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RE: what if - 12/17/2009 2:16:55 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		If HE wanted ME badly enough where he was willing to tone down the sadism a little, and did so, then I'd consider going back.  If not, then I'd consider him just a little too self-centered for me and I'd move on. 

I just don't think this is all about the sub doing all the adapting and changing to suit the Dom.  From what I read in here, the most successful D/s couples are those who were pretty much suited to each other at the outset and maybe just did a little tweaking between themselves to make what they now have perfect for them.  As opposed to, believing "He or She is The One For Me and I'll make myself do or be whatever I have to to be with them forever".

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 2:57:24 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		Am I the only one who sees this as simply a relationship with two people who are a clear fetish mismatch and nothing more? I feel like it. Then again, the bulk of the responses are from submissive females so it is to be expected that the guy will be lambasted in absentia. They don't fit. It's that simple. Why the guy has to be villianized simply for being the square peg that does not fit into her round hole is beyond me.

Wait. Not it's not. This is Collar Me.


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(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 4:11:24 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Who is lambasting? My god some men are sensitive creatures! Everyone here suggested that it isn't a good match. Some people gave their reasons. I didn't see anyone that suggested this guy was an ass, fucktard, ect, simply because he happens to be a sadist. Some of us like sadists. But the in the case presented in the OP, this is a mismatch.

(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 5:00:39 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I never go back...ever.

It has nothing to do with the sadism. I'm not a painslut either.

It has nothing to do with bdsm or d/s.

It has to do with the fact that for me when a relationship ends it ends for a reason.

I have no desire to go  back to what was the reason I was leaving behind in the first place.

(in reply to QuirkyAnne)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 5:26:11 PM   
kallisto


Posts: 1185
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It has to do with the fact that for me when a relationship ends it ends for a reason.

I have no desire to go  back to what was the reason I was leaving behind in the first place.



Exactly my thoughts.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 5:46:40 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		OK, assuming both parties matured and the original reason for breaking up has been resolved . . .

Yes, I'd go back. If the D/s was that good, that would outweigh my aversion to pain (but considering I'm a masochist, it's hard for me to imagine having an aversion to pain). But I would go back assuming he wouldn't change and that I would have to adapt to his extreme sadism. I think relationships in which one partner wants to change something that is fundamentally part of the other partner are always doomed.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 8:46:24 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

youre with a man you love deeply. he makes you laugh he engages youre submission like noone else ever has or is likely to. he put you in that happy place where submission is effortless because everything you do for him is noticed, appreciated and understood. you talk the same language, understand the same emotions, see the world through the same eyes and know deep in youre heart that you could love this man for ever.

but he's a mother of a sadist. he hurts you sometimes thats borderline evil and youre no pain slut.

then things go tits up (for whatever reason thats irrelevant to this question) and the whole thing ends.

..... would you go back there if the chance arose.

and please dont concentrate on the 'tits up' bit. i know how you guys like to focus on the minutae, please resist the urge



Ok, sure the D/s thing is a big part of the relationship. But it isn't the ONLY part. And this question to me isn't really simply about do you go back to a sadist when you are not a sadist. This is a question about meeting your soul mate, but there is one thing about them that just bugs you. Once again, we travel into, GASP, pure relationship stuff.

Yes, the fact that he is a sadist and you are not is a BIG problem, but far and I mean LIGHT YEARS away from being insurmountable. There are some things to consider though. Such as how long have you been apart? Splitting for just a short while doesn't give your mind time to figure out whether all the other "warm fuzzies" are something you can find with someone else. Because sometimes the old adage of time heals all wounds in far too true.

Why is this important? When I was in my late teens/early twenties I had a boyfriend who I loved with all my heart (or so I thought). There were problems and after 4 years we broke up. I thought I would never, EVER, find someone that I loved like that again. For a long time I didn't. But then the feeling went away.

Flash forward a bunch of years, I'm now 32, freshly divorced, and I have another boyfriend. From the very first time he held me in his arms, I got that "feeling." Again, things are not perfect (as things rarely are). Some things we work on and improve, some things keep going wrong. There are multiple breaks, but somehow we always find our way back to each other. Then one day something just goes "tits up" as you put it, and I walk away. Stayed away for nearly a year. Didn't speak, didn't run into each other nothing. Time heals all, right?

