RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect

RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

Hardbutt -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 9:36:01 AM)
OP, you cannot expect her to enjoy as much as you unless you make it worth her while. But keep in mind chastity is a way of passive negative reinforcement, you have asked for her participation by punishing your desires with denial, a form of lack of involvement. Denial is not the same as tease. For it to work for you, you have to adapt the mind set that denial is what you want from her when she is not actually engaged in any sexual way. You are reminded of your sexual status with her without her putting forth any energy to remind you. If you want to her to tease/acknowledge you more, you have to build in her the desire to play with you. You both are fairly vanillla by nature, if you are changing native emotions to fit a learned logic (your fetish) it is going to take some work. To take it above fetish, you must love the keyholder, not the chastity. I understand your feelings, have always been interested in chastity for both males and females. Over the past ten years I have experimented quite a bit. Much of my time spent in chastity has been during times with distance between my keyholder and me. I have been in several relationships in which I have surrendered my keys as a sign of loyalty. Because of the distance it was easy to not expect any teasing or interaction! For the most part, everytime I thought about the fact I was locked up it was very pleasant because my thoughts were on my partner and I felt like I was serving her even better when she did not know I was thinking about her. Each erection let me feel her metal hand gripping me tight, showing me I belong to her despite the days apart. It is a feeling I find very comforting, that she wants me so badly that she will lock me up when I am away! In my experience, it is harder to accept chastity when you are living together because you are very aware you are sacrificing but the other is not acknowledging you with even a look, comment, or sexy attire. It will work when you accept that her passive negative involvement is really a secret effort to ignore your situation. If she does pay attention to your status, then she is now an active participant and you have to adjust your behavior and expectations immediately. If you intentionally tripped her from ignoring the lock to directly participating, you having just started serving you. Don't pressure her at all when you are horny and she is indifferent, you must accept and serve... it is a reminder to you that you are getting what you really want, chastity for both good and bad. However, I find wearing something she thinks is sexy over it is not a bad idea as long as you don't try to force her to comment about it... be passive in return. When she is ready to pay attention to you, she will let you know. Your duty when she decides to takes it off is to be the best lover she has ever had, so you had better be ready to prove that you are worth the effort. That is the active positive incentive for both of you. Perhaps you should set a personal goal for yourself that she is to have X times as many orgasms as you during the year and take pride in delivering. This can be a powerful reward for her, after all she is NOT the one in chastity. When she is ready for affection, it should take very little extra effort on her part, compared to her having a regular vanilla love relationship. Make it as easy and fun for her as possible! This is your chance for active positive displays. Pay her back for doing this with you, show her you appreciate what she is doing. You only have a few hours out of the week in which she will want her reward, don't let her down. Be proud that your silent suffering is a true measure of your ability to walk the walk in the lifestyle. But don't be afraid to negotiate for what you want as long as you will always live up to your end of the deal. If both partners are not really enjoying the program, it will get neglected. Ultimately, if the fun or the relationship itself is not true to you and your partner's deep nature, it probably won't grow healthy over time. That may mean you have to be very dominant when she lets you out and then help her lock you up again afterwards. Give her what she wants, be sure to ask.

