Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Married People and the Lifestyle


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Married People and the Lifestyle Page: <<   < prev  6 7 [8] 9 10   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/30/2009 4:27:42 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Sorry, it's not an accident.  I will gladly echo what Wisdom has said in post #137.  Except for cases of rape, sex is a conscious choice.  Whatever else is going on in the relationship doesn't change the fact that the person is making a deliberate decision to do what they are doing.

I will agree with you that what constitutes cheating does vary depending on personal opinion.  Yes, some people see viewing porn as cheating.  I'd also tend to think that emotional attachment of a romantic nature to an additional person could be viewed as cheating if the person you're married to is monogamous.  Cyber sex is another area that I think could fall into this category.  What I use as a general rule about this is, if you feel that it's something that you have to hide from your spouse, you probably know your spouse well enough that THEY think it's cheating.  That's the person who could be potentially harmed by whatever it is that's being done in the first place.



Some people never cheat... not because they never wanted to but rather because the opportunity never presented itself...
Other people are very disciplined and can resist temptation no matter what...
But there are other people who might lose sight of what should be of most importance and find themselves taking a liberty that indeed they should perhaps not have taken...

some people divorce their partner because they can not forgive them for cheating and once time to heal their wounds passes, they regret it and wonder if things would not have been better if they would have worked things out...

Some people even invite being cheated on and being lied to because they are not open at all to their partners needs...
still the partner that does the cheating has no intention of leaving the marriage... and might bank on the fact that the shit does not necessarily need to hit the fan...
it is not up to me to judge them

Though i do think people who are selfish enough to cut of their nose inspite of their own face and people who can not forgive someone they are supposed to love are short changing themselves.

< Message edited by ranja -- 12/30/2009 4:30:10 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 141
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/30/2009 5:45:56 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
Some people never cheat... not because they never wanted to but rather because the opportunity never presented itself...
Other people are very disciplined and can resist temptation no matter what...
But there are other people who might lose sight of what should be of most importance and find themselves taking a liberty that indeed they should perhaps not have taken...

some people divorce their partner because they can not forgive them for cheating and once time to heal their wounds passes, they regret it and wonder if things would not have been better if they would have worked things out...

Some people even invite being cheated on and being lied to because they are not open at all to their partners needs...
still the partner that does the cheating has no intention of leaving the marriage... and might bank on the fact that the shit does not necessarily need to hit the fan...
it is not up to me to judge them

Though i do think people who are selfish enough to cut of their nose inspite of their own face and people who can not forgive someone they are supposed to love are short changing themselves.

I can only answer you from My perspective, ranja.  That's all any of us can do.  Topics like these really can only boil down to opinions and personal experience.

I promise you that I don't match the first phrase in your first paragraph.  I tend to identify with your second.  Because I do match the personality type in the second, the third doesn't tend to apply to Me. 

It's entirely possible that some people fit what you describe in your second paragraph.  I really can't say that I'm one of them.  What you call not able to forgive for cheating, I call knowing I can't share My life with someone who would willingly disrespect Me as a person by not being honest with Me. 

My spouse and I have an equality based relationship.  During the course of our marriage, we chose to go from a monogamous relationship to a poly one.  By the way, that's not a free pass on the cheating issue.  It's absolutely possible to be poly and still see certain things as cheating.  In some poly structures, like ours, have limits to what is and isn't acceptable in regards to sex with other people.  It's a bit too lengthy to attempt to explain all of the guidelines that we have agreed on about this, but some quick ones include honesty, disclosure, keeping it within our poly family, BDSM orientation, and so on.

I'm not a huge fan of the idea that some folks invite being cheated on.  As I've said in prior comments, I'm also not a supporter of the 'needs' bit.  We 'need' air, water, food, shelter, medical care when ill, etc.  The rest of the stuff really are wants.  Important wants, no debate out of Me, but until somebody can scientifically prove to Me that celibacy is a fatal condition, My opinion's not going to change.

In My opinion, love isn't about accepting whatever way your partner chooses to treat you.  If we were talking about non consensual physical abuse in a relationship, we wouldn't tell someone to stay just because their abuser claims to love them.  I don't see why people think this subject is any different.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 142
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/30/2009 7:31:21 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		 

I can only answer you from My perspective, ranja.  That's all any of us can do.  Topics like these really can only boil down to opinions and personal experience.

I promise you that I don't match the first phrase in your first paragraph.  I tend to identify with your second.  Because I do match the personality type in the second, the third doesn't tend to apply to Me. 
 
