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RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/27/2009 6:14:38 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		First off, I'm glad you brought that up so I can clarify. I want to be crystal clear: I was in no way asking about children being involved in any of this. I was asking, from a Dominant's perspective/experience, do you think the personality type permeates the way one deals with children in a family?

For example, people who like to travel are often very open to trying new things, like new foods. While there is no law that says the two things have to come together, they are both usually the mark of a semi-adventurous spirit, someone who seeks variety and copes a little better with change than those who prefer the same routine, day-in and day-out. Chances are if you can't find even one thing that looks appealing to you on a Chinese menu,  you aren't going to seek out and enjoy a trip to China. Your overall temperament just won't allow it.

I'm glad to see that most people seem to think there is no connection between the two in the case of family life. I was asking about temperament, but if you think there is even the smallest chance that anyone at all will read this and and get some kind of ... satisfaction... from the subject alone, then let's take that piece of the discussion out of public view immediately. Thank you for the heads up! Forget I asked. It's something I'll bring up in private, if at all from now on.

As far as my current man, yes, I have hinted. I got him to the point where he has no problems giving me a few swats on the behind because he can see how much it turns me on, and he does get turned on while doing it. He stops and rubs constantly. After almost 3 years, last month, I was able to tell him that I'd rather he didn't stop. In the past he has said he feels bad for me and that his hand hurts. I got him to use a ping pong paddle once or twice but the only thing he really liked about it was that it didn't make his hand hurt and he only gave me maybe 5 swats with it before he wanted to stop. He never takes it out of the drawer on his own.

I don't think there is any way in the world he would understand how I want him to keep going, how I want him to bring me to tears and not flinch, and why I think that's OK. I'm not sure myself why I want that, or why I think that's OK. That makes it hard to explain to someone else. I really don't think I could stand the rejection of opening up knowing there's a very good chance he's going to pity me for who I am. I don't want to push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable anymore than I want to keep being bored with our kind of intimacy. Putting so much work into trying to get him to take the lead is kind-of against my nature. It's not a turn-on to see him have to try so hard. I know what it's like to have to try to get turned on by something that's less-then what you really want. I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see how making him into the one who bites-his-tongue will make our relationship any better. 

Do you think there is anything more that I should try to see if maybe he's hiding a Dom deep down inside? Maybe there's an easier way to get him to take control and enjoy it. Did I miss something? If so, I'm all ears.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/27/2009 8:17:08 AM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:


I don't think there is any way in the world he would understand how I want him to keep going, how I want him to bring me to tears and not flinch, and why I think that's OK. I'm not sure myself why I want that, or why I think that's OK. That makes it hard to explain to someone else. I really don't think I could stand the rejection of opening up knowing there's a very good chance he's going to pity me for who I am. I don't want to push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable anymore than I want to keep being bored with our kind of intimacy. Putting so much work into trying to get him to take the lead is kind-of against my nature. It's not a turn-on to see him have to try so hard. I know what it's like to have to try to get turned on by something that's less-then what you really want. I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see how making him into the one who bites-his-tongue will make our relationship any better.


This brings back not so good memories of my marriage. I tried to get my ex-husband to go along, try bondage, spankings, etc. He would half heartedly give it a try, but it did nothing for him or me. In the long run I needed someone who wanted to participate in the kinky side of life, and it wasn't in his nature. Beside that, I had way more control in the rest of our lives than I wanted, and it made me feel uneasy.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/27/2009 12:38:24 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Are you a lot happier now? Do you have any regrets?

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch

quote:


I don't think there is any way in the world he would understand how I want him to keep going, how I want him to bring me to tears and not flinch, and why I think that's OK. I'm not sure myself why I want that, or why I think that's OK. That makes it hard to explain to someone else. I really don't think I could stand the rejection of opening up knowing there's a very good chance he's going to pity me for who I am. I don't want to push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable anymore than I want to keep being bored with our kind of intimacy. Putting so much work into trying to get him to take the lead is kind-of against my nature. It's not a turn-on to see him have to try so hard. I know what it's like to have to try to get turned on by something that's less-then what you really want. I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see how making him into the one who bites-his-tongue will make our relationship any better.


This brings back not so good memories of my marriage. I tried to get my ex-husband to go along, try bondage, spankings, etc. He would half heartedly give it a try, but it did nothing for him or me. In the long run I needed someone who wanted to participate in the kinky side of life, and it wasn't in his nature. Beside that, I had way more control in the rest of our lives than I wanted, and it made me feel uneasy.

