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the trouble is - 11/17/2009 2:33:32 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i think ive lost faith in myself or at least i think ive lost faith in 'this' as a process or as a means to finding happyness with someone.

its a bummer to be honest.

i was considerably younger, prettier, slimmer when i first started out on the internet nearly 10 years ago - i couldnt find him then, im even less likely to find him now.

and i wonder at how dignified it is for a woman of my age to be dragged around by her hair or by a collar in a club with next to nothing on. not very.

maybe ive just reached a cross roads here and i realise that whatever it is im looking for isnt what it used to be. cept, actually it is.

i didnt come in search of BDSM then. i came looking for a dominant man who would understand my submissive nature. but from that BDSM exploded into my life and became the frank expression of submission and has become more and more so as the years have trickled past.

a subs performance on the bdsm floor seems to have so much more to do with submission than her nature and her desire to simply look up to and respect her partner.

oddly thats how i started out, trying to find Ds without the BDSM, now im a little bit hooked on BDSM as part of sex and part of the expression between Ds partners but it isnt and it never was the premis in seeking a partner 'here'.

am i wrong in my conclusion then that this lifestyle or whatever it is, is all about how much pain you can take, how long you can kneel in one position, how submissive you are to having youre nipples twisted so hard its unbearable. what sort of gobshite does it make me to be humiliated and objectified and made to struggle to prove my submissive nature.

all the hours ive spent struggling with myself, internalising, growing, developing, changing, hankering, trusting, trying, crying, pushing limits, pushing myself all for the glorious accolade of a 'good girl' pat on the head.

someone sent me a cmail today asking me what it is exactly that makes me a slave. damn good question. i suppose the answer is 'depends who im with'.

the thing is that in my heart i am a sub i can be a slave and over the years ive developed a taste for some of the BDSM activities around. but that isnt why im here and it isnt why i started out and so when i get cmails from guys wanting a long list of kinky things from me all i can think to myself is 'oh god, here we go again, the same old boring, one dimensional crap'

so, am i the sum total of my ability to submit to BDSM play?. nope and i never was and yet that seems to be the expectation out there. so im asking you guys, has the simple art of Ds in its simplest format of two people simply being themselves without the trappings of floggers, chains and paddles to express themselves got lost somewhere. im not talking to the absolute exclusion of BDSM, whips and chains but i am talking about the interplay of dominant and submissive natures melding like any other relationship and just being the ying to their yang and symbiotically, naturally just being themselves without effort and protocol slowing it all down.

sorry it went on a bit.. xx

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 2:45:36 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		Wow. I haven't had opportunity to "date" in the bdsm world, and I'm suddenly very grateful for that.
I equate the whips and chains stuff with sex very easily, but no, I don't see that as being the totality of a good relationship for me either.
Maybe look at other venues to find a partner who is dominant without the bdsm expectations, and introduce him to the other stuff?

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 2:54:06 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I can relate Lally, Getting older sucks. I do tend to think of BDSM and sex as one combined entity, a ying and yang that feed off each other and spin in a continuous cycle, much like keeping an engine moving. People do look for sex and kink,.. so do I, only ds is not JUST that. The problem as I see it is that few are willing to wait to see what goes beyond the sex.

Bored? Move on. Done that? Time to get a new target. What... she has already experienced that?! Find some untried newbie so you can feel big and powerful

Those are the views I see most often.. but I notice it more now that I more now that I am older and less likely to want to be that old broad paraded around a club while naked on a leash. We live in a society where immediate stimulation is the norm. The challenge is finding that person that is willing to look beyond the wet, hard response and see what else is in there.


< Message edited by Missokyst -- 11/17/2009 2:55:42 PM >

(in reply to mbes)
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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 3:05:37 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		I hope that's not all it's about, or I'm definitely in the wrong place. 

Maybe it's because I've actually taken so long to break down and accept that this is part of me, and this part needs to be expressed, but I don't feel I need to prove anything to anyone.  I know I'm sexually submissive, and it has nothing to do with how well I tolerate pain, or whether I let someone humiliate me. 