Well, recently, I had a phone conversation with the guy from my twenties and we had a nice talk about old times. We laughed, we caught up, it was nice. On the other hand, when by chance I started talking with the one from my 30s (and the ages are just markers, they mean nothing), that "feeling" was still there. Just at the sound of his voice.

Ok, so now everyone is going what's the freaking point, right? The point is that if you feel that strongly about the person, that feeling isn't going to go away with time, meeting someone else, whatever. On your deathbed you will be remembering how you loved THAT person and how you wished you had worked it out.

So can there be a compromise? If he feels about you the way you feel about him, then yes, there will be a compromise. Given the nature of the problem, I don't know what that compromise might be. That's something that only the two of you can figure out. Given his dominant nature, compromise is probably not something he is really used to. But if you give him the same "warm fuzzies" that he gives you, and if you both have an ounce of sense, you will realize that what you described doesn't come along every day and some people spend their whole life looking for it and die never knowing what it is.

So yes, you take that chance again. You take the chance because only a fool throws that kind of love away without giving it another shot and trying to make it work.

I know because I did just that. Things still aren't perfect, I don't expect they ever will be. But we have both figured out that there is no one else in the world that makes us feel the way the other one does and that makes all the difference.

So let the flaming begin. Yep, I am a romantic, I believe in the fairy tale. But I went back and I'm still not sorry that I did. We have been together 14 years this January, so I guess my belief in fairy tales must mean something.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: what if - 12/17/2009 10:16:53 PM   
QuirkyAnne


Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

If HE wanted ME badly enough where he was willing to tone down the sadism a little, and did so, then I'd consider going back.  If not, then I'd consider him just a little too self-centered for me and I'd move on. 

I just don't think this is all about the sub doing all the adapting and changing to suit the Dom.  From what I read in here, the most successful D/s couples are those who were pretty much suited to each other at the outset and maybe just did a little tweaking between themselves to make what they now have perfect for them.  As opposed to, believing "He or She is The One For Me and I'll make myself do or be whatever I have to to be with them forever".


I wasn't suggesting that she change to suit the Dom.  The reason I was asking if she'd talked to him about this was to find out if HE would be willing to do just what you said.  There are two sides to every story, and all relationships are more complicated than can be explained in a collarme.com post, but it seems like the main issue was this guy went far beyond her limits to the point that it was only enjoyable for him. 

I actually feel sorry for the OP since I can identify with her situation.  I too had a Dom who satisfied me in every way imaginable save for one and it was every bit as much of a deal breaker as the OP found it to be.  I truly hope that, if the situation doesn't change, she won't return to this person.

Anne

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 6:30:15 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		This may be an unpopular view, but I don't believe compromise usually works. In my experience, compromise usually breeds bitterness and resentment. One thing I like about D/s is that it makes it clear that if push comes to shove, the s-type changes, not the D-type (huge oversimplification, I know relationships are complicated, but in essence, that's what happens). I think in the scenario Lally described, compromise isn't going to work. The guy is a major sadist--he can't compromise on WHO HE IS and still be who he is.

If I went back--and I probably would--I'd go back not expecting compromise or change on his part.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to QuirkyAnne)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 6:42:04 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Ok, so now everyone is going what's the freaking point, right? The point is that if you feel that strongly about the person, that feeling isn't going to go away with time, meeting someone else, whatever. On your deathbed you will be remembering how you loved THAT person and how you wished you had worked it out.



or you sit on the anniversary of one man passing over, a week to go till the anniversary of the other one passing over.  (5 and 3 years respectively)

life goes on.  love never really dies.  fortunately for me, TheEngineer understands, and lets me have grief time as i need it.  i dont love these two that passed MORE than i love TheEngineer (evil bastard that he can be) but i still miss the other two.

kitten, wrapped in the mopes today.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 6:59:05 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pixidustpet

or you sit on the anniversary of one man passing over, a week to go till the anniversary of the other one passing over.  (5 and 3 years respectively)

life goes on.  love never really dies.  fortunately for me, TheEngineer understands, and lets me have grief time as i need it.  i dont love these two that passed MORE than i love TheEngineer (evil bastard that he can be) but i still miss the other two.

kitten, wrapped in the mopes today.


Hugs. Hang in there.

