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breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 6:38:57 PM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

Pardon me but I am little angry right now........I needed a place to vent my feelings. I met my Master here last summer. Just this past week.....it ended. I was very much devoted to this man. There were good times and some rocky times. I even stayed with him after a medical condition that he passed on to me shortly after we became intimate.

I understand that relationships come and go...there are reasons we meet and lessons learned. My gripe is how it ended. He responded to one message that he was sorry for his neglect. I complained to him that I had not heard from him in 10 days. One of my needs with him was contact.....we spoke/texted/emailed at least every other day if not every day. I need closure, need to say goodbye. I cannot just put that unfinished relationship in a box on the shelf and close the lid. I am angry and bitter and I hate that I feel this way because of him.

So here I am saying.......if you are breaking with someone at least give them the courtesy of telling them. Dont be a coward and just walk away.

ALWAYS, always use protection......I learned this one the hard way. I don't care how clean and careful they swear they are. Trust me it was the most painful and humiliating experience I have ever had. Emotionally it was devastating and more embarressing to think that I will have to explain this condition to anyone I may want be intimate with in the future.

< Message edited by shouldhaveknown -- 8/10/2009 6:39:44 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 6:59:43 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I wish I could offer sympathy or empathy but at 40, ya shoulda known better.

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Post #: 2

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 7:03:35 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

Heartless response; it doesn't matter how old you are, you still can be very hurt. I thought you were some sort of spiritual person?

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RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 7:08:26 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Heartless response; it doesn't matter how old you are, you still can be very hurt. I thought you were some sort of spiritual person?

Its not the break up Im refrerring to, its contracting the STD.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 4

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 7:08:49 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

I am so sorry hun, it is clear that you are very angry at the moment. I know it will all get easier for you, but I really do wish you the best with it.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

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Post #: 5

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 7:38:27 PM

playfulotter

Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

This happened to me in 2005 after an eight month relationship...10 days with me calling wondering if he died and we used to talk every other day or so.....Oh we picked up again on and off as we did live more than 100 miles apart but i could never get over that....he was upset i know about what he did as i could hear it in his voice when he finally picked up the phone...hey he was about 60 he could have died and i wouldn't have known....i almost called his work but never did....just move on is the best thing to do..it happens and you learn from it.

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 6

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 8:17:08 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

I assume he never told you that he had an STD. If it were me, to be honest, I would contact lawyer and sue his sorry ass for not divulging it. I also would have ended it the second I found out, but the statute of limitations is 2 years, and even using protection it only LESSENS the risk of his passing it on. Yea, he broke up with you and that sucks, but he passed on something to you that will effect you the rest of your life. It's a pet peeve of mine when people do that, so I'm tend to take the position that if more of them were actually sued for it, perhaps more would be up front about it.

Just a thought.

(in reply to playfulotter)

Post #: 7

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 8:46:55 PM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

This it to CatdeMedici:

I am venting..........hindsight is 20/20 and I see that now. Hopefully my putting this out there will help someone else think twice. I wish I had.

< Message edited by shouldhaveknown -- 8/10/2009 8:48:04 PM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 8

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 8:56:52 PM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

He never told me that he had an STD......... I wish there was a place where one could post the names of those who have this and pass it around without concern for others. When I told him he was so surprised....completely dumbfounded. BASTARD. Why I stayed..........I have no idea, but I was devasted and almost suicidal. It took awhile.........thankfully I have a wonderful therapist who taught me it was something I could live with and I was not a walking petrie dish.

Thanks for your advice and guidance.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 9

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 9:09:02 PM

HarderToBreathe2

Posts: 181
Status: offline

quote:

So here I am saying.......if you are breaking with someone at least give them the courtesy of telling them. Dont be a coward and just walk away.

**hugs** I'm gonna skip the topic of STD's and just talk about the breakup part. I have had this done to me so so many times, and I know exactly how you feel. There isn't much worse of a way to be broken up with, IMO. It definitely can leave you angry and bitter. I wish I had some advice on how to deal with it, but this is something I have never learned. I no longer give ANY man the benefit of the doubt that he won't end up doing this very thing, leaving a big empty hole where he once stood. So you know what I eventually did learn from it? I learned to break up with them before they break up with me. Which means I rarely have anything last more than 3 weeks with anyone. I just went through this, as a matter of fact... made it through 4 great weeks, and then broke up with him 3 times during the 5th week. He's told me he never wants to talk to me again because of this, but at least I wasn't on the other end of it, left standing in the dust, looking around wondering where he went.

This is what unresolved bitterness and anger can do to us... it turns us into someone we don't want to be. I will never understand how a guy can suddenly just quit caring, or quit caring long before he bothers to let you know. Men would rather be a cowardly jerk than do the right thing.

I guess I'm just venting right along with you. Maybe it'll help to know you're not alone. I'll tell him off for ya and put him in his place if you want... I've gotten pretty good at that over the years.

**more hugs**!!

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 10

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 9:15:02 PM

playfulotter

Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

oops..forgot to say..for me there was no STD involved..he just didn't call for 10 days....sorry for that.

