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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/11/2006 10:19:35 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

A Pro-Domme may be able to give you what you need without the sexual aspects.

The only problem is that he is dominant too, but maybe a pro-Domme would take the role as a sub for money, not sure if they do that.

Whoops My bad...
I Myself as a Pro wouldnt sub,but I do have submissives that I can offer up.
I'm thinking I have seen other Pro's that have done the same.
Perhaps not...

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In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/11/2006 10:34:42 PM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
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Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, You Are SCREWED!!!

You made your bed and you're having to sleep in it. So you really love this woman and that's great. The question is does she really love you or the person she thinks you are?

So you can't be a sadist in your loving relationship. Well, that does suck but there are other sadistic things you can do outside your home. You can always be an ass on the road and drive under the speed limit. Never let anyone over. You can piss people off in a Yahoo Game where you wait till that last second to make a move. You can give people wrong directions. You can find, come up with, and tell morbid jokes. Become a police interogator, a Physical Therapist / Tech, an EMS employee, or even a loan approver. Becoming a bill collector sounds like fun. The possiblilities are endless when you join the dark side. Infact, I have fun doing bad things in the name of Good.

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 3/11/2006 10:36:09 PM >

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Post #: 82

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/12/2006 8:35:54 AM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
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EvilGeoff's post was really great. But what EvilGeoff may not know is that having an affair may not "erode your own soul." It may free you.

EvilGeoff has told us how you cant always be honest with people, even though he was trying to say we should be. Listen, there are many reasons to stay married. Kids, money, you name it. Sometimes an outside lover will help you maintain your marriage, not destroy it.

I find it interesting that the collarme community prides itself on making up its own rules, yet the anti "cheating" thoughts sound very mainstream. I hear a lot of talk saying "what about the other person!" Well what about the other person? The other person is part of the reason why the spouse wants an affair.

Those of us married long enough are well aware of our spouses shortcomings and hot buttons. Its an act of kindness to let it go sometimes.

Continue to love your wife in the way you know how Cuffs, is all I can say. If youve made it work for you, then so be it. If you need to add another demension to your life for you and you only, then so be that too. Its not the worst thing in the world.

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/12/2006 9:22:49 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

Listen, there are many reasons to stay married. Kids, money, you name it. Sometimes an outside lover will help you maintain your marriage, not destroy it.

This very well may be true. But........... it should still be some thing that is approved by both, not just one sneaking around and lying. Who knows maybe the wife wouldnt mind having an affiar either. No matter how you play the game - if your married then its two people involved not just one.

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Post #: 84

RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/15/2006 11:41:28 AM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: coffs

Hi Folks. First time poster here, hope you can help me.

I have a problem that may seem unusual, but I'm sure its a lot more common than we realise. I am a 38 yr old male Dom. In my 20s I had 3 long(ish) term relationships with submissive women. Actually one sub, one full time slave and one who couldnt decide :) But when they finished I married a vanilla woman who is not the least interested in bdsm. I am still with her today.

First of all, get ready for all the "advise" from the:

1.fully-out-polyamoryists
2. unmarried
3. divorced,
4. serial divorced, and
5. DOMs sick of being propositioned and lied to by maried men

These folks will tell you all about "truth," "cheating," and what is "right" and what is "wrong."

Next be ready for the quick fix, must-do solutions devoid of any subtelty such as this one:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_288589/mpage_3/key_/tm.htm#288959

As you know, you yourself must do your own risk-reward analysis of your own situation. As a guideline on this subject check out these two past threads which approached your question from the sub side:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_178477/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_264916/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm

(weed through the stock repsonses to the better ones)

In my mind, the solution to your problem does not lie in the differences between you and your wife, but rather in the expectations / burdens of lifelong monogamy to one person. Try find a solution from this angle. Also, in solving your problem, take some conversational and disclosure risks with your wife to gauge where she stands in relation to you and your marriage. See how much flexibility you can find there.

Don't get caught up in the high morality of marriage, try instead work the problem so you can solve it in a fair and workable manner.

Good luck, and please know that the answer does not have to be that you:

a. married the wrong person
b. should get divorced
c. have to "cheat"
d. are trapped forever

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 3/15/2006 11:46:02 AM >

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/15/2006 12:24:02 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

