RE: Cheating spouses (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

LadyPact -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 7:11:43 AM)

I think you already got your answer by the excellent responses above, so I'm going to ask you a question instead.

Would you have asked this same question if there wasn't kink involved?



Llyren -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 7:18:06 AM)

Sheesh.  Didn't you know we're all soulless and utterly lacking in any sort of standards or moral fiber?  Didn't you get your copy of  the kink handbook and secret decoder flogger?



MistressEllen444 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 7:24:34 AM)

Is there an "auto alert" button somewhere that will let me know when OP is crying that she has lost her husband and her wonderful Dom does not show up for their first meeting? I would like to come back to the message then.



Lucienne -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 7:26:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Would you have asked this same question if there wasn't kink involved?



It's entirely possible that kink isn't involved. That this woman has been traveling the internet in search of a forum that will support her decision to cheat. And, yes, it is pretty amusing that she thought she'd find a receptive audience here.



Missokyst -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 8:18:15 AM)

Here is the reality. This stuff we do..? It intensifies any affection you might have for your playmate.

Men leave their wives, women leave their families, for what is essentially a fantasy. And I say that because those few meetings of passion and connecting to that other person are just moments, they are not day to day interaction. You are not going to see the bad side of someone, until you or he has lost the reality of their own life that no longer looks fresh and new.

Unless you and your husband have an open relationship, you both cheat. You know it, he knows it. How secure is it going to make you when either one of you answers your cell phone with a cheery "Hi" to some unknown person on the other side, and a quick, "I'll call you back."

I disagree, about the non generosity. Married people are unusually generous. They can be because they are giving less to their home, spouse, or child. Of course if you cause the break up of that family the rules will change, regardless of what you may gain, divorce is costly.




hlen5 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 8:33:28 AM)

You knew the answer to the question before you asked it. Why else would you have created a profile just to ask it?



Aileen1968 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 8:45:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Here is the reality. This stuff we do..? It intensifies any affection you might have for your playmate.
Absolutely.

quote:

Men leave their wives, women leave their families, for what is essentially a fantasy.
I disagree. I left my husband and family for someone I met here. It was not based on a fantasy. I thought long and hard about it with my eyes wide open. There were other issues within the marriage which also led to it ending, but the relationship I formed from here had a big part.
quote:

And I say that because those few meetings of passion and connecting to that other person are just moments, they are not day to day interaction. You are not going to see the bad side of someone, until you or he has lost the reality of their own life that no longer looks fresh and new.
We met over 100 times in the span of six months. Some of those times were purely for sex. Some were to have lunch or dinner together and involved nothing sexual at all. It's impossible to hide the bad stuff when you meet that often. I knew who and what he was like and so did he towards me. He saw me cry. He helped me through the death of my father.



To the OP....I did everything wrong. I regret that now and always will. I don't regret leaving my marriage. I regret how I did it. I cheated on him. I was told four years ago right on this forum, when I basically asked the same question you just did, to end my marriage before I cheated. I chose not to follow that advice. I wish I did. I caused tremendous amounts of pain to people I loved. My advice to you is the same that was given to me. Talk to your husband and express your desires. If he is unable to fulfill them for whatever reason and you realize that you need them in your life in order to be happy, then leave and get divorced before you search outside of the marriage. Trust me on this. It's the better way.






Wolf2Bear -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 9:28:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69

I have been e-mailing with a master, but he is married and his wife doesn't know anything about his online activities. I would love to meet him in person, but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also.


You do have to ask yourself a few things.

Are you honestly willing to take responsibility for your actions if either spouses find out and react negatively?
Are you honestly willing to accept the consequences if either spouse finds out?



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 11:39:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rhodes85

I think Kirata hit the nail on the head with that emote.

Let me put it this way. He is married, she does not know. Hence he is lying to her, hiding things from her and cheating on her. If he will do this to her, he WILL do this to you as well. That being said.... You are married as well. I assume by way you put your question, that your husband does not know what you are doing. So you have no right to say that you don't feel that what he is doing is right, considering that it is exactly the same thing that you are doing.

'Personally I can tolerate many things in life but people who cheat and hurt others, not so much. Just because we are kinky doesn't give us the right to be unfaithful to our obligations.'

Exactly.

'it makes me sad that you even have to ask. '

I wholeheartedly agree. Needing to ask...is rather disturbing...you're not a child, you should know better.

You know I take that back.....a child knows the difference between right and wrong. You know what you are doing is wrong and are looking for someone to validate it and say its ok.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA
Also worth mentioning... "cheaters" also "cheat" on the one they're "cheating with".


quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear
You do have to ask yourself a few things.

Are you honestly willing to take responsibility for your actions if either spouses find out and react negatively?
Are you honestly willing to accept the consequences if either spouse finds out?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69
Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also.


