quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

A few days ago, for the first time in my life, I was actually thinking of suicide. I very quickly came to my senses but that can't be a good sign. I will not be staying.  The first chance I have to rent a cheap room or get into a knowingly temporary relationship with someone who wants to help me out I will be out the door.

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

There are to many replies for me to respond to so let me just say thank you all for your posts.  I know that most of you who suggest I should stay in the relationship until I fix one thing or another are well-intentioned.

How long should I stay?  Five years, until I'm 57 years old.  And if more problems come up what then?  Stay longer?  Until I am 60?  I am hoping I have enough time in my life that I may be able to love one more person but I don't see how I can wait around for years for that to happen.

I have gotten some responses that seem to focus on who's to blame. The truth is I am to blame for letting it get so far, (As I said in my original post).

It was CarrieO that said (I'm not really sure what your expectations are in starting this thread.).  I have to say I am not sure why I did.  CarrieO also said (I hope you can let go of the bitterness you carry and learn from this experience.) and I think that's the only thing I can hope to learn here in this forum.

I know many of you think my profile sounds desperate.  Well dah!  Guess what, I'm a little desperate!  However I'm not so desperate as to make the same mistake again.  Some have also said that no Domme would have me.  You are all seeing me in my darkest hour.  There is a lot more here than you can see.  My posts have been rather gloomy and somber but that is not who I am.

I will recover from this.  I will let go of this bitterness.  I will find someone new.  I will succeed in building a new life.

Thank you all for your help...

quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
If you need to leave this marriage then please do so but don't do it by jumping into another relationship.

I think the above can be said of any relationship, whether in this lifestyle or not.

From experience, I can say that if one knows they need out, then it's time to do whatever is necessary to either preserve or restore their mental health as the case may be. A person has to do it for themself, not for someone else and no one can do it for them. IMO, relying on someone else to "catch you" when you depart a relationship is neither wise nor is it a healthy expectation to have.

For some, there simply may be no one to turn to anyway except perhaps their local kink community where they can find "family" and perhaps receive some emotional support; especially if they've been isolated and have no friends in the community. That was the situation I found myself in when it was time for me to leave. I'd not been permitted to be involved in the local community or have friends whom I could turn to. I suggest the OP do some reading on co-dependancy and perhaps he'll understand a bit more of why people are telling him not to jump into another relationship but instead to focus on letting go of the existing one.

Leaving a relationship after some years together can be a very scary and uncomfortable experience since it takes a person out of their comfort zone. It can also be a time of great personal growth. Its all a matter of how you choose to view it. I'm confident the Dommes on the board would agree that an emotionally strong and healthy submissive is far more attractive than a weak and needy one.

In your case, howahkan, you may temporarily need the help of others since you've been in a total power exchange where you've turned over control of all your finances and seem to be at a loss as to what to do. To help yourself find that, you may want to contact the NLA-I Domestic Violence Project at http://www.nlaidvproject.us/html/index.php for resources; not because you're in danger, but because it seems as though you may need some guidance and assistance while you extract yourself from your situation. They also have a hotline information number which is 1-816-984-3320.

I wish you well howahkan as you face the journey that lays before for you.

- pixel

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Oh now wait a minute. This man is not abused and has no reason to call a domestic abuse line or support group for help! If anyone has abused this man, it is himself. Just read his other post!

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

First of all let me say, I know this is all my fault. I feel bad enough already, I don't need a bunch of criticism. What I need is helpful information. I am new here so I apologize if I have posted this in the wrong group.

Ten years ago there were no cool web sites like FetLife or CollarMe. The only resource on the net for lifestylers was something called alt news groups. I searched for over a year and finely found a woman who said she was a switch and was willing to Dom me.

We communicated through the news group for a few weeks and then through email and phone calls for another two months before I relocated from Las Vegas to Denver. It was understood by both of us that I was to be the sub and she was to be the Dom.

I had been alone for five years so I asked her to marry me right away. The first year was great. We wrote up a contract and followed it. The second year I turned over all my finances to her. I did everything I was told. In fact she sometimes complained I never did anything to be punished for.