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 11

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/10/2009 9:23:29 PM

VeryMercurial

Posts: 620
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

Peering out of the shadows here.
It often takes a long time to really get to know someone well.
Good luck in the future.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 8/10/2009 9:54:40 PM >

(in reply to HarderToBreathe2)

Post #: 12

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 12:52:11 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shouldhaveknown

Pardon me but I am little angry right now........I needed a place to vent my feelings. I met my Master here last summer. Just this past week.....it ended. I was very much devoted to this man. There were good times and some rocky times. I even stayed with him after a medical condition that he passed on to me shortly after we became intimate.

I understand that relationships come and go...there are reasons we meet and lessons learned. My gripe is how it ended. He responded to one message that he was sorry for his neglect. I complained to him that I had not heard from him in 10 days. One of my needs with him was contact.....we spoke/texted/emailed at least every other day if not every day. I need closure, need to say goodbye. I cannot just put that unfinished relationship in a box on the shelf and close the lid. I am angry and bitter and I hate that I feel this way because of him.

So here I am saying.......if you are breaking with someone at least give them the courtesy of telling them. Dont be a coward and just walk away.

ALWAYS, always use protection......I learned this one the hard way. I don't care how clean and careful they swear they are. Trust me it was the most painful and humiliating experience I have ever had. Emotionally it was devastating and more embarressing to think that I will have to explain this condition to anyone I may want be intimate with in the future.

Yes, there is no acceptable excuse not to be courteous, unfortunately this and other characteristics associated with being human are left at the log in screen

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 13

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 1:06:38 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shouldhaveknown

I understand that relationships come and go...there are reasons we meet and lessons learned. My gripe is how it ended.

Seems more likely, your gripe is that you feel like a fool now.

Kim

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 14

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:30:50 AM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

How can I not feel not that way? When you give yourself to someone and are treated in such a way? Thats where the bitterness and anger come from, how he treated me.

(in reply to cpK69)

Post #: 15

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:33:54 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shouldhaveknown

How can I not feel not that way? When you give yourself to someone and are treated in such a way? Thats where the bitterness and anger come from, how he treated me.

You live and learn, breakups cant be hard. But my theory is would you even want to be with someone as spineless? See it not as betrayal but fucking lucky escape.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 16

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:47:32 AM

shouldhaveknown

Posts: 8
Joined: 8/10/2009
Status: offline

Thats the best....you made me laugh. It was my escape from the spineless bastard.
Thank you..........you made me smile.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 17

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 5:49:35 AM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

I think it is possible, you are mistaken; that it is how you treated you, which has caused you to be so upset.

After all, you shouldhaveknown; right?

Kim

< Message edited by cpK69 -- 8/11/2009 5:50:01 AM >

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

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Post #: 18

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:01:29 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Some people are just cowards. They don't have the guts to face up to the fact that their lessened feelings for someone means that that someone is going to be hurt. They will rationalize it...well, its long distance OR look at all the things they didn't do for ME...but those rationalizations add up to excuses, not reasons, for their own behavior. The real reason for their behavior is that they like things to go nice and easy and tidy and a break-up isn't tidy. Feeling less for someone isn't nice. Facing up to someone and hurting them...even if it the honest thing to do...isn't easy. It is too much for some people to face up to and so, they take the easy way...the coward's way...out of it.

Some people are selfish cowards. These folks may have some legitimate reason for the decreased time spent in contact...they've had a death in the family, they've lost their job, they've been in an accident, etc. and all these things take time to deal with. Instead of sharing, they withdraw into themselves...sometimes to the point of making it "them against the world" and you become part of "the world" because you want some of their time, you want to be there for them but what you often end up hearing after their having contacted you finally...if they do...is "I run OR I needed time to handle this and you didn't sign up for THIS OR I need to get my life straightened out again". These people also tend to have a combination of a cynical and pessimistic view of life...they don't understand that someone may have signed up for one thing but just because something else came along, it doesn't mean they won't sign up for it too. Maybe because they themselves would not. So...they just disappear...sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.

What amazes me with so many of these people is their way of telling themselves "I did that for him/her...they are better off this way". Excuse me...that may be what I decide---that I can't handle it or that I don't want to deal with you not being all fluffy submissive or whatever...but that's MY choice to make, not yours. At least have the guts to give me that choice.

(in reply to shouldhaveknown)

Post #: 19

RE: breaking up and lessons learned - 8/11/2009 7:22:30 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

First off major hugs... the unexpected ending of a relationship is bad enough but not giving someone closure.. well.

As for giving you an STD I'm also so sorry. Doesn't take much to check up regularly, irrespective of whether you're in a relationship or not.

But you know up to a point this relationship was a successful one and there were feelings involved. It came to an end, as most relationships do, and that ending was unfortunate.

Please try to resist turning the feelings of love to feelings of hate, it only prolongs the pain and hurt. Try to accept it for what it was, a relationship that worked out for a time with someone you shared feelings with for a time. Your expectations of him weren't fulfilled that's all.

Let go, be nice to yourself. The more you let go and the more you accept things for what they were the better the progress you'll make and the easier the recovery.

People who are wise, intelligent and beautiful also get hurt in their relationships. You feel a fool because you feel deceived perhaps, perhaps by him, perhaps by yourself, but the pain is coming from all those unfulfilled expectations.

You have loved and lost and this only goes to show that you are capable of loving and being loved. Replace those unfulfilled expectations lest they become baggage with fresh dreams and fresh hopes.

You are live. You will love and be loved again. And you know dreams come true for those who really believe.

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