RE: coming to terms with a false accusation

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NihilusZero -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/10/2009 9:22:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy ...the fortune I got in my fortune cookie tonight ("truth always seeks the light of day"--kind of like someone's advice above about how sooner or later, whether you're pregnant or not will become obvious), is very helpful and helps me think about all this productively. quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy I took bits and pieces of advice from many of you and feel very good about where things are now. Sounds like it's time to make use of the secret "fortune" hidden in your cookie. (whoa...totally unintentional double entendre there....!)

RCdc -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/10/2009 11:56:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy I never said I was going to dump him--never even considered it. Yes, that's a theme in this thread, but it's not coming from me. And I never asked anyone to pin blame on him or me. I asked for help coping, not help blaming or dumping. We had an argument that I felt ended unfairly and I wanted help coming to terms with it. No worries about the misunderstanding. It's so hard to commicate in words to a bunch of people a situation that is emotionally frought and with a ton of context (as all situations are). Yeah, I saw that and I think it rocks you weren't trying to blame anyone. Thanks for clarifying and it's fab your partner and yourself have had a great talk and resolved things. the.dark.

Acer49 -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/11/2009 4:26:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy Let’s say you’re having a heated discussion or argument with your D type in which he says things he believes to be true about you but are not—for example, he believes you’ve manipulated a situation but you, in fact, have not. It becomes clear that no amount of explanation from you will dissuade him from his belief, even though the thing he thinks you have done is inconsistent with your general behavior. Let’s say you’ve tried to explain and he’s now just tired of your protests, and he says the discussion is over and you’re not to bring it up again. How do you mentally adjust to giving up on setting the record straight? I’m really struggling with this. Please don’t tell me to try honest discussion. Believe me, at this point, any more discussion of it will make things worse. He believes something about me, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change his mind, and now I have to deal with that. Thank you for any advice or suggestions you can offer. At this point, since further discussion is not an option, it is important to know what things you have done that "He" considers are manipulating and not to do them again as far as the orginal incident, you will both have to agree to disagree and move on

PainfullyCurious -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/11/2009 6:16:59 AM)
When it's a matter of interpretation, I can see how agreeing to disagree is reasonable. In time, as you get to know each other better, you may find that you understand each other better and the disagreement may not be as unsettling. (Or the opposite will happen, but at least, if you walk, it won't be a snap judgment.) My concern is that if I was reading correctly, the OP said that he accused her of being manipulative because he he thought she had certain information which she said she did not have. He did not believe her,so that's actually accusing her of telling a lie to him. That means they are disagreeing over a fact. Is it really healthy to agree to disagree over facts? Isn't that the definition of delusional? I suppose if I habitually looked my s.o. in the eye and said things that weren't true, it would be my own fault if he stopped believing me. Even if I told a direct lie just once, I could see how, again, it's my own fault. We all have our normal defenses, deflections, etc. that can be considered to a point, dishonest. However if you are among the more honest of people, then I'd be very concerned about being with someone who sees you as lier, or at the very least is still nursing old wounds and can't admit (and value) the fact that he is with someone who has integrity. He's seeing things things that aren't there. Please, by all means, if you think I am being too "vanilla" in my advice and not respecting the D/s dynamic, please tell me. Is this the kind of thing you think the OP just needs to deal with since she chose to submit to him?

Icarys -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/15/2009 2:22:51 PM)
quote: If you're still with me, I'll assume it's master/slave. As for how you adjust to giving up? (the other option, setting the record straight, is a no-go, IMO) You think about what a perversely delicious thrill it is to not be able to even clear your good name if he says no, the matter is ended. You ever do any ponygirl or puppy play and get an intense shiver as you think, "My god, I'm not even human!" Or have you even been tied up very tight, tried your hardest to escape the bonds, and failed, and realized, perhaps with a shudder of fear..."Oh shit, I'm stuck here. He could do anything he wanted to me, anything, and I could not stop him. I could not even try to run away." Ok, that sort of thing, that thrilling realization of powerlessness, however you get it, is the thing you want to strive to feel at moments like these. Yes it's unfair, yes in a sense he is wrong (in another sense he isn't), yes you want to be seen as the good person that you are, but... No, this is not a vanilla relationship where you have every right to expect that from him and can badger him to death if he doesn't respect you and hear/beleive your side of things. "Fairness" is not usually a clause written into these sorts of arrangements. "Obedience" is, however, and if you make your need for obedience searing hot, you won't notice a few slings and arrows against the old ego. In fact, you'll probably welcome, even relish them! Do you practice what you preach? If so I'd be impressed. Not often the two are done together..IMO Good post.

