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RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/28/2009 7:16:12 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		It's funny the answers that this thread is getting. Funny because of the Three firends that are going through a Divorce all still HAVE the things that everyone is stating is most important. The things that are missing are the Sex, the Attention, and the Fantasy Romance that used to be there.

The Honeymoon ended and they all started to be the people they really are and found out that without the desire to "Put Up With" or the reality set in that "I can Live with" isn't something they can really live with.

What I find sad in all three of these close friends going through divorse is that ALL of the parties involved are no longer willing to accpet the person as they are. Now some could argue that they are not who they always were, that when they stopped being the Facade they were representing that they stopped being who the other fell in love with. Okay I would give you that except for the fact that the other party is fed up with other as well. Meaning that BOTH people stopped doing something that the other needed.

I am forced to use the word "need" because it would seem that if it were simply a want that both parties would not be fighting over it so deeply.

I have always been me. I do not put up a fasade. I do not do things that I am wnot willing to do all the time. I make romance a Freak thing for no reason what-so-ever so that when it happenes it is appreciated and not expected.

I carry myself the same in all things I am rather pragmatic that way. My reaction should always be the most logical, and when I have the illogical reaction I expect that the girls ask about them and find out why. Sometimes I change my decision but most of the time I have a reason for going outside the normal walk.

I think relationships are built on Acceptance. I think more than LOVE this is the holy grail of the relationship world. I have two women who accept me for who I am, faults and all because I show them my faults and let them know they are a part of me. I am Human and thus falable and in that knowledge they know I am ever growing. They accept this about me and it is that acceptance that keeps us going. They accept that I am who I am and I accept them as they are.

All things considered what else do you really need?

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 2:44:26 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		Sex is a vital part of mine and the D types relationship, when it is missing no matter how many I love you's we say everyday there is stress.
D/s is vital, I need to express my submissiveness, if I cant do that I get all tied up in knots (and not the good kind)
time, we always make time for one another to appreciate what we have even if it is 5 mins in the morning before we both dash out the door for another busy day

Love respect and trust are of course part of the above but when I look at it I had love respect and trust with my ex, what was missing was the things I mentioned above. bad sex at best no sex at worst. I had to make every descion about everything and under no circumstance could I ever be who I was, my softer side was totally surpressed. And neither of us ever really made time to appreciate the small things.



(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 4:58:19 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
When people describe what makes their relationship work and use the same words, like respect, admiration, acceptance, love, sex, kink and so on and so forth......it doesn't really describe the *why and the how* of it OR the fascinating mix of the person they have it FOR.

I still respect and admire my ex-husband, whom I divorced over 20yrs ago, in certain ways, but not at ALL in the way I do my owner.

As there is such an array of reasons that people get together in the first place, there's no real way of measuring the ingredients that go into the recipe for longevity. Everything I say about my relationship with my owner of many years, could apply to my married one and yet that wasn't enough to keep me in it. The best I could say was that the thought of being with my husband for life, did not fill me with joy or interest.

The people I know who've divorced (including myself) have stopped being TRULY interested in their *other halves* as people. It's as if they got to a place where they realised that * oh, this is it*.......and the *it* isn't enough to make them stay. The perceived cost isn't worth the benefit.

So, along with all the admirable, and oft trotted out, ingredients that a relationship is built on........the main one is the people themselves and the *how and why*.

A relationship can be built on anything , but as we all know, it isn't what necessarily KEEPS people IN them.

Now THAT is the thing.

agirl















(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 7:31:15 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

So what do you think a Relationship is Built on?


The confidence, personal and in the trust you have in your partner/partners, to be able to maintain 24/7 total, naked disclosure of your body, your mind, and your soul.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 8:09:07 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
So what do you think a Relationship is Built on?


Rock and Roll.

the.dark.


No that is what we built this city on.

Thank you 80's Music. I would like to thank you for this pun and the one that followed.

We Owe you so much, like Bangle Earings and Parachute Pants.

Steel


And ra-ra skirts.
I am a 80's freak at heart.   I was being serious though.  All my healthy relationships have been built on rock and roll - metaphorically (not just musically).  I intend to keep to those ingredients because it's all worked out cool of me.

the.dark.



_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 8:24:25 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		i believe that a relationship is built on the fulfillment of some mutual need. the foundation of my relationship is my need for my Master's control and dominance over my life, and his need for my complete surrender to his will. 

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 8:24:51 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		I think relationships are built on Acceptance. I think more than LOVE this is the holy grail of the relationship world. I have two women who accept me for who I am, faults and all because I show them my faults and let them know they are a part of me. I am Human and thus falable and in that knowledge they know I am ever growing. They accept this about me and it is that acceptance that keeps us going. They accept that I am who I am and I accept them as they are. (Steel)

This is a very wise statement, IMO.

