeting and playing (not that I play really), I expect him to be fairly precise regarding calling/chatting when he says he will.   Hell, I expect it beforehand, but definitely after.
My feeling is that unless he was in a crash where he sustained brain damage, or lost all his fingers and ability to speak, he should have called, and said something.

I must say, that is usually where I drop off flakes...  When simple words and deeds do not match.    I'm not saying I've always been precise or wise in choosing, but I do recognize it fairly early nowadays, and tend to not have the patience to try too hard.      M

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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 11:09:13 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

I don't care if he got kidnapped by a flock of flying monkeys


HEY!!  I had NOTHING to do with it!!





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RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 11:16:37 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

I don't care if he got kidnapped by a flock of flying monkeys


HEY!!  I had NOTHING to do with it!!






And yet, here you are... just happening to wander into the very thread where this is all taking place....

Coincidence? Or something more sinister... ?


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What went wrong? - 7/6/2009 11:18:16 PM   
penitentialarts


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/2/2009
Status: offline 		>I think most people are being too sympathetic toward the guy

Would you say the same if it was a woman who had not contacted a man, or would you be urging him to be patient with her, talk to her, try to see things from her perspective, etc.?

Actually, we know nothing about him.  We're only getting one side of the story here.  There is a tendency to immediately blame men for relationship issues, and to consider communication issues to be the man's fault.  We really have no basis to say what is going on here, given the scant information we have been presented, and the really short time period at hand.

- Jesse

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 20
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