Lady Pact, it is quite obvious to me that you are a very disciplined person and that you expect same discipline from partners... an admirable stance... much like my Husband...
i indeed respond to the whole cheating subject from my perspective aswell... so i have to say that unfortunately some people have less self control and especially when their 'needs' (i feel them being more wants as well hence the '' thingies) are not being met and additionally find themselves very tempted might have difficulties or fail totally to remain faithful... and if  indeed they have a partner who is not likely to understand at all or forgive the mishap, it becomes a likely scenario that the cheat will be covered up... lied about or denied...


It's entirely possible that some people fit what you describe in your second paragraph.  I really can't say that I'm one of them.  What you call not able to forgive for cheating, I call knowing I can't share My life with someone who would willingly disrespect Me as a person by not being honest with Me. 

I am of the opinion though that NO one is ever totally honest... i respect my Husband greatly and do not think He has ever cheated on me... however i have caught Him pants down in a big lie... Him being the Dominant i could not simply call Him to order... it was a delicate affair to sort out the trouble...
and me intrinsically not being the monogamous kind i can only hope that He has at least fancied another at some point in our being together...

My spouse and I have an equality based relationship.  During the course of our marriage, we chose to go from a monogamous relationship to a poly one.  By the way, that's not a free pass on the cheating issue.  It's absolutely possible to be poly and still see certain things as cheating.  In some poly structures, like ours, have limits to what is and isn't acceptable in regards to sex with other people.  It's a bit too lengthy to attempt to explain all of the guidelines that we have agreed on about this, but some quick ones include honesty, disclosure, keeping it within our poly family, BDSM orientation, and so on.

Some people consider poly to be cheating eventhough all people in the poly situation are happy with their arrangement.
You might even have ran into a few people who were of the opinion that your husband must not beable to satisfy you and so 'poor' You need to look for comfort to someone else... and don't You think You should be thinking about getting a divorce...
i personally think other people should be keeping their nose out.

I'm not a huge fan of the idea that some folks invite being cheated on.  As I've said in prior comments, I'm also not a supporter of the 'needs' bit.  We 'need' air, water, food, shelter, medical care when ill, etc.  The rest of the stuff really are wants.  Important wants, no debate out of Me, but until somebody can scientifically prove to Me that celibacy is a fatal condition, My opinion's not going to change.

The problem is that celibacy makes some people want to commit suicide... or murder... cheating might be the least severe solution at the time...
 
and i would even go as far as saying that some people are driving their partner to cheat on purpose so that then they can divorce them with 'legitimate' reasons and have sympathy for their awful ordeal... but in reality they are quite happy to get rid... these people are a bit worse than their cheating partners imo...

In My opinion, love isn't about accepting whatever way your partner chooses to treat you.  If we were talking about non consensual physical abuse in a relationship, we wouldn't tell someone to stay just because their abuser claims to love them.  I don't see why people think this subject is any different.

In my opinion, love is exactly about accepting your partner... and their mistakes, at the very least try to... otherwise it is so very much an easy affair; if you will only take love on your own terms... how deep does it run?
i do not relate to the 'one strike and you are out' scenario
 
Abuse is a totally different situation... it is not what my opinion is about... indeed there is no good in forgiving an abuser over and over again....
 
The point is that this not about abuse and there should be room for understanding and forgiveness...


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 143
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/30/2009 1:49:01 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
Some people consider poly to be cheating eventhough all people in the poly situation are happy with their arrangement.
You might even have ran into a few people who were of the opinion that your husband must not beable to satisfy you and so 'poor' You need to look for comfort to someone else... and don't You think You should be thinking about getting a divorce...
i personally think other people should be keeping their nose out.


Nah.  Doesn't bother Me a bit.  It's fine by Me that they stick their nose in.  I'm the one putting it out there in the first place.  It's helped a few others, actually.

If only one of us wanted poly, rather than monogamy, My answer back to you would be, probably yes, we should divorce.  If we were not able to reach reasonable compromises and the two of us clearly wanted different things, you bet.  Why would anyone want the person they supposedly love to be hurt or miserable?

quote:

The problem is that celibacy makes some people want to commit suicide... or murder... cheating might be the least severe solution at the time...