We all want and even need acceptance for who we really are. But if you can't open yourself up to the point you can share who you really are (warts and all), you will never have it.






_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 8:28:50 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

So what do you think a Relationship is Built on?


The confidence, personal and in the trust you have in your partner/partners, to be able to maintain 24/7 total, naked disclosure of your body, your mind, and your soul.



For a certain type of relationship, I would require this. However, not all of my relationships require, or even want it.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 9:26:38 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Y'see, Friendship for me or if you prefer Australian mateship entails the acceptance of someone warts and all. Historically, an Aussie will lay down his life for his mate. he'll back him in a fight no mater who is actually right or wrong, some one takes a swing at your mate you'll probably drop the bugger (the bloke who took the swing at your mate) for being so silly and anyway pick a fight with my mate you pick a fight with me. Not just the stories of legend or bush ballads but sold hard fact especially with my generation and those preceding me. mateship or friendship if you prefer is often forged in the Furness of hardship often in the bush by fire, flood, drought or just hard times. Again also forged in the theatres of war. You might run out of smokes, your mate will without thinking, toss you a packet of tobacco and papers to roll one, or even toss you a fresh packet of cigarettes and expect you to keep them. Your short of a couple of bob so he'll dig into his pocket and buy you that beer. You may be doing it hard so he'll drop over for a social bringing a slab of beer and sometime during the evening will quietly stash a parcel of food on the kitchen table. there's no great hurrah it's just what mates do. he knows that when he is in need you'll be there if it at all possible. This is the type of friend ship which Neets and I developed before our permanent relationship started to format and it is not hard to see how trust and respect also developed for they too are part of that mateship. I have the same mateship with my father in law although those who don't know us would wonder for wee are more often than not arguing just for the hell of it and tossing shit at each other but when the chips are down we are there for each other.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 10:33:21 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
quote:

So what do you think a Relationship is Built on?

The confidence, personal and in the trust you have in your partner/partners, to be able to maintain 24/7 total, naked disclosure of your body, your mind, and your soul.

For a certain type of relationship, I would require this. However, not all of my relationships require, or even want it.

Definitely not a relationship requirement, but why wouldn't anyone want total and naked disclosure from a partner; intimate or on any other level?

On an intimate level, do you want to know if those jeans make your ass look fat, or to you want your partner to stoke your ego? A silly example, but one of the reasons I have never lost a minute of sleep wondering; "what did beth mean by that comment?"; regarding any subject. If I didn't understand I could ask. If I thought the comment indicated a bigger problem between us, I wouldn't lose sleep worrying about what the 'real' problem or issue was, we would talk about it. However, that is just half of the benefit.

The other benefit is, self censorship. There is nothing that goes unsaid between us; having in the background some memory of the last time the subject was broached started a 'fight'. Good stories, bad stories, wish we did this instead of that; are discussed all the time. We've never had a "why were you looking that way at that other woman or man", or a jealous "wow - you and him/her were really chatting it up" chat. As much as that's a good benchmark representing the confidence we have in each other, it doesn't illustrate it best.

We just traveled 14 hours together coming back and forth from LA to Folsom. Very little of that time was spent listening to the IPod or CD. We talked, even when the music was playing. The fact that after all this time we still enjoy the simple pleasure of each others company and talking; is a symptom of not being afraid to talk about anything. Some people may think this is no big deal, but to me, it's incredibly amazing. beth intrigues me.

By far, she has more of the self confidence I speak of than me. I wish I had her comfort level for getting 'naked' and not caring if anyone perceives a 'flaw'. I haven't found anyone else like her willing to do so, professionally or personally. There are many more reasons NOT to be so disclosing and especially not as trusting. Apparently its a common struggle.

Look how many questions are posed in these threads where the Dom or sub is expected to have paranormal mind-reading abilities. Partners come here to find answers which could be answered definitively by simply asking the person. The confidence to do so and expectation, or fear, of consequence keeps that from happening. The resulting internal conflict creates a silence between the partners that remains when the frenzy, enthusiasm, and excitement of the initial meeting wanes. You run out of 'safe things' to talk about, and start avoiding any subject which potentially can put you in the mind field of 'dangerous' disclosure. When CSI comes to dissect the crime scene of a failed relationship and ask "What happened?"; silence is commonly the 'smoking gun'.

The weakness I brought to our relationship was not believing anyone could be that 'naked'. As a result I struggle constantly to combat my naturally reaction to keep some part of myself hidden while at the same time analyzing some deep hidden meaning/agenda in the most innocent of comments made by beth. I'm getting better at it, but still not in beth's league.