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/27/2009 2:55:15 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

I’m trying to see if I can realistically live the bdsm lifestyle. I have some questions and I am curious to hear what a master thinks first-hand. Before I get to that though, I do want to say that as I read, I become more and more enamored with the principles that seem to lie at the core of dominant thinking-


I wrote a detailed reply to this last night but my ISP went down and I lost all of it (and man, did that suck). I’ll try and re-create it.


quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I notice most dominants say they will take care of their subs. I have a career. Would I be expected to give it up?  As a matter of fact, I work in HR and you can see why I would want to keep things discreet. Is that a problem? Does a master expect more than that?


Some Dominants are looking for a live-in slave. Some are looking for a submissive partner. There is no one-size-fits-all Dom. The BDSM community is hugely varied. While some Doms may have an issue with their sub working, it’s not uncommon for two people to work, nor is it unusual for someone not to want their personal lifestyle choices to be bandied about in the office. Dual wager-earner households are probably more the norm than the exception. Having a good job and a good career and wanting it to stay that way shouldn’t be a problem for most.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
In line with being discreet, I’m not comfortable with the idea of posting my pic, having pictures taken or being seen in public less than fully dressed. Is that a turn-off?


While some Doms, subs and/or couples are excited by and into public play – others are not. I don’t think the issue for you is so much that this or that is beyond the pale or out of bounds, it’s more finding a Dom with whom you’re compatible. Nothing you’re saying should make that difficult.

Many people don’t post a picture. CM allows users to filter their searches only to people who have posted a picture and I know a lot of people who use this feature, so I would recommend posting a pic. It doesn’t have to be revealing or clearly identify you, but people are much more interested in viewing a profile where they have some idea of what the poster looks like. It’s possible to crop or Photoshop an image to give some idea of your appearance without giving away your identity – the site is certainly rife with examples if you look (I do this myself since I don’t particularly want someone from work identifying me off the internet).

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I’m into men and I’m not sexually attracted to women at all. Is it unrealistic to expect one-on-one interactions (or at least interactions without other women present)?


Again, people vary. Some Doms are polyamorous or excited by multiple partners. Some are strictly monogamous. I don’t believe it’s unrealistic at all to find someone interested in a purely one-on-one interaction.

The BDSM community is just as varied as the regular dating community. If you meet some guy in a bar or at a club, you have to take the time to interact and develop a sense of each other’s interests and desires. CM is no different.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I notice that some profiles fail to comment on this at all, but the ones that do comment on the subject of children all seem to say that they are out of the question. Is that common? I’m not sure if I can, or want to, have children but I am curious if this is a trend or just specific to the profiles that I happened to look at today.


I know any number of Doms, subs and couples with children. If you wander through the posts in these forums, you’ll see that people refer to their kids quite frequently. Some Doms don’t want children. Some Doms don’t want children right now. Some Doms want kids. Some Doms want lots of kids. Again, the trick is to match your needs and wants to your prospective Dom’s.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I guess that’s everything. I’m sure the way to start off a dom/sub relationship is not with a list of demands on the my part. Some of the items above may be are negotiable. I just want a clear picture of what I might be getting myself in to.


Starting off with a list of demands is probably not a good idea. Being ready to and wanting to discuss what it is you’re looking for, what you find exciting, and what is off limits for you at the start of a relationship is a good way to start. If a Dom isn’t willing to talk about his interests, his lifestyle, or what he’s looking for it’s probably a warning sign that any relationship isn’t going to go well.

Understanding what it is you want, what you’re comfortable with and what works for you, and then looking for a partner who matches that is the best road to success that I can think of.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I’ve been fantasizing about being spanked, paddled, tied up and told exactly what to do as long as I can remember. I’ve never had an orgasm without my mind playing out such a scene…


Obviously you’ve come to the right place. Being hesitant or shy when entering a new environment is perfectly normal. Take the time to look around and feel your way through things. Don’t hesitate to ask questions if you don’t know something or something doesn’t make sense – all the intelligent people do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it turns out that I have too many inhibitions to make a master happy. If you’re still reading, thank you for your time and please let me know what you think.


I think you’ll fit right in. BDSM runs all the way from wild extremes to subtle interactions. As long as you’re open, honest and interested the odds are you’ll make friends and likely a whole lot more. Just brace yourself for the tidal wave of idiots who will barrage your profile and don’t get discouraged when most of the mail in your inbox is one-liners and rude commentary.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I was asking, from a Dominant's perspective/experience, do you think the personality type permeates the way one deals with children in a family?


It can but I don’t think it necessarily has to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
Chances are if you can't find even one thing that looks appealing to you on a Chinese menu,  you aren't going to seek out and enjoy a trip to China. Your overall temperament just won't allow it.


You mean I can’t order a pizza on the Great Wall of China!?