I think you're reaching here.  I've made it through four periods of celibacy lasting st least six months at a time during My almost nine years of marriage.  I'm not dead and I haven't killed anyone else.  I'd be thinking issues such as depression (which by the way lowers the sex drive, not increases it) is a bit higher up on the chain for those who are seeking such permanent solutions to temporary problems.  Until I see the suicide note that says 'I can't bear to live anymore because I'm not having sex', I think I'll consider other possible causes.
 
quote:

and i would even go as far as saying that some people are driving their partner to cheat on purpose so that then they can divorce them with 'legitimate' reasons and have sympathy for their awful ordeal... but in reality they are quite happy to get rid... these people are a bit worse than their cheating partners imo...

The answer to that is simple.  Have the balls to get out of the unhappy situation.
At the very minimum, put on the big boy or big girl panties and talk to your partner about the lack of satisfaction that you have about your sex life.

quote:

In my opinion, love is exactly about accepting your partner... and their mistakes, at the very least try to... otherwise it is so very much an easy affair; if you will only take love on your own terms... how deep does it run?
i do not relate to the 'one strike and you are out' scenario

Pretty deep.  Then again, I know what kind of man I married and he knows the same about Me.  Part of the reason I fell in love with him in the first place is because of his character.  Honesty and integrity are wrapped up in that.
 
quote:

Abuse is a totally different situation... it is not what my opinion is about... indeed there is no good in forgiving an abuser over and over again....

 
The point is that this not about abuse and there should be room for understanding and forgiveness...

Actually, it kind of is, even though in this case, it's more emotional than physical.  Destroying the trust one spouse has in another is one of the most vicious and cruel things that could happen in a marriage, in My opinion.  The hurt that people endure because they've been cheated on often has very little to do with what the cheating consisted of.  It's got a lot more to do with the person, the one that supposedly loved them more than anyone, is the one who caused the pain.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 144
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/30/2009 3:05:49 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

Morals are subjective, they are our on beliefs. However they are not rules, law or regulations.

I can understand you confusing the two, but they are not the same, that is my opinion, and thats subjective too.


Not at all confused.

Morals are the essence of rules and laws influenced by religion, society and ourselves. Most of the standards set were done long before any of us were born  and what I consider to be pretty good advice for keeping yourself out of shit. If you don't mind the drama that sucking your neighbors dick stirs up after his wife finds out..then more power to you..You can make your own and choose to live whatever way you want but you must live with the consequences. Most people understand what that word means but never take the time to rationally think things through enough to weigh out what those are. I'll say it again...If you enjoy it and it's not hurting ANYONE in the process and all who are involved are okay with it then fine.

As for the OP: If I remember correct...That's a tough call if you are married to a person and you find yourself at a later date wanting things that the other can't or won't give. Especially when little's are involved.

On one hand I'd say you have obligations to all parties and if the marriage is good in most other ways..I'd say suckit up buttercup and try to work things out. Make sure you let the other know about your desires..Be honest..It's the "moral" thing to do and you never know..Maybe they'll be okay with it.

I'm glad I've never been in a situation like that. Things happen but that's why I preach compatibility on as many levels as possible.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 12/30/2009 3:07:26 PM >

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to beajez)
Profile   Post #: 145
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/30/2009 11:06:29 PM   
beajez


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/11/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

Morals are subjective, they are our on beliefs. However they are not rules, law or regulations.

I can understand you confusing the two, but they are not the same, that is my opinion, and thats subjective too.


Not at all confused.

Morals are the essence of rules and laws influenced by religion, society and ourselves. Most of the standards set were done long before any of us were born  and what I consider to be pretty good advice for keeping yourself out of shit. If you don't mind the drama that sucking your neighbors dick stirs up after his wife finds out..then more power to you..You can make your own and choose to live whatever way you want but you must live with the consequences. Most people understand what that word means but never take the time to rationally think things through enough to weigh out what those are. I'll say it again...If you enjoy it and it's not hurting ANYONE in the process and all who are involved are okay with it then fine.

As for the OP: If I remember correct...That's a tough call if you are married to a person and you find yourself at a later date wanting things that the other can't or won't give. Especially when little's are involved.

On one hand I'd say you have obligations to all parties and if the marriage is good in most other ways..I'd say suckit up buttercup and try to work things out. Make sure you let the other know about your desires..Be honest..It's the "moral" thing to do and you never know..Maybe they'll be okay with it.

I'm glad I've never been in a situation like that. Things happen but that's why I preach compatibility on as many levels as possible.


All i can say is thankfully we have moved past stoning of women and branding them as adulterous, perhaps one day we will all realise that we are responsible for the choices we make as an individual and not blame a third party for our choices. Morals may inform Law, but they are in no way Law, and I will thank any entity for that.

