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cuckoldmepls -> RE: NEVER say this to a cop (6/6/2010 12:36:02 PM)
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I thought I would make it easy to copy these for forwarding. Hey, some of mine didn't even make the list. If you don't like the list make your own.
Look officer, I pulled over so you could pass me and escort me through town without stopping. I'm Gumby Dammit!!!
Well Kiss My Gritts... if it ain't Barney Fife. Last I heard you were working for the State Bureau of Investigation. What happened? Did Mr. Coffee put you out of business?
Thank God you're here Officer. I was on my way to kill my ex wife and I forgot to load my gun. Can I borrow yours?
Nice haircut. Did Joe Friday loan you his bowl?
I know my tail light is out Officer. That damn bitch in my trunk kicked it out!!! Why don't you write her the ticket?
I'm not bragging or anything but this is Batman's old car. I could have out ran you if I wanted to. I just didn't see any sense in burning $300 worth of jet fuel to get out of a $200 ticket.
Can you give me directions to the Michael Vick Champion Dog Fighting Arena?
That bite mark that I just put on your penis is my ticket out of here. For an additional $1000 I won't tell your wife.
Chief Wiggums called, he's threatening to come out of retirement unless you lose 50 pounds.
I didn't steal this car. I left them an IOU, so technically I only borrowed it.
Now wait a second. The sign said "speed zone ahead." So why am I getting a ticket?
Boss Hogg told me to tell you that this shipment is really going to the Duke boys for a frame up.
Officer, did you realize that only 10% of fatal accidents are caused by drunk drivers? That means 90% are caused by sober drivers and you're hauling my ass off to jail???
Thank God you are here! I've been craving a full body cavity search in the worst way.
I'm warning you. Don't make me mad (obviously drunk), cuz when I get mad I make the Incredible Hulk look like Pee Wee Herman.
Hey you look like that fat ass cop in Smokey and the Bandit. Lemme hear you say "I'm goonnnaaa baarrbbeeqquuee your ass." say it, say it, pls pls pls.
Officer, although I respect your diligence in adhering to the rule of law, as President of the Local University Physics Club, I feel it is my responsibility to point out one hypocritical flaw in your assertion that I was excessively speeding. You failed to take into account the theory of relativity as it relates to the eastward rotation of the planet. It can be safely concluded that this planet is rotating at a much faster speed than I could ever possibly drive. From a universal perspective, everyone on this planet is speeding by thousands of miles per hour including yourself. Furthermore, If you divide the speed limit by the speed rotation of the earth, and my speed by the speed rotation of the earth, you will find that the difference is less than .01%. Writing me a ticket for being over the speed limit by .01% would have to qualify you for the dumbass of the year award for which I will happily nominate you at our next meeting.
Can I go now?
Proof of Insurance? We don't need no stinkin Insurance. This car is only worth $500.
I can't help it if the printer ran low on ink. I didn't notice it until it had printed out about $10,000 and as you well know, it is against the law to destroy money. So what was I supposed to do?
Yes, I did see the Dateline NBC Van around the corner, and NO, the Hanna Montana shirt she was wearing on her profile did not tip me off. How was I to know she stuffed her bra? Do you think I'm a genius or something?
Drive off while tearing the ticket up, and throw it out the window. Do this about 5 times for which you will then receive 5 tickets for littering. Never tell him you were using your brother's drivers license who refused to loan you money even though he's rich.
Geeze, I'm sorry man, I didn't know motorcycle cops were out after midnight. I thought I was doing the city a favor by pouring my used motor oil out on the street. I noticed they do that every few years anyway.
Stay right there by your car officer. I need you to mark where my hocker lands as I attempt to break the world record for hocker spitting.
Look officer, I know this looks bad, but this lady said she needed a new pair of pants, and rather than give her the money that she may spend on drugs, I brought her behind this building to give them to her so as not to embarass her. Honest!!!
Escaped Convict? Oohhh no, not me. Some guy just came by here a little while ago, and offered me a 100% authentic zebra skin 2 piece suit for free. How could I say no to that?
Go ahead and write me a ticket, I don't care. I'll just go straight home and fire up the ole printing press.
"No Speaka Da English." Then threaten to call the ACLU when they can't advise you of your rights in your language, but you accidentally say it in English.
Ok, Ok, I'm laying face down, but if that's not your baton pressing up against my ass, I think I would rather just pay the ticket if you don't mind.
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