LadyPact -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 10:12:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: "Within a BDSM context, a Service Top is a partner who is the active participant, applying the activities or techniques of BDSM "play" upon (a) bottom partner(s), but who does not exercise control or dominance over the situation. The application of such activities may be requested, or even directed, by the bottom partners(s) who have de facto dominance of the context." -http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Service_top Well, I learned something new today. However, I think the use of the word "service" in this context is confusing and redundant. The definition of "service top" above is no different from that of "top", as far as I know. To add to what Aakasha was saying, the difference can also be who is actually controlling the scene. In a top/bottom scenario, it is play within agreed limits, but the bottom isn't directing the play in any way. The top is still the person choosing how the scene is going to be conducted, what implements they will use (or not), and how far the scene will go. In service topping, it may be the complete opposite. The bottom is having their needs serviced by the top, who may not even really enjoy the activity. The best example of situations like this is where there might be a submissive who is serving the Dominant's masochistic needs by topping them. The submissive isn't in control and is basically providing topping as a service to please the Dominant.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 11:29:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued quote: LillyoftheVally wrote: Thing is, and I have said this a few times, if you want to submit then you have to submit to the will of another. That can mean that if they do not want to then they can fuck off for months without talking to you, of course you have to decide if you can cope with that or not. This may look great on paper, but it doesn't work worth beans in actual relationships. A more realistic question to your close is "as a dominant, do you value your partner"? Because, most certainly, if you ignore your partner for days and months on end, it's not likely you'll hold onto them. I agree you are not likely to hold on to them for months on end which is why i put down 'whether you can cope or not'. I have managed to maintain wonderful relationships with people who have had days when they simply want nothing to do with me, it can be hard to deal with. However in this context, IE chastity I think that the OP meant his cock was ignored and to be honest is not the same as being totally ignored. He is basically saying he want chastity done his way. Also despite earlier comments men do not HAVE to ejaculate as much as many love to make a big deal about it. quote: quote: LillyoftheVally wrote: One would hope that the responsibility of the dominant is two things, to be happy and ensure the submissives safety, the submissives responsibility is to enjoy ensuring the dominants happiness. This is another example of "looks great on paper", but no so much so in real life. In successful relationships, it has been my experience that all partners are invested and actively engaged in each other's happiness. Yup and as a submissive I get MY happiness from submission. This is one of the hardest things to explain I think many don't get it, I feel uncomfortable and sometimes terrible when someone tries to 'make me happy' in what is considered the 'traditional' way. If I didn't fucking love submitting then I sure as hell wouldn't do it. That is my experience, take all the paper you like.

MistressTaboo -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 6:24:20 PM)
Ok I'm going to skip the top/bottom discussion and go with the Chastity question. I've been doing chastity play with my husband and the fiance before him for over 10yrs. I now have my husband and another sub doing chastity play. I have spent years researching and talking to experts and I have spoken to probably a hundred chastity subs and their wives/mistresses about it. And they will all tell you the same thing. A cock locked and forgotten will actually cause almost a physical depression in the sub. If you lock it up and you forget it they get emotionally and sometimes physically ill. I have watched this several times with my own boys before I figured it out. That being said...it does not mean you have to take them out and do teasing and denial every night. Uggg excuse me this was about ME not your cock...BUT there has to be some kind of power exchange something to keep their mind in the right place about why they are locked up. It can be emails. It can be scenes. I love to kiss my husband till he's in pain from the chastity device and then wander off, he knows that special wiggle in my hips as I leave him is because I've locked him up. I can spend 3 weeks never touching his cock. But still playing him. The Connection be it BDSM or vanilla is what's important. I suggest you two sit down and make a list of things that don't involve T&D or edging or anything that involves your cock that will still keep you in the head space...going down on her? Foot massage? Body massage? She can even pretend that you have a choice in it all...a chaste male is a good one to play mind games with. One of us is going to come tonight...which one is it? A regular male will be ME....a chastity boy will be You of course mistress. I'm going to roll a number on this dice...if it's even I'll unlock you and let you come...if it's odds you don't come. Then you roll the dice where they can't see it and tell them it's whatever you want...of course it's odd! Monday I'll take you out and we'll let you come...Monday rolls around and you forgot the key at work...how about Wednesday? Wednesday you left it in the car...which of course is at the mechanics...hope he doesn't find your key and wonder what it is. They really have a different mindset....it's not the normal male submissive...but you do have to play it to make it work. It doesn't always have to be T&D.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 6:28:22 PM)
I just dont get it how can men be so controlled by their cocks. To me it sounds completely sexist to suggest it. If we were to do the same for women, either way to say that all women could go without sex or that none could well that would be sexist but here we all seem to be completely fine with saying that if a man isn't cumming then he will become depressed or ill or whatever. That is a gross generalisation and surely giving them very little credit.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 6:32:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally I just dont get it how can (most) men be so controlled by their cocks. To me it sounds completely sexist to suggest it. If we were to do the same for women, either way to say that all women could go without sex or that none could well that would be sexist but here we all seem to be completely fine with saying that if a man isn't cumming then he will become depressed or ill or whatever. That is a gross generalisation and surely giving them very little credit. (Not all)

MistressTaboo -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 6:44:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie quote: ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally I just dont get it how can (most) men be so controlled by their cocks. To me it sounds completely sexist to suggest it. If we were to do the same for women, either way to say that all women could go without sex or that none could well that would be sexist but here we all seem to be completely fine with saying that if a man isn't cumming then he will become depressed or ill or whatever. That is a gross generalisation and surely giving them very little credit. I didn't say they get depressed from not coming...they get depressed from lack of attention while chaste. You just can't set it and forget it with chastity play. My husband has gone a month with neither of us touching his cock...but he and most chaste males require active participation. A chaste male requires attention...maintenance if you will.