Not sure if you really read my original post Icarys, but, i was quite clear about where i stand in relation to telling people. Am I responsible for someone's partner, no, are they, yes. Does not mean that i play loose, just means that at the end of the day, i do not make choices for others, only myself.

(in reply to Icarys)
Profile   Post #: 146
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/31/2009 4:10:20 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
 
quote:

Abuse is a totally different situation... it is not what my opinion is about... indeed there is no good in forgiving an abuser over and over again....

 
The point is that this not about abuse and there should be room for understanding and forgiveness...

Actually, it kind of is, even though in this case, it's more emotional than physical.  Destroying the trust one spouse has in another is one of the most vicious and cruel things that could happen in a marriage, in My opinion.  The hurt that people endure because they've been cheated on often has very little to do with what the cheating consisted of.  It's got a lot more to do with the person, the one that supposedly loved them more than anyone, is the one who caused the pain.



i disagree that we are talking about an abuse situation...
we are not talking about a man beating a woman nearly to death with a hair brush... to promise he will never do it again... nor are we talking about a woman who fucks the entire village and her boyfriend forgiving her every time when she comes back to him crying she is sorry... nor are we talking about the guy who gambles the families money away because he got himself addicted to poker while his family is starving and his children have to go without their new winter coats.

we are talking about 'normal' adults and some of them at some point might stray...

Your (and many others) point of view is: if they do they are no longer worth My bother, they have proven themselves to be shite people and I shall throw them away, I deserve better and these low life trust shattering selfish assholes can rot in hell.

I know my Husband has a point of view quite similar to this.
... so, if ever i would find myself in a situation and i would be unfaithful to Him... i would have no choice but to lie to Him...

... He has lied to me...  it was very difficult to sort things out, but it did not ruin my trust in Him... besides being absolutely fuming with Him i also managed to understand His shame... and so build my trust in Him back up... even stronger now i know His weakness... and how He might twist certain things...
so i can only hope i would manage the same if the lie would be about Him having cheated... as i do NOT want to lose Him...

Though i admire His discipline i also dislike the idea that my Husband should be like You in that respect and throw me away over a mistake... i console (maybe fool)myself with the thought He only says this because this is His way to make me afraid for making a mistake... because He loves me so much...
and maybe when He would see me in my most awful and selfish and mean persona... as i am afraid it is not beyond me to totally fuck up... He would manage to forgive me...
otherwise i feel like: why bother at all with a person who has already decided what they will do when you fail... that they will throw you out because they have already decided this upfront... to me that is not what love is about... that is what insecurity is about...

ETA i have been through very long periods without sex aswell Lady Pact... we were down to about 4 times a year for about a decade... it did make me feel very depressed indeed... and i did start to feel incredibly much like killing him... especially when he was snoring in our marital bed and me totally frustrated beside him... i was quite losing the plot and had no idea how to fix things... i so wished i would meet and then would have the guts to take a lover... or that my husband would miraculously come back to me...

< Message edited by ranja -- 12/31/2009 4:34:18 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 147
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/31/2009 11:18:11 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I think we're just beginning to go round in circles here.  We may just have to agree to disagree.  It really boils down to a very few simple statements:

Infidelity is a hard limit for Me.  (Yes, the terms applies in D/s as well as vanilla relationships.)

Breaking this limit would inflict intentional harm on Me.

I respect Myself enough to know that someone who would violate My hard limits is not something I want and I know I deserve more.


Quite frankly, the first advice that any person who comes to these boards would receive about any situation where a hard limit is broken, would be to get out of that situation.  All I'm doing in My opinions here is following My own advice.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 148
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/31/2009 12:46:03 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		i am quite happy to agree to disagree Lady Pact,
i disagree with everybody who decides upfront to ditch their love if they ever cheat or lie or both...
i think it is best to wait and see if it is really something that can't be worked out when you sadly find yourself in that position...

i agree that ideally no-one cheats so no-one gets cheated on
actually i agree that no-one should hurt anybody else in any bad way ever ...

i disagree that that is realistic
and unfortunately it is the ones we love the most who might hurt us the deepest


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 149
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/31/2009 1:10:09 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		ranja
People cheat everyday...and it will never end. i deal daily with the after affects of a broken marriage because one spouse needed to sexually get involved with another. i never will tell them to take them back or not...but i do hear the frustration when they do. Talk about the trust in a Ds or Ms relationship, well it doesnt compare to building trust again when your spouse has cheated. Some make it, though it is a tough battle, but the trust is never complete, instead it rises here and there. Fear leads the person wondering what their mate is doing. I deal with this daily, the pain and the why wasnt i good enough to keep them from straying. Does it as a rule strengthen their marriage if they try again, seldom. Trust cant come back 100%.

