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What do you do when you STOP being physically attracted... - 12/5/2009 12:08:59 PM   
LafayetteLady


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From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		We've discussed how important physical attraction is at the START of a relationship. But what about something happening "midway" through, I thought it would be more interesting to wonder: What do you do when you STOP being physically attracted to your slave (or your master)? Do you leave? Do you stay? Did your slave as a person ever really mean something to you to begin with (or your master)?

Obviously, when there is no loving relationship between the parties involved the answers will change. But if you enter what you believe to be a loving relationship, how important is maintaining the status quo physically? Going on the male master/female slave perspective, what if your slave develops breast cancer and has a mastecomy? Are you justified in not wanting to touch her because her breasts are gone or she is bald from chemotherapy? What about the master who goes from having the six pack, to just looking "normal?" What do we do when gravity strikes and one or more parts on either the master or the slave begin to sag? Is it ok to say "Eww, I can't really get hot for you anymore?"
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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 12:18:51 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
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Status: offline 		How is this different from any other relationship?

One hopes the participants are mature.

But further, come on--no one builds a long term relationship on looks alone. First, you'd be bored quickly. Second, attraction encompasses far more than looks.

As Shakespeare put it, "Love looks not with the eye, but with the mind."

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 12:42:54 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		LafayetteLady, you give examples where a woman had her looks compromised by something outside of her control.  In my case, my ex-wife gave up on her looks.  She refused to eat better or exercise, and gained eighty pounds.  This created two issues for me: she did not appeal to me physically, and I also was angry that she did not care whether she was attractive to me or not.

There were other issues, but this one helped break up our marriage.


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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 12:55:22 PM   
LafayetteLady


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From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Steven,

I did indeed give examples where it was outside forces. Those were the things that just happened to come to mind.

Musicmystery,

I agree I would hope the people were more mature. However, I based this on slaveana's thread. Her question was about an existing, ongoing relationship and physical attraction ceasing, yet everyone took the position of how physical attraction is important when finding a relationship and how negotions at the start are so important, blah, blah, blah.

Sure they are very important when seeking. But based on a good number of those responses it seems that at least some of the respondents would stay for no other reason than "being his slave." Personally, if I am deeply committed to them, regardless of physical changes, my feelings for them don't change, but when seeking that person to be committed to, physical attraction does play a part.

In any case, I do few it as superficial to end a relationship based on physical changes. I find it absolutely repulsive to (using slaveana's example) tell someone that not only am I no longer physically attracted to them, but they will be prohibited from physical intimacy with anyone, implying that they have become so repugnant that no one would want them.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 1:19:17 PM   
dreamerdreaming


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Address underlying causes.

What I would do, depends on the reasons for the changes in them, or the change in my feelings.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 1:31:47 PM   
crazyml


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

We've discussed how important physical attraction is at the START of a relationship. But what about something happening "midway" through, I thought it would be more interesting to wonder: What do you do when you STOP being physically attracted to your slave (or your master)? Do you leave? Do you stay? Did your slave as a person ever really mean something to you to begin with (or your master)?


This is a hard one - I don't really distinguish between finding someone "attractive" and finding someone "physically attractive" - Since physical attraction is a whole mix of things. If I no longer found someone attractive, it would most likely signify the end of the relationship.

quote:


Obviously, when there is no loving relationship between the parties involved the answers will change. But if you enter what you believe to be a loving relationship, how important is maintaining the status quo physically? Going on the male master/female slave perspective, what if your slave develops breast cancer and has a mastecomy?


This is a pretty extreme example...
quote:


Are you justified in not wanting to touch her because her breasts are gone or she is bald from chemotherapy?

"justified" is a toughie in this context- the get out of jail argument might be you can't always "justify" feelings - Personally, I am absolutely sure that I would still find a partner attractive under these circumstances.

quote:


What about the master who goes from having the six pack, to just looking "normal?" What do we do when gravity strikes and one or more parts on either the master or the slave begin to sag? Is it ok to say "Eww, I can't really get hot for you anymore?"


Yes, I think it's "OK" - if those are the parameters that determine attractiveness for you.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 2:26:04 PM   
antipode


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quote:

what if your slave develops breast cancer and has a mastecomy?


How do you come up with this stuff? And how is this related to BDSM? I have to tell you I am less concerned about my SO getting sick, than my SO spending her Saturdays thinking up these kinds of doomsday scenarios.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 3:16:22 PM   
windchymes


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Status: offline 		That's why it's good to start relationships when you're already old and ugly.  That way, you already look like what you're going to look like when you get older, and you know that they love you for who you are, not what you look like.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 3:24:23 PM   
Justme696


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Status: offline 		I don't think the attraction would go away in one day. It will fade slowly.....and propably the relation will fade slowly also.
But I will not be disrespectfull about it. I would never be able to do that..especially when you are long together.
Won't be easy this situation...if it would happen.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 3:47:55 PM   
LafayetteLady


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quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

That's why it's good to start relationships when you're already old and ugly.  That way, you already look like what you're going to look like when you get older, and you know that they love you for who you are, not what you look like.


Wonderfully good answer! But it begs the question, how do you know when you are old enough and ugly enough to be ready?

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

what if your slave develops breast cancer and has a mastecomy?


How do you come up with this stuff? And how is this related to BDSM? I have to tell you I am less concerned about my SO getting sick, than my SO spending her Saturdays thinking up these kinds of doomsday scenarios.




