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RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:11:55 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz
I don't like that I don't have the strength for it now, but I just can't do it. I'm tired of battling crap. I need a little respite or something.

Tell your husband this, in a way that he understands that you mean it.

You are describing a road that, if you continue walking down it, your marriage will collapse. Have you really been as direct with him as you are being with anonymous strangers on the internet? My guess is no. If so, and he is continuing, then he's being a dope. So I would prefer to think that you have not been as clear with him as you are being with us right now.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 41

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:13:30 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm officially done.

Have fun destroying your life, someone else's life, and your marriage while you're at it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz

I don't want to because I wouldn't want to risk the well being of another person. I have reached a point of resignation and desperation that perhaps TRYING it and failing is the only way to make it go away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Just a thought.

You have issues that you know you need to fix.

You know you have issues regarding your relationship with your husband that you need to fix (trust).

Your stomach ties in knots over this situation between the two of you.

Why on earth would you even think about bringing another person into this?

ETA.... Hey Red. Are you sure you don't want to become a part of some D/D/D trio? We could rule the world!

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 8/15/2009 11:14:41 AM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 42

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:16:06 AM

MzPrizz

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline

I kid you not, I have been JUST as up front with him. He knows all that I have shared with you guys. This is usually when he would say, "I don't want to lose this. It's not that important to me. I will drop it."........for 5 mins before he starts with the good natured ribbing and joking about it and it just builds from there.

My mom was a prescription drug addict and that's how she would "cycle" as well. Quit, sneak, slip, blatant, blubbering. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I've suggested he see a therapist. He won't. The more I discuss this, the deeper I put my head in the sand.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 43

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:16:54 AM

traceoflace

Posts: 17
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline

I agree that for some its what they need to make them happy. I just find successfull long term Poly type relationships to be very very rare. I've only met one successfull family in the 10 years I've been in this lifestyle. I know many who seek it, but they never seem to work out. Ihave no idea if its because of the society taboo is just to much pressure or if its just very hard to balance such a relatinship successfully with out someone feeling jealous or left out.

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 44

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:17:59 AM

MzPrizz

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline

Thanks, Ladypact. I'm not proud of what I've considered "ok" lately either. It wouldn't happen. He doesn't want me to do anything against my will. He wants me to want it and I don't.

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 45

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:18:58 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

Op, I have sent you a c-mail, I hope it is useful :)

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to traceoflace)

Post #: 46

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:19:45 AM

MzPrizz

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline

How do I check that?!

(in reply to LillyoftheVally)

Post #: 47

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:21:25 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz
This is usually when he would say, "I don't want to lose this. It's not that important to me. I will drop it."........for 5 mins before he starts with the good natured ribbing and joking about it and it just builds from there.

I'm not a racist. My jokes about black people are good-natured ribbing.

After a while, jokes aren't funny, aren't natural, and aren't good.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 48

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:21:58 AM

traceoflace

Posts: 17
Joined: 7/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz

Thanks, Ladypact. I'm not proud of what I've considered "ok" lately either. It wouldn't happen. He doesn't want me to do anything against my will. He wants me to want it and I don't.

yay, i figured out how to quote!

You need to say this to him. "Sweety, I love you more then anything. I would love to be able to do this for you and make you happy, but I simply can not" leave it at that, and from that point on any joking should be met with a nod that you heard what he said. Do not encourage him with joking back, smiling, giggling or any indication that you might soften.

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 49

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:24:59 AM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz

How do I check that?!

If you go on the main site instead of the forum.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 50

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 11:32:29 AM

MzPrizz

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline

Figured it out. Thank you!

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 51

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 12:27:18 PM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

In my opinion therapy won't help either of you.
Your intelligent enough to have figured out what's going on but don't have the strength to address it now.
I was sexually abused and it's taken me until quite recently to address the problems in my relationships.
One day I hope you will find the strength to do so.
If you need to just talk to someone who might be able to understand then please email me. If not I wish you well.

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 52

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 12:30:09 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

In my opinion therapy won't help either of you.
Your intelligent enough to have figured out what's going on but don't have the strength to address it now.

In my opinion you are wrong. I am intelligent enough to figure out what my problems have been but I still massively have benefited from talking to people on both a personal and professional level. To say that 'intelligent' people do not need therapy seems so backward to me

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 53

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 12:32:27 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

In my opinion therapy won't help either of you.
Your intelligent enough to have figured out what's going on but don't have the strength to address it now.

One day I hope you will find the strength to do so.

i respectfully disagree.

If the op lacks the strength to address it herself, a therapist will be a huge help.

Waiting to find her inner strength is good in theory...but in her case the marriage will continue to deteriorate

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 54

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 12:42:05 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzPrizz

I kid you not, I have been JUST as up front with him. He knows all that I have shared with you guys. This is usually when he would say, "I don't want to lose this. It's not that important to me. I will drop it."........for 5 mins before he starts with the good natured ribbing and joking about it and it just builds from there.

My mom was a prescription drug addict and that's how she would "cycle" as well. Quit, sneak, slip, blatant, blubbering. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I've suggested he see a therapist. He won't. The more I discuss this, the deeper I put my head in the sand.

It builds because it isn't stopped.

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 55

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 1:00:35 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I have to say the thing that annoys me most is that the man is being SO EFFING passive aggressive about the whole thing. He isn't just teasing or joking around, he is continuing to nag, hoping that he will break her. Using humour in a passive aggressive way instead of being direct.

If a friend of mine came to me with this, asking for advice, this is what I would suggest. "You tell that man that either he goes to marriage counseling, even if it involves a part time job to pay for it, or we are OVER!"

