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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 9:51:03 AM

dannyjane

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hello

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 9:52:37 AM

ConsiderateDom

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hi, i've never been here before

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 9:52:38 AM

Sunnyfey

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dannyjane this is not a chatroom.....

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 10:20:18 AM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey

dannyjane this is not a chatroom.....

*scritch*

( I know, I know...I'm not helping the matter!)

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 11:21:44 AM

TurboJugend

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: TurboJugend

Why does it need to be kinky...because we are in a lifestyle?
Just enjoy what you do...or don't do it.....kinky or not kinky.

At OP

<<<just noticed I am kinky anyway :P

I noticed this was in reply to Me, but do you really not understand?

it says At OP :P
(understood your post though)

< Message edited by TurboJugend -- 7/23/2009 12:03:05 PM >

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 12:01:37 PM

DesFIP

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Neither of you ought to sacrifice what you need and want for each other.

But yes, I agree that you're insisting he start on a level he isn't comfortable with. Humiliation is not what well adjusted people normally do in everyday life. Do you go into the office and randomly humiliate all your coworkers? Hell no, because they would not consent to it.

Ask him to tie your wrists to the bedposts with a couple of scarves. Just that, and tell him that he sets the pace, but you want just this one thing - your hands tied. And then do it this way for a couple of weeks. If you really get a lot hotter bound, he will notice it and look forward to doing it again. Between times send him quick messages saying you can't stop thinking about it and how excited you are and would he please do it again real soon and maybe with your ankles tied also.

Then come out naked and drape yourself over his lap and ask him for a spanking. Don't direct play by saying harder, use this implement and not that. As long as he's avoiding the tailbone and spine, it should be fine. Afterwards spend a couple of weeks jumping his bones, wriggling against him, etc to make sure he really knows how much you liked it. And then ask if he could please do it again harder next time.

Give him six months to get over his feelings that he is being a selfish abuser by giving him positive feedback each time.

But going from totally vanilla to this highly scripted scene that includes humiliation is asking a lot from him. And he may well never enjoy humiliation, which is fine.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 12:52:35 PM

lally2

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i really feel for you - youve found a guy you really like and whats missing is sooo up there on the top of youre wish list it cant be ignored - in the end, after a while itll eat away and eat away and after the 'honeymoon' period is over that gnawing thing will still be there.

hard as it is to say it, if he isnt a D type you cant make him one.

but heres a thought..., if youre submissive what is it about him that makes you, the sub so drawn to him. im only asking cos all my life ive been drawn to and have attracted D types, even when it was vanilla it never really was. could there be some latent quality going on that just needs a bit of time and patience.

have you pointed him in the direction of websites and journals and places like this. it might be he's just a little confused about what it is youre talking about, if he hasnt accessed this part of him, maybe he needs to just read up on stuff a bit to give himself a foothold with it all.

you being the Dom is just going to make it all feel a bit 'unreal' for both of you. just a thought.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 1:46:58 PM

FawneTwo

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strangemelody:

I hate to be called a dirty girl but I am one.

hey how about if he slaps your face then immediately gently sweetly kisses you on your lips? just a suggestion.
smiles

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 2:13:37 PM

strangemelody

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No, I don’t want to have to force him, although I think he kinda enjoys a bit of force…maybe he won’t ever get into it, or maybe he will but it’ll just be to please me. I asked him if he thought I was trying to change him. His response: “noooo, narr change, only new, im a good master!” and he also said, “i've been thinking of how fun it will be to have you strapped down to the bed.” He’s actually talking about blindfolding me and using ice cubes and hot wax! So wow, that blew me away. Maybe he is getting into this stuff…at least I can only hope it’s for real. I do think he wants to do it more for “fun” than from any desire to actually dominate/hurt me, but we’ll see…

I don’t actually think my kinkiness is hard-wired into me, or his “vanilla-ness” is hard-wired into him. This sounds like the whole nurture vs. nature thing…but really, I don’t think sexuality is so set in stone. Maybe I will have to compromise some of my ways for him as well.

Yeah, maybe he’s just a “nice Dominant” who could never be a sadist. Not sure. He can give a damn good spanking, and I think there is some element of him enjoying controlling me…

He did *ask* for all the details of what turned me on. I wasn’t just doing it to be high-maintenance.

I don’t think I really scared him, he says he was in a tired/cranky mood when I last brought up kink. Usually he’s much more receptive. He does want to be what I want him to be…and I want to be what he wants me to be. It will prolly end up that we both act as switches, which would be fine with me. I’m willing to compromise, and to acknowledge I have a dominant side as well.

