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RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 8:51:33 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		Ha,

actually more related to topic, have you read trick of the mind by him? Fantastic description of the peg system to help your memory on there and some stuff about reading people :) see that was clever of me (derren brown is always relevant)

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'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 8:52:06 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		just googled Derren and watched a vid.. AMAZING!! :)

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 8:54:07 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I personally feel that if you really care about someone, you care about their physical and emotional well-being.  The more you care, the more you pay attention to their needs and desires.  If a dominant can't remember off-hand comments that his submissive says like, "oooohhh, I love this restaurant" or notice the wrinkled nose and frown when Thai cuisine is suggested, then it would seem to me that he doesn't care enough about what his submissive's preferences are.  If a dominant can't be bothered to note what makes his submissive squeal with delight or groan in dismay, then I don't consider him suitable for a caring relationship.  If a dominant says he's interested in his submissive being pleased... at least occasionally... how hard is it to observe, remember, or even ask?

I do recognize that there can be great differences in how men and women think, though.  And of course, it greatly depends upon what kind of relationship you are looking for. 

Like everything else, communication is key.


KY, I AM that dominant but it only works for certain women and even then there is an art to it.  Sometimes just teasing or reminding someone that they hate Thai food but you do so tonight is Thai does the trick, they know you care but are getting your way.  Then sometimes on your way to that Thai dinner where you talk about how much you enjoy the things she hates, you pull into her favorite place where you already have reservations for your favorite table and there is a bouquet of red tulips for her waiting on the table to make all the other women jealous as well as one long thorny rose stem that you use to verbally torment her over dinner about the twisted things you are doing to do with it later can just do the trick.

I think that magic and chemistry are both organic between the right people as well as made.  BSB and I had a strong connection, I played with her the first time we talked and the first time I met her, it was hot but it wasn't the magic that we had later.  What made it magic was the work we did to learn how to turn that initial chemistry into relationship magic.  I knew the KINDS of things to do to make her feel dominated but trust me, I had to learn her.  Same with her, she was bad about communication and making me feel connected, she had to learn, I had to teach her, we fought, we got pissy with each other, but we saw the potential and truly created our own magic.  It was hard work but we created a relationship that was beautiful and magical for both of us.  It was the  magic we created that has allowed us, despite mistakes, to remain friends, and to me, that IS magic.

Now, we both have a similar problem to the OP, we want that magic in our next relationship but we have to be careful to not compare it to what we had.  No matter how great that next relationship COULD be, it will suck in comparison at first.  I will be awkward as will she, I won't do things "right" and neither will she.  But like Princexx, neither BSB nor I will settle for less than we deserve because only with the right ingredients can magic be made, but made it is.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 7/23/2009 8:58:49 AM >

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 8:57:57 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

just googled Derren and watched a vid.. AMAZING!! :)


One last sidetrack...

A free 10 points to anyone who watches a Derren Brown video because of this thread.


< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 7/23/2009 8:58:09 AM >

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"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:05:02 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

just googled Derren and watched a vid.. AMAZING!! :)


One last sidetrack...

A free 10 points to anyone who watches a Derren Brown video because of this thread.



What about those of us who have seen one already?
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:09:23 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The op seems to think that enjoying getting a woman to orgasm is not compatible with dominance. I disagree. There are a lot of dominants who get off on the energy exchanged between the two, and if he prefers forced orgasms to refusing them, then it is still his choice, his decision.

Just because he likes seeing a woman come to pieces in his arms doesn't mean he isn't in charge. And that he wouldn't be a perfectly wonderful dom for someone more compatible. Asking questions to see what you like, remembering what works on this sub as opposed to that one, and incorporating it is in my book a good thing.

Perhaps the op needs to figure out what spells dominance for her, as opposed to someone else. If she prefers orgasm denial and pain and not bondage and forced orgasm, then instead of saying this guy isn't dominant she needs to find out these things first and talk about them to discover if there's sufficient compatibility first.

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:11:22 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

just googled Derren and watched a vid.. AMAZING!! :)


One last sidetrack...