No matter how much self confidence you have, it's virtual suicide to be naked and disclosing in a business environment. Although in the past few years, I've used the technique to disarm many. So many people are so used to dishonesty and deceit that when I 'deal the cards up'; the tactic weakens them and their negotiating skills. It's seems funny to represent that 'honesty' and 'truth' can be used as negotiating tools, but, although I still hold back for self protection, I find myself using them more and more. The result there has been similar; I'm losing less sleep wondering what I should have said at business meetings.

Confidence to disclose pragmatic truth, no matter the result, can be used on a selective basis. Telling your boss his idea sucks may get you fired. Even on the high end, telling your Banking partner the pragmatic truth about how you think they are handling your LOC may not be the practical. Unless/until you have 'fuck you' money sitting in a foreign bank, you have to pick your spots to be 'naked'.

On personal basis, with an intimate partner, I'm curious why having the confidence to be 'naked' wouldn't be desired?

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 11:57:24 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		All I can say to that is, I don't know. It would be my preference. However, I have yet to meet someone, anyone in my life at all, that wants it. For every single person I know, there is some sort of censorship. I don't know how or why that may or may not reflect on me, I just know that it exists.

I learned many years ago to only give people the information they ask for. If I go beyond that point there are a multitude of reactions, depending upon the person. The worst has been an end to the relationship, family member so yes, difficult and painful. The best is that familiar, deer in the headlights, with a fast exit. And the rest is usually somewhere in the middle.

So, while I prefer truth and transparency, most people do not. Regardless of how carefully delivered. I am fine with that really. It makes for a rather lonely life at times, but that's okay too.

I think my experience is probably more in line with that of most people. Just read the threads here.....most problems are relationship problems and most caused by lack of communication. People afraid to speak what is in their heart, people assuming. Just fuel for trouble........at least that is my take on the whole thing.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 12:10:23 PM   
looking4princess


Posts: 165
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

think our relationship is mainly built on a mutual agreement to put up with each other no matter what... leaving is just not an option


Ohh, careful there. That could be delusional. Leaving is always an option. Fifty percent divorce rate, remember?

_____________________________

vincent....

Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? I ask you.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 12:19:30 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

All I can say to that is, I don't know. It would be my preference. However, I have yet to meet someone, anyone in my life at all, that wants it. For every single person I know, there is some sort of censorship. I don't know how or why that may or may not reflect on me, I just know that it exists.

I learned many years ago to only give people the information they ask for. If I go beyond that point there are a multitude of reactions, depending upon the person. The worst has been an end to the relationship, family member so yes, difficult and painful. The best is that familiar, deer in the headlights, with a fast exit. And the rest is usually somewhere in the middle.

So, while I prefer truth and transparency, most people do not. Regardless of how carefully delivered. I am fine with that really. It makes for a rather lonely life at times, but that's okay too.

I think my experience is probably more in line with that of most people. Just read the threads here.....most problems are relationship problems and most caused by lack of communication. People afraid to speak what is in their heart, people assuming. Just fuel for trouble........at least that is my take on the whole thing.

You make a good point, LaTigresse.  Honesty in all its variations has been discussed on these boards.  Ironically enough, what you see most often is people stressing the virtues of total honesty.  I say ironically enough because there are some, such as LaT and myself and others, that have found that---despite what many people claim---most (though certainly not all) folks are prepared for total honesty and soon find they don't want it.  I've too had a family member that no longer wants anything to do with me because I was a little too transparent about what I enjoy in terms of D/s.  I've had friends who deserted me when my ex-wife spewed forth after our divorce and rather than put a spin on it when asked, I told the truth as a lie would have been too easily seen through and the truthful statement of "I don't really want to talk about this" was considered confirmation and/or insulting to our "friendship".  So yes, I find that I guard certain areas of myself even while hoping to someday not have to hold back on at least most of what I do now. I find that other folks, for the most part, want the decision to keep certain thoughts or feelings or whatever to themselves, especially if it is in their past but there are aspects of their daily living thought/action/behavioral process that they prefer to keep to themselves.  Now, if it is important to the relationship/dynamic they are sharing with someone, it is a problem and in D/s---with its' necessity for almost-complete transparency---it can be magnified.  If it is not, then I have to admit there are things that I just don't care to hear about nor need to know about. 

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 12:30:18 PM   
looking4princess


Posts: 165
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

But just like sex... once love is gone, you're screwed.