That's the reason I am here, I guess.  Because I hope, and I truly do hope, that here the whole question of what your sexual needs are is a given, and I can find someone who shares other interests with me. 

It sounds to me, and I may well be mistaken, that at this point in your life, you're sick of the parade, and just want to celebrate at home.   Is public performance really the be all and end all of the lifestyle?  That's like saying making out in public to freak the mundanes is the sole purpose of being gay or bisexual.   I can understand not wanting to constantly prove yourself to one person, or a group of people.  That's part of being human. 

I appreciate you sharing your thoughts, but wow, it scares me, since I don't have years of experience,  I feel I have less of a chance of finding what I need.  However, I have already accepted that if I can't have what I need, I'm okay with spending the rest of my life celibate.  There are worse fates. 


_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 3:20:38 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		Hmm...
Kim and I have at times been referred to as "vanilla with Dominance", or "vanilla with kink", or some such. We play lightly, some spanking and cropping, but are very far from edge play, or pain sluttery.

And yet- her submission to me is expressed in the most simple and innocuous yet profound and moving of ways;
The other night I came to the table and found my dinner cooked a certain way, and wondered if I told her how to fix it; she smiled and said no, she had simply noticed, 3 months ago, that I selected the one cooked this way instead of that way, and remembered.

She really does revolve her life around me, my comfort, my happiness. I doubt there ever was a slave who served so completely. I genuinely am delighted with her and "the interplay of dominant and submissive natures melding like any other relationship and just being the ying to their yang and symbiotically, naturally just being themselves without effort and protocol slowing it all down."

I also find it insulting and tedious to have our natures distilled down into a checklist of "what kind of manacle do you prefer".

I don't have a suggestion here, just an echoing observation that others feel as you do, and that maybe you just want a relationship that incorporates BDSM within its boundaries, rather than the other way round.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 3:29:42 PM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline 		I'm new hear and don't really know you but it sounds like you presented the question in such a way you are open to hearing feedback.
 
I perfer more distinguished women myself so age is or no consequence in my book. however it often seems to be an issue with them, they tend to always ask questions like what happens when a younger woman comes around who is more attractive if I'll pounce on her. I sometimes wonder if they realize how demeaning that question is to me. That I am such a neanderthal that all it takes to walk me away is a nice set of sweater puppets and a Birthday closer to the current date.
 
Now I know not everyone agrees to the same things here but if you are looking for a "Mate" it would stand to reason that you are staying away from the swing dicks who are only interested in getting you horizontal. If you are looking for a Show Dog then you should accept that you are just as applicable to the once over as he is. I personally look for substance over fantasy. By this I am saying that I would rather a good woman who loves me and wants to be with me every day for eternity, then some hot blonde with big tits who is going to be looking elsewhere the second I fail to meet her fantasy.
 
BDSM and D/s are not the same thing but you can't ignore how close they stand to one another because you have to understand how most people got introduced to this lifstyle. for most I have talked to it was always a common kink or sexual desire that made them start looking and when they found D/s it was always in context with BDSM.
 
If you like BDSM GREAT! if you Don't care for it having to be part of your D/s well then you are going to have to create one hell of a explanation as to what would make someone want to be in a relationship with you. See I want them both, and from the same women not something I am willing to compartmentalize or outsourse.
 
As for you are and looks, which I know this wasn't about them, I'll just leave you with that I have yet to meet a woman who wasn't beautiful until she opened her mouth and she showed me who she really was. Just be the beautiful person you got on the inside and few people of substance will really care what the outside shows.
 
QSM

_____________________________

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(in reply to Llyren)
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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 3:36:24 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Welcome to the boards and what a GREAT post!

You obviously understand what Lally is looking for.

And Lally - if i can find it at 48, you can find it in your tender years. There are men who will understand your post, and hopefully, you will encounter one of them soon.

