RE: what if

RE: what if (Full Version)

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Phoenixpower -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 3:35:51 PM)
When I met my C-Dom the first time again after not meeting him for 4 years I had left him after about 40 minutes...why? Because he pushed too hard too fast....there was no need to rush as he did on that occassion and that in addition that I was bloody thirsty after a horrendous hassle to get to him (due to train cancelled as staff didnt bother to turn up)....on that day he wanted to know what the issue is and he really asked it nicely but because of how all went I didn't want to be with him anymore in that night...the following day I felt ready to explain to him what annoyed me...and we met again about 3 weeks later...and I had my best meeting ever with him [:D] Can't wait to meet him again in January [:)] So for me it dependet on him acknowledging his part as well...yes I might have overreacted a bit...however, so did he and then sometimes it goes the wrong direction as thats how it is with human beings... nevertheless we both always felt a hell of a lot of sparkles when we met and we did not want to let that event destroy all of that... So I would explain him my view and give him a chance to show either in his reply or in the next meeting that he understands my point...and if he does...then great...if not, then I would move on.

wykkidesire2plsU -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 6:22:21 PM)
i am teetering between saying that maybe just maybe the pain is part of Your chemistry with Him, why your submission is so complete...however saying that, i would not in any way want to be with someone who truly gave me more than i could handle. So if you have reached your limits, can You talk to him and if His need goes beyond that....maybe you can reach a compromise, would be a shame to throw the rest away and he might value that as much as you do and be willing to back down a bit to keep it.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 6:25:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I think my problem with a hypothetical post such as this is that if he had been honest and said upfront he was the all time sadist, I wouldn't have dated him. So I wouldn't have fallen in love with him etc. And if he hadn't been upfront about it, but lied by omission as it were, that would cause its own problems. Either way, I wouldn't have gotten this far in the relationship to have the kind of dilemma the op presents. The sadism was NOT the problem in that relationship. Right Lally7?

DrkJourney -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 6:37:51 PM)
You say the play is heavy, sometimes frightenly so....It would make a difference in going back if he was told this and ignored me...or did she never say anything to him about it and just endured because she wanted to be with him? If it's a case where he didn't respect my wishes then it would be a definite "no"...no matter how good the good times were. There will be a much better fit down the line

Kalista07 -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 7:32:04 PM)
Lally, First I must say I'm sorry this conversation left the range of hypothetical... Secondly, I would like to tell you what ever decision you make it's okay and that you do not owe an explanation to anyone... Let alone anyone here. Mistakes happen... People early in relationships screw up.. I know when I was first exploring my submissive side I did things that I am ashamed of now.... It amazes me how people get on their moral superiority high horse....but that's another story.... Anyway...If you and He have good communication then my believe is you can move past anything....... For a variety of reasons I had little to no trust in Him when we first me... {None of it had anything to do with Him} He had to work to gain my trust. He was willing to do that. He has done that. I love Him and trust Him far more than I ever knew possible.... He is a sadist as well... I am not a masochist or a pain slut at all.... We have found a balance. He likes to inflict pain on me because He enjoys the fact that I submit to the pain for Him and that he knows that I do not enjoy the pain...... I don't know if I explained that right or not.... If I can be of any help or support feel free to cmail me... Trust yourself....Trust your gut.... Please remember that you owe no one an explanation today.... Kali

DesFIP -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 7:42:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I think my problem with a hypothetical post such as this is that if he had been honest and said upfront he was the all time sadist, I wouldn't have dated him. So I wouldn't have fallen in love with him etc. And if he hadn't been upfront about it, but lied by omission as it were, that would cause its own problems. Either way, I wouldn't have gotten this far in the relationship to have the kind of dilemma the op presents. The sadism was NOT the problem in that relationship. Right Lally7? I missed the latter posts and responded solely to lally's op. Now that I've caught up, whether or not he was new to wiitwd he wasn't new to life. He's encountered new things that he liked before, he's met women he was really into before. So his disregard for lally's feelings are not something that was new here, it's a pattern. A pattern of selfishness and uncaring. I would not return to a relationship with someone I know to not give a damn about how his partner feels except that he wants her to not bring things that bother her up because he just doesn't want to deal with them. I would much rather be alone than be with someone who simply doesn't care about me, who doesn't want to get into my head, doesn't want to know how I feel. But for me, emotional transparency is the wellspring of the relationship. Someone who knew I dreaded his touch and didn't care is not someone I could submit to. Someone who knew I was unhappy and didn't care is not someone I can submit to. YMMV.