Because if they do not get some counseling, I guarantee this marriage will crash and burn.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/15/2009 1:01:34 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)

Post #: 56

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 2:10:00 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

OP, you've gotten some very good advice from the posters here. I don't really have much to add in the way of the main issue - perhaps a couple of side things. First of all...a good relationship is very hard to find- kinky or not. I'm wondering why it seems that you are trying to keep your marriage together to the point of putting aside your own personal feelings and values and your husband doesn't even seem to be able to pay attention to what you are saying. The fact that the two of you can share so many things- a life, D/s, sex, kids - wow, that's pretty special. Why exactly is it so important to have a third in the bedroom? I'm just not sure why it should mean so much that one person of the couple pushes for it unrelentlingly...? And of course if it is so important to him and you just cannot do it then it's a different issue of incompatibility.

I could be wrong but it seems to me that he has a completely unrealistic view of what 'having a sub' would be like. He seems to think she'd be ready to jump out of a bottle ala I Dream of Jeannie to bring coffee, clean cobwebs, and stimulate nipples. This woman is a person not a fantasy, she'd need to live somewhere, have her own needs met and WANT to serve you both. Does he get that she has needs too? What he's describing is a genie or a robot or whatever - not a person. Saying that anything that needs being done around the house will happen if the two of you have a sub is just so .....silly. Is he aware of how long some couples have been searching for their elusive third? I've read here on the boards that some have been searching for years. The fact that he thinks it will happen by you simply agreeing to it also seems as though he believes in magic. This genie woman will appear out of nowhere, will require no upkeep or have any desires of her own, will live to serve the two of you and be the best lay ever....
Yeah. I want one too.

Finally you have to WANT to try something new. If you dont even want to try it what makes you think that it will be a success? Feeling beaten into it (even if it's being beaten by 'humor') is not a great way to try something out. You have a perfect right to your feelings of not wanting to try something and you seem to have good reasons for those feelings. Most people like to make their partner happy but you cannot do that at the expense of yourself.

Honestly I wish you the best of luck solving this dilemma.

(in reply to MzPrizz)

Post #: 57

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 6:01:18 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

OP you are in one major dilemma, and while I'm not usually into saying "get counselling" as fast as most US people say it, (it's not such a part of the aussie lifestyle), in this case, I do think it's needed for BOTH of you. I don't actually see that your previous sexual abuse issues are so much of the problem here, it's the emotional abuse that's currently happening. Yes you love him and he loves you, BUT the fact is that he is currently being emotionally abusive by continuing to raise this topic when you have clearly indicated that right now you don't want a bar of it, haven't got the energy to handle it etc. I don't care that he's raising it through humour, the method is irrelevant, it's the fact that he is continuing to do so when you have said NO that matters. It's mental rape really, using the notion that rape isn't about sex, it's about power. He's exercising his power over you by continuing to do that which he knows is causing you distress. He is trying to make you cave in and you are getting dangerously close to doing so, despite your knowing this would be grossly unfair to whatever poor unfortunate third you both managed to attract! One could only hope any prospective third seeing the issues at hand would run a mile in the opposite direction! However, we know from previous threads here ... there are some that won't and will end up here crying and in pieces *sigh*.

One practical suggestion for you. Get a calendar. Mark on it a date 6 months from the day when you give him the following notification (I suggest in writing as well as verbally). "I have told you repeatedly that I am not in a position to think about adding someone else to our relationship right now. I have received a great deal of advice that I have shared with you that indicates this would be a disaster for all. I want you to come with me to counselling to work on our relationship together. In the meantime, I do not want to hear this topic raised, with humour or in any other form, for the next 6 months. Any time you mention it will add a week to that date. If you make me add another whole month, then that will be more than 3 strikes ... and you will be out the door and staying somewhere else until you can control your tongue. I am not open to any negotiation on this. I love you, I want to be with you but I need to stay sane too." Or words to that effect! My guess is that he might be just as scared of ending this marriage as you are deep down.

Good luck!!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 58

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 6:03:13 PM

Leonidas

Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline

You know, if you had a sub, she could answer this question for you.

You've got yourself a man there who isn't inclined to constrain himself to one woman. You'd think he'd have the decency to just fuck around behind your back, like most men who are similar, and probably, eventually dump you when the shit hits the fan and he has to choose, but noooooo.... he wants to drag you into it. OMG, what an asshole! I'm going to take a wild guess that the other form of "alternative sexuality" that almost ruined you was "swinging"?

One thing I'm not completely clear on is whether you don't want HIM to have a sub, or you just don't want to have to handle her yourself. If it's the former, not much to say, if it's the latter, have you considered telling him to go ahead and get a sub and you'll watch, and hum a few bars and maybe join in on the chorus if the mood strikes you?

I don't think you need therapy. I don't think he needs therapy. I think you both might need other people. Your models of what "happy" looks like don't seem to overlap enough. Let me disabuse you of one thing though, if he's not happy being constrained to one woman, he's not going to be. Eventually, either overtly or covertly, he's going to do what he's going to do. If that's a deal breaker for you, break the deal and get on with life. The only thing that you have that can't be replaced is time.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 59

RE: Please help me understand!! - 8/15/2009 6:12:22 PM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline

All I see here is a husband abusing his wife. She is not able to do what he wants so he is trying to force her no matter what the results are. I totaly agree with DarkSteven. This man will throw his family away for his own self focused purposes.

Also keep in mind they have tried other alternative lifestyles and almost ruined their marriage. They should concentrate on making their marriage healthy before they start bringing in other influences. Right now it's just a sick powerplay.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 60

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