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
I don't think there is any way in the world he would understand how I want him to keep going, how I want him to bring me to tears and not flinch, and why I think that's OK. I'm not sure myself why I want that, or why I think that's OK. That makes it hard to explain to someone else. I really don't think I could stand the rejection of opening up knowing there's a very good chance he's going to pity me for who I am. I don't want to push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable anymore than I want to keep being bored with our kind of intimacy. Putting so much work into trying to get him to take the lead is kind-of against my nature. It's not a turn-on to see him have to try so hard. I know what it's like to have to try to get turned on by something that's less-then what you really want. I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see how making him into the one who bites-his-tongue will make our relationship any better. 

Do you think there is anything more that I should try to see if maybe he's hiding a Dom deep down inside? Maybe there's an easier way to get him to take control and enjoy it. Did I miss something? If so, I'm all ears.


Accepting who you are, and what you like, and what works for you is something I think everyone on the planet has to go through at one time or another. I’ve known people who fought their desires for years and spent a lot of time frustrated and unhappy. I think at some level everyone wants acceptance. Wants to be seen and known for who they are and be accepted and loved for that and not in spite of that.

The unfortunate corollary to that is that you can’t make someone be someone they’re not. I would expect that after three years if he had any sort of “hidden Dom” inside it would have surfaced by now. I’m not going to make definitive statements about people I’ve never even met but in your own words, you’ve “never had an orgasm without my mind playing out such a scene” - it’s tough for guys to hide when they find something really exciting and if he’d been secretly fantasizing about Dominating someone since he was twelve or something then your expressing an interest in certain activities should have met with an eager response.

I’m a big believer in honesty and communication. Talk about this with him. Discuss your interests and your needs. Express that it’s not a minor interest or something that mildly enhances your experience but that it’s the driver for your experience. I don’t believe that happiness can be found hiding profoundly powerful and intimate things from your partner nor in leading a “secret life” that is outside the boundaries that have been set for a relationship.

Incompatibilities along these lines don’t get better for being ignored or pushed aside and allowed to grow over time.

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/27/2009 6:18:20 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

Are you a lot happier now? Do you have any regrets?

quote:

ORIGINAL: whiteslavebitch

quote:


I don't think there is any way in the world he would understand how I want him to keep going, how I want him to bring me to tears and not flinch, and why I think that's OK. I'm not sure myself why I want that, or why I think that's OK. That makes it hard to explain to someone else. I really don't think I could stand the rejection of opening up knowing there's a very good chance he's going to pity me for who I am. I don't want to push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable anymore than I want to keep being bored with our kind of intimacy. Putting so much work into trying to get him to take the lead is kind-of against my nature. It's not a turn-on to see him have to try so hard. I know what it's like to have to try to get turned on by something that's less-then what you really want. I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see how making him into the one who bites-his-tongue will make our relationship any better.


This brings back not so good memories of my marriage. I tried to get my ex-husband to go along, try bondage, spankings, etc. He would half heartedly give it a try, but it did nothing for him or me. In the long run I needed someone who wanted to participate in the kinky side of life, and it wasn't in his nature. Beside that, I had way more control in the rest of our lives than I wanted, and it made me feel uneasy.



Yes, I'm much happier these days. My marriage killed any self esteem I had going into it.
I stayed much too long, I couldn't see my way out of it for a long time. Finally getting my head on straight, separating from my ex, getting therapy to help my self esteem all made it possible for me to make better decisions for myself.

I regret letting myself be talked into staying with him as long as I did, I have other more personal regrets about some of my actions towards the end of my marriage. I don't have any regrets about getting into an M/s relationship. I thought long and hard about it before committing to it.

< Message edited by whiteslavebitch -- 10/27/2009 6:23:46 PM >

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/27/2009 7:51:05 PM   
alittleevil


Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline

Hello,
I'm not a master or dominant in any way, but i know one quite well ;-). Hope you don't mind my response.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious
What I’ve been reading has grabbed my attention more than I thought it would and the lifestyle seems a much healthier choice than I ever would have imaged it to be. There are a few things that I would have to give some serious thought to though:

-I notice most dominants say they will take care of their subs. I have a career. Would I be expected to give it up?  As a matter of fact, I work in HR and you can see why I would want to keep things discreet. Is that a problem? Does a master expect more than that?


That question is something that only any given master in question can answer. Many submissive partners, and many slaves, are employed. Some by choice, some by necessity. Discretion is also up to the people involved.  There are certainly discrete options in collars, jewelries, markings, etc.  Some of us don't even wear collars around our necks often at all. So, not being able to be "out" at work is often easily worked-around when that is a share concern.

quote:

-In line with being discreet, I’m not comfortable with the idea of posting my pic, having pictures taken or being seen in public less than fully dressed. Is that a turn-off?