Hardbutt -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 7:31:30 PM)
Thank you, MistressTaboo, for sharing your experience with us!

cloudboy -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 7:47:34 PM)
Sounds like she's speaking from experience.

ignoreme -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 7:58:51 PM)
quote: I just dont get it how can men be so controlled by their cocks. To me it sounds completely sexist to suggest it. If we were to do the same for women, either way to say that all women Well, it might be sexist to say it but it doesn't change the truth: for most men sex (and thus, orgasms) are really important, not getting them makes a lot of them suffer because they become more and more sexually frustrated. I don't think it's neccesarily the same for women, although there are of course exceptions in both sexes.

CdnExplorer -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/6/2009 9:11:10 PM)
I did "chastity" play with someone online once, no device. The first time I ever engaged in that I had no idea what to expect and we took it a bit too far. I fell into a depression bad enough that I had no energy or desire to do anything. I basically came home from work and collapsed on my futon. You could almost describe it as a very deep loneliness, or a sense of abandonment. When my "Domme" realized what was happening she told me to have an orgasm, but actually achieving it was difficult. It really screwed with my ability to get aroused for a long time. Contrast that with later experiences over longer periods that had no such result. The difference was the emotional interaction, flirting etc. Expressions of control etc. Being chaste is emotionally difficult after a while, and something as simple as a hug goes a long way. I'm going to hazard a guess that she isn't really interested in chastity. She doesn't get off on the control so she doesn't express that, or she thinks his interest is purely in the sexual denial. Straight out denial is a valid form of chastity play with a very solitary focus. Another style of chastity play is based on the interactions, and is equally valid. So either they have a mismatch on the form of their kinks, or her lack of interest in this form of play is bleeding the colour from it. Either way they need to talk to each other about it and either find a way to do it that makes both of them happy, or remove chastity as a staple of their D/s play and replace it with something else.

MaamJay -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 12:14:18 AM)
Ye gods, 4 pages, lots of helpful advice, but no one yet has mentioned HER sexual desires! It could be that she is going along with chastity play because he said he wants it ... and basically putting her own sexual desires on the back burner too! It may well be that she is ignoring it because SHE doesn't want to get all hot and bothered for no result if he is indulging his passion to be locked up! She'd be made to feel guilty for breaking his chastity if she demanded he get it out and do something useful with it. Yes, she could have him go down on her etc but that's not necessarily the same sort of satisfaction as a damned good fucking. She's sort of damned if she does (tease and denial could mess with her head negatively even if it messes with his positively), and damned if she doesn't (oh dear me i'm feeling all neglected, this isn't the sort of chastity i had in mind). This all underscores why I want CONTROL over when they orgasm but I am so not interested in going down the lock up route, I like a boy with sufficient self-discipline to keep his grubby hands off it until I give permission. And as I happen to like sex very much and want it a lot, I want a boy who realises it's wise not to go for unauthorised orgasms or he'll not have enough to give Me when I want it. Then he'll be in double trouble! I also think she asked a damned fine question when she said "If this is what I want as the Dominant, why shouldn't I ignore you?" ... the lady is learning! Now in truth, if that pattern repeated itself every time he was put in chastity then yes, it would become damaging to the relationship and yes, they do need to talk about it at some neutral time. They need to find a win-win compromise. But for an occasional lesson in just who is the Dominant in the relationship ... I'd support her approach! By the sound of it, the only real Dominant in the marriage is his cock ... which isn't a very happy state of affairs. OP, as someone else suggested, you need to also think long and hard (pun entirely intended) about what submission actually is, and whether you want to be as ruled by your cock as a smoker is by cigarettes. Or can you be a big enough man to put aside at least occasionally your wants and needs in favour of your partner's, trusting that she will reciprocate at some stage, but not necessarily in the exact way you want right now. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 4:29:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressTaboo You just can't set it and forget it with chastity play. My husband has gone a month with neither of us touching his cock...but he and most chaste males require active participation. A chaste male requires attention...maintenance if you will. It seems like an awful lot of hard work to me. I can't imagine any of my dominants would have been too happy if I had said yeah you can do that to me but only if you do this after. Sure there are things I would have preferred and I often have done things I do not enjoy but I always see that as being kind of the point. If it is true that for a man to be happy in chastity then the dominant needs to do x,y and z then seems to me the submissive is dictating the activity