Sometimes, after "love" is gone, after the bloom has left the rose, after the scent of the pheremones has drifted away to work magic elsewhere, then love continues in the guise of two people huddled together and protecting each other against the storms of life and giving encouragement to the other to continue on. Sometime it ends up being a question of who is pushing the wheelchair and who is riding in it but they can still look at each other and call it love (even if they lie to themselves) It's all real good and exciting at first but eventually shit happens and the new nature of the relationship emerges. It is constantly being redefined. All your platitudes and eager necessities are for naught. Relationship is just two people getting on together day in and day out in the process of eventual human entropy. You cannot define the magical glue. There is none. It won't stick for very long. It is delusional. God, am i depressing today! lol

_____________________________

vincent....

Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? I ask you.

(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 12:40:53 PM   
bliss4us09


Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline 		I'd say that good relationships are built on respect - the willingness to real see past Self to the Other (or others) and to take into account what their needs and aspirations are.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 12:54:19 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		First and foremost, I think/feel/believe too many people look at D/s inside of BDSM as being a rigid model. There are too many differences and varience between people and relationships that defy the stereotype notions of D/s. In terms of limits, tolerences, acceptable and unacceptable behavior or practices. This applies to every facet of the relationship itself. Not to just activities. Differences in morals, beliefs, ways of doing things, interests, needs, wants and desires.

Dare I suggest such a thought, but the best D/s relationships are those to which there is a balance between people. Now many people have many idealized notions of things. What is acceptable or not acceptable.

However, there are aspects for finding and being with somebody you can get along with for the long term. The sexual desire and gratification aspects, and the aspects of love. Most people sort of look for all Three things combined for a good relationship. One of the aspects of Love comes a degree of tolerence and acceptence.

Nobody is perfect, everybody has some bad or nagging qualities. However, generally with Love we are much more tolerent of flaws and faults. Face it, if you are interacting with somebody you don't Love, chances are you have less tolerence. Even more so, well if you really don't like that person. People we don't like, well thier imperfections and flaws just seem to rub off even more wrong.

People tend to have difference methods or styles to D/s relationships, as they do with living day to day life. Some people have extremely rigid and structured lives, other people are more into living by the moment and enjoy being more spontaneous. The norm for most people is somewhere in the middle. Even this is tricky. What areas of life are very structured and what areas are not.

None the less, a relationship is a relationship. Love and Sex are a big part of it, but so is finding somebody with similar mindset that you can in a long term relationship.

It's up to the people in the relationship to figure out what they will or can or can not tolerate or accept. Sort of back to limits. Limits to what one can or can not accept.

Everybody has limits, perferences, wants, needs and desires. A D/s relationship does not somehow make these things all one sided. Does not instantly remove those human elements from a submissive. Also, does not mean that a Dominant partner wishes to control and direct every single little aspect of a submissives life as well.

D/s is a relative concept, based upon authority, having somebody in charge and etc...

Debates about matters such as can a Slave own or not be permitted to own things, well... there is no true one correct answer to that. Both cases are true in the over all big picture of things. It all depends upon the D/s dynamics and mindsets of people involved in that relationship.

Is it really that big of a deal if a slave owns or does not own anything, compared to does the relationship work or not work for both people. As long as it's working for the people involved is what counts the most.

Relationships are built upon a desire to be with one another for (insert whatever personal motivations and reasons).


(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 6:31:17 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		~~Fast Reply~~
 
Happiness. 
It does not matter if the relationship is platonic or intimate, casual or intense, D/s or not.  If both or all parties are happy with the other person or persons, then the link remains strong.  Every couple, / friend /
group will make their own decisions about what it is that makes and keeps them happy.  If that is lost and can’t be fixed, the relationship probably will not endure.


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 7:17:43 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

~~Fast Reply~~
 
Happiness. 
It does not matter if the relationship is platonic or intimate, casual or intense, D/s or not.  If both or all parties are happy with the other person or persons, then the link remains strong.  Every couple, / friend /
group will make their own decisions about what it is that makes and keeps them happy.  If that is lost and can’t be fixed, the relationship probably will not endure.



this is an interesting opinion, catize. i must admit that no relationship of any kind in my life has ever been based on or built upon happiness. that is among the very least of what i seek or need from a relationship.

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 8:33:39 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		In a completely different context, someone I know said, "He's perfect for me if he has everything I need, some of the things I want, and I can cope with his imperfections." I think it applies to some extent to our search for the right person as well.

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: ~A Relationship is built on .......~ - 9/29/2009 10:18:53 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I understand that the concept of happiness, while living your life the way you feel it should be lived, is foreign to you, Prop.  But it is not a strange idea or ideal for most other people. 
Generally, people strive to find situations and relationships that are favorable for/to them.  Although not always true, a great many of us also care about the things which please the people we know.  That potentially creates mutual happiness. 
As a rule, when two people are happy, content, and glad to have the other in their life, they will stay together.  However, as the saying goes; there is always the exception which proves any rule.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 60
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