Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2

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Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 4:48:20 PM

lovingpet

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I still wanted to explore this concept, but without the extraneous bits of personal stuff tainting things. My questions remain the same. Where does the balance lie for you? What circumstance can take what is normally perceived as good and turn it bad? How does it affect your relationships, especially those with a power exchange dynamic?

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 4:59:58 PM

CaringandReal

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I'm not completely sure I understand your question (apparently, I missed the other thread you mention) but in a bdsm relationship, I like being taken for granted by the dominant. It says to me that he can let down his guard and relax around me, he doesnt feel he has to constantly praise me or making me feel good or even act consistently in order to keep me interested, and that makes me feel great, as it denotes intimacy, comfortableness, and closeness. He trusts me enough to be himself around me. And it also makes me feel more slave-like and less like the center of the universe which I also really like. I'm an electron, not a nucleus, so I don't appreciate being treated like a nucleus. Of course, once in a while a "good girl" is really nice, but if it's kept rare and occasional, it also remains special. :)

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:03:57 PM

littlewonder

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When my needs are not being met then I feel as if I'm being taken for granted.

Sometimes though life gets in the way in relationships and people become preoccupied. It's those times when everyone just needs to communicate and let the other become aware of how they are feeling.

If at that point you still feel as if you are unappreciated it's time to start asking yourself whether you are asking too much of the other person or if that person is just way too self absorbed.

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:04:44 PM

lovingpet

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Actually, you nailed my question exactly. Some people really get off on either the praise or the taken for granted thing. For some people it is a mix and in some areas they really need and thrive on the praise whereas in others the last thing they want is recognition. I just noticed for myself that there are times when I do things and it goes completely unnoticed and it angers me greatly and other times when I really don't want any thanks because I don't feel like I did anything worthy of it at all. I was just interested to see what others' take were on this.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:08:23 PM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

When my needs are not being met then I feel as if I'm being taken for granted.

Sometimes though life gets in the way in relationships and people become preoccupied. It's those times when everyone just needs to communicate and let the other become aware of how they are feeling.

If at that point you still feel as if you are unappreciated it's time to start asking yourself whether you are asking too much of the other person or if that person is just way too self absorbed.

I agree, at least when one person needs to feel appreciated. The thrust here is that I know that some do, some don't, some it will depend on what area or the circumstances surrounding it. I also think it is a huge factor when it comes to compatability.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:22:40 PM

NuevaVida

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When I am taken for granted I become depressed. I have been in relationships where I was mostly taken for granted, and if there was appreciation, I did not see it or feel it. After awhile, I start to wither.

I have not felt taken for granted in my relationship now. And it's not that he's constantly praising me or showering kudos; it's just the way he is with me - the way he talks to me or looks at me, and the way he considers me - that the question of overall appreciation never comes into play for me. If that question ever does come up, I would bring it to him immediately so we could work through it, or so I could understand his thinking.

But to mostly feel unappreciated - I don't want to go through that again.

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:26:13 PM

leadership527

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For us appreciation is good. More of it is better. I don't fully understand it, but I suspect the being taken for granted thing relates to humiliation which again doesn't play for us. She's my wife and the woman I love who just happens to obey me which makes her all that more special.

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:27:09 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Where does the balance lie for you? What circumstance can take what is normally perceived as good and turn it bad? How does it affect your relationships, especially those with a power exchange dynamic?

the balance lies in the place He determines. while i understand the reference point you're utilizing, preconceived ideas have a way of ruining things. one of the most difficult aspects of living as property is abandoning previous behavior and manners of thinking. the learning curve is sharp and there are going to be a host of hurt feelings and misinterpretations. the responses i may wish for may not be forthcoming and the ones i never anticipated may be laid in my lap. not knowing in this manner is oddly refreshing, but can be frustrating as well i'll confess.

if i'm His property i'm going to take the bitter with the sweet and look at the composite picture rather than nitpick the details. what makes me His aren't the moments that i'm comfortable and feeling well cared for, but the low points that leave me saddened and filled with despair, wrestling with my fears and emotions. standing still and trusting in His hand during these instances provide a sense of real appreciation from both ends.

while i respect the need some have in this regard, i trust that He will demonstrate His appreciation in the manner He deems best. for me it is better to surrender this desire and to welcome the expression with open arms when it is conveyed. it alleviates the hidden seeds of expectation, reduces anger, and diminishes the false sense of entitlement this ideology can create.

porcelaine

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:49:33 PM

lovingpet

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Are there ever times for you when you feel like you just don't want or need that affirmation?

My partner is much the same as yours in that he simply happy with me in my totality such that the rest of it only serve to expand his pleasure. He doesn't have to say a word most of the time, but he also knows when the words are particularly precious. In the end, he simply knows me, loves what he knows, and how to keep me at my optimum.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 5:55:12 PM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

For us appreciation is good. More of it is better. I don't fully understand it, but I suspect the being taken for granted thing relates to humiliation which again doesn't play for us. She's my wife and the woman I love who just happens to obey me which makes her all that more special.