Suggestions: take a picture that is tasteful  and alluring but doesn't show your face. Cover it with your hair, or a scarf or a veil, or only show yourself from the back.  Reserve sharing your face pics until you're comfortable with someone after a message or two. Not everyone plays, or displays, publicly.

quote:

-I’m into men and I’m not sexually attracted to women at all. Is it unrealistic to expect one-on-one interactions (or at least interactions without other women present)?


Many dominant men are monogamous. Many aren't. Hopefully the ones who are not will be honest with you about it up front so you can avoid them.

quote:

-I notice that some profiles fail to comment on this at all, but the ones that do comment on the subject of children all seem to say that they are out of the question.


Perhaps these people are simply giving notice of the fact that they do not engage with the unconsenting?? Given the way you worded it, i am betting that this is the case in those profiles, more so than that they themselves do not want children in their families.  As for that, that's as individualized as it is among any group of people.

quote:

Is that common? I’m not sure if I can, or want to, have children but I am curios if this is a trend or just specific to the profiles that I happened to look at today. If I eventually wound up having children, is there any chance in the world I would meet a dom who doesn’t believe in physical punishment when it comes to children? I know how hypocritical that sounds, but I think adults should pick on people their own size.


It has not been my experience that those involved in SM or D/s are any more likely to parent in ways that involve corporal discipline than any other subset of the population. It doesn't sound hypocritical, it sounds like your values with regard to parenting.

quote:

I guess that’s everything. I’m sure the way to start off a dom/sub relationship is not with a list of demands on the my part. Some of the items above may be are negotiable. I just want a clear picture of what I might be getting myself in to.


Except for the tastes some of us share in the bedroom or in our relationship dynamics, nothing about looking for a partner among those who share your tastes is any different than regular people getting to know people stuff.  Not starting off with a list of demands is good :-), but don't neglect to involve your values and wishes in the conversation as it goes along.

quote:

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it turns out that I have too many inhibitions to make a master happy.


Honestly? Let the masters take care of themselves in this regard.  If a prospective master is the kind of man/master who can release your inhibitions in these and other matters, then he will do it on his own terms in his own way.  Just be honest and be yourself. Try not to get in your own way by imposing a lot of preset expectations about what "dominants" and "submissives" all do :-).

quote:

I don't think there is any way in the world he would understand how I want him to keep going, how I want him to bring me to tears and not flinch, and why I think that's OK. I'm not sure myself why I want that, or why I think that's OK. That makes it hard to explain to someone else. I really don't think I could stand the rejection of opening up knowing there's a very good chance he's going to pity me for who I am. I don't want to push him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable anymore than I want to keep being bored with our kind of intimacy. Putting so much work into trying to get him to take the lead is kind-of against my nature. It's not a turn-on to see him have to try so hard. I know what it's like to have to try to get turned on by something that's less-then what you really want. I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see how making him into the one who bites-his-tongue will make our relationship any better. 

Do you think there is anything more that I should try to see if maybe he's hiding a Dom deep down inside? Maybe there's an easier way to get him to take control and enjoy it. Did I miss something? If so, I'm all ears.


Oh dear, i'm another for whom this brings back some painful memories and a lot of empathy for what you are feeling. I wish i could find you some magic "dom-dust" for sprinkling, because it seems like you care for your current partner deeply. But every word you just wrote, sadly, would seem to indicate that in this, you all are not fundamentally compatible. :-(. It happens. I'm sorry.  It isn't much consolation, but, finding a truly compatible partner will eventually be far less painful than keeping a relationship going in which you have to be less than your real selves.

Wishing you well,
aj


_____________________________

Throw me to the wolves because there's order in the pack (RHCP)

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 1:53:31 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for the detailed responses. I do really care for the man I am currently with. I even feel pretty bad about creating this profile and taking things this far without him knowing. I've always thought life is much simpler when your honest and upfront, even in difficult situations. If you don't want to be with someone anymore, you should have the respect to just tell them that. In the past, i've never really had patients for anyone who thought differently. Now, I'm thinking more that I owe it to myself (and him) to be sure of what I want before I go and say something that I can't take back. I've never really thought this way before, and while I don't feel good about it, I have to say I don't feel that bad about dwindling in this gray area either.