A free 10 points to anyone who watches a Derren Brown video because of this thread.



What about those of us who have seen one already?
 
the.dark.

We get 100 bonus points. I hope.


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Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
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(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:12:45 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		do I get more points if I've bookmarked his website?

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:13:00 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		Nope DesFIP that isnt what I meant at all. I actually do not like pain or orgasm denial, I just don't like to inadvertently orchestrate every future sexual encounter.

Lets be specific if I need to be, I told him I like being called sexual slang, so he basically created a script every time we did it he would say the same things, and to be honest it got frustrating.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:14:27 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

do I get more points if I've bookmarked his website?



Only if you think he is lush too!

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:15:05 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		um

er

exactly what do I get to do with these "points?"

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:15:23 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The op seems to think that enjoying getting a woman to orgasm is not compatible with dominance. I disagree. There are a lot of dominants who get off on the energy exchanged between the two, and if he prefers forced orgasms to refusing them, then it is still his choice, his decision.

Just because he likes seeing a woman come to pieces in his arms doesn't mean he isn't in charge. And that he wouldn't be a perfectly wonderful dom for someone more compatible. Asking questions to see what you like, remembering what works on this sub as opposed to that one, and incorporating it is in my book a good thing.

Perhaps the op needs to figure out what spells dominance for her, as opposed to someone else. If she prefers orgasm denial and pain and not bondage and forced orgasm, then instead of saying this guy isn't dominant she needs to find out these things first and talk about them to discover if there's sufficient compatibility first.

I agree with this point. I know I say I am submissive. But I am only a submissive when I am relating to a dominant. The degree of submission I feel and the degree of dominance I feel is a function of the relationship.
Who I experience as a block head might be someone elses's Einstein.


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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:17:13 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

do I get more points if I've bookmarked his website?

Yes but only if you did it of your own free will...you never know with that geezer.


_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:26:44 AM   
rideemwet


Posts: 93
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

Like everything else, communication is key.


Definitely, but thats a blanket statement that covers a LOT of territory.
I think we could start a whole new thread on what the balance is between verbal and non-verbal communication. Communication obviously requires both a sender and a listener, but also requires some scheduling/coordination, as most people have some variation between communicative and non-communicative moods. Sometimes a non-communicative mood can be an indication of needing some time to yourself, and sometimes it can indicate you need to be forced out of your shell.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:27:04 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		yes, LIlly.. lush works ;)

and as far as I know it was my own free will, Prinny!


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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:30:56 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Many commentaries I've seen by subs echo your sentiments here. It's actually an interesting dynamic I've had to get to understand because I have a big caretaking streak wrapped up into my style of dominance (and in other topics). So, it can be a daunting task for a Dom to find the careful balance between showing enough focus on his sub while still relating the idea that he is leading the situation to an end of his desire.


Understood, and it can be very daunting.  From the submissive side, I will say it's a catch 22, too.  Being asked what you want and then given it can sometimes ruin it.  I can't really explain why... *shrugs*.  I've contemplated it a lot and have some theories, but it's just so complicated and involves so many different emotions.

You've hit on the key, though... being able to display that you are in charge and are fulfilling your desires.  Having someone do something for you that you believe they dislike or are less than enthusiastic about is hard enough.  For a submissive who takes great emotional satisfaction in the dominant doing what he desires and is pleased with... well, even a hint that he's doing something he doesn't really want to do and isn't enjoying kinda takes that emotional pleasure away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

*sigh*

My memory sucks sometimes. Seriously. I barely remember the ages of my sisters and parents. It can be pretty bad. Maybe if I had a sub who constantly kept me reminded of such things...


Hey... I sometimes can't remember how old I am. 

Thing is, what would think of a sub who could never remember what you liked?  Who never recalled things you said to her?  Who served you lima beans every single week... despite your having told her time and again that you absolutely despise them?

