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Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:22:30 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		As i didn't want to highjack Lady Pact's thread, i started this one. i have been recently talking with a Dominant who likes to do things for His girl in a pampering kind of way. The idea of having a Dominant that i am serving (which isn't really the case here yet, as He and i are just talking) doing for me makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. i don't know how to deal with it, it feels not only foreign, but backwards. Yes intellectually i agree that if doing something for One's submissive gives the Dominant pleasure, then that should be gratefully and gracefully received by said submissive. However emotionally, i know i am not there at all.

i also realize that i can't be the only submissive who has ever felt this way and i am wondering what the perspective of  both sides of the kneel is. For the D-types, how would you want your submissive to react, how would you help them react in the manner that you want? For the s-types, how have you dealt with this, have you dealt with this, if you struggle or have struggled with the idea like i do, how did you get past that struggle?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt

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Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:27:25 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Most of the servants I've known, both inside and outside of my time in alternative relationship situations, have some measure of discomfort with ostentatious displays of service from the dominant side of the equation.

For myself, I try to let my servant know that xhe's appreciated, and try to remember special events and provide the means for hir to enjoy those days in special ways, but I don't do a lot of 'pampering' on a regular basis. To me, it makes the special times that much more special when they're rare, and it also is less disturbing to the flow of the dynamic, IMO.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:31:46 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		i can understand that completely and would not struggle with that concept at all. This particular Dominant that i am talking with likes to give His girl bubble baths and massages, that sort of thing. While doing something nice for One's s-type on his/her birthday etc seems like a good and proper part (in my opinion and comfort level) of a healthy D/s, M/s relationship, the concept of the other is rather freaky to me, makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Thank you Dame Calla for your response,
heartfelt

*edited for typo

< Message edited by heartfeltsub -- 9/6/2009 3:32:16 PM >

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:41:59 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

i also realize that i can't be the only submissive who has ever felt this way and i am wondering what the perspective of  both sides of the kneel is. For the D-types, how would you want your submissive to react, how would you help them react in the manner that you want? For the s-types, how have you dealt with this, have you dealt with this, if you struggle or have struggled with the idea like i do, how did you get past that struggle?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt


from a practical standpoint it makes no sense. i'm a woman and i didn't forsake that reality when i became a slave. i merely added a component on to the person that was already there and the surrender entails a process of integration. if i'm realistic then i accept that giving is something a person engages in because it is a demonstration of what they feel for the intended party. disallowing this form of expression not only negates their ability to give and share in the manner he wishes, but truthfully stops the flow between each. it is usually not an issue on the side of the one that gives, but a deficiency the other party possesses when receiving. it is unbalanced and will lead to one person feeling slighted eventually.

it is not my right to dictate how someone can express themselves to me. as a slave if my owner wishes to pamper me and finds delight in doing so, why would i say no? why would my partners desire to show his value and appreciation of me diminish merely because of the exchange? if anything i'd believe the heightened trust between the two would cause this to expand instead. perhaps the problem rests in how you view yourself as a submissive.

i am a woman and i enjoy pleasing my man. that may mean doing the supposedly 'vanilla' things a girl would do, or electing to participate in activities that could be off putting to some. i strip away all the catch phrases and break it down to its basic factor, two people loving and taking care of one another. sometimes the greatest service we can provide to the one we're with is allowing them the opportunity to do for us the very things we'd deny ourselves.

porcelaine

< Message edited by porcelaine -- 9/6/2009 3:47:51 PM >

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:51:47 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

This particular Dominant that i am talking with likes to give His girl bubble baths and massages, that sort of thing.


Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Some friends of mine have been presented with bait and switch.  This is a male submissive posing as a Dominant to get a lady, then slowly but surely turning the relationship around so that he is the submissive and she is Dominant.  Not saying that is the case here, but I'd be wary. 

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:52:09 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		porcelaine, thank you for replying. i realize that it is my issue, i don't know how to receive well and i realize that. and i would (if i end up in a relationship with the Dominant that i was speaking about) would not say no please don't do that. i am asking how, when i know it is my issue on not being able to receive well, how do i get over that. Your answer did answer some of that and intellectually i can and do agree with what you wrote, i am just not sure how to deal with it emotionally. To me, and this will probably sound odd, to me i feel more in control when i am serving and out of control when i am being done for. i remember Lucky Albatross mentioning something like that once and it did indeed resonate with me. Thank you again porcelaine for your reply.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 3:53:23 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for your replay peppermint, i don't think that is the case here, but i will keep my eyes open.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to peppermint)
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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 5:02:44 PM   
Loki45


Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline 		A very wise Dom I once knew said that actions are not what make a dominant. Dominants are dominants because it's who they are.

And any dominant worth their salt would not demand immediate service when they see their submissive come in from an obviously long day at work, looking like the world just kicked them in the teeth, and they're on the verge of tears.
In those instances, or whenever the dom "feels like it" it is their prerogative to treat their submissive with tenderness and kindness.

Caring for one's submissive not mean just food and shelter. It also means caring for their emotional well-being as well.

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'Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth."