A close family member got very sick a few months ago and I left our home to be with my family during this time and ever since then it's been becoming more and more clear to me that, as stated above, we are fundamentally mismatched. I think the distance gave me some perspective. I feel terrible too because he's been very supportive. I also feel like I know all too well that life is too short to let this drag on. My friends and family (who have no idea what I fantasize about) are all telling me that I'm numb and now isn't the time to make any major life changes. So, I haven't broken things off yet because with the laundry list of other problems going on in my life now, I really don't think it's time for me to start dating anyway. (Frankly, I would advise a male friend to stay away from someone with all the issues that I have going on. Even though I have no plans to focus on those things in conversation, they're bound to come up eventually.) So I'm sitting here and making excuses like, I'm not going to attempt to meet anyone else because I want to lose weight first, and find a new place to live and a new job, etc. so I might as well stay in my current relationship and see if something changes in the meantime...

When I finally put those thoughts in writing and reread them it seems pretty obvious that I'm dragging my feet. I mean, yes, my friends and family have a point. I am going through a particularly rough time lately. Yes, life got hard... but I didn't somehow get stupid in the process. I know what I want. I guess I need to act on it.

(in reply to alittleevil)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 7:06:07 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		hmm, well it sounds to me that you know what to do. Keep in mind that this man, whom you say has been supportive of you, is a living breathing person who has emotions and feelings. Regardless of his status, Dom, sub, vanilla, he is entitled to know where he stands in the picture so that he can make his own decisions.

Who knows, he may wait around for you to make up your mind, or perhaps not. Fair is fair. Personal problems don't give us the right to string someone along.

Just my two cents.

Aramis

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 10:04:05 AM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Ouch. I have to say it stung a little to hear you say I'm stringing him along. Don't get me wrong, it's the perspective that I need and thank you for that. I think the people who are concerned about me can't stand to see me take another hit. (Sometimes I think they are hurting almost as much as I am just by looking in.)  I can see that they are focusing on what they think would be excusable right now, and they are in no way holding me to the standard of the person I want to be.

To be fair to myself though, I should explain that I have had 2 very serious, tearful conversations with him where I explained that I don't feel as close to him as I used to. I told him that right after I left, my ideal desire would have been for him to find a job closer to NY so that we could get a house together and not be too far from my family. I told him I'm having doubts now. He's not much of a talker and 5 months apart hasn't exactly helped. I told him I despise being committed to someone so far away. I don't think it's healthy. I let him know that now, I am concerned that even if the job fairy appeared and granted him his dream job right next door, I would be very worried about him giving up his current job to move closer to me when I'm not sure I'm the same person I was 6 months ago and I can't promise that I think I'm sure we can make it work. I ended both conversations by telling him I think he'd be happier if he tried to see other people.
He said he didn't want that. I did give him the choice, twice.

I don't want to lose him completely and I know if I push it, there's a good chance he will say he doesn't want to be with me if I am seeing other people. I get the impression that's where the limit is with him, and I understand that. I have not started seeing anyone else. I have no plans to cheat on him and no plans to start dating in the immediate future.

From a clearer, outside perspective, does it sound like I sugar-coated it? If I'm not yet committed to walking away from him completely, do you think I owe him more of an explanation? I think I've been open with him. I do care very much about his feelings and I want to do this right. If you disagree, please tell me.


(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 10:15:44 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		Well I am glad you found it a bit painful to hear, but even after I read your last post, my opinion of this situation hasn't changed. Personally, you tell him five months ago that you want him to move to New York and get a job there, now you are questioning whether you want him at all? Thank God he hasn't done what you suggested. If he doesn't have anyone in New York, then what support structure would he have after you finally decided you didn't want him?

I am not going to sugar coat this for you but here is what you said in your very first post:

quote:

I’m bored as can be with the sex in my “normal” relationship. He’s a great guy and yet I’m still not happy at all with the dynamic. I have a strong desire to please and to be with someone who can take control and doesn’t think there is something sad about that.


You need to make up your mind, do you want this supportive loving man who just isn't into our lifestyle or not? Simple. No shade of gray here. Be fair to him and to yourself. Everything you said indicates this relationship is over. Why are you putting him through this as well as yourself?

You know what is right. The questions becomes do you have the courage to do it?

Aramis

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 11:12:57 AM   
Passion8Kisser


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/5/2009
Status: offline 		Just leave him, you will both be happier once you realize how much fun you weren't having together. It is not good in a relationship to not talk, to share ideas, feelings, plans.  Also if you aren't happy, and have already expressed this, and he isn't releasing you to find happiness, that seems stingy to me.

It is hard living in a relationship that just isn't working. I have been there, as I am sure many more than those who spoke out on here have been. Especially if you are just dating, get out before anyone gets more committed to the relationship.

Good luck finding what you need.




(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 1:01:54 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterAramis

You need to make up your mind, do you want this supportive loving man who just isn't into our lifestyle or not? Simple.