5. DOMs sick of being propositioned and lied to by maried men

I do feel a definite need here to clarify My position. Remember, it is only Mine, and I would not presume to speak for others.
If this man has such a burning need to meet his dominant tendencies, he is the one who needs to figure out how to handle it. When things like this are posted, the poster is usually trying to garner some support for his/her position. Wouldn't it be nice to have have a whole slew of people who say "go for it"?
If he can find someone who is in the same boat, and only wants a certain amount of give and take at pre-determined times, I am sure they will both be in hog heaven. But many of these people are seeking a way to not only cheat, but to get the validation that it is ok while they are doing it.
It is not My place to say what is right or wrong. I can render My opinion. Many ladies are approached as if the kink is free and available just because they have a profile on a site like this. That is wrong. If the poster was getting all sorts of "atta boy, it's ok", he would certainly come away with the idea that this is the place to find a casual hookup whenever the spirit moved him and whenever he had the time. Let's be honest here. He is not going to establish any sort of meaningful relationship with the other half of this arrangement.
Enter the Pro Domina... in his case he needs a Pro sub...
Fair is fair. He wants what he wants, and the other party is supposed to just take what he can throw their way, and then go home and wait patiently for the next encounter? I know a married Dom who does this. He has consistent problems with the girls. After a very short while they want more. Then he drops them and moves on to a new one. Of course he has a high frustration level when he is between submissives. He is very upfront about his marriage, and supposedly this is all okay because they know this and they accept it. For a time anyway.
On a personal level, I get a lot of boys who are married, but need something more, and I am approached constantly for the freebie. That doesn't give Me anyone to take care of things on a regular basis, so this is not an acceptable arrangement for Me.
People need to make their own decisions. I don't think anyone is deliberately trying to take the high road here, or be sanctimonious. But it is important to point out the pitfalls and offer other options.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 3/15/2006 12:26:06 PM >

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/15/2006 1:50:08 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

I do feel a definite need here to clarify My position. Remember, it is only Mine, and I would not presume to speak for others.
If this man has such a burning need to meet his dominant tendencies, he is the one who needs to figure out how to handle it. When things like this are posted, the poster is usually trying to garner some support for his/her position. Wouldn't it be nice to have have a whole slew of people who say "go for it"?
If he can find someone who is in the same boat, and only wants a certain amount of give and take at pre-determined times, I am sure they will both be in hog heaven. But many of these people are seeking a way to not only cheat, but to get the validation that it is ok while they are doing it.
It is not My place to say what is right or wrong. I can render My opinion. Many ladies are approached as if the kink is free and available just because they have a profile on a site like this. That is wrong. If the poster was getting all sorts of "atta boy, it's ok", he would certainly come away with the idea that this is the place to find a casual hookup whenever the spirit moved him and whenever he had the time. Let's be honest here. He is not going to establish any sort of meaningful relationship with the other half of this arrangement.
Enter the Pro Domina... in his case he needs a Pro sub...
Fair is fair. He wants what he wants, and the other party is supposed to just take what he can throw their way, and then go home and wait patiently for the next encounter? I know a married Dom who does this. He has consistent problems with the girls. After a very short while they want more. Then he drops them and moves on to a new one. Of course he has a high frustration level when he is between submissives. He is very upfront about his marriage, and supposedly this is all okay because they know this and they accept it. For a time anyway.
On a personal level, I get a lot of boys who are married, but need something more, and I am approached constantly for the freebie. That doesn't give Me anyone to take care of things on a regular basis, so this is not an acceptable arrangement for Me.
People need to make their own decisions. I don't think anyone is deliberately trying to take the high road here, or be sanctimonious. But it is important to point out the pitfalls and offer other options.

Well, not that my opinion matters to you, but I think you're the real deal with some experience and knowledge to back up your postions. So, I've never classified you in my own category of "stock response" posters. Where marriage is concerned, I like to promote others to think "outside the box," b/c doing so offers solutions to problems and in offering those solutions there is hope.

"I know a married Dom who does this. He has consistent problems with the girls. After a very short while they want more. Then he drops them and moves on to a new one. "

My wife has found this out in her extra marital forays, namely how guys without permission are paranoid, control freaks. The last thing they want is any sort of strong "attachment." I agree that this is sad, and far from ideal.

From my end, I have discovered that "wanting more" from a married person is a place you cannot go, and if you are single, its going to be nearly impossible "go with the plan and accept the situation." Marrieds are best with other marrieds.

Anyway, this is the third such thread in the past two months here, and I've just tracked the patterns I've seen on them.

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/15/2006 2:36:39 PM

tendergirl

Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
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Whoa! Self bondage by a "Dom". Cool.

in reply to original post by Coffs

< Message edited by tendergirl -- 3/15/2006 2:38:13 PM >

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/16/2006 10:22:08 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiava

quote:

Ok, maybe there's something that I'm not uderstanding. If you love her so damn much, why have you cheated on her? Why are you lying to her? Why are you wanting to hide things from her? Seems to me your here looking for validation to do these things again. You'll find none in me. You lie, cheat and hide things from your wife that you "love" so dearly, then you're an idiot, coffs. It's was an idiot thing to do in the first place. And if you think you can hide it from her forever, you're a bigger idiot. You know the right thing to do. To do otherwise would will only end in a very bad way.

agreed!! Cheating is cheating whether it be online or face to face. If you love your wife let her know your secrets and let her decide if she can live with it or not.

shi

Damn, how about being honest with yourself as well as your wife?

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RE: Help me. I'm trapped ! - 3/16/2006 10:34:07 AM

IndigoDadesi

Posts: 185
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After all these brilliant replies that are loaded with sound advice the best advice I can give (or reiderate) is that you need to talk to your wife about this.

If you arent happy there is no marital bliss...if youve already cheated on her chances are shes not exactly blissed either whether she knows or suspects or nothing at all.

A good relationship has open and honest communication.

If you do infact not want to leave her and you dont think the two of you can come up with a solution on your own why dont you try seeing a kink friendly couples councellor to help you both out?

(in reply to PenelopePitstop)

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Post #: 90