MistressOfGa -> RE: what if (12/19/2009 10:39:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Speaking from the other side... I am a heavy sadist. I just can't really DO that soft sensual stuff and feel satisfied, though I am capable of playing at a person's level no matter what that is. If I found someone for whom the D/s element was really there, and the rest of the relationship WORKED... well, I could find another maso to play with! Yes, it helps to be poly, and to be able to play without sex, or consideration for gender. I can totally kick ass at a party and cheerfully leave with my sub. Ditto!

lally2 -> RE: what if (12/20/2009 6:47:17 AM)
the jury is still out. im not going to go tearing into something only to have to turn around and tear out of it again. i think we are all capable of making mistakes and learning from them. the question is whether a person has learnt or simply paying lip service to the concepts being discussed. but i do think people deserve a second chance. its really interesting how the concensus is split. in the end the bdsm isnt as important as the relationship to many here and i share that view. bdsm can be tailored and juggled about with. connecting Ms/Ds, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually is much trickier. in the end bdsm is easy to find. its even possible to be in an Ms relationship or a Ds relationship and not really get those fireworks that zing and zang. in the end i wonder how much more emphasis there needs to be for some people looking for a relationship to find the relationship first and build the BDSM from there. a topic thats been discussed over and over again, i know. never hurts to regurgitate for the new guys though. kalisto im with you on the mistakes front, man o man i made a few. its how we learn and grow. so many new D types come here thinking its all about them and what they want, the slave is there to please him and thats it. kudos to those that eventually grow and learn that a happy slave/sub is worth more to them and that the submissives happyness reflects back at them on so many levels.

Acer49 -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 3:55:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 youre with a man you love deeply. he makes you laugh he engages youre submission like noone else ever has or is likely to. he put you in that happy place where submission is effortless because everything you do for him is noticed, appreciated and understood. you talk the same language, understand the same emotions, see the world through the same eyes and know deep in youre heart that you could love this man for ever. but he's a mother of a sadist. he hurts you sometimes thats borderline evil and youre no pain slut. then things go tits up (for whatever reason thats irrelevant to this question) and the whole thing ends. ..... would you go back there if the chance arose. and please dont concentrate on the 'tits up' bit. i know how you guys like to focus on the minutae, please resist the urge [:D] If you trust the person and you enjoted it, then yes If you have any trust issues., or did not enjoy it, then no

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 10:43:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 so many new D types come here thinking its all about them and what they want, the slave is there to please him and thats it. For some "s types", that is EXACTLY what is sought. quote: kudos to those that eventually grow and learn that a happy slave/sub is worth more to them and that the submissives happyness reflects back at them on so many levels. 1) An s-type that is seeking complete and total slavery and to merely be property would NOT want a "D type" that has supposedly "grown" and "learned" to consider their s-type's "happiness". Rather, they'd seek the "D type" that was ONLY interested in what "they want", where it is "all about them", to "please them and that's it". To a pairing that seek this type of dynamic, this incarnation of s-type would be "worth more", as would this incarnation of "D type" to the other. 2) From the above, I wonder if you've considered the LDD/TiH or D/lg (i.e., Loving Domestic Discipline/Taken in Hand or Daddy/little girl) dynamic, rather than a D/s or M/s dynamic, as there's certainly more emphasis on the s-type's "happiness" in said dynamics.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 10:51:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 no, the jury is still out. I disagree... else you wouldn't have written the below... quote: ... ive already used alot of this advice and directed it at him. he knows he has alot to do to rebuild my trust. Thus, you've both already engaged in getting the ball rolling again. If, as you say, "the jury [was] still out", he would not be involved at this point. He is... and so, the "jury" is NOT "still out".

lally2 -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 12:04:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 no, the jury is still out. I disagree... else you wouldn't have written the below... quote: ... ive already used alot of this advice and directed it at him. he knows he has alot to do to rebuild my trust. Thus, you've both already engaged in getting the ball rolling again. If, as you say, "the jury [was] still out", he would not be involved at this point. He is... and so, the "jury" is NOT "still out". please dont tell me what i am or where i might be better off and please dont tell me where i am at any given time regarding my future and what it might involve. its really fucking annoying how do you go about making a decision that involves another person - myself, personally it tends to involve the other person in dialogue and from there i make an 'informed' decision.