Aramis


Aramis,

I can be humble enough to admit when I'm lacking in life experience and I think your life experience is letting you see this situation as more simple than I am capable of realizing at this point. Above, you're telling me to make up my mind about whether I want someone who is in to "our" lifestyle. Please remember that until yesterday, I was convinced I was going to get 100 replies telling me that this lifestyle isn't for me. I expected I may be laughed at for being so prudish and to be told I could never make a true dom happy. I'm still half-expecting a reply like that. I'm still thinking that there are quite a few of you who are just being nice.

I'm flattered that so many people who have been-there and done-that are so convinced that this is where I belong because of what I wrote. What may be crystal clear to you is still very new to me.

I thought I was doing the right thing by taking this slow and trying to make sure I understand how things work before deciding if I want to change my life. While it may be obvious to you that I will be very happy in this lifestyle one day, please don't fault me for not impulsively throwing away a three year relationship without giving it some thought. When I talk to people who have been in long, healthy relationships they tell me that that they can remember a period of months or even a year, when things got very rough and thought of leaving because life had thrown some huge stessor at them. They rode it out and have pointed out that that's part of a mature relationship. So is accepting that no man is going to turn out to be made for you, there's a lot of compromise when you're in it for the long-haul.

Please understand that while I posted about being bored with our sex life on a bdsm board, there was also more to it. I was wrestling with whether or not we are incompatible or if I'm being flighty because things got hard. I'm 28. This is my longest relationship ever. I don't know all the things that you know about life. You may be able to make up your mind quickly about this, I can't funnel all of this through my mind as quickly as someone who has been there before.

Just to clear up a few facts, moving closer to NY has always been pat of the plan, since the day we met. He works in the construction industry and so you can imagine why the job offers weren't just pouring in. That in itself was a compromise. Ideally being in NY would work for me, but he is from the country and does not like it here. The plan was always to find a house in a more rural area in PA, NJ or CT. That way, he could be happy and I would be happy too. He has no support network where he lives in FL. Both of us had been "transplants" as the locals call us.

My brother got sick, I got on a plane and told him I'd be back that night. My brother's condition turned critical. I was here, alone, acting as the proxy, making life and death decisions for someone who had been in perfect health the day before. During the first month of pure hell, yes, I wished my boyfriend was here and that we were already living closer. After that things changed and I was honest with him about it. Aramis, I had no way of knowing I wouldn't miss him after that first month. I thought we were happy. I thought we were going to make a life together. I could not have anticipated that I would go through the worst time of my life and realize that I didn't need him to get through it. I had no way of knowing that once I realized I didn't need him I would start thinking that I might be better off without him all-together.  

You say "Thank God he hasn't done what you suggested" by moving to NY. I'm not sure about that. If he had been by my side through all of this it might have brought us closer together. I might have remained blissfully ignorant, albeit slightly unsatisfied with some aspects of our relationship. In the long run, we might both wind up better off because he never made it up here, but again that's not as crystal clear to me today as it might be to you.

Although at the moment I disagree with the fact that you think I should be able to make this decision speedily and with more ease, you have given me a lot to think about. Maybe I am just being weak. I've been through a lot. I sit here and wish tht he would call me and tell me he's met someone new. I know it's pathetic that I can't bear the thought of hurting him and I can't pull the trigger today. While it doesn't make it right, I know for sure that if the situation were reversed I would want him to think things through and I would forgive him for taking his time.

Thank you for your perspective.

(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 1:08:20 PM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		I appreciate the fact that have given me a lengthy explanation but time and time again I am pulled to the very first comment you made. Which I will quote again for a reminder:

quote:

I’m bored as can be with the sex in my “normal” relationship. He’s a great guy and yet I’m still not happy at all with the dynamic. I have a strong desire to please and to be with someone who can take control and doesn’t think there is something sad about that.


So if there is any truth to this, then yes in my mind it's pretty clear.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on you discernment process and hopefully things will work out for the best for the both of you.

Aramis

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 1:19:49 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Have you told him honestly that you do not enjoy sex with him?
No sugar coating, no hints. Just "I have never enjoyed sex with you unless I fantasize about being with someone else the entire time". Because you've had three years of bad sex. You're 28, are you willing to have 50 more years of bad sex?

You have to be blunt. Maybe you want to write him a letter so that he can't hang up the phone and change your words around in his head. A snail mail letter that sits on the counter and is the same every time he looks at it.

Because he deserves to know the truth. Just as you deserve to be with someone who sends you, so does he. And a woman who can't bear having sex with him unless she pretends she's with someone else is not a woman who thinks he's wonderful, just as he is. It will eventually come out. You can't live a lie for the next 50 years. Isn't it better to do it now?

