what if (Full Version)

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lally2 -> what if (12/17/2009 8:18:53 AM)

youre with a man you love deeply. he makes you laugh he engages youre submission like noone else ever has or is likely to. he put you in that happy place where submission is effortless because everything you do for him is noticed, appreciated and understood. you talk the same language, understand the same emotions, see the world through the same eyes and know deep in youre heart that you could love this man for ever.

but he's a mother of a sadist. he hurts you sometimes thats borderline evil and youre no pain slut.

then things go tits up (for whatever reason thats irrelevant to this question) and the whole thing ends.

..... would you go back there if the chance arose.

and please dont concentrate on the 'tits up' bit. i know how you guys like to focus on the minutae, please resist the urge [:D]



lusciouslips19 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 8:27:55 AM)

If he had no respect for limits and boundaries and scared me. No,I would not.



lusciouslips19 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 8:31:18 AM)

Also, the reasons for the ending would be very relevant to me as to if I would consider it. If he mucked things up because of selfishness or insensitivity or he violated my limits with his evil sadism, i would think that would be relevant and an important piece of the discussion of if I would take someone back. Usually the reasons for the end still are their when you take them back and it rears its head again.



sophiesback -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 8:36:02 AM)

Always have gone back, would like to think i could change that, but the happenings in the past two days tell me i will likely do it again.



LaTigresse -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 8:36:15 AM)

I have known quite a few relationships that have ended then begun again. The only time it was successful and they didn't end again, was when the reason for the original breakup was strongly based upon immaturity and they had both matured greatly since.



sexyred1 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 8:40:14 AM)

No. Been there, done that, will not do it again. Most often, people do not change. Only if they really want to.



persephonee -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 9:03:42 AM)

i tend to deal with past relationships like sour milk.

If i taste it on Monday, and its sour, i dont put it back in the fridge and try it again on Wednesday.

If i do try it again, and its still sour.....i cant be surprised by that. i can only be irritated that i hadnt tossed the container on Monday when i should have.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 9:34:22 AM)

I would have to say NO. Things go tits up for a reason, generally, and did that reason really go away? Is it worth the chance?



MissBeautiful2U -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 9:34:53 AM)

In my opinion, it would depend on why the relationship ended.  Are you willing to allow him to indulge in his desires to create pain?  Even though you might not like it, you will know he loves it.  If he treats you well in every other respect and this is something you can handle for him, I'd recommend giving it another go.  If the reasons for the breakup haven't been resolved however or you have no desire to submit to the type of play that he enjoyed, then move on.  There are others who will treat you with respect... and sometimes things just aren't meant to be no matter how wonderful someone was otherwise.



lally2 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 9:51:02 AM)

ok. taking everyones point on board and i completely agree that going back isnt always the best option.

but lets say these guys have matured, realised that what they had was worth trying for again because everything else was good, the sort of stuff thats hard to find. the relationship stuff, like chemistry and sharing silence, cuddling up and there being no gap between youre body and theirs cos you just want to be as close as possible. that hard to find stuff -

but he's a heavy sadist and youe not a massochist or whatever (think of something youre not so keen on). its stuff you havent missed and you dont particularly want again but the Ds made up for it in a big big way. its the sort of Ds you cant find that easily or havent found since and the chemistry between you zings and zangs like noone has ever.

which would come first to you. the relationship (allowing for the fact that theyve both grown up and matured and gone through what went wrong and have talked openly and honestly about why and how) or would you turn the relationship down because you know what he likes bdsm-wise and at times it was really hard to handle

basically im just wondering where the cut off might be for people. you had an amazing relationship thats hard to find, its had its ups and downs but youre going to give it another go because of that.

or do you turn it down because the bdsm play is heavy and you havent missed it and you cant imagine going to that level again.

i know this is hypothetical but ive been wondering about this a bit.

allowing for the fact there is plenty of bdsm play on offer, any amount of kink on offer, all sorts of fuck buddies and all kinds out there - but finding a level of Ds that really works and i mean REALLY works - that doesnt come along every day, week, month or even year. it gives you that happy fuzzy feeling and you just slip into who you are seemlessly and effortlessly




persephonee -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 9:58:54 AM)

if the level of D/s was, as you say, working, your play would be in line with the rest of the features of the dynamic.

When i first came to Master we were not completely compatible in play and some other areas...but due to his willingness to be open and communicative, he was able to hear what i needed in those areas and then created a way to incorporate what i needed into what he wanted to give....and in the process, somehow, out of gratitude for his openess and willingness to adapt, i have adapted too.

Looking back on what i used to want/crave and comparing it to what i want/crave now....its completely different and more in line with what he initially wanted in the first place...yet i dont even recall that shift happening and only notice it now, cuz you brought the subject up.



Missokyst -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 10:01:32 AM)

If I was not much of a masochist, whether I liked him or not, I would not go back to someone who needed to push those boundries. It would lead to my believing that he didn't like me very much.