While it's not absolute... we all forget stuff we really want to remember, and remember stupid stuff we've no interest in... there is a tendency for us to recall things that interest us and impact our lives, while dismissing information that we don't find relevant or interesting.  When a guy can remember what Willie Mays batting average was and who won the 1973 Indy 500, but can't seem to recall that his girl loves Italian food...well... human tendency is to believe that he doesn't have as much interest in his girl as he does his sports.  It may not be true or fair, but it is founded in human nature.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:34:03 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

A recent relationship and a couple of posts have got me thinking about this. I was with a guy who I met through a munch. He was sweet and all that but there was a problem, namely the d/s was very much bedroom based. I mentioned a few things that I have enjoyed in the past and he jumped on them, using them every single time we had 'sexy' time. It made me realise that the actions did very little for me. He was doing it purely to get me off which therefore didnt.

Much as it was sweet that he wanted to make me happy I now feel more like there was a fairly simple thing missing, dominance.

I remember there used to be a girl on here who said that her master could cause agony with a feather when punishing her, I kinda get that now. To what extent do you think that it is intent rather than action that creates power exchange?


Lilly, to get your thread back on track, I looked at your profile and you are quite young.  I am going to guess that the guy is either young so he is inexperienced, or he is older and so happy to have a young hot thing that he is being timid as hell.

There are some here who think I am not bad as a dominant but I would have been MORE clueless at that age than your guy.  Think about this for a second, does showing a lover what feels good make sex later "less"? if he really takes it to heart?  I get that you don't want an atomoton of a dominant who does whatever you say but step back and look at it from his perspective.  Forcing a woman, pushing a woman to do things is ingrained in our heads as something assholes do.  It took me a long time to work past that and even now, I have been with women where I bump up against that programing.  Perhaps WITH him, create some small limited scenes where you clearly and openly give him license to push and force you a bit.  Prove to him you WANT and NEED that and then see what happens.  Tell him you want him to use works you haven't told him.  Now this is IMPORTANT, he is going to be watching your reactions, if he calls you a stupid bitch and that doesn't work for you, don't get pissed, just tell him that takes you to a bad place but when he called you a cumslut that that was hot.  Otherwise you just killed off his sense of freedom to explore things and that is NOT what you want to do.

I would also pick up a used copy of either Screw the Roses or even better but less hot is Midori's book The Wild Side of Sex and read it together along with The Five Love Languages.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:43:12 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

but I know a plethora of people who are incredibly observant and all other things being equal, they make pretty good partners which ever side of the leash they are on or even if there is no leash.

I guess it should be said that my use of the word "telepathy" is one used without any belief in the metaphysical ability. What I was alluding to is the ability to (by normal means) give the impression of some sort of telepathy (accidentally or not). And...that exactly makes your point about the people naturally good at doing it being good partners. I suppose it is essentially a skill set, just like any other. It just happens to be a skill set that induces moments of emotional euphoria, which can further attract a partner to you.


I am as close to telepathic as I believe it gets. This is so for one main reason. I ama twin.
Language, which I not only know, but have experienced as being innate, is the key.
Sis and I 'spoke' way before the age that anyone could even say we had language. I remember being in our double ended pram and having complex conversations about the world. I remember we had a complete world which we created within our echolalia such that when we were  years old we had to learn to 'talk' like everyone else.
I bruised when she was hurt. I felt the pain of her childbirth and so on.
I will always search for that same kind of empathy with a partner.
It makes for what I call excellent intuitive service. I can pass a person a pencil minutes before they need it. Know when they are hungry. Know when they are tired.
I have been fortunate in experiencing extremely close mental connections with partners. Dominance without physical control. In a look. From a movement. In a gesture.
Maintaining strong boundaries when being innately like this is very difficult.


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Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:50:01 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		<dum de dum Hes in his forties and we broke up anyways but ta

(not really a fan of screw the roses tbh)

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Its all in the mind - 7/23/2009 9:58:23 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally

<dum de dum Hes in his forties and we broke up anyways but ta


Pffft...40?.... talk about a lush...
*runs away very fast before I am Lillied*
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)
Profile   Post #: 60
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