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RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 11:48:53 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		i too, came from a horrible place when Master found me. i was broken, through and through. Here are my thoughts and lessons learned:

1. Ask for a phone number. If it feels better, ask for permission to have it. Then call him with caller ID blocked.

2. Does he have a webcam? Ask if you can see him via that.

3. Be honest about your fears (a really hard one to do). Which fears are realistic, and which are just your baggage talking?

4. Do not judge him based on the men in your past. They have hurt you; he has not. He is not them (and you can confirm that by #'s 1 and 2 above. That was a hard one for me. "So n So broke my spirit, so you will, too" (particularly if he does anything remotely similar).

5. i know you are probably feeling like you are clutching with all your might to a tree at the top of a cliff, and opening yourself up is the same as jumping, not knowing if he will catch you or let you fall to your death (i felt that way with my Master at first). As the conversations unfold, you may find your grip lessening. A week is only a week...but if you feel that "pull" toward him, then at some point you will want to start letting go.

6. Focus on the future - the road ahead, NOT on your past. Your past, however painful, is over. It is past. History. Done. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? What kind of slave do you want to be? These are all forward thinking questions to ponder. MUCH healthier than wallowing in the past, which, i must admit, was one of my stronger traits at the time!!

7. Do you know his full name? Ask for it. Google him.

i spoke with my Master on the phone and IM 2 months before we met. All the while, i had my eye on the exit sign. That door in the back was my security blanket. He knew this, as i did not hide it from him. He ultimately told me, "you will either run to me or away from me." It was scarier than hell for awhile...but when i finally let go of that tree....and started falling....He was right there.

Celeste had a great point, too....Consistancy will be a huge part of this.

As for putting him in a bad position by asking his number? He is a Dominant, isnt' he? He has the option of saying no. If he is not comfortable telling a girl No, then how dominant is he, really?








(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 11:49:56 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic
that is why, Sir.. if He is not comfortable in giving it out then if i ask, i have then put Him in a position that He will be uncomfortable with.

ok thinking this thru, i suppose i could just give Him my phone number... if He choses to call that is His choice.


Wrong, you are removing his chance to make a choise by not telling him it is something that would help a problem you are having. If he is not ready to give you his number then he should have no problem in saying exactly that.

Look at the Doms you respect around here.... would any of them have a problem with saying no if they wished to? Would that cause them any discomfort? or would you think they would say no tell you why and move on with the conversation?

How would IronBear react?, KoM?, Myself?

Personaly if you thought it would help you get over the trust issue even slightly then I wouldn't just think you had a right to ask, I would say you had a duty to mention it.... You can't expect him to read your mind dear.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 11:52:04 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

That is why, Sir.. if He is not comfortable in giving it out then if i ask, i have then put Him in a position that He will be uncomfortable with.

ok thinking this thru, i suppose i could just give Him my phone number... if He choses to call that is His choice.




If getting a phone number from him would assist you in becoming more comfortable with the exchange and validating some information from him for your safety then I do not see why you cannot simply ask for it. At this point in the interaction it should be more about what is comfortable for you and not for him. If he knows that you have issues with trust, then he should understand your need to be protective of yourself until you can validate that he is who he says he is at your pace and not his.

Knight's kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 2/26/2006 11:53:11 AM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 11:56:08 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

It's not my place to ask Ma'am, so i will not. i love the 'I *get* phone numbers', tho LOL



Stop being a Victim!


Sir, with all due respect! NO SHIT!



Then why are you more concerned about the comfort level of someone... which frankly is no one significant your life.... thatn concern for your own comfort levels.!!!!!

You have a Duty and Responsibility to yourself FIRST others second! So quit allowing yourself to be a victim!


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:02:25 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic
that is why, Sir.. if He is not comfortable in giving it out then if i ask, i have then put Him in a position that He will be uncomfortable with.

ok thinking this thru, i suppose i could just give Him my phone number... if He choses to call that is His choice.