lally2 -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 12:16:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 . 2) From the above, I wonder if you've considered the LDD/TiH or D/lg (i.e., Loving Domestic Discipline/Taken in Hand or Daddy/little girl) dynamic, rather than a D/s or M/s dynamic, as there's certainly more emphasis on the s-type's "happiness" in said dynamics. BS, sorry. i think if you cast youre eye around here there are lots and lots of very happy s-types - it is very often part of the criteria and i am sure there are plenty of D's who prefer their s-types happily engaged in submission to them. making a 'judgement' on my orientation based on a thread that i attempted to write in the hypothetical is about as irritating as it gets.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 2:03:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 no, the jury is still out. I disagree... else you wouldn't have written the below... quote: ... ive already used alot of this advice and directed it at him. he knows he has alot to do to rebuild my trust. Thus, you've both already engaged in getting the ball rolling again. If, as you say, "the jury [was] still out", he would not be involved at this point. He is... and so, the "jury" is NOT "still out". please dont tell me what i am or where i might be better off and please dont tell me where i am at any given time regarding my future and what it might involve. its really fucking annoying how do you go about making a decision that involves another person - myself, personally it tends to involve the other person in dialogue and from there i make an 'informed' decision. What's "annoying" is your defensivness. If you don't want to hear others' opinions, then don't PUBLICLY ask for them. You stated "the jury is still out". Well, no it's not... not if you've already opened a dialoge with this other person about you two, have "directed advice" his way, and have addressed what "he knows he has to do" to "rebuild [your] trust". You may not like hearing the truth, but THAT IS THE TRUTH. This is not something you're just tossing out, looking for opinions on, and THEN making a decision. No, YOU'VE ALREADY INVOLVED HIM in all this. Had you not done so already, that'd be different. You may think I'm being snotty or whatever, and that's your choice... but the fact of the matter is, by including him, you're FAR BEYOND the "jury is still out" stage. You're both ALREADY RE-INVOLVED, by mere fact you're discussing your RE-INVOLVEMENT. You're simply now playing it out to see if you'll STAY re-involved. That's the TRUTH... and again, if you don't want to hear opposing opinions, then don't post in a public forum. The fact is, most who post these types of threads have ALREADY MADE THEIR DECECION and are simply looking for some sort of confirmation that they've made the RIGHT decision. Period. Once more, you're welcome to disagree or even throw another tantrum; or you can simply accept that others (through their own experiences) may see something you might not be seeing. Oh, and here's something to consider... (using your own thread title): What if... YOU'RE WRONG?!!

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 2:20:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 . 2) From the above, I wonder if you've considered the LDD/TiH or D/lg (i.e., Loving Domestic Discipline/Taken in Hand or Daddy/little girl) dynamic, rather than a D/s or M/s dynamic, as there's certainly more emphasis on the s-type's "happiness" in said dynamics. BS, sorry. i think if you cast youre eye around here there are lots and lots of very happy s-types - it is very often part of the criteria and i am sure there are plenty of D's who prefer their s-types happily engaged in submission to them. making a 'judgement' on my orientation based on a thread that i attempted to write in the hypothetical is about as irritating as it gets. 1) Once again, what's "irritating" is your defensiveness and inability to read/comprehend. If an "s type" is seeking a dynamic DIFFERENT from what you want (i.e., to simply be property and to only focus on their "D type's" wants/needs... and that's it", then wouldn't said "s type" be "happy"?!! YES!!! So your earlier reference that those who've "grown" and "learned" to enjoy the type of dynamic that YOU want as being "worth more" is (to quote you) "B.S.". Some have "grown" and "learned" that a dynamic that's the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what you describe is what THEY want, and what makes THEM "happy". 2) Nobody made a "judgement" on your "orientation". Again, just more "irritating" defensiveness from you. Rather, I simply questioned as to whether or not you've ever explored a LDD/TiH and/or D/lg dynamic. Period. That's not making a "judgement", but suggesting you look at some other dynamics that place more emphasis on the "s type's" happiness, if you haven't already. Your defensiveness is bordering on bitterness. And agian, public forum = replies/opinions you may not like.

lally2 -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 2:40:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 no, the jury is still out. I disagree... else you wouldn't have written the below... quote: ... ive already used alot of this advice and directed it at him. he knows he has alot to do to rebuild my trust. Thus, you've both already engaged in getting the ball rolling again. If, as you say, "the jury [was] still out", he would not be involved at this point. He is... and so, the "jury" is NOT "still out". please dont tell me what i am or where i might be better off and please dont tell me where i am at any given time regarding my future and what it might involve. its really fucking annoying how do you go about making a decision that involves another person - myself, personally it tends to involve the other person in dialogue and from there i make an 'informed' decision. What's "annoying" is your defensivness. If you don't want to hear others' opinions, then don't PUBLICLY ask for them. You stated "the jury is still out". Well, no it's not... not if you've already opened a dialoge with this other person about you two, have "directed advice" his way, and have addressed what "he knows he has to do" to "rebuild [your] trust". You may not like hearing the truth, but THAT IS THE TRUTH. This is not something you're just tossing out, looking for opinions on, and THEN making a decision. No, YOU'VE ALREADY INVOLVED HIM in all this. Had you not done so already, that'd be different. You may think I'm being snotty or whatever, and that's your choice... but the fact of the matter is, by including him, you're FAR BEYOND the "jury is still out" stage. You're both ALREADY RE-INVOLVED, by mere fact you're discussing your RE-INVOLVEMENT. You're simply now playing it out to see if you'll STAY re-involved. That's the TRUTH... and again, if you don't want to hear opposing opinions, then don't post in a public forum. The fact is, most who post these types of threads have ALREADY MADE THEIR DECECION and are simply looking for some sort of confirmation that they've made the RIGHT decision. Period. Once more, you're welcome to disagree or even throw another tantrum; or you can simply accept that others (through their own experiences) may see something you might not be seeing. Oh, and here's something to consider... (using your own thread title): What if... YOU'RE WRONG?!! no, i havent already made my decision. what if im wrong about what.

