RE: Cheating spouses

RE: Cheating spouses (Full Version)

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Viridana -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 6:04:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69 I have been e-mailing with a master, but he is married and his wife doesn't know anything about his online activities. I would love to meet him in person, but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also. What has his wife ever done to you that makes her deserve that kind of humiliation and pain from you?

lucylucy -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 6:27:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella quote: ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious OP- Personally, I have no spouse and do not cheat when I tell someone that I won't be seeing other people. That's just me though. Something like 40%-60% of people cheat on their spouse. (Sad but true.) Only 1 of the 32 responses you received today seemed to openly say they thought it was OK. So this means 1 of 2 things: 1. The people on CM are a cut above the rest... A more honest and committed subset of the population. OR 2. The people who think it's OK to cheat are not willing to post that info in a open forum. Cheaters don't like to get caught. Do what you like with that info, but no matter how you look at it, I don't think you're going to get well-rounded answers like this. Or third option: Even the people who do cheat know it's not okay. Exactly. Cheating is not okay, but I understand that good people do it. I cheated on a former boyfriend. I'm not proud of it, I don't think I did the right thing, I don't condone cheating, but there's no way to deny that yeah, I cheated. And yet I'm a good person--very honest and ethical, with this one huge, glaring exception that I am still horrified by. I was with my ex-husband for nearly twenty years and didn't cheat. He did, and so when I cheated on my boyfriend, I knew exactly the pain he would feel if he found out (he didn't--I came to my senses and broke up with him within a couple weeks of my indiscretion). And yet, I still did it. Stupid? yes. Irresponsible? yes. Immature? yes. Hurtful? yes. My point is that everything everyone here has said about how wrong cheating is is true, and yet, decent people do it. People who cheat can't be all lumped together as liars and cheaters across the board. I don't lie on my taxes, I don't steal, etc. Some people are habitual cheaters, some people who cheat are bad people; but some people who cheat are simply good people who fuck up big time and later regret it.

Lucienne -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 7:19:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy My point is that everything everyone here has said about how wrong cheating is is true, and yet, decent people do it. People who cheat can't be all lumped together as liars and cheaters across the board. I don't lie on my taxes, I don't steal, etc. Some people are habitual cheaters, some people who cheat are bad people; but some people who cheat are simply good people who fuck up big time and later regret it. I completely agree with this sentiment. This is something that has bothered me in politics for years -- the idea that if a politician would lie to his wife, who wouldn't he lie to? (?!!!). In general, I don't think you can safely extrapolate how a person deals with the world from how they deal with their most intimate relationships. As a social function, I think the "you're a terrible person if you cheat" is just easier to get people to believe than "99.9% chance you're going to fuck this up and most if not everyone involved is going to be miserable."

Lucienne -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 7:23:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Viridana quote: ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69 I have been e-mailing with a master, but he is married and his wife doesn't know anything about his online activities. I would love to meet him in person, but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also. What has his wife ever done to you that makes her deserve that kind of humiliation and pain from you? I think it's healthier to appeal to a person's sense of self-interest (fucking around with married guys is a stupid idea) than it is to put third parties in charge of enforcing marital vows they had no role in. /hobby horse

winterlight -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 8:21:42 PM)
Wonders if each spouse finds out how embarassing it would be in court? Hasn't their been a case of a wife suing the woman who was cheating with the husband? Agree with the answers above and they are excellent answers... Hope no um's are involved...

Rhodes85 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 8:37:04 PM)
'Wonders if each spouse finds out how embarassing it would be in court? Hasn't their been a case of a wife suing the woman who was cheating with the husband? ' Probably, but if it happened I doubt the wife would get anything. It would likely be overturned on appeal as unconstitutional and violating the other womans rights. Aileen, I do apologize. I misread your post, and I didn't mean to imply that you didn't think it was a mistake. and I agree, if she feels unfullfilled she should leave and end her current relationship before starting something with someone else.