It’s true that I’m usually not attracted to nice guys. Usually there has to be some “bad boy” element there, but with him, I *loved* that he was such a sweetheart. I do still believe he has a dominant side, and I will keep trying to coax it out—not force, more like “seduce.” I think if he sees how happy it makes me to be submissive towards him, it will start to click, because I *know* he wants me to be happy more than anything else.

I’m also going to try to get him to read books and watch movies with me, but at the same time TRY not to make this such a huge deal. I know it doesn’t help either of us for me to put pressure on him.

Today we are supposed to go out and buy some restraints…crossing fingers that this is an enjoyable experience for us both! And thank you everyone for your input and advice, it’s all very much appreciated.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 3:35:27 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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Google "BDSM Checklist", find one you like (or create your own), print it, sit together going over every item, ask him to indicate what HE thinks HE might like to try (not like... just like to try, because he may be shy about certain things), and obviously show your enthusiasm for the things he picks. In short, get him off the bleachers and "in the game", so to speak.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 3:39:12 PM

strangemelody

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Thanks that's a good idea, I'll have to try that! ;)

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 6:07:18 PM

MeaganBlake

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Here is a checklist someone on this site made and sent me a link to. I don't think he'll mind if I share it.

http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 6:46:32 PM

dreamerdreaming

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody

Maybe you have a point that I'm being too stubborn to realize. He wants to change me too! I tried to enjoy "normal" sex for most of our relationship. And now that we're trying to do things "my way" we're both frustrated. I feel like he has it in him to be dominant, but maybe it's not my job to force it out? I just can't imagine breaking up with him over SEX. Blah it makes me feel so shallow. We're perfect for each other...in every other way. And maybe I am crazy or something to think that what I told him wasn't that kinky...but that was seriously the kind of sex I had on the regular in my last relationship. It really wasn't that hard core...light slapping and such...

In a relationship, you have a right to have your needs properly addressed both in and out of the bedroom.

You are simply seeking self- realization and fulfillment. Nothing wrong with that.
You're just barking up the wrong tree, that's all. This boy doesn't fit your needs.

Seek someone who already identifies as a dom, instead of pressuring this vanilla boy to change for you. Its not working. And its not fair to him, any more than it was fair to you when you tried to be vanilla for him.

He deserves someone who adores the real him, just as you deserve a relationship in which you can become more and more yourself, with each passing day.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 7:29:08 PM

slaveluci

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Well, you've certainly got a detailed script there. Maybe the problem is - instead of needing HIM - maybe he feels you just need SOMEONE to act out said script. That can be a huge turn off.............luci

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 8:04:40 PM

MeakaBitch

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Seems like you need to explore what it is your wanting out of everything outside of sex. you say that perhaps its up to you to bring out his Dominance....while you take on the submissive role in the bedroom yet Dominate other aspects outside of the bed.....not to mention you saying that your last relationship had a little more 'slap n tickle' then this new guy making Me wonder if perhaps you have some hang-ups over your ex, or your looking for something like what your ex brought out, but in that case why hook up with someone who completly vanilla?

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/23/2009 10:04:10 PM

Esinn

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dannyjane

hello

Hi, that was a really nice first post. I really like your teeth.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/25/2009 12:24:07 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody
*sigh* I just want to believe that people can be more flexible than that. That we are not just these unchangeable labels. He’s been so willing to change and learn lately, but sometimes like tonight he’ll be overly tired and try to analyze things to death…

Well, for the record, not everyone buys into this "born with the secret dom gene" thinking. I DO believe that people can be flexible. That being said, it takes TIME for people to be flexible and in order to not freak him out, you need to start at chapter ONE in the book, not chapter 30. My advice is ditch the humiliation and sadism in the beginning. Those are likely going to be really problematic areas. It'll be enough of a stretch just for him to get used to the idea that he can tell you to suck his cock and you will. Baby steps.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/25/2009 12:36:51 PM

kiwisub12

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Did you ever think that if you bring out his inner domness, it may entail you not enjoying sex - because that is what pleases him.
Seems to me you want him kinky to please you, not kinky because that is who he is.

Of course, he could take some acting classes and learn to make you happy - because that is what you want.
The chances of him and you having that scene and both of you really enjoying it would seem to be pretty slim, but you never know, maybe you can cultivate a specific kink in him.

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RE: It's not even that kinky! - 7/25/2009 3:33:44 PM

gobsmack

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangemelody
Anyhow he said that the following was like "way up there" when it came to kink, and that if we start at that level, we'll get so hardcore that everything will stop working and we'll run out of things...

If he says ya'll will run out of things, maybe he means he'll run out of ideas of things to do. You should go buy porn. Lots and lots of kinky porn.

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