(in reply to AQuietSimpleMan)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 3:48:58 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		check your male lally

BadOne


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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 3:53:33 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		As trite and cliche as it may sound, I've found it to be true over and over.  It always shows up when you stop looking.  I was looking for a one night stand 14.5 years ago, and have been with M. ever since.  I wanted NO relationship, I just got out of one 2 days before.  I just wanted to get laid.  I was specifically NOT looking for a relationship.  Then I met B. almost 3 years ago now.  I was specifically NEVER looking for another partner.  Guess what...  I met the pet about 3 years ago now too.  I was very blatantly NOT looking for a sub.  I specifically said to a friend of mine not 3 hours before "I don't want a sub right now.  I don't think I'm in the best point in my life to be seeking."  HA!  Too damned bad, I suppose.  And my ex, we were together for 4 years.  I wasn't wanting a relationship then.  I wanted to go to the craft store and do some ceramics projects.  Pfft.  The universal cupidmonster had other things in mind I guess.

So seriously, stop actively looking.  Probably go with pointedly NOT looking.  It seems to work pretty damned well for some reason.


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(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 4:21:01 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline 		Maybe I'm not ready to be looking.  Some guy just sent me a one line cmail  "do you smoke".  My response was, "Only shisha mixed with the ground-up bones of the last person who sent me an inane message without reading my     profile."  Too snarky?  Not submissive enough?

_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

(in reply to BKSir)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 4:38:02 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
am i wrong in my conclusion then that this lifestyle or whatever it is, is all about...


You're wrong to conclude that 'this lifestyle' is one way or this way or that way. There are as many different spins on it as there are people who do it. One person's "same old boring, one dimensional crap" is another person's utopia. Another poster suggested that you may be looking in the wrong venue and I happen to agree. If one approach is clearly not working then it's time for new approach. If the internet is your preference I'd try some of the non-kink markets and just include a hint or two about all of this. People pick up on that - particularly the type of folks you seem to be interested in attracting. If you don't want a kink heavy relationship stop looking in a kink heavy target audience.


_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 5:51:02 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

finding happyness with someone.


You don't. You can't. You try and find happiness, period. Not in BDSM, flying airplanes, another lass, a lad... you try and figure out what it takes for YOU to be happy and content. To do things that excite you, help you feel alive, you take care of those you love and you keep moving through this interesting and exciting world. If you have a need to be on a BDSM floor, you do that. If you make things that happen in your life dependent on another person, as a conditio sine qua non, you'll fail. Take care of you, the pieces will fall into place all by themselves.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 6:03:53 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Sounds like your needs and desires have changed, over the years. Is that a surprise? Did you expect them to remain the same, over time? 


CHANGE IS GOOD. Embrace it, and enjoy getting to know the new you!


Yes, people can and do move from a more physical kind of D/s to a more emotional kind, and find partners who fit very nicely with them. Everything will work out well for you as long as you enjoy the journey, instead of just focusing on the destination.



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(in reply to lally2)
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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 6:14:39 PM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes I think focusing on other things and not being desperate for love is an empowering place to be in. I am also looking for someone I connect with who could be vanilla just so long as he has a dominant nature and could also accept my kink and possibly playing with others without sex being involved. Perhaps that chemistry and a go to type of guy who i have chemistry with. Might be easier to convert a vanilla. It is after all only a small fraction of the relationship.

But my main point is I have other things to worry about and its not on the top of my list. Its best to focus on making my life livable and satisfying whether there is some significant other or not. Most want an intact person. Not one who's desperate for someone to save them. I am trying to save myself so that I can be healthy enough to attract someone who is right for me.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 11/17/2009 7:10:16 PM >

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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 6:22:52 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		no her wants havn't really changed, she just been working around them..like the coach used to say..its time to get back to the basic's

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 6:27:31 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Um, lally, I've got ten years on you and I'm not ready for the glue factory yet,

I can't attract the twentysomethings at all, and it's not easy attracting thintysomethings.  But I can attract women ten years younger than me just as well as ever - they just got older along with me.

And you're a woman that is safe from me only because you don't live in Colorado.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lusciouslips19)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 7:14:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I was older than you are now when we met. However I was a total newbie and yes, he admitted that was a plus. Not because it made him feel more competent, but because he had come off a string of meets with women who responded "that's not how my last master did it".