PainfullyCurious -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/19/2009 9:16:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucienne I think it's healthier to appeal to a person's sense of self-interest (fucking around with married guys is a stupid idea) than it is to put third parties in charge of enforcing marital vows they had no role in. /hobby horse Agreed. If my partner wants to cheat on me, even tries to, but doesn't solely due to lack of options, well that's not much better. He made a vow to me. If he breaks it, he's wrong. The other women in the world did not make any promises to me. So (at the risk of inviting some scathing replies from the people who disagree) OP, here is my answer, my opinion to you: It's wrong because you made a vow to your husband. Whether or not he and his wife chose to honor the vows that they made to each other, and to what degree they tolerate indiscretions, has little to do with you. It's really between them. The whole concept of "enabling" rubs me the wrong way. It's just one more way to take the responsibility off of the party who fucked up. I would not spend any time worrying about being an evil temptress/enabler. If he cheats, that's his choice. When someone makes a commitment, it's their job to honor it, even in the face of temptation. If they break it, that's no reason to go pointing fingers at anyone else.

WyldHrt -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 12:29:23 AM)
quote: Personally I could never support such an action regardless of the circumstances. How nice for you. Newsflash, Sparky, it isn't always that simple and I suspect that certain "circumstances" might just surprise you. To the OP- please read the responses to this thread, because the majority of them are dead on. It's your choice, and you will have to live with the consequences of your actions. Only you can decide what is right, but I hope you will consider all concerned before deciding your path. Good luck.

Adelleda -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 1:26:35 AM)
They will find out. Be it two weeks or two years in to it, they will find out. And it will completely destroy what was already ruined.

DesFIP -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 4:48:23 AM)
The Man and I had this discussion last night. In a perfect world people would leave their partners before seeking out someone new. However, anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship knows that one of the aspects of that is that the abuser convinces you that no one else would ever want you, that being beaten down daily is more attention then you merit and you need to be grateful for it. And you come to believe him/her. What frequently is the only thing that allows one to finally leave is support from a new intimate partner. Without the new person telling you that you are of value, showing you that. You would stay in a loveless, sexless relationship where you are told everyday how utterly unattractive you are. So I'm not going to say someone who cheats is by definition evil. I am going to say that if this is the only way you can find to get any positive reinforcement, then you need to be ready to move on, and you ought to be finding a therapist because you have a lot of work ahead before you are well.

devilishpixie -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 5:25:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69 I have been e-mailing with a master, but he is married and his wife doesn't know anything about his online activities. I would love to meet him in person, but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also. OP, Life isn't black and white. No infinate right or wrong IMO. Life is not that simple. We all make choices and we have to be prepared to live with the consequences of those choices. The question to me isn't if this is right or wrong but are you willing and prepared to deal with the consequences of getting involved with a married man? Are you prepared to get invovled with someone other than your own spouse and deal with those consequences? Are you both prepared for how your choices may impact other people besides yourselves?

Viridana -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 9:03:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucienne quote: ORIGINAL: Viridana quote: ORIGINAL: MeBadGirl69 I have been e-mailing with a master, but he is married and his wife doesn't know anything about his online activities. I would love to meet him in person, but I don't know if that would be right. Should I enable him to cheat on his wife of many years? BTW - I am married also. What has his wife ever done to you that makes her deserve that kind of humiliation and pain from you? I think it's healthier to appeal to a person's sense of self-interest (fucking around with married guys is a stupid idea) than it is to put third parties in charge of enforcing marital vows they had no role in. /hobby horse Good for you. I disagree. I think most people claim to be good people who would never willingly hurt or harm other people. And I think that reminding them of that an innocent person is the one whos gonna get hurt. Maybe if people stopped being self centred and focusing on self interest theyd be able to live up to the "I'm a good person who'd never harm another" ideal that most of them claim to have. I'm sorry, but if you willfully and knowingly take part in adultery as the outside person, your hands ain't clean.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 9:17:55 AM)
That innocent third party is often times not quite so innocent in the demise of the marriage to the point of their spouse looking elsewhere. To say that a marriage ends purely because of just one half of that marriage is usually unrealistic. It takes two people to have a successful marriage and it also takes two people to have an unsuccessful marriage. Let's not put the blame all on the head of the cheater.