Life has its' ups and downs' and people make excuses to go out of their marriage for an affair. Some might think of doing it, but don't. They value their partner too much over their needs. i was fortunate to have a marriage like that. When i was really sick, he didn't decide to look outside of the relationship even via the internet for cyber play. When in the end he got sick, i did the same for him. The 'all' that was us was more important to us then the me.

I think it comes down to do you work towards the us or the me. if it is the me, then perhaps the marriage is not anymore about the us. With that there imho are two things, work on the us or end the us. In my religion, i am not permitted to harm none, so for me it would be a slap on my Goddess face, to have an affair with someone. She is the ALL for me and i always serve her first..and harm none.

Yes, i am pretty one sided on this, but as stated i dont live anyone's life but my own. I deal with my own karma not others. Do as you wish, just be honest about it. 

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 150
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 12/31/2009 2:38:26 PM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I don't know any of the players in this little drama (and I truly don't want to)... But I'd like to point out that when a man says "We need to stay together for the kids" that can be a very real issue. A VERY real issue.

I'm focusing on the man side of things here because more often than not, it's the man who loses his children and the benefits of seeing them grow along with all those little changes that can't be had on just every other weekend of the month. He's not staying "for the kids" but because he doesn't want to LOSE his kids.

So, when a man opts to find something outside of his marriage in order to meet wants/needs (whichever people choose to call them) met and is unwilling to leave "because of the kids" he has all my sympathies. Not necessarily my consent but surely my sympathies.

And for the woman's side of things. you may not like the whole notion of staying "for the kids" but poverty and the ability to raise children in safe places knowing there will be food on the table, a roof over their heads and all of that is also VERY real. She's not staying "for the kids." She's staying because she can't afford to take care of them otherwise.

So when a woman opts to find something outside of her marriage in order to meet wants/needs (whichever people choose to call them) met and is unwilling to leave "because of the kids" she has all my sympathies. Not necessarily my consent, but surely my sympathies.

I don't find either situation so abhorrant as much as I find it so abyssmally sad.

And yes, we can sit outside of their marriages and say "oh they should ___________ (you fill in the blanks)" but until we're walking in their shoes... we don't really have grounds to made determinations of how right or wrong their choices are to them.

All we can do is make determinations of how right or wrong their choices are for us should they approach us to be part of their difficulties.

I stayed in my marriage for years "for the kids" because I knew that if I left, I'd never be able to support them and I was too far from family at the time to be able to depend on them to help me. Mine wasn't a case of cheating, but I definitely can appreciate the difficulty in coming to decisions regarding leaving or staying when there are others involved that people are responsible for. Eventually, I was able to develop the employability skills and degrees I needed to be able to get a job that would pay enough to take care of them and I left. However, when I tell people these days why I stayed, they look at me as if I was crazy too. All I can say is that I did what I had to do, and if all the circumstances were the same, I'd do it again.

I know someone in my family who faces this dilemma daily. He has one child. He's staying "for his kid." He's staying because he doesn't want to lose his child and because even though his wife truly does not provide any sexual intimacy, they are indeed the best of friends. To him, walking away is not an option because he'd lose his child and his best friend - and all the communication in the world has not rectified his situation.

I feel for him. I have absolutely NO idea why she won't be intimate with him except that after her child was born, that child became her entire world. I feel for her as well.

It must be a horrible situation to be in. I just ask that they don't include me in their drama beyond how I found all this out.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/31/2009 2:47:06 PM >

(in reply to deansslut)
Profile   Post #: 151
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 9:20:45 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		wisdomtogive,

if you work in the business of trying to mend relationships you must not only hear about the shattered trust but also about the pain and reasons that might have caused the cheating... though i can understand that the adulterer would probably just sit there quite quiet being guilty, while the poor victim gets the room to vent their anger and hurt and receives all the sympathy... especially when it was the man that did the cheating... them not being great talkers in the first place.

Counselling was never an option for us... He does not believe in letting strangers mess with His head.

Trust can come back... but only to people who want it back...
and indeed it is not easy...