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 5:12:31 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for your answer Loki. i get what you said and i don't disagree. In fact until the Dominant that i am talking with starting saying He enjoys doing stuff like i am asking about, i never realized that it was even an issue for me. It took me years to learn how to simply say thank you to a compliment and not try to deflect it with some smart assed comment. i know that the issue is with me, not that there is anything "wrong" in a Dominant chosing to do nice things for His/Her submissive. i just don't know how to accept it well, it makes me uncomfortable and i was and am looking for help in how to deal with the uncomfortableness. Thank you again for your reply.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 5:13:31 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
For the D-types, how would you want your submissive to react, how would you help them react in the manner that you want?

For me, I can tell you that my love for Carol and my dominance of her are inextricably interwoven. I cannot imagine creating or keeping a dynamic which, for whatever reasons, precluded me from expressing my deep and heartfelt love and gratitude for her -- whenever it happened to bubble out -- which is often.

I don't think I'd ever need to help any submissive to see it my way. I suspect that any submissive who saw such things as inappropriate would never be attracted to me to start with. I wouldn't press any of the right dominance buttons.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 5:21:13 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for your reply Leadership. i have a feeling that i haven't written my thoughts clearly, because i in no way want to say that such things are inappropriate, merely that not being the one doing the service makes me uncomfortable. i have no frame of reference for it and i am lousy at receiving. So i was hoping for some help with others who have had to face the same situation either as the D-type or the s-type. Thank you again for your reply.

heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 5:42:56 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

i can understand that completely and would not struggle with that concept at all. This particular Dominant that i am talking with likes to give His girl bubble baths and massages, that sort of thing. While doing something nice for One's s-type on his/her birthday etc seems like a good and proper part (in my opinion and comfort level) of a healthy D/s, M/s relationship, the concept of the other is rather freaky to me, makes me feel very uncomfortable.



LOL, well... how much do you like him? If the answer is "a whole lot," then I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to bubble baths and massages as a way of submissive life. Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you. The laughter is very much with you as my last master was quite similar. He loved to give and spoil and pamper, and even after many years it never stopped feeling uncomfortable to me, although, thanks to his help, I did get used to it enough that it stopped bringing up negative thoughts and feelings. When I'd tell him about my discomfort he understood, but insisted that his will be done anyway. I felt like a spoiled favorite child--but one who didn't like or choose her role. I Being pampered wasn't always a bad thing, but most of the time it was hard to deal with. At least with a bubblebath or a massage, you can shut your eyes and imagine he's getting sexual gratification from touching his sub's body. Imagine if you can how much ownership he's expressing as he moves his hand over your, actually his, body.

If you think he's the right master for you, you have to be obedient to what he wants, even if what he wants sometimes is to serve you. There's nothing wrong or non-dominant about what he's doing, but I understand how uncomfortable it is to bear. Keep telling him about that discomfort, maybe he will tone it down a bit out of compassion for you.

What about sexually? Is he one of those doms that likes to give his sub orgasms and does that bother you? My former master at least didn't insist upon that and I was very glad about that at the time. I had a healthy libido, but I very much preferred to beg for an orgasm, not to have them forced out of me. I also didn't mind having my orgasms ignored as insignificant or being denied. Both are turn-ons for me. But I've noticed how many dominants state in their profiles that they want to give their submissives sexual plesaure so I'm preparing myself to submit to that eventuality someday. If I'm lucky, whomever I wind up with will sometimes top the pleasure off with a huge dollop of pain.

What helped me most with this issue over the years was constantly talking to my dominant about it. Even when I'd broached it dozens of times before he still graciously allowed me to talk about it, and tried to help me sort it out in my head. One way he did this was describing how this "service" looked like from his perspective. From his point of view, it was him doing what he wanted with me and what gave him plesaure, not him trying to serve me.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 5:59:33 PM   
TheOtherKat


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/4/2008
Status: offline 		I personally do not feel that appreciating someone is necessarily indicitive of "service" as you call it. I simply believe that it is showing someone you are appreciated, and I believe you can absolutely do so without disrupting the power dynamic.

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 6:02:49 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		I've had to deal with this in the past, my way of getting over it?

It's his choice if he wants to pamper me, and if he's in charge, who am I to tell him not to or to accept it with bad grace? If it brings him pleasure to give me pleasure, and his pleasure is paramount to mine...then I smile, relax...and take it like a good girl. :)

< Message edited by Sunnyfey -- 9/6/2009 6:03:31 PM >

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 6:11:04 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

porcelaine, thank you for replying. i realize that it is my issue, i don't know how to receive well and i realize that. and i would (if i end up in a relationship with the Dominant that i was speaking about) would not say no please don't do that. i am asking how, when i know it is my issue on not being able to receive well, how do i get over that. Your answer did answer some of that and intellectually i can and do agree with what you wrote, i am just not sure how to deal with it emotionally. To me, and this will probably sound odd, to me i feel more in control when i am serving and out of control when i am being done for. i remember Lucky Albatross mentioning something like that once and it did indeed resonate with me. Thank you again porcelaine for your reply.