Viridana -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 9:44:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 That innocent third party is often times not quite so innocent in the demise of the marriage to the point of their spouse looking elsewhere. To say that a marriage ends purely because of just one half of that marriage is usually unrealistic. It takes two people to have a successful marriage and it also takes two people to have an unsuccessful marriage. Let's not put the blame all on the head of the cheater. Sorry I fundamentally disagree with you. I don't care how horrible your "poor me" attitude is in your marriage. Nobody forces you to cheat, cheating is a concious well thought out choice and cheating is not a natural side effect that "just happens" out of a bad marriage. I feel it's the cowards way of shedding him/herself of responsibility of their own lack of integrity and control. If you choose to break trust with your spouse, it makes you a crappy spouse, regardless of how dead your marriage already was and regardless of how annoying or whateveryoufeel like your spouse is. Maybe you should have considered keeping your own dignity by getting a divorce before loosing control of your crotch.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 9:49:58 AM)
~ FAST REPLY ~ Back in the early days when I moved to LA and hung out a profile, I was contacted by a number of woman who identified as submissives and wanted to meet me. I never did for two reasons. The big one was trust. I put a big priority on that. I don't think its possible to have any relationship, even casual, when going in your partner is there, by definition, breaking a trust which when initiated was 'vowed' to be "'till death do us part". I couldn't reconcile the possibility of developing the trust needed for the mental and emotional aspect of a relationship I desired with a person who, for reasons good or bad, was breaking a vow just to be with me for the sake of receiving a sensation. Whether the spouse could or wouldn't provide it didn't matter. I came from the same place and spent years keeping my vow in lieu of enjoying a dynamic I desired. The other was associated with my personal selfish goal; which at the time I thought would never be achieved. I wanted to meet someone who potentially could be my 'slave' as I defined it; no job, no other 'Masters' in their lives. A spouse would exclude them for that reason. There was one exception early on, I connected with a woman who had a spouse. We were chatting for a couple of days before she disclosed she was married but had the full approval of her spouse. Our safety setting conversations before meeting included a long chat with him. He knew that BDSM was an essential part of his wife's fulfillment, tried it - hated it, and their compromise was to have a open marriage. Well, that just about described the last 10 years of my first marriage so if there was an exception to be tried, this was going to be it. I met her, and we got together, played, and went to a club. It was an interesting weekend. It never went anywhere because I couldn't get the idea out of my head that she not only had a husband but young child at home and no great weekend of sex included sensation could get me to rationalize continuing contact. The most accurate way to describe out time together was it was 'hollow'. She was a great person, very in touch with herself, confident, and fun. It was a me issue. Although this thread is pointed at "cheating spouses" it really comes back to you. You are the facilitator. You have to look in the mirror the day after. You have to accept the 'rules' of engagement. You have to reconcile or rationalize that this person represents a partner you desired to fulfill your needs, desires, and fantasies. A secret affair means few holiday occasions together, guilt if there are children involved, hopeless nights when you need someone intimate to talk to occurring outside the time its okay to call. At best, you're looking at the calender counting the days which, for whatever reason, have to pass so you can be together; "till death do you part". At that point you'll be the spouse wondering if THIS time, you can trust them. Good Luck!