Now with that said, the times I've asked to be spanked to tears I have always been turned down. He thinks by the time I ask for it, I'm passed the point of it doing much good. And that it's likely to cause me to melt down which he does not like to see. He's more likely to send me to bed at that point.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 1:36:17 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

I’m trying to see if I can realistically live the bdsm lifestyle. I have some questions and I am curious to hear what a master thinks first-hand. Before I get to that though, I do want to say that as I read, I become more and more enamored with the principles that seem to lie at the core of dominant thinking-

As I flip from profile to profile, I notice that the men on this site are very secure. They are not ashamed to say that they will take care of their subs and that they will be affectionate towards them. From the outside looking in, I’ve always known people who look at that as some kind of weakness and I guess I always thought it would be frowned upon for a dominant male to be so expressive. I’m glad to see it’s not. The mind games you want to play are not of an adolescent nature and so many of you have even specified that you prefer a woman who is intelligent. You’re bold enough to take control and bold enough to say what you really want. That’s earned my admiration.

What I’ve been reading has grabbed my attention more than I thought it would and the lifestyle seems a much healthier choice than I ever would have imaged it to be. There are a few things that I would have to give some serious thought to though:

-I notice most dominants say they will take care of their subs. I have a career. Would I be expected to give it up?  As a matter of fact, I work in HR and you can see why I would want to keep things discreet. Is that a problem? Does a master expect more than that?

-In line with being discreet, I’m not comfortable with the idea of posting my pic, having pictures taken or being seen in public less than fully dressed. Is that a turn-off?

-I’m into men and I’m not sexually attracted to women at all. Is it unrealistic to expect one-on-one interactions (or at least interactions without other women present)?

-I notice that some profiles fail to comment on this at all, but the ones that do comment on the subject of children all seem to say that they are out of the question. Is that common? I’m not sure if I can, or want to, have children but I am curios if this is a trend or just specific to the profiles that I happened to look at today. If I eventually wound up having children, is there any chance in the world I would meet a dom who doesn’t believe in physical punishment when it comes to children? I know how hypocritical that sounds, but I think adults should pick on people their own size.

I guess that’s everything. I’m sure the way to start off a dom/sub relationship is not with a list of demands on the my part. Some of the items above may be are negotiable. I just want a clear picture of what I might be getting myself in to.

I’ve been fantasizing about being spanked, paddled, tied up and told exactly what to do as long as I can remember. I’ve never has an orgasm without my mind playing out such a scene and I’m bored as can be with the sex in my “normal” relationship. He’s a great guy and yet I’m still not happy at all with the dynamic. I have a strong desire to please and to be with someone who can take control and doesn’t think there is something sad about that.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time if it turns out that I have too many inhibitions to make a master happy. If you’re still reading, thank you for your time and please let me know what you think.


I do not see any deal breakers in what you are asking for. It is just a matter of finding the right person, which can take time


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 1:58:10 PM   
PainfullyCurious


Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline 		Well, I haven't really spent all that time in bed fantasizing about other people, just about him doing other things to me. The sex is good enough, not bad at all. I guess I've never considered telling him that I think it's bad because I don't think it's bad, it's just less than my every fantasy. It's interesting to hear the perspective of someone who feels satisfied in every way. It's just something I never realistically expected to have, so I don't look at it as his failing, and so no, I have no desire to tell him that he's bad in bed. He is not.

I've had a few people tell me that there are things I need to be "honest" about. I agree that honesty is important. I need to make two points about that though:

1-There is a big difference in my head between my opinion, and my desires and what is right or good. If he had body odor, I would owe it to him to suck it up and tell him that's why I don't want to be with him. I would owe him that honesty so that so he could improve himself in the future. Telling him he's bad in bed because he doesn't satisfy my every fantasy is not honestly, it's egotism.

2- I agree that you owe a partner, honesty, yes, but not your complete and total vulnerability. (Maybe in the bdsm world, where people are very accepting, it's more practical for a dom to expect me to surrender that.) In any other relationship, or interaction though, it's the reason most people get hurt. They wore their heart on their sleeve for no good reason. (I'm already second guessing myself for having written so much today.) So, since I've hinted at what I would really like and my boyfriend didn't bite, I don't think I need to take it any further. I don't think I need to pour out my every fantasy to him knowing full well it will turn him off.

I'm intrigued by our different perspectives. Do you find that to be dishonest?

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 4:53:01 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So you think a good relationship is one where you live with someone until you're in your 80's and yet you can never reveal your vulnerabilities to him? Does that really appeal to you? Because to me it's sad, cold and lonely.