DesFIP -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/15/2009 2:28:39 PM)
I just don't know how you apologize sincerely for doing something you didn't do, how you promise never to do it again when you didn't do it the first time. And most of all, how you accept that the person you love this much truly believes you are a manipulative liar. It isn't a matter of being a good slave for me. It's a matter of keeping the relationship strong. And for some of us, we are heard. He may disagree with what we want but we are heard and validated. And trusted and believed.

Icarys -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/15/2009 2:59:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy I never said I was going to dump him--never even considered it. Yes, that's a theme in this thread, but it's not coming from me. And I never asked anyone to pin blame on him or me. I asked for help coping, not help blaming or dumping. We had an argument that I felt ended unfairly and I wanted help coming to terms with it. No worries about the misunderstanding. It's so hard to commicate in words to a bunch of people a situation that is emotionally frought and with a ton of context (as all situations are). Yeah, I saw that and I think it rocks you weren't trying to blame anyone. Thanks for clarifying and it's fab your partner and yourself have had a great talk and resolved things. the.dark. All to often on these threads that's exactly what people are trying to get others to do..Let's blame someone and make them the villain when it serves no purpose at all. Some of the posters continuously post the same way to almost every situation..Get out..Leave..Don't take that crap! To me it says a lot about the responder. If the first reaction of a slave is to throw something in my face repeatedly..She's not going to last long..nor should she...I am not the only one that should be practicing restraint..so should my females...The best advice has already been stated and as far as I'm concerned it stands for most situations..Be silent till your allowed to be heard..If He loves you and respects you...and your not showing your ass..Things will find their way back to normal and He will want to talk about it...Not when you decide to push the issue like some are suggesting. I noticed before posting this that it has already been fixed but I wanted to say this anyway.

Llyren -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/16/2009 5:05:30 PM)
I have two reactions to this. My own knee-jerk response to being accused of being manipulative, which is something that hits me like a fist. The other is, that while he wouldn't even listen to her reasoning, perhaps it is a test of obedience? I think this has been mentioned, but I still think it's important. Perhaps this is a test of your own willingness to just back down and let the D/s dynamic be correct? Can you look at this as a gift you're giving your D-type, your acceptance that what he says is the final word, even if you don't view it that way? It is possible to be manipulative without doing so on purpose, I'm told. But it's also quite possible to press someone's 'hot buttons' just to see if they will control themselves and respond, not react. If this is truly an issue, and it's going to fester in you, then ask to step out of the dynamic for a moment and explain this. One final note, you can apologize for displeasing him. You just don't have to be specific, if you honestly can't apologize for something you honestly didn't do.

lucylucy -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/16/2009 5:19:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Llyren Perhaps this is a test of your own willingness to just back down and let the D/s dynamic be correct? Can you look at this as a gift you're giving your D-type, your acceptance that what he says is the final word, even if you don't view it that way? This is kind of what I did. Whether he tested me on purpose or whether the situation simply became a test, I do most definitely need to learn to back down, and I did learn that (at least I think I did--one never knows for sure until the next test comes up, right?) from the situation.

Llyren -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/16/2009 5:57:12 PM)
I'm not good at backing down, so all I can do is applaud you. I know it's hard, especially with that sort of accusation, but in the end, you need to do what is best for you. I know if it isn't too absurd, I'll back you on it. So no moving to Belize and offering door-to-door foot worship to amputees, you hear me?! (no offense intended to either Belizians, foot fetishists, or amputees. All comments made by the user must be take with a salt plain.)

lucylucy -> RE: coming to terms with a false accusation (11/16/2009 8:32:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Llyren I'm not good at backing down, so all I can do is applaud you. I know it's hard, especially with that sort of accusation, but in the end, you need to do what is best for you. I know if it isn't too absurd, I'll back you on it. Aw, thanks!

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