Then in the third year it happened, she asked me to Dom her. (Just this one time) she said. Caring for her deeply I said yes. Looking back I see this was my second mistake, the first was turning over my finances to her. Both of these things seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Over the next few years she asked me to Dom her more and more. By the seventh year I was Domming her more than she was Domming me. I started feeling very unfulfilled so I started talking to her about my feelings. I told her exactly how I felt, completely truthful. "I don't want to be a Dom, only a sub" I told her.

Although I am a masochist I am also submissive which means I am easily influenced by what other people want.  She told me she would be my domme.  My wife now wants me to dom her, even though she knows I am a total submissive.  She is asking for something I do not have to give.

I have sat her down over and over again and talked this out with her and she goes back to domming me, for a while, then, slowly, everything goes back to me domming her again. I want to live out the rest of my life as a submissive, NOT A DOM... But she just will not listen.

If this were not bad enough I just found out that all of are money is gone and we are twenty seven thousand dollars in debt. She has filed for debt consolidation and the only reason I found out is because I had to sign the papers also.

Now in our ninth year I finely said it "I am so very unhappy with me Domming you, No More." and she said, "If your so unhappy why don't you just leave?". Therefore I feel I have no choice but to leave even though I have no place to go.  It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I worst part is I feel guilty for being the one to leave. I still care about her and I do not want to hurt her but I do not see any other way out of this mess. I am so sorry for letting things get so far.

quote:


3. Although I am a masochist I am also submissive which means I am easily influenced by what other people want.  When we got married my wife told me she would be my domme.  My wife now wants me to dom her, even though she knows I am a total submissive.  She is asking for something I do not have to give.  I have sat her down over and over again and talked this out with her and she goes back to domming me, for a while, then, slowly, everything goes back to me domming her again.  I want to live out the rest of my life as a submissive, NOT A DOM... But she just will not listen.  Therefore I have no choice but to leave.  It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I love her and I do not want to hurt her but I only have a few good years left and I would like for someone to care about what I want.

quote:


I guess I want some magic way out of it but I know there is no good way out. A few days ago, for the first time in my life, I was actually thinking of suicide. I very quickly came to my senses but that can't be a good sign. I will not be staying.  The first chance I have to rent a cheap room or get into a knowingly temporary relationship with someone who wants to help me out I will be out the door.

quote:


I know many of you think my profile sounds desperate.  Well dah!  Guess what, I'm a little desperate!  However I'm not so desperate as to make the same mistake again.  Some have also said that no Domme would have me.  You are all seeing me in my darkest hour.  There is a lot more here than you can see.  My posts have been rather gloomy and somber but that is not who I am.

quote:


I am obsessive compulsive. Without a dominate person to keep me in-line I will surely kill myself by over-indulging. I smoke to much, drink to much, eat to much and do not exercise. As a result I am one hundred and fifty pounds overweight, develop type 2 diabetes and in the process of developing emphysema. If I do not find a Domme soon I will surely die an early death.

I am a masochist. I often feel that I am incapable and undeserving of a relationship with a person and do everything I can to drive them away. I usually hold the person in particularly high esteem, and do not wish to harm them by creating or maintaining a connection with them. Most people do not understand this behavior so they stay as far away as possible.

quote:

Lockit Wrote:

Oh now wait a minute. This man is not abused and has no reason to call a domestic abuse line or support group for help! If anyone has abused this man, it is himself. Just read his other post!

quote:

Elisabella Wrote:

You are being SO passive-aggressive here. Saying "I take blame for everything" but refusing to take RESPONSIBILITY for any of it. Just cut and run and find another Domme to take you in and pay your bills? Good God man you're in your 50's, you can't blame your wife for being fiscally irresponsible if your reaction to debt is "oh shit, gotta go, have fun paying that off hon."

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

4. And this is what I resent most about you post Elisabell.  Your post is just plain mean spirited.  You don't care about anyone except yourself.  You're just slicing and dicing a sub for the pure pleasure of doing so without any consideration for the damage you may do.  I understand it when a Mistress does mean things for fun in a relationship but you are being heartless and cruel to inflict pain and suffering just for the fun of it.  Go straight to hell.