And I say that as someone who stayed in such a relationship for over 20 years. It was sad, it was cold and it was lonely as hell.

I was less lonely without a partner afterwards then I was while with him.

I would never again enter into such a relationship. I would stay on my own instead.

I do think that hinting at things with men doesn't work. They tend to be straight forward thinkers, not as attuned to hints. His lovemaking isn't bad, for someone who likes it that way. It is bad for you.

Now you do say he's willing to experiment but only to a point. Let me ask you if you've been submissive to lead him into dominance? When he does spank you just a little, do you respond happily? Do you tell him how hot it makes you when he does that? Do you send him texts about how you're fantasizing about it only harder and longer? Do you curl up naked on his lap and whisper in his ear how much you want him to do that to you before taking you hard?

Because remember, this is a good man you've described and good men are taught not to hit girls. For almost 30 years he's had it drummed into him that hitting girls is wrong. You need to be the girl who spends six months showing him it's right if it makes you both happier. That it's right if it's done consensually.

If you really like and admire him as a person, which you seem to. Then you need to take the lead in trying to get him over his discomfort. And part of that is that you need to submit to show him tht you want him to dominate. Which can be done by thanking for a spanking and begging for another. It can also be done by asking him to pick the dinner menu and thanking him for taking the burden of decision off your shoulders.

But you do need to tell him how much you need this. And suggest he comes here and learns about it for himself. Or get him The Loving Dominant to read. And make it clear that you aren't comfortable being the leader in the relationship, you need a good, strong man to follow.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to PainfullyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 5:55:32 PM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		DesFIP,

What you are talking about is training someone in action. While I would agree a man can be "trained" to do this, I don't think this is what she wants. A man cannot be trained to be Dominant. He either is or is not.

Society has already gotten their hooks in this man. He sounds like a good guy by vanilla standards. Heck I probably would even like him because he seems to have a caring personality, however I don't think what she is looking for is just a man who can be trained to do these things. She wants a man who feels his Dominance deep down within him with no help from her. It seems to me she wants a man who just is.

I don't know I could be reading the whole thing incorrectly, but whenever someone talks about training a man to be Dominant it sends a chill down my spine.

By the way, training a man to do something may not be the ideal situation either, it might make him quite unhappy as well.

Aramis

_____________________________

"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 7:46:34 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Training him to be dominant? No way. Giving him permission to be, yes. And that takes more than one time saying "I want you to spank me sometimes when we have sex". Because he's been trained not to hit females. And retraining, like learning to enjoy coffee without a cigarette takes a while.

But we aren't talking about dominance here, she doesn't say if he's dominant or not. If he prefers to make decisions or not. We're talking about kinky sex only. If he went around picking women up at bars and started beating on them, he'd wind up in jail sooner or later. What's the difference in doing it inside of a relationship? Consent. But it will take a while for him to get over his upbringing to feel comfortable doing this to someone who wants it done. It's hard enough to get a guy to do this the first time when she does actively enjoy it, but she's talking about doing it harder. Possibly to a point of tears. And hitting women to make them cry is usually called abusive. So he needs time to learn that it isn't abusive if she likes it.

How can he know she likes it? By responding positively. Beyond that, she's talking about stuff he has no idea of. He's never read a bdsm book, never been on a website like this, yet she's expecting him to magically be a graduate in something he hasn't even had kindergarden in, so to speak. She's learning about it and going farther ahead every day and then being upset that he isn't at her level. If she loves him, then she owes him the decency of talking honestly with him about her needs, suggesting he learn about this, give him names of books and websites to look at, and then wait a bit while he thinks it over. He may have hidden desires for this which he's firmly repressed, he may not. But she won't know if she doesn't talk honestly.

She's made up her mind what he will think without asking him first. I think she's afraid he'll tell her she's sick. And that's a legitimate concern. But you don't throw away a solid and supportive relationship because you're afraid to tell the other person the truth, because you're cowardly. She owes him more than that.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MasterAramis)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Am I too shy for this? - 10/28/2009 8:04:42 PM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

Giving him permission to be


Well I would agree with some of what you say but no dominant man needs permission to be dominant, because dominance has nothing to do with the actions, whether sexual or not. A Dominant man just is.

Where I agree with you is that he would need permission to hit her to beat her if that is what she desired, but again that is an action.

As for her OP I didn't take her comments to be geared toward sex only. If I recall correctly she said something about a Man making decisions. My take on that was in and out of the bedroom. I will have to go back and reread it again as well as her subsequent comments.

Aramis

_____________________________

"He who would be a man must be a master. He who surrenders his mastery surrenders his manhood." - Players of Gor

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 40
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