Okay.  You asked, so here is what I think.  What they all said.  My own input:  Anyone who cheats on a spouse, or any significant other, and doesn't tell them about it is a cheater and a liar.  How can you trust a cheater and a liar and, for that matter, how can He really trust You?  You're doing the same thing.  I've met many Doms who ended up being married and I broke it off.  Also, think about the spoused involved who are the "innocent bystanders."  It hurts like hell when they find out....and they will.  I know, and that's why I'm divorced. 



lucylucy -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 12:34:22 PM)

I like the way LadyPact turned your question around. I'm going to turn your question around in another way.

Would it be ok for your husband to cheat on you with a married woman?



MasterSlaveLA -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 1:18:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPSYMAMBO

quote:

ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69

but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also.

1) cheat =sex..................what about the BDSM aspect??

Did you think that BDSM people would be any different in their views or integrity than anyone else..??
** just asking..a sub recently said to me
"I'm married and she doesnt know... is that a problem?
When I SAID "YES"
He SAID.."BUT..YOU ARE BDSM"
 


With regard to the above, I do NOT think "Cheat = Sex". 

Why? Because:

1.  Some have open sexual relationships (swinging and such)
2.  Some have poly relationships (sex with more than one person)
3.  Some have never even met... (an EMOTIONAL attachement)

Thus, as you alluded to, HONESTY determines "cheating", not the physical act of "sex".




RCdc -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 2:28:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69

I have been e-mailing with a master, but he is married and his wife doesn't know anything about his online activities. I would love to meet him in person, but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also.


You have to do what you are comfortable with and accept the consequences... including the fact that you may not be compatable or he may be looking for just one night with you... or even visa versa.  But then, that's no different to meeting someone who is single eh?

the.dark.



PainfullyCurious -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 2:54:55 PM)

OP-

Personally, I have no spouse and do not cheat when I tell someone that I won't be seeing other people. That's just me though.

Something like 40%-60% of people cheat on their spouse. (Sad but true.)
Only 1 of  the 32 responses you received today seemed to openly say they thought it was OK.

So this means 1 of 2 things:
1. The people on CM are a cut above the rest... A more honest and committed subset of the population.
OR
2. The people who think it's OK to cheat are not willing to post that info in a open forum. Cheaters don't like to get caught.

Do what you like with that info, but no matter how you look at it, I don't think you're going to get well-rounded answers like this.



whiteslavebitch -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 4:07:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Here is the reality. This stuff we do..? It intensifies any affection you might have for your playmate.
Absolutely.

quote:

Men leave their wives, women leave their families, for what is essentially a fantasy.
I disagree. I left my husband and family for someone I met here. It was not based on a fantasy. I thought long and hard about it with my eyes wide open. There were other issues within the marriage which also led to it ending, but the relationship I formed from here had a big part.
quote:

And I say that because those few meetings of passion and connecting to that other person are just moments, they are not day to day interaction. You are not going to see the bad side of someone, until you or he has lost the reality of their own life that no longer looks fresh and new.
We met over 100 times in the span of six months. Some of those times were purely for sex. Some were to have lunch or dinner together and involved nothing sexual at all. It's impossible to hide the bad stuff when you meet that often. I knew who and what he was like and so did he towards me. He saw me cry. He helped me through the death of my father.



To the OP....I did everything wrong. I regret that now and always will. I don't regret leaving my marriage. I regret how I did it. I cheated on him. I was told four years ago right on this forum, when I basically asked the same question you just did, to end my marriage before I cheated. I chose not to follow that advice. I wish I did. I caused tremendous amounts of pain to people I loved. My advice to you is the same that was given to me. Talk to your husband and express your desires. If he is unable to fulfill them for whatever reason and you realize that you need them in your life in order to be happy, then leave and get divorced before you search outside of the marriage. Trust me on this. It's the better way.


From personal experience, I have to agree with Aileen. If you feel that you must have BDSM in your life, leave your husband before you seek another relationship. It causes untold pain in your family's life otherwise.








Elisabella -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 4:36:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

OP-

Personally, I have no spouse and do not cheat when I tell someone that I won't be seeing other people. That's just me though.

Something like 40%-60% of people cheat on their spouse. (Sad but true.)
Only 1 of  the 32 responses you received today seemed to openly say they thought it was OK.

So this means 1 of 2 things:
1. The people on CM are a cut above the rest... A more honest and committed subset of the population.
OR
2. The people who think it's OK to cheat are not willing to post that info in a open forum. Cheaters don't like to get caught.

Do what you like with that info, but no matter how you look at it, I don't think you're going to get well-rounded answers like this.


Or third option: Even the people who *do* cheat know it's not okay.