For some I'm sure it has to do with humiliation. I don't think it is always the case, however. Do you think there's a difference between taken for granted and unspoken appreciation? Oh, and could you discuss it on the other side? How does appreciation play into your dynamic as a dominant? The discussion so far has been more or less focused on the submissive feeling appreciated or taken for granted, but I believe it can affect things the other way too. Some may require to experience appreciation from their submissive while others may take comfort it the fact that their control is so understood as to not meet with some kind of notice.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:00:47 PM

kallisto

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Are there ever times for you when you feel like you just don't want or need that affirmation?

My partner is much the same as yours in that he simply happy with me in my totality such that the rest of it only serve to expand his pleasure. He doesn't have to say a word most of the time, but he also knows when the words are particularly precious. In the end, he simply knows me, loves what he knows, and how to keep me at my optimum.

lovingpet

I think you said it quite well lovingpet.

I've never been much on words .. especially if they throw me or something I've done in the limelight .. whether it be just the two of us or in front of other people. In the same token, I don't like feeling unappreciated either. But I don't expect it either. There are more ways to show appreciation or take notice. The look in his eyes or the smile on his face or pulling me in to wrap his arms around me.

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:05:13 PM

lovingpet

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I think it is worth noting that at no time have I ever been upset by a lack of appreciation from my partner. It tends to happen in other relationships, however. Like I have discussed, it tends to be more understood than spoken. On the occasions where he does express appreciation to me, I have a bit of a hard time. I was just being me and doing what I do. It didn't feel so special and yet it meant a great deal to him, so I accept it with grace. In other relationships, I don't have a sense of being accepted the way I am with him, so often hard things going unnoticed will bring up resentment.

My partner knows how to balance things though. He knows some things are harder for me than others and encourages me in those things. He chooses, however. I have had some of those areas change with time and he has been able to flow along with it. There are things that I used to nearly wilt without praise that are now second nature. There are others that have grown more difficult with time and his words lift me up. He offers them where he sees the need. I think the utter lack of needing them is what makes them all the more special when they do occur. I know how he feels and he doesn't have to speak, but in a given instance he decided to go the extra step. It really does encourage, inspire, and challenge me in a way that I don't think I can quite explain.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:06:49 PM

kiwisub12

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In my relationship, i sometimes feel very one sided, because my Sir expresses his appreciation frequently- thanking me for dinner, telling me to quit cleaning (not that i need that repeated - lol) and rest. I seem not to do the appreciation back to him.

I think he gets a lot of his warm fuzzys from reading what i write on cm. It is easier for me to write about our relationship than it is for me to sit down with him and talk about it.

Anyway, back to me! I love his appreciation - the verbal ones as well as the non-verbal - the pinches, the pats and the hugs. They reassure me that i am on the right path, that what i am doing is what he wants and needs from me. I don't like to think of myself as needy, but in this, i am.

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:10:02 PM

lovingpet

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Exactly! And it goes the other way too. He has said he knows how much I appreciate him by just how I relax and let go in his arms. He was commenting on hugging me after a long time apart. He said I was so spun up and stiff and I just melted into him in that hug. It means a lot to him that I enjoy my place with him so much. The fact that being with him is such a relief speaks volumes to him that my words never could.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:18:28 PM

lovingpet

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You brought out an interesting point. It isn't all about that it is conveyed, but that each understand how it is conveyed. People do this in different ways and some people can handle expressions that are different from their own and others it is like a totally foreign language and they get nothing out of it even though it is communicated over and over again.

Mostly, for me, it is about congruency. If your words say one thing and your actions say another, I doubt the positive and become insecure about the negative. I can understand many means of expressing appreciation. What I can't understand walking and talking in different directions.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:20:52 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Are there ever times for you when you feel like you just don't want or need that affirmation?

There have been times he has been appreciative of things that I figured were simply my place to do, and not worth noting. But his appreciation for all of it goes such a long way, and I appreciate him that much more, in turn.

It's kinda sappy sweet in a sick but fun sorta way, lol.

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:25:29 PM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Are there ever times for you when you feel like you just don't want or need that affirmation?

There have been times he has been appreciative of things that I figured were simply my place to do, and not worth noting. But his appreciation for all of it goes such a long way, and I appreciate him that much more, in turn.

It's kinda sappy sweet in a sick but fun sorta way, lol.

LOL!!! You are as bad as us! He did this to me yesterday. He thanked me for wanting to do something he didn't allow me to do. I took it in stride at the time, but I cried later because I didn't feel like I really deserved such praise over something I hadn't even done. It felt good, but hurt at the same time. Just gotta lurvs em! Even if it does get a little sickening sweet on occasion

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:32:01 PM

NuevaVida

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He wouldn't let me do his laundry last weekend. I sat there like...wha??? As though he had taken something away from me. Oh brother!

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:34:42 PM

lovingpet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

He wouldn't let me do his laundry last weekend. I sat there like...wha??? As though he had taken something away from me. Oh brother!

LOL!!!! Yup! Did he also thank you for planning to do it too? My gracious! You'd thought he'd ripped my guts out, but it was adorable nonetheless! I'm right there with ya on this.

lovingpet

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RE: Appreciation vs. Taken for Granted Take 2 - 10/16/2009 6:36:42 PM

NuevaVida

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LOL yes, he did. And then he kissed me on the nose.

OK, back to your regularly programmed thread, but thanks for the giggles

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