Justme696 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 10:57:59 AM)

somehow I see females go back when they are mistreated.
Something I can't explain.



lally2 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 11:42:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U

In my opinion, it would depend on why the relationship ended.  Are you willing to allow him to indulge in his desires to create pain? Even though you might not like it, you will know he loves it. If he treats you well in every other respect and this is something you can handle for him, I'd recommend giving it another go.  If the reasons for the breakup haven't been resolved however or you have no desire to submit to the type of play that he enjoyed, then move on.  There are others who will treat you with respect... and sometimes things just aren't meant to be no matter how wonderful someone was otherwise.



i think this is the issue really (the blue bit) - since submission isnt always about what we love, sometimes there will be thngs we dislike or even hate as part of it.

in a way when a sub goes into a relationship, very often there will be things that transpire that they find hard to handle (is that mistreatment) as persephone has said there was a period of time when she and her Master had to negotiate their play.

every relationship i have ever entered has had an element to it that i have had to submit to rather than particularly wanting to. its part of the deal. ive forced my submission through something before now and sometimes ive been surprised by my ability to deal with it.

its scary sometimes entering into a relationship you dont really have a clue about, not really, things evolve and change. these boards are full of it at times. he wants me to do bi, he wants me to play publicly. parameters are pushed, of course they are, nothing ever stays the same or it goes stagnant.

so. going into something you already know pushes you hard for someone you know you connect with and in there is submission to a man you trust and respect and really like. in a way you already have it all. its tried and tested and grown from adversity.

im getting the feeling from the majority that if the bdsm doesnt fit the emotional element, the relationship element is forfeit.





lally2 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 11:50:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

If I was not much of a masochist, whether I liked him or not, I would not go back to someone who needed to push those boundries. It would lead to my believing that he didn't like me very much.


this is an excellent point. yes there is the question that when a sadistic Dominant takes a non massochistic submissive and puts her through hell he somehow puts his needs above hers. and yet there are a number of relationships on here that thrive well on that. the whole needing to struggle/needing to inflict struggle.

but if he really cared about you and you knew he did - the whole of you, all of you, everything about you. would you put that before play you didnt like.



lally2 -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 12:00:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

Also, the reasons for the ending would be very relevant to me as to if I would consider it. If he mucked things up because of selfishness or insensitivity or he violated my limits with his evil sadism, i would think that would be relevant and an important piece of the discussion of if I would take someone back. Usually the reasons for the end still are their when you take them back and it rears its head again.


yes. i completely agree with this.

as someone who tends not to repeat a relationship i find the concept alien, ill admit. but im really curious about where Ds or Ms extrapolates against play.



DesFIP -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 12:01:04 PM)

If the original problem still existed, then no I wouldn't go back knowing it hadn't or couldn't be solved.
However in a case like this, I might suggest that he work out his sadism on a willing victim in a public play space. Preferably someone he was not sexually attracted to such as a heavy male bottom.

This presumes that the only stumbling block is the sadism. But it wouldn't be play I didn't like but could tolerate once a month, you're talking play I couldn't ever do. Honestly, if our needs are that badly mismatched, then we might be great friends but I wouldn't get involved in the first place.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 12:23:40 PM)

Speaking from the other side...

I am a heavy sadist. I just can't really DO that soft sensual stuff and feel satisfied, though I am capable of playing at a person's level no matter what that is. If I found someone for whom the D/s element was really there, and the rest of the relationship WORKED... well, I could find another maso to play with!

Yes, it helps to be poly, and to be able to play without sex, or consideration for gender. I can totally kick ass at a party and cheerfully leave with my sub.



Missokyst -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 12:26:53 PM)

There are quite a few things I don't like, caning for one. I don't have problems separating my partners need to be sadistic vs my ability to sustain myself when enduring pain. BUT, if this was something that was consistant, if I felt that no matter what my feelings were on the matter and he continued to push those boundries..? Then as much as I think he may like me, in this case actions do speak louder than words.

Putting it in a nilla senario it would be like if I knew he detested broccoli and I opted to prepare it when he came over for dinner regardless of what he desired.


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

If I was not much of a masochist, whether I liked him or not, I would not go back to someone who needed to push those boundries. It would lead to my believing that he didn't like me very much.


this is an excellent point. yes there is the question that when a sadistic Dominant takes a non massochistic submissive and puts her through hell he somehow puts his needs above hers. and yet there are a number of relationships on here that thrive well on that. the whole needing to struggle/needing to inflict struggle.

but if he really cared about you and you knew he did - the whole of you, all of you, everything about you. would you put that before play you didnt like.




QuirkyAnne -> RE: what if (12/17/2009 1:03:37 PM)

Have you sat down and discussed your concerns over his sadistic urges that hurt/frighten you (and not in a pleasurable way) with him?

Anne



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