hardbodysub -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 4:54:28 AM)
quote: It seems like an awful lot of hard work to me. It's only as hard as the domina wants to make it. All this talk about how much work it is, and almost nothing about the fact that it's her decision. Yes, there are some limits for each person that have to be considered; there's a point beyond which a sub can't be pushed (or ignored) without causing serious problems. However, there is a very wide range of active and passive domination that can be employed in regard to femdom/malesub chastity, and the woman gets to choose how active she will be. If the sub gets too whiny and needy, that's a learning opportunity. Back to the basics of reward for good behavior, punishment or lack of reward for bad behavior. Over time, a reasonable equilibrium can be reached.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 4:56:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub quote: It seems like an awful lot of hard work to me. It's only as hard as the domina wants to make it. If the sub gets too whiny and needy, that's a learning opportunity. To me it doesn't seem like it is as hard as the dominant wants to make it at all, it seems like the sub gets to tell her what he needs and then cites bogus medical claims to back it up. Also it seems that the whiny and needy element goes with the territory if this thread is anything to go by

hardbodysub -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 5:18:41 AM)
I won't deny that putting a male in an effective chastity device is likely to make him more needy. The device is not only preventing him from masturbating, it is also providing erotic physical sensations and constant reminders that he is under her control. That erotic mental and emotional stimulation intensify the physical desire. It's also likely to make him more willing to promptly perform tasks required by his domina, in order to (hopefully) attain release, which only she can grant. She can view this as an opportunity, or as a demand on her time and energy. It's a little of both, but isn't true of virtually all opportunities?

CdnExplorer -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 5:28:21 AM)
quote: if I had said yeah you can do that to me but only if you do this after Where are you reading this from? Healthy relationship communication does not topping from the bottom make. Respectful communication is good. They're doing this part of the time to make sure he gets some of his needs met in the relationship. Certain aspects are having emotionally negative effects on him. She isn't a mind reader, so he has to express himself. If these emotions are part of her desired effect she can tell him tough beans.

Hardbutt -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 6:04:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub I won't deny that putting a male in an effective chastity device is likely to make him more needy. The device is not only preventing him from masturbating, it is also providing erotic physical sensations and constant reminders that he is under her control. That erotic mental and emotional stimulation intensify the physical desire. It's also likely to make him more willing to promptly perform tasks required by his domina, in order to (hopefully) attain release, which only she can grant. She can view this as an opportunity, or as a demand on her time and energy. It's a little of both, but isn't true of virtually all opportunities? I second this point of view. If a couple are already happy together and make each other smile, give the little hug, and make a flirty comment as they pass, then using a chastity isn't work. If they are not happy together, any sort of 24 hour play is going to lose it's magic. Toys do not replace love. A keyholder is welcome to unlock a device anytime. Days on which my chastity was removed several times are memorable! I don't know why people believe that chastity always means long periods of denial. It is something that is practiced by some, but not all the time. I did just to see what it was like but prefer to be out for a few hours every few days, at least to go bike riding. A domme here with chastity experience wrote in the forums a while ago that it was like her car or her house, she unlocks it when she want to use it and puts it away when she is done. It does not have to be more complicated than that if two people get along already.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 6:14:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CdnExplorer quote: if I had said yeah you can do that to me but only if you do this after Where are you reading this from? Throughout this thread people have said you can put him in chastity only if you do x,y z. quote: constant reminders that he is under her control That is the one part I would concede to, the awareness of something can indeed increase it. Like when you are on a diet the first thing you want when you wake up is a bar of chocolate. The thing is though that it seems that with this all the attention is on the sub, what is his wife getting out of it?

CdnExplorer -> RE: Chastity, the thin line between dominance and neglect (8/7/2009 7:30:28 AM)
quote: Throughout this thread people have said you can put him in chastity only if you do x,y z. Interesting...what I read was that chastity play can be emotionally and physically intense (it is), which can make it a time intensive type of play. What is his wife getting out of it? This is exactly the problem...it seems like she doesn't enjoy chastity play for it's own sake. The Dommes I've known who do enjoy it thrive on the reactions of the sub to their attention. The problem is either that she finds chastity play to be a turnoff, or she thinks that denial is all there is to it...so she also denies herself, lest she "ruin it" by interacting with him sexually.

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625