It sounds like you have a very healthy outlook on all this.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to pixidustpet)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 7:21:47 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i suppose im with LL and others who say that if the love and relationship is the type you just dont fnd too often in one lifetime then its worth another go. i also agree with those that say the only way you could go back is to discuss what went wrong and work on that.

i see a bdsm mismatch as someone whose into rubber and the other really isnt. or into bondage and the other isnt. degration and the other isnt. etc., the reason i chose sadism against non-masochism is that its a fuzzy area for many.

for some subs the whole struggle to submit to a Dominant they are completely submissive to and absolutely trust and know s/he cares about them deeply is hugely cathartic. a non-massochist can and often does find themselves a sadist because a part of them needs that struggle but the Dominant has to be a sadist, has to enjoy the job, has to enjoy watching the sub struggle or its impossible for the sub to submit to it. to submit to a Dominant who is iffy about pushing pain limits with a sub who isnt a masso makes the whole exercise pointless. why go there atal. and yet for many non-masso's that expression of submission goes deep for them and to ask a non-sadist to go there for them starts to feel wrong - it becomes a service from the dominant rather than a need in the Dominant that the submissive can satisfy.

on the other side of the whip some sadists get a great deal of pleasure from causing genuine suffering as apposed to delivering pain that is enjoyed and pleasurable. in a 'peverse' way some sadists and some non-massos are a strong match.

there are many relationships like that going on around the place. but the rest of it has to be strong.

the tricky thing about submission is that when youre not in submission to someone fully such prospects are daunting, especially when you know whats in store.

im not someone who advocates going back either. i never ever have. reasons for leaving people have been final, irreffutable, unresolveable. but if the issues were resolveable and the love was still there the connection was still there, the conversations, understanding, ebb and flow of two people synchronized and they could use the past as a springboard into something stronger then i would.

personally i think that if the relationship/love/caring/respect is strong then you can work around the rest of it because youve learnt from the first attempt that failed.

im with LL on the fairy tale thing - but i also agree with everyone else. to go back to something that hasnt changed and will never change and the reasons for leaving are still there is completely pointless no matter how much you love them.



< Message edited by lally2 -- 12/18/2009 7:24:14 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to pixidustpet)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 7:26:39 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pixidustpet

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
Ok, so now everyone is going what's the freaking point, right? The point is that if you feel that strongly about the person, that feeling isn't going to go away with time, meeting someone else, whatever. On your deathbed you will be remembering how you loved THAT person and how you wished you had worked it out.



or you sit on the anniversary of one man passing over, a week to go till the anniversary of the other one passing over.  (5 and 3 years respectively)

life goes on.  love never really dies.  fortunately for me, TheEngineer understands, and lets me have grief time as i need it.  i dont love these two that passed MORE than i love TheEngineer (evil bastard that he can be) but i still miss the other two.

kitten, wrapped in the mopes today.


sending hugs too. xx

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to pixidustpet)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 8:19:05 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Don't do it lally!  The fact that your struggling with this decisions is all you need to know.  You can find a relationship without someone beating on you.    Dont get me wrong I really enjoi beating my girl ...but we both enjoi it....  are you seeing the difference here? 

Take care of your fine self lally.   Lusting you from across the pond ..

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 8:38:24 AM   
lapgirl


Posts: 116
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		Are you happy? Do the pros outweigh the cons? Important to remember that there is a lid for every jar.... just takes time to rummage around and find the right one.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 8:47:51 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapgirl

Do the pros outweigh the cons?

This is the only pertinent question in the whole ordeal.

It's just analysis of probabilities and gambling on emotional cost-effectiveness based on your odds.

(Staying with him) vs. (Being without him and single) vs. (The probabilities of finding someone who fulfills [at least] an equal percentage of your total relationship prerequisites without an equally overt mismatch)


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 8:50:15 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lapgirl

Important to remember that there is a lid for every jar....

On the other hand, this doesn't help. Humans aren't karmic counterpoles. Working under the presumption that you'll inevitably find something/someone better (thereby making abandoning the current situation without an objective analysis easier) is a recipe for later disappointment or solitude.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 9:36:26 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		I couldn't tell anyone else what to do, but I would probably go back to him if he was really that perfect in every way but one. I'm moderately masochistic, but I've played with people more sadistic than I am masochistic, and it's easy enough I guess to push beyond the boundries of pleasurable pain. If I'm really submitting to someone, I'm completely comfortable with that.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 9:58:34 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: afterforever



_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: what if - 12/18/2009 10:25:43 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		You can beat me 'til it hurts any day NZ.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 40
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