To the OP: I've never cheated, or knowingly been with someone who was in a relationship, and while my first impression is that if you did you're just a hedonistic whore who can't keep her legs closed, my second impression is the sympathetic "maybe you're both in loveless marriages blah blah blah" and I wonder if I should judge you or not.

But the thing is, most people aren't going to think that way if they find out.

Your husband will think you're a lying slut and he might hate you.
Your affair's wife will think you're a lying slut and she will most definitely hate you.
Your friends who have a stronger moral compass will think you're a slut, and talk about you behind your back.
If you have children, they'll think you're a bitch who put her wet cunt ahead of her family.

Right now you're probably thinking "that's only if they find out" but the longer the affair goes on the more likely it is someone will find out. A one night stand is probably pretty easy to hide. An ongoing master/slave relationship where you submit to his will? Yeah good luck.

What I want to know is how you even got to the point where you'd consider dating this man. Did he tell you he was married from the beginning (in which case WTF on your part) or did he spring it on you after you were attached to him (in which case WTF on his part) because if it's the latter, you really can't expect this to be a trustworthy person you want to submit your will to.



Elisabella -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 4:39:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

It is not that the integrity part is unimportant, but -
there are issues to being the 'other woman' far beyond the integrity issues. Are you ready for those issues?

You will never spend a holiday with him

He will not rush to your side if you are sped to the hospital in an ambulance - sometime during the following week, he will find time to sneak up and see you, if you make it. If you don't make it, he may or may not be able to manage an adaquate cover story to attend your viewing.

He will never be able to come out and rescue you when you have a flat tire

He will not be around to talk with you when you are down or have a crisis - it will have to wait till your regular time together

your regular time together, on the other hand, will not be sacred. it will be skipped for his family vacation, for holidays, if she takes off work and would notice his abscence

he will not be very financailly generous - the wife would notice. depending on how close she is to the accounts, he might not be able to swing paying for his share of dinner - be prepared to carry the relationship financailly.

And, btw, are you and your husband, open, polly, or are you cheating? Because if she ever finds out - she is gonna call your hubby and tell him.

Good luck



And btw this is VERY true and should be required reading for anyone who thinks they'll find love with a married man who has no intention of leaving his spouse.



Kirata -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 4:44:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

You do have to ask yourself a few things.

Are you honestly willing to take responsibility for your actions if either spouses find out and react negatively?
Are you honestly willing to accept the consequences if either spouse finds out?

Taking that "if either spouse finds out" phrase as defining the situation, the only real question here is are you a dishonest piece of shit whose word means nothing and who can't be trusted. The rest is detail.

K.



Rhodes85 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 5:44:17 PM)

'I disagree. I left my husband and family for someone I met here. It was not based on a fantasy. I thought long and hard about it with my eyes wide open. There were other issues within the marriage which also led to it ending, but the relationship I formed from here had a big part. '

Hmm, I know its a little off topic but if I may say......I don't think that was the right thing to do. Based on the way you explain it here I assume you knew you were having problems in the relationship and went online (to this site obviously) looking for someone, with what I assume is the express intention of cheating on him. Wouldn't the right thing to have done be to end the relationship first, before you went looking, online or anywhere else? Personally I could never support such an action regardless of the circumstances.



Aileen1968 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 5:53:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rhodes85

'I disagree. I left my husband and family for someone I met here. It was not based on a fantasy. I thought long and hard about it with my eyes wide open. There were other issues within the marriage which also led to it ending, but the relationship I formed from here had a big part. '

Hmm, I know its a little off topic but if I may say......I don't think that was the right thing to do. Based on the way you explain it here I assume you knew you were having problems in the relationship and went online (to this site obviously) looking for someone, with what I assume is the express intention of cheating on him. Wouldn't the right thing to have done be to end the relationship first, before you went looking, online or anywhere else? Personally I could never support such an action regardless of the circumstances.


Ummm...if you read a little further down in my post I address what you said. I readily admit I made huge mistakes and poor decisions which is why my advice to the OP was to not cheat, but leave if she was unfulfilled.



LadyPact -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 6:00:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
To the OP....I did everything wrong. I regret that now and always will. I don't regret leaving my marriage. I regret how I did it. I cheated on him. I was told four years ago right on this forum, when I basically asked the same question you just did, to end my marriage before I cheated. I chose not to follow that advice. I wish I did. I caused tremendous amounts of pain to people I loved. My advice to you is the same that was given to me. Talk to your husband and express your desires. If he is unable to fulfill them for whatever reason and you realize that you need them in your life in order to be happy, then leave and get divorced before you search outside of the marriage. Trust me on this. It's the better way.





Actually, Aileen, I have to compliment you on the above.  It takes a very big person to acknowledge their mistakes, especially if they have hurt someone in the process.  I want to commend you for being so honest about your prior situation and the sincerity of your advice in regards to the OP.  Thank you very much for being willing to write this reply.



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875