Wrong, you are removing his chance to make a choise by not telling him it is something that would help a problem you are having. If he is not ready to give you his number then he should have no problem in saying exactly that.

Look at the Doms you respect around here.... would any of them have a problem with saying no if they wished to? Would that cause them any discomfort? or would you think they would say no tell you why and move on with the conversation?

How would IronBear react?, KoM?, Myself?

Personaly if you thought it would help you get over the trust issue even slightly then I wouldn't just think you had a right to ask, I would say you had a duty to mention it.... You can't expect him to read your mind dear.


point very well taken, Sir... Those that i have greatest respect for here would have absolutely no problem in telling me no.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:02:49 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Angelic... as for his number.. or view on a web cam. If either is denied.. step back. But do not give him yours either. He may not wish to at this time because of lack of time spent learning more of you as well. If you have moved to say .. yahoo IMs.. do the calls via there's IM system if you have that version.

After only a week. You're barely getting into the..... hi how are you.... remember.. the gentlemen have as much to be worried about the ladies on here when it concerns trust and fears.. and stalkers.

Good luck gal.. keeps us informed... hugggggggggsssssssss

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:03:35 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		When I first met my Lord on-line, I couldn't care less if he was "comfortable" with the interaction or the level of privacy and security I needed. My concern was for myself; what I needed to feel safe, what I needed to feel secure, what I needed to take the next step in the relationship. If he had been uncomfortable or unhappy with what I needed to do, then that would have told me one thing.... He was not as concerned about my well-being as he claimed! Through 6 months of interactions, it was all about what would make me feel safe and comfortable.... and truthfully, to this day it is still all about my well-being; that is his primary concern and is my primary concern as well. Being a slave does not abdicate my responsibilty self and the responsibilty that I have to protect his property even if that means protecting it from him!


Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:05:45 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

i too, came from a horrible place when Master found me. i was broken, through and through. Here are my thoughts and lessons learned:

1. Ask for a phone number. If it feels better, ask for permission to have it. Then call him with caller ID blocked.

2. Does he have a webcam? Ask if you can see him via that.

3. Be honest about your fears (a really hard one to do). Which fears are realistic, and which are just your baggage talking?

4. Do not judge him based on the men in your past. They have hurt you; he has not. He is not them (and you can confirm that by #'s 1 and 2 above. That was a hard one for me. "So n So broke my spirit, so you will, too" (particularly if he does anything remotely similar).

5. i know you are probably feeling like you are clutching with all your might to a tree at the top of a cliff, and opening yourself up is the same as jumping, not knowing if he will catch you or let you fall to your death (i felt that way with my Master at first). As the conversations unfold, you may find your grip lessening. A week is only a week...but if you feel that "pull" toward him, then at some point you will want to start letting go.

6. Focus on the future - the road ahead, NOT on your past. Your past, however painful, is over. It is past. History. Done. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to be? What kind of slave do you want to be? These are all forward thinking questions to ponder. MUCH healthier than wallowing in the past, which, i must admit, was one of my stronger traits at the time!!

7. Do you know his full name? Ask for it. Google him.

i spoke with my Master on the phone and IM 2 months before we met. All the while, i had my eye on the exit sign. That door in the back was my security blanket. He knew this, as i did not hide it from him. He ultimately told me, "you will either run to me or away from me." It was scarier than hell for awhile...but when i finally let go of that tree....and started falling....He was right there.

Celeste had a great point, too....Consistancy will be a huge part of this.

As for putting him in a bad position by asking his number? He is a Dominant, isnt' he? He has the option of saying no. If he is not comfortable telling a girl No, then how dominant is he, really?


you know i have a great deal of respect for you... and you also know how scarey it is to be on that damn freaking treetop... what if i fall and there is no one there to catch me... what if i am not as fortunate as you... ok what if's what ifs...