That's like saying that real life and BDSM aren't related. Unless of course, one is living in a world where BDSM is nothing more than fantasy and real life issues, like illnesses, PMS, unemployment, death of loved ones don't enter into the equation. In real life, shit happens. People get sick, sometimes not on a so temporary basis but in a life changing basis. There is nothing wrong with wanting to avoid physical contact when someone has the flu or a very bad cold, if for no other reason than a desire to keep from getting sick yourself. Those situations are temporary, not everything that happens in life is.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 3:49:50 PM   
GoddessImaginos


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Status: offline 		This whole thread is a good example of why I don't do casual play and could never enter into any sort of a BDSM relationship with anyone I did not already have vested feelings that transcend the physical for. My opinion only.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 3:55:11 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessImaginos

This whole thread is a good example of why I don't do casual play and could never enter into any sort of a BDSM relationship with anyone I did not already have vested feelings that transcend the physical for. My opinion only.


No GI not just your opinion, I agree....big surprise there. Honestly if physical attracition is all there is to the relationship it's superficial at best and probably would have ended anyway. For me too, there has GOT to be more there than physical attraction. I don't see what this really has to do with BDSM though.


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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 3:58:17 PM   
GoddessImaginos


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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessImaginos

This whole thread is a good example of why I don't do casual play and could never enter into any sort of a BDSM relationship with anyone I did not already have vested feelings that transcend the physical for. My opinion only.


No GI not just your opinion, I agree....big surprise there. Honestly if physical attracition is all there is to the relationship it's superficial at best and probably would have ended anyway. For me too, there has GOT to be more there than physical attraction. I don't see what this really has to do with BDSM though.



Exactly. It's like gee, what happens when I fall out of love with My SO after X number of years of marriage because what, I don't find them attractive anymore? Beg yer pardon?

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:25:29 PM   
sweetsub1957


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Well, I base my attraction to Someone on much more than just looks, and I would hope to Goddess that Anyone in a relationship with me would do the same.  Otherwise, it's all superficial and only skin-deep.  Of course looks matter, some, but it's not all that matters.  I would not dump Someone just because they started to get older, sag, or whatever, and I hope I wouldn't be dumped because of that...although I do try to take care of myself.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:28:19 PM   
GoddessImaginos


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

~Fast Reply~
Well, I base my attraction to Someone on much more than just looks, and I would hope to Goddess that Anyone in a relationship with me would do the same.  Otherwise, it's all superficial and only skin-deep.  Of course looks matter, some, but it's not all that matters.  I would not dump Someone just because they started to get older, sag, or whatever, and I hope I wouldn't be dumped because of that...although I do try to take care of myself.


{{{HUGS}}} da sweetsub..

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:30:34 PM   
LafayetteLady


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessImaginos

Exactly. It's like gee, what happens when I fall out of love with My SO after X number of years of marriage because what, I don't find them attractive anymore? Beg yer pardon?


Which is really the whole point in a nutshell. That there really isn't that much difference between relationships in or out of the lifestyle when you really come down to the main issues.

The whole thought behind this thread was borne not just out of slaveana's post, but from the abundant threads from subs/slaves who seem to think that there is some huge difference in the choices within the world of BDSM. From threads of "I'm so unhappy, but he won't release me, what do I do?" to "we agreed to be monogamous, now he says he wants poly, do I have a choice?", I see so many with the thought that you agreed to give up control of your life, now he makes the rules and you have to live it. Before anyone flames me for that, yes, a great majority (Thank God) says, "hey, you still have the right to walk if you are unhappy" and "try to have a discussion about it."

Yet, at the same time, there are still so many who think this has nothing to do with BDSM. Do our preferences of race have to do with BDSM? Our desire that someone be local or not? The basics about choosing a partner, aside from having shared interests and beliefs when it comes to BDSM have absolutely nothing to do with BDSM. It's about what we find attractive, what we desire in a partner.

And for the record, I agree that there is more to attraction than simply someone's appearance. I have shared my life on and off with someone for nearly 14 years and it has continued through weight gain, weight loss, surgery, cancer scares, and various physical scars. The times we choose to be apart are never because our attraction has faded, always more to do with other issues.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:31:51 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


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quote:

Exactly. It's like gee, what happens when I fall out of love with My SO after X number of years of marriage because what, I don't find them attractive anymore? Beg yer pardon?


And if this question had been posed in that context I'll bet a lot of people would be scratching their heads.


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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:36:03 PM   
sweetsub1957


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Hugs back to You GoddessImaginos.  And hugs to You, too, LafayetteLady.  Hugs all around!! 

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:39:07 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady


quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

That's why it's good to start relationships when you're already old and ugly.  That way, you already look like what you're going to look like when you get older, and you know that they love you for who you are, not what you look like.


Wonderfully good answer! But it begs the question, how do you know when you are old enough and ugly enough to be ready?



LOL.....I guess if you're still together in 5 years, you were ready!

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RE: What do you do when you STOP being physically attra... - 12/5/2009 4:51:55 PM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

What do you do when you STOP being physically attracted to your slave (or your master)? Do you leave? Do you stay?
 

 But if you enter what you believe to be a loving relationship, how important is maintaining the status quo physically?

 
OP:
 
when?  or if?

 
The status quo( state of being) CANNOT be maintained as it is in the beginning...we AGE...tits fall..asses drop..chins multiple..
 
Health can be maintianed...fitness..yes..
but some of what you mentioned is disease..and a circumstance.
 
HOW important is it to stick thru sickness adn health..and better or worse..??
 
I gained 150 lbs after my husbands death...to to bingeing...1oo is now gone..
IT was IMPORTANT for me to do that(release) for health etc..
 
and if I had a mate who
felt this was repulsive( the gain) then we would certainly deal with it because I was not what/who I was when we met...
 
and it is something I could deal with or not and thus contribute to the demise or re-building of the relationship.
 
 
GM
 
 
GM
 
 
 

< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 12/5/2009 4:54:26 PM >

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