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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 10:47:50 AM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		Lol...please try not to read excessively into other people's posts, howahkan. I have no problem with "fat people" and I am not a skinny person myself; I posed the question because weight loss and weight gain are both factors that can massively change your physical profile, and thus change a factor which is extremely important in physical attraction for some folks.

I will say, though, that if your partner is 200 pounds overweight and you are 150 pounds overweight, some changes to diet and lifestyle may be in order? If these are not made, "leaving" her at this age may just be redundant. She is slated to be leaving this world very shortly, and you may not be far behind.

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 10:53:56 AM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

I have no problem with "fat people" ....

I will say, though, that if your partner is 200 pounds overweight and you are 150 pounds overweight, some changes to diet and lifestyle may be in order? ...


So you have no problem with fat people so long as they willing to lose weight and no longer be fat?  What a hypocrite!  Fuck Off....

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 11:05:09 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Impressive!............not.

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 11:06:54 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Howahkan, ease up.  That was not what she said.

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 11:07:03 AM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline 		Lol...I have no problem with fat people. The human body, however, does have some issues with carrying more than two or three times its intended mass. It tends to be fatal.

If you have so many issues that even the mention of known medical facts about super-sized bodies is enough to cause a tantrum? You really need to see a therapist.

Or hey, here's a thought! How about you run away from this thread the way you run from every other challenge and problem that life poses. That would be a little more your style, wouldn't it?

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 11:11:22 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

quote:

I have no problem with "fat people" ....

I will say, though, that if your partner is 200 pounds overweight and you are 150 pounds overweight, some changes to diet and lifestyle may be in order? ...


So you have no problem with fat people so long as they willing to lose weight and no longer be fat?  What a hypocrite!  Fuck Off....



I am guessing that a pissing contest is not why you came to this site...

People have offered you various opinions about your situation and by posting it you have put yourself in the position of giving them that opportunity.  As I said in my post in your apology topic, we are just strangers on the internet...the responses you get need to be considered with a truckload of salt.   You have gotten some wise responses and some snarky ones too - only an internet novice would expect anything else.

I am wondering if now would be a good time for you to re-evaluate what you are looking for here.  Antagonism just feeds the fire and gives people something interesting to read - at your expense.


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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 11:20:57 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

First of all let me say, I know this is all my fault. I feel bad enough already, I don't need a bunch of criticism. What I need is helpful information. I am new here so I apologize if I have posted this in the wrong group.

Ten years ago there were no cool web sites like FetLife or CollarMe. The only resource on the net for lifestylers was something called alt news groups. I searched for over a year and finely found a woman who said she was a switch and was willing to Dom me.

We communicated through the news group for a few weeks and then through email and phone calls for another two months before I relocated from Las Vegas to Denver. It was understood by both of us that I was to be the sub and she was to be the Dom.

I had been alone for five years so I asked her to marry me right away. The first year was great. We wrote up a contract and followed it. The second year I turned over all my finances to her. I did everything I was told. In fact she sometimes complained I never did anything to be punished for.

Then in the third year it happened, she asked me to Dom her. (Just this one time) she said. Caring for her deeply I said yes. Looking back I see this was my second mistake, the first was turning over my finances to her. Both of these things seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Over the next few years she asked me to Dom her more and more. By the seventh year I was Domming her more than she was Domming me. I started feeling very unfulfilled so I started talking to her about my feelings. I told her exactly how I felt, completely truthful. "I don't want to be a Dom, only a sub" I told her.

Although I am a masochist I am also submissive which means I am easily influenced by what other people want.  She told me she would be my domme.  My wife now wants me to dom her, even though she knows I am a total submissive.  She is asking for something I do not have to give.

I have sat her down over and over again and talked this out with her and she goes back to domming me, for a while, then, slowly, everything goes back to me domming her again. I want to live out the rest of my life as a submissive, NOT A DOM... But she just will not listen.

If this were not bad enough I just found out that all of are money is gone and we are twenty seven thousand dollars in debt. She has filed for debt consolidation and the only reason I found out is because I had to sign the papers also.

Now in our ninth year I finely said it "I am so very unhappy with me Domming you, No More." and she said, "If your so unhappy why don't you just leave?". Therefore I feel I have no choice but to leave even though I have no place to go.  It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I worst part is I feel guilty for being the one to leave. I still care about her and I do not want to hurt her but I do not see any other way out of this mess. I am so sorry for letting things get so far.