_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:10:01 PM   
Real0ne


Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic
thinking this thru, i suppose i could just give Him my phone number... if He choses to call that is His choice.


thats exactly how i do it too. then its their choice lets them know you are interested and sincere without challenging their authority

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

Democracy; The 'People' voted on 'which' amendment?

Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:11:29 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


you know i have a great deal of respect for you... and you also know how scarey it is to be on that damn freaking treetop... what if i fall and there is no one there to catch me... what if i am not as fortunate as you... ok what if's what ifs...





Then you land painfully and pick yourself back up. Mind you, you'll be walking with crutches.....LOL

But........if i gave in to my what-if's....i would still be that broken girl he found 2 years ago.

Again, it has only been a week. your mind is zooming all over the place. Are you remembering to breathe?

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:15:29 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


you know i have a great deal of respect for you... and you also know how scarey it is to be on that damn freaking treetop... what if i fall and there is no one there to catch me... what if i am not as fortunate as you... ok what if's what ifs...





Then you land painfully and pick yourself back up. Mind you, you'll be walking with crutches.....LOL

But........if i gave in to my what-if's....i would still be that broken girl he found 2 years ago.

Again, it has only been a week. your mind is zooming all over the place. Are you remembering to breathe?


i'm trying LOL... and as you said it has only been a week (egads i just wondered what He would think if He saw all of this)... He would run for the freaking hills and Wwho could blame him? lol

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:18:24 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

It's not my place to ask Ma'am, so i will not. i love the 'I *get* phone numbers', tho LOL



Stop being a Victim!


Sir, with all due respect! NO SHIT!



Then why are you more concerned about the comfort level of someone... which frankly is no one significant your life.... thatn concern for your own comfort levels.!!!!!

You have a Duty and Responsibility to yourself FIRST others second! So quit allowing yourself to be a victim!



Because whether or not they are significant in my life or not... there is STILL a person on the other side of that screen.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:18:52 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Wwe haven't exchanged phone numbers, yet.


You can voice chat with him and also get him on cam. You might also try googling his screen name and his real name if you have it. Good luck with it, hope it works out for you.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:22:06 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne


thats exactly how i do it too. then its their choice lets them know you are interested and sincere without challenging their authority


At this point, this person has no authority over her so there is no way challenge it. And if someone's authority was challenged over a simple request for information, then that just shows the lack of security they have in their own authority. I ask for information all the time from my Lord and he does not feel that his authority is challenged and I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who's ego was so fragile that I had to tread softly so as not to challenge their authority.

kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to Real0ne)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:22:07 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


i'm trying LOL... and as you said it has only been a week (egads i just wondered what He would think if He saw all of this)... He would run for the freaking hills and Wwho could blame him? lol


Give yourself more credit. Maybe he would know what he was dealing with and better understand what it will take to bring you along.

Did you read the thread about a slave becoming ill? Did you see the running theme? For the most part, Doms/Masters value what is in the submissive/slave's heart - what drives her, what her submission tells them.

It is always so easy think of the worst case scenario. we lose site of...."what if this is actually GOOD?" What if....he sees a lovely girl with massive walls around her? What if he loves the challenge of busting through walls? Ohhh scary. No one is tearing down THOSE walls, right? (Trust me, i had bricks so thick it took several dynomite blasts).

Just keep breathing. And be honest. It is really okay to say what you feel. It is really okay to show the "ugly stuff." If he doesn't want it, then you were not in good hands (for you) to begin with. If he does....well baby, enjoy the ride, lol.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:23:33 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Because whether or not they are significant in my life or not... there is STILL a person on the other side of that screen.


And YOU are a person on the other side of HIS screen.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:24:56 PM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic



you know i have a great deal of respect for you... and you also know how scarey it is to be on that damn freaking treetop... what if i fall and there is no one there to catch me... what if i am not as fortunate as you... ok what if's what ifs...