There does seem to be a focus on play and all that. All it means is you aren't compatible with those types.

I got around that by saying I wasn't interested in a sadist. I got lots of invites from guys who promised they would teach me to enjoy pain. I refused all.

Since you haven't played in a while, I have to assume you don't miss it terribly. You aren't using a bug zapper on yourself to meet your needs. In this case your pain tolerance really is that of a newbie.

You can be honest and say you don't know anymore what you like and what you don't. And that you have no pain tolerance and can't play hard. Which should eliminate all the men interested only in showing off what a heavy pain slut they have.

But be prepared to read a lot of profiles, write a lot of emails, and not bother to meet anyone who has even the slightest red flag. Don't settle.

And if you would feel better taking a break and coming back once you are filled with passion for other things and the fact that you are passionate about life will convey itself and interest men in you, then that's not a bad thing either. Disillusioned is not an attitude that will attract the kind of man you want.

_____________________________

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Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 7:35:13 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

It looks like you've had some really good responses here, sweetie, though I haven't read them. The best thing I can offer you is my story.

I didn't come into all this thinking I enjoyed pain or any of the other plethora of bdsm stuff. I just knew I needed a strong, stablizing force in my life. I wanted, like you, someone I could admire and really be able to rest from having to be ferocious and in charge all the time. I just wanted to be able to be...me. Along the way, I discovered I liked way more kinky stuff than I am willing to discuss here, but that was just extras. I still just wanted that simple, honest relationship where I was honored for who and what I am and I could do the same toward my partner.

I ran across a few people who were simply all about the play. They really didn't want the attachment and responsibility associated with what I really wanted most. I wanted that relationship. Playing around and having meet n beats didn't sound remotely interesting. It didn't help that I wasn't really ever going to have any such place in any of their lives because it came to light early on that they were married and not open with their wives. They were pleasure seekers and a few simply had a nasty domineering (not dominant) nature that really didn't do it for me at all. I wasn't suited for being some side dish. I certainly wasn't interested in trusting someone who was showing me they were untrustworthy before we even engaged.

I had to find someone of better material. Eventually, I met my partner. He approached me and this whole thing differently. He was interested in unearthing parts of ME. He cherished each one of those parts like a treasure. As I got to know him, I found all kinds of things to admire about him. He is a good person through and through and has taken on some rather significant responsibilities he never had to just in the process of taking care of people around him. I have learned that I can trust absolutely everything about him. I had that sweet relationship I wanted, but with all the extras and more that I had also come to learn I wanted. Love, adoration, respect, and being able to be our true selves are hallmarks of our relationship. The bdsm is just goodies.

I know the kind of person you desire is out there and the kind of relationship you long for is possible. I don't know if it is at all comforting, but that much I do know. I think you will find that when you least expect it, there he will be. I messaged my partner expecting yet another dead end. I just wanted to discuss theory with him because of some of the experiences he had listed. I had no intent of falling head over like this. I am blessed that I have, however, and know what a special thing I have. All my best, sweetie, big hugs, and good luck. My box is always open.

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

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RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 7:55:12 PM   
Llyren


Posts: 637
Joined: 3/5/2007
From: Illinois
Status: offline
You've captured it exactly, lovingpet.  Thank you.


_____________________________

I'm not perving. I'm compensating for my myopia. So nyah.


Member of Cock-Suckers for World Peace

"Character is what you are in the dark."

- Lord John Whorfin

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: the trouble is - 11/17/2009 9:18:47 PM   
Ladynslave


Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline 		Lally,

I have to agree with BKSir when he says that it will find you when you least expect it.  I found Slave at a point in my life where I had firmly decided that one night stands were all I wanted and all I could deal with emotionally.  You are a beautiful vibrant woman and I am sure that the perfect man is out there for you somewhere.  This may not be the forum or it may be, who knows?  What I do know is that when you least expect it, he will find you and tumble all your beliefs about how your life will work on it's ears.  Best wishes where ever your road leads and may you find all the happiness you deserve around the next bend.

Lady

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 20
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