Advice:
I rarely give it when it comes to a relationship's anymore. A: People never listen to rational reasoning during emotional turmoil. B: I'm coming from a totally different mindset than the next person as do most people. C: People hearing the advice are just looking for some form of validation for their own fears or desire in the matter at hand. How many people do you know that will give you advice based on what's truly best for you? Usually most give you advice on how THEY would handle it.  Good intentions but just usually bad advice. I think your best bet is to talk to her and or figure it out yourself. Coming to a board for relationship help is like going to McDonald's for fine dining. Your just dreaming.

Good luck.



< Message edited by Icarys -- 11/5/2009 11:30:22 AM >

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 12:25:38 PM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

Advice:
I rarely give it when it comes to a relationship's anymore. A: People never listen to rational reasoning during emotional turmoil. B: I'm coming from a totally different mindset than the next person as do most people. C: People hearing the advice are just looking for some form of validation for their own fears or desire in the matter at hand. How many people do you know that will give you advice based on what's truly best for you? Usually most give you advice on how THEY would handle it.  Good intentions but just usually bad advice. I think your best bet is to talk to her and or figure it out yourself. Coming to a board for relationship help is like going to McDonald's for fine dining. Your just dreaming.

Good luck.





Wise advice.

- pixel

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 12:35:53 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

As many dommes can tell you, the submissive side of a person often comes out more intensely when they are facing a lot of emotional stress related to responsibility. Submitting in private is one of the ways that people cope with the burden of responsibility and leadership; when they're at work or even in the vanilla family context, a lot of male subs face a great burden--one of the reasons they feel the need to submit to a woman in the bedroom is because they need to lay those burdens aside and let someone else do the driving, be the center of topping attention, and just STOP THINKING ABOUT the things that weigh on them for a while.

We've all heard of those submissive CEO's and captains of industry, and even outside that super-elite context I think most dommes have met subs who have very responsible, very authoritative and high-pressure jobs where they have to exercise a lot of power--lawyers, business owners, doctors, cops, soldiers--whose submissive side expresses itself much much more strongly when the pressure is turned up to BE LARGE AND IN CHARGE at work.

My experiences align with this being accurate.  I've had personal arrangements with people in four out of five of the careers listed in the last sentence.  I have also witnessed that the pull of submission can be greater for some in particular professions due to seasonal upswings that put greater stress on their professional life.  Periods of time such as crazed holiday shoppers for business owners, a higher crime rate/number of dockets in November and December, and times of higher stress depending on duty station/deployment all fit here.  When the job stress goes up, so does the craving for submission  (There's actually a pretty good thread on stress relief in regards to S/m play going on the general board right now.)

quote:

I can't help wondering if the Switch woman in this case is such a person. It sounds as if the pressure has been ramping up, ramping up, ramping up for quite a while now, as the economy and credit system have collapsed, the family has been living beyond its means, etc etc.. At the same time, her submissive side in the bedroom is pretty much all she wants to express now--having to be solely responsible for the couple's sex life is more than she can stand, she only seeks relief from that kind of stress these days.


I think relief is a very possible explanation.  If a person is in charge all of the time and doesn't want to be, I would think the pull of wanting someone else to take the reigns would be even more prominent.  I think it would be a great question to post on the Ask A Switch section.  I know I'd be very interested to hear the answers.

quote:

I can't help but speculate that in the case of a person who genuinely has both elements to their BDSM personality, that it may be that she feels more "domme" when life is better and easier, and her other burdens are lighter. For a lot of folks, submissive/bottom sexuality has an element of escapism to it--maybe if she didn't have so much she needed to escape from...?
<cut>

It does make a person wonder, doesn't it?


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Profile   Post #: 89
RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 1:17:12 PM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you OttersSwim for you post. It was very insightful and helpful.

quote:

Icarys

Advice:
I rarely give it when it comes to a relationship's anymore. A: People never listen to rational reasoning during emotional turmoil. B: I'm coming from a totally different mindset than the next person as do most people. C: People hearing the advice are just looking for some form of validation for their own fears or desire in the matter at hand. How many people do you know that will give you advice based on what's truly best for you? Usually most give you advice on how THEY would handle it.  Good intentions but just usually bad advice. I think your best bet is to talk to her and or figure it out yourself. Coming to a board for relationship help is like going to McDonald's for fine dining. Your just dreaming.