Aileen1968 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 9:54:04 AM)
Oh please. I'll be the first one to say that I made awful choices. But you coming in here saying that the other half of a broken marriage takes no blame in the situation is just ridiculous.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 10:03:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth ~ FAST REPLY ~ Back in the early days when I moved to LA and hung out a profile, I was contacted by a number of woman who identified as submissives and wanted to meet me. I never did for two reasons. The big one was trust. I put a big priority on that. I don't think its possible to have any relationship, even casual, when going in your partner is there, by definition, breaking a trust which when initiated was 'vowed' to be "'till death do us part". I couldn't reconcile the possibility of developing the trust needed for the mental and emotional aspect of a relationship I desired with a person who, for reasons good or bad, was breaking a vow just to be with me for the sake of receiving a sensation. Whether the spouse could or wouldn't provide it didn't matter. I came from the same place and spent years keeping my vow in lieu of enjoying a dynamic I desired. The other was associated with my personal selfish goal; which at the time I thought would never be achieved. I wanted to meet someone who potentially could be my 'slave' as I defined it; no job, no other 'Masters' in their lives. A spouse would exclude them for that reason. There was one exception early on, I connected with a woman who had a spouse. We were chatting for a couple of days before she disclosed she was married but had the full approval of her spouse. Our safety setting conversations before meeting included a long chat with him. He knew that BDSM was an essential part of his wife's fulfillment, tried it - hated it, and their compromise was to have a open marriage. Well, that just about described the last 10 years of my first marriage so if there was an exception to be tried, this was going to be it. I met her, and we got together, played, and went to a club. It was an interesting weekend. It never went anywhere because I couldn't get the idea out of my head that she not only had a husband but young child at home and no great weekend of sex included sensation could get me to rationalize continuing contact. The most accurate way to describe out time together was it was 'hollow'. She was a great person, very in touch with herself, confident, and fun. It was a me issue. Although this thread is pointed at "cheating spouses" it really comes back to you. You are the facilitator. You have to look in the mirror the day after. You have to accept the 'rules' of engagement. You have to reconcile or rationalize that this person represents a partner you desired to fulfill your needs, desires, and fantasies. A secret affair means few holiday occasions together, guilt if there are children involved, hopeless nights when you need someone intimate to talk to occurring outside the time its okay to call. At best, you're looking at the calender counting the days which, for whatever reason, have to pass so you can be together; "till death do you part". At that point you'll be the spouse wondering if THIS time, you can trust them. Good Luck! I agree with everything you said Merc. I made huge mistakes. I am the first person to say that I am far from perfect. I can say that I will never make those mistakes again. I just get annoyed at the people on their high horses who see the world in black and white without realizing that there are all kinds of gray mixed in. My ex was not guiltless in the ending of our marriage. Far from it.

breatheasone -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 10:27:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 Oh please. I'll be the first one to say that I made awful choices. But you coming in here saying that the other half of a broken marriage takes no blame in the situation is just ridiculous. Aileen, i love you posts, and enjoy reading them. i'm not so sure viranda was saying no responsibility for the break up of the marriage, i think she was saying the actual cheating itself was under their control. At least thats how i took it....ymmv

subangi -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 10:28:09 AM)
Cheating spouses are like amoebas...they conform to any surrounding at that time, and are asexual. If they are in a certain area, they try to mimic that environment, and sometimes end up bursting in the process...but then they will split apart and try again, maybe not in the same environment if possible. A cheating spouse tells you what you want to hear to get what he/she wants...they are very smooth about that. The form of sex is not meant to be mutually gratifying, but to fullfill his/her own need. Knowing you are with a cheating spouse, your life must not be peachy, so he /she can feed off that by giving you a sad sack story of why they are still married, and you will be sympathetic and be an enabler. Needless to say, I am not attracted to amoebas. To me, a dominant can never be an amoeba and vise versa.

VAcontroldom -> RE: Cheating spouses (11/20/2009 10:49:38 AM)
I would suggest confining your decision to you and your husband and hold him accountable for his relationship. I was one of those people who thought Monica did not owe Hilary an apology for what Bill chose to do. Of course there was widespread disagreement about that, so you are going to get the same diversity of opinion here, but with far more intense emotions attached to personal situations

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