heartfelt


stop and breathe. your mind is racing and you're moving fast and all the ideas are swirling around in your head. which only promotes the fear and discomfort and and and....

stop. the mind is a tool. we are its master. you have done the most important part by acknowledging your problem and coming to grips with the fact change will be required. the dominant in question would be taking you out of your comfort zone and hurling you into one where you can't control the outcome. what if this leads to this and that and then...

stop. you don't know. can't know. and that's the beauty of being what you are. we confront our fears and insecurities undeterred by every voice prodding us to runaway instead. what you must recall is that your will to yield and please is far greater than the things that compel you to shun his care.

rather than anticipate or even focus on what makes you uncomfortable. turn around and look back. recall all the mountains you've scaled to reach this point. i'm sure there were quiet a few. remember the fear, sadness, and the timid baby steps you took when everything within you wanted to do the opposite. but you did, and look how far you've come. hold those memories close to your heart. these things along with your commitment to serve, please, and grow will be what you draw from when you're afraid.

don't forget about him. he's there and wants to know all these things. remember your sisters as well. we have been where you are and we're willing to listen and to offer encouragement, a nudge, and nice kick in the tush when needed. i believe you just needed a bit of each. enjoy the journey. every change and challenge surmounted leads you back to yourself. good luck.

porcelaine


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His will; my fate.

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 6:19:59 PM   
trappedinamuseum


Posts: 5066
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

As i didn't want to highjack Lady Pact's thread, i started this one. i have been recently talking with a Dominant who likes to do things for His girl in a pampering kind of way. The idea of having a Dominant that i am serving (which isn't really the case here yet, as He and i are just talking) doing for me makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. i don't know how to deal with it, it feels not only foreign, but backwards. Yes intellectually i agree that if doing something for One's submissive gives the Dominant pleasure, then that should be gratefully and gracefully received by said submissive. However emotionally, i know i am not there at all.

i also realize that i can't be the only submissive who has ever felt this way and i am wondering what the perspective of  both sides of the kneel is. For the D-types, how would you want your submissive to react, how would you help them react in the manner that you want? For the s-types, how have you dealt with this, have you dealt with this, if you struggle or have struggled with the idea like i do, how did you get past that struggle?

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt


Hi Heartfelt,

I find myself struggling with this still, and it doesn't have a whole lot to do with the dynamic in our relationship.  I am naturally suspicious of anyone trying to do anything nice for me.  It makes me wonder what they are up to.  This is something I have been attempting to work on over the past year, and I feel like I am gaining some progress.  However,  still tend to jump when he puts his arms around me in a hug, because I am expecting some kind of strike to follow.  That part I don't know how to work through, but I keep trying. 

I guess I would look at it in the way of the idea that everyone defines Dominance and Submission in their own ways.  It took me a long time to realize that not everyone follows the same tenets of BDSM, and that I can't compare the current relationship I am in with those tenets, because it will never match up.  Do you have an emotional problem with it because you feel it is wrong, or because the "definition" of BDSM says it is wrong?



_____________________________

"You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside you soul.
Don't come back for me.
Don't come back at all" - Jar of Hearts

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 6:50:15 PM   
Lostkitten3


Posts: 179
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline 		I think more help is needed than a message board can give. Please see a professional, a social worker would be great. The women's shelter in your town probably has free sessions.

I may be reading too much into this, but it seems to me if you are not able to accept kindness and hugs, without expecting ill intent, that you have been trained to feel this way, and that is neither healthy, nor a BDSM relationship, it is simply abuse.

MANY healthcare professionals acknowledge and understand BDSM and are required to study it as a part of their degree, so do not be afraid of telling them your truth. They can help you understand the difference between submission and abuse, and once recognized, it is much easier to deal with your past and step boldly into a stronger saner future.

Good Luck


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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 7:19:19 PM   
coastalove


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/25/2005
Status: offline 		I have a simalar problem, do to a recent stroke on my part has made me unable to care for myself.  Master has become my caretaker.  cooks for me, bathes me, i can dress myself now and walk, but don't have use of my right arm.Master sees when I get tired and needs to rest, chaces me out of office and makes me rest.  her runs our business and takes care of me, afraid he will burn himself out or evenually resent me for all this.  mentally my brain doesnt register being waited on.

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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 7:20:41 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		Heartfelt, there;s also a wonderful tenant I live by sometimes when I have to...especially when it comes to things like this, that I know are healthy to be happy about, but I'm still not happy about......fake it till you make it.

It's helped me through a lot of things particularly with self esteem issues (which is what this will eventually boil down to i think)


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RE: Accepting Service From A Dominant With Grace - 9/6/2009 8:33:57 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		heartfeltsub,
When Sir does things for me, I get this somehow guilty feeling, but then I tell myself to stop it. I am just uncomfortable with people  doing for me, because I normally enjoy doing for others.  But Sir is the Dominant and He can do whatever He wants to do.  And if that includes doing nice things for me and that makes Him feel good, I will enjoy them and be lovingly thankful for Him and everything that He is and does.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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