Good luck.


Thank you Icarys. I think you are 100% correct.

I tried to kill this thread a few posts back but as TexasMaam so harshly pointed out, the thread is not dead until the readers say so.

As for whats-her-name's post about weight.  I cannot count the number of times my wife has come home from work or some other place with tears in her eyes from some assholes unfeeling comments about her weight.  I am so fucking sick of people who use the weight issue like a stick to hit people over the head.  She disguise's her words with the pretense of caring but it's just another form of prejudice.  She is using her prejudice as a tool to hurt people so she can feel important.

As for her last comment "Why don't I run away". You all can count on the fact I will.  Not from the boards, just from this thread. I have never seen such a large group of uncaring assholes in one place in my life.  Some of the people on these boards have been very helpful and to them I say thank you.  As for the rest I can tell you that every time you post a negative, mean spirited response to someones thread I will be there to assure the OP that it's not their fault that your an asshole.

From the worlds biggest asshole to all of the other little assholes on this board, Fuck Off.







Attachment (1)

< Message edited by howahkan -- 11/5/2009 1:22:01 PM >

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 1:24:45 PM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline 		By the way, there is nothing passive about my aggression. 

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Profile   Post #: 91
RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 2:16:12 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

I have never seen such a large group of uncaring assholes in one place in my life. 



That's completely out of order.  We are some of the most caring assholes you'll ever find.

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Profile   Post #: 92
RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:36:41 PM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

I have never seen such a large group of uncaring assholes in one place in my life. 



That's completely out of order.  We are some of the most caring assholes you'll ever find.


But I don't think you know how I feel. (see image below)





Attachment (1)

< Message edited by howahkan -- 11/5/2009 4:37:09 PM >

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:41:18 PM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline 		Howahkan,


Forgive me for following this thread only in bits and pieces, but this really isn't a decision that anyone can make for you. This is something that you have to do for yourself plain and simple. DId you make mistakes? You betcha big huge ones, but at this point all you really can do is live and learn and move forward. Are you getting the sympathy you want probably not. People who make bad decisions don't usually get sympathy when they don't own up to their mistakes and play the victim. Stop playing the victim start taking control of your own destiny and happiness and start making the changes that you need to make. Otherwise it's going to be ten years down the road and you are going to be bitter and angry.

Just my 2cents worth.

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:42:53 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

I have never seen such a large group of uncaring assholes in one place in my life. 



That's completely out of order.  We are some of the most caring assholes you'll ever find.


But I don't think you know how I feel. (see image below)






Do you have any idea how much some men would pay for that kind of treatment?  And you're getting it all for free.  Hmmph.  Some people are so ungrateful.

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Profile   Post #: 95
RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:44:11 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

I have never seen such a large group of uncaring assholes in one place in my life. 



That's completely out of order.  We are some of the most caring assholes you'll ever find.

i second that....


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Profile   Post #: 96
RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:48:30 PM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks for your reply inpishlilhellcat,

I would like to own up to my mistakes and say that the people in this thread are right about me but it has gone way past that.  Everyone has decided to make it personal and insult every way they can.

Am I taking it a little personal... Gee, ya'think (evil grin)  I'll get them and their little dogs too...

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:50:53 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

I have never seen such a large group of uncaring assholes in one place in my life. 



Ohhh, I have.  I-66 East, Northern Virginia, 6:30 a.m.

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RE: How bad should it be before you leave? - 11/5/2009 4:55:58 PM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

Thanks for your reply inpishlilhellcat,

I would like to own up to my mistakes and say that the people in this thread are right about me but it has gone way past that.  Everyone has decided to make it personal and insult every way they can.

Am I taking it a little personal... Gee, ya'think (evil grin)  I'll get them and their little dogs too...




There's one thing you need to remember. This is an online forum and a community it works two ways. First of all you aren't close personal friends with anyone here (I"M not saying it's not possible it most certainly is). Secondly you possess free will and you can shut them off or up at any time by shutting off your computer.

The second way it can work is you can take the good criticism with the bad and earn their acceptance like everyone else on these forums.


Just saying.

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Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

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Profile   Post #: 99
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