lally2 -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 2:48:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 . 2) From the above, I wonder if you've considered the LDD/TiH or D/lg (i.e., Loving Domestic Discipline/Taken in Hand or Daddy/little girl) dynamic, rather than a D/s or M/s dynamic, as there's certainly more emphasis on the s-type's "happiness" in said dynamics. BS, sorry. i think if you cast youre eye around here there are lots and lots of very happy s-types - it is very often part of the criteria and i am sure there are plenty of D's who prefer their s-types happily engaged in submission to them. making a 'judgement' on my orientation based on a thread that i attempted to write in the hypothetical is about as irritating as it gets. 1) Once again, what's "irritating" is your defensiveness and inability to read/comprehend. If an "s type" is seeking a dynamic DIFFERENT from what you want (i.e., to simply be property and to only focus on their "D type's" wants/needs... and that's it", then wouldn't said "s type" be "happy"?!! YES!!! So your earlier reference that those who've "grown" and "learned" to enjoy the type of dynamic that YOU want as being "worth more" is (to quote you) "B.S.". Some have "grown" and "learned" that a dynamic that's the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what you describe is what THEY want, and what makes THEM "happy". 2) Nobody made a "judgement" on your "orientation". Again, just more "irritating" defensiveness from you. Rather, I simply questioned as to whether or not you've ever explored a LDD/TiH and/or D/lg dynamic. Period. That's not making a "judgement", but suggesting you look at some other dynamics that place more emphasis on the "s type's" happiness, if you haven't already. Your defensiveness is bordering on bitterness. And agian, public forum = replies/opinions you may not like. look, whatever makes anyone happy and however theyre dynamic goes is different for everyone. the fact that you have made some judgement on what sort of relationship i should focus on is frankly arrogant. you do not know me and id rather you didnt make random stabs at pretending you do. thats it.

wisdomtogive -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 3:31:23 PM)
kalista, excellent post! Lally, please do what you need to do. I do know you will not swallow someone's 'truth pill', especially when it is empty. Whatever you decide to do, I wish the best for you. blessings wisdom

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 3:39:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 quote: ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 . 2) From the above, I wonder if you've considered the LDD/TiH or D/lg (i.e., Loving Domestic Discipline/Taken in Hand or Daddy/little girl) dynamic, rather than a D/s or M/s dynamic, as there's certainly more emphasis on the s-type's "happiness" in said dynamics. BS, sorry. i think if you cast youre eye around here there are lots and lots of very happy s-types - it is very often part of the criteria and i am sure there are plenty of D's who prefer their s-types happily engaged in submission to them. making a 'judgement' on my orientation based on a thread that i attempted to write in the hypothetical is about as irritating as it gets. 1) Once again, what's "irritating" is your defensiveness and inability to read/comprehend. If an "s type" is seeking a dynamic DIFFERENT from what you want (i.e., to simply be property and to only focus on their "D type's" wants/needs... and that's it", then wouldn't said "s type" be "happy"?!! YES!!! So your earlier reference that those who've "grown" and "learned" to enjoy the type of dynamic that YOU want as being "worth more" is (to quote you) "B.S.". Some have "grown" and "learned" that a dynamic that's the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what you describe is what THEY want, and what makes THEM "happy". 2) Nobody made a "judgement" on your "orientation". Again, just more "irritating" defensiveness from you. Rather, I simply questioned as to whether or not you've ever explored a LDD/TiH and/or D/lg dynamic. Period. That's not making a "judgement", but suggesting you look at some other dynamics that place more emphasis on the "s type's" happiness, if you haven't already. Your defensiveness is bordering on bitterness. And agian, public forum = replies/opinions you may not like. ...the fact that you have made some judgement on what sort of relationship... Again you show you can't read... see above for clarity, and try dropping the defensiveness.

lally2 -> RE: what if (12/21/2009 3:48:43 PM)
in making that suggestion you made a judgement based on what YOU perceived and following that perception you then decided to post it. im not defensive, im irritated that you consider youreself sufficiently capable of making that suggestion/judgement/perception based on this thread, that was, i repeat, written in the spirit of the hypothetical. if i was interested in the options you have suggested i would have pursued them. i am reasonably capable of deciding who and what i am all by myself. if i got defensive about you repeatedly telling me that i have already made up my mind then please excuse me for defending my own mind on matters that i alone have all the facts to.

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