I've seen you give some damn good suggestions to other people on here, which leads me to believe you are an intelligent person. YOU will be there to catch you if you fall. Don't sell yourself short. You're a hell of a lot stronger than you think. We all are. If, by chance, you fall, you'll pick yourself back up, brush yourself off and say, "Ok, that didn't work...next!"

If the worst happened, you'd have two choices. Give up, become bitter and jaded. Or, you can walk away with dignity, and respect for yourself because you didn't crumble when things looked bleak. Which is more appealing to you? To Him?



_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:37:52 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Then why are you more concerned about the comfort level of someone... which frankly is no one significant your life.... thatn concern for your own comfort levels.!!!!!

You have a Duty and Responsibility to yourself FIRST others second! So quit allowing yourself to be a victim!



Because whether or not they are significant in my life or not... there is STILL a person on the other side of that screen.


You can disregard my Lord's advice if you want, that is your perogative... but he has been that person on the other side of the screen talking to someone (me) who was terrified to trust and be vulnerable again for fear of falling flat on their face. The advice he gives you is the same that he gave me then... my duty and responsibility was to myself first and foremost and my concern for his comfort should be secondary.

Just to give you a little insight into me... before my current relationship, the last time I trusted someone, I was deeply betrayed in a way that violated a core character strength of mine and I spent years suffering from a depression so severe that I was hospitalized for a time as a danger to myself. I have walked a path through hell and learned to trust again, but first I had to learn to trust myself and my judgment.

These are not just idle words that he or I speak; they come from lessons learned through experience... some bitter and some joyous.

I wish you the best of luck.

kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 12:57:47 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic


quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic
It's not my place to ask Ma'am, so i will not. i love the 'I *get* phone numbers', tho LOL


There I disagree, it might be moot for you to ask respectfully if he would mind exchanging phone numbers.

But if it would help you get over your problem of wondering if it was your ex on the other end of the keyboard then I don't know any decent Dom who would say it wasn't your place to ask. He might not be comfortable giving it quite yet if it has only been a short time (I've already exchanged mobile numbers with my young lady, that happened before a full week had passed!)


that is why, Sir.. if He is not comfortable in giving it out then if i ask, i have then put Him in a position that He will be uncomfortable with.

ok thinking this thru, i suppose i could just give Him my phone number... if He choses to call that is His choice.





If he is uncomfortable in giving his phone number out to gain your trust then personally i would move on. Every new relationship needs a leap of faith on both parties... You may be a sub but, at this moment, you are not HIS sub...

ok.. so maybe that's not the most submissive way to think.. but i'm not the norm that i see around here anyway..

(in reply to angelic)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Own Worst Enemy - 2/26/2006 1:50:33 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I agree with all the posters.

Before emotions get invested treat is like a business decision in regards to continuing the communication. Do your homework. Ask a trillion questions, be hard, be blunt.

If he wont give his number treat it as suspect and when someone is under suspicion, hold back, dont invest yourself anymore, keep being hard and methodical.

I liked the "leap of faith" comment..but if there is only one person leaping..well that doesnt add up to anything productive, so hold back till you are ready to leap together.

With all the bs that goes on on the internet, why be a fool? and any intelligent, honest, real person would not want you to be one, they would comprehend entirely your cautions and your questions and your demands for proof they are who they say they are.

You dont have to do this in a bullying way, you can do this sweetly.

I met Master through the internet, I asked him so many questions, then I asked them different ways to see if it all added up to the same thing. I asked him to prove to me he was who he said he was in so many different ways. I also realised it was my responsibility to prove to him i was who i said i was, so provided him with proofs too.

I dont see a point to screwing around with your life, its too precious...and anyone who wants you to do that...just isnt worth your time.

It doesnt make you less submissive by asking questions or wanting proof, or even being suspicious, it just makes you smart about the choices you make in life...and perhaps an even better submissive, not a doormat.

(in reply to MyCaptainsPet)
Profile   Post #: 40
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