Trust is something you primarily have in yourself
As you might have noticed when you talk about trusting your man when you were sick... you do not know that he did not stray... you believe he did not... you know for absolutely sure that you did not when the situation was the otherway around later... and then he only had his own believe in you...
This is exactly why so many people who cheat are not in a hurry to confess but rather keep quiet or lie about it... because really they do not wish to hurt their partner but unfortunately, weakly, wrongly, whatever... they do.

i do not say that everybody should throw their morals in the bin and fuck about...
i say that people make their own happiness or not, they live their own life, they make their own mistakes and decisions.
some people cause more hurt by being truthful than is necessary

There are more and more people single because they can not keep a relationship together... some of these people say they are more happy on their own than with a partner... but most people actually prefer to have a partner...

i surely wish i will not have to grow old alone
and i do not think i would ditch my Husband if i found out He ever cheated...
and i would think Him weak for chucking me if He found out that i ever slipped up...

and i do not think that either of us would be so cruel as to tell the other unless indeed we would want a divorce... honesty is not always appreciated at all





(in reply to wisdomtogive)
Profile   Post #: 152
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 9:31:46 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		So what are you saying when you say that more people are single because they cannot keep a relationship together? That people who cheat and accept the cheater are better off and can keep a relationship together better?

Powers that be... help me if I am ever so sad and weak that I will accept someone treating me badly and the relationship badly... JUST to have someone and say I can keep a relationship going! LOL!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 153
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 9:50:48 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: Lockit

So what are you saying when you say that more people are single because they cannot keep a relationship together? That people who cheat and accept the cheater are better off and can keep a relationship together better?

i think it is a pity there are so many single people who would prefer to be with a partner... but unfortunately never seem to find the perfect one... not being realistic enough to accept that there IS no perfect partner, nor are they perfect themselves.

Powers that be... help me if I am ever so sad and weak that I will accept someone treating me badly and the relationship badly... JUST to have someone and say I can keep a relationship going! LOL!

So i hope you will never find out your love has cheated on you! LOL! to you too

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 154
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 9:58:41 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I do not expect perfection. I do however expect honesty, communication and faithfulness to self, me and the relationship.

I have had people who cheated on me. I even tried long ago to put that aside, forgive and move on... but once a cheater... most often always a cheater because they tend to be weak people who are willing to compromize their integritiy, fail to strengthen themselves and be faithful becasue of many reasons. There are many ways to cheat; not just sexually. Most of my partners know I am forgiving and understanding... except for certain area's. You cross that line and it is intentional and not a mistake. It is a choice.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 1/1/2010 10:04:49 AM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 155
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 10:00:44 AM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

  you do not know that he did not stray... you believe he did not... you know for absolutely sure that you did not when the situation was the otherway around later... and then he only had his own believe in you...
This is exactly why so many people who cheat are not in a hurry to confess but rather keep quiet or lie about it... because really they do not wish to hurt their partner but unfortunately, weakly, wrongly, whatever... they do.


Ranja, i am absolutely sure he did not. At that time our daughter was 3, and if i was in the hospital, he came straight from work to relieve his mom or mine from watching her. Also, this was in the days of old when cell phones did not exist. Whenever i called him at work he always answer. Neither of us would have cheated on each other, and it just wasn't wishful thinking.

Honesty is a must for me, and it was for him as well.

Either then that, i stand by my morals and ethics. I will not though imply anyone else live by them.

Edited to add: Both late husband and i came from marriages/relationships where the mate went and played around. The effects it had on him were deep and it took me a long time to build his trust. Same with him to me, but not to the degree for him. To cause him that much pain was never an option, nor for him with me.

< Message edited by wisdomtogive -- 1/1/2010 10:10:07 AM >

_____________________________

Happily owned by MstrDark1

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 156
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 10:12:16 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Brief summary:  OP believes that cheating on a spouse in order to get BDSM is wrong.

I agree.




Ditto!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 157
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 12:18:41 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		I can't use the "quote" function for some reason so I have to copy & paste...............

ranja said:
"i am quite happy to agree to disagree Lady Pact,
i disagree with everybody who decides upfront to ditch their love if they ever cheat or lie or both...
i think it is best to wait and see if it is really something that can't be worked out when you sadly find yourself in that position...

i agree that ideally no-one cheats so no-one gets cheated on
actually i agree that no-one should hurt anybody else in any bad way ever ...

i disagree that that is realistic
and unfortunately it is the ones we love the most who might hurt us the deepest"

I say in response: My sentiments exactly.............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 158
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 12:23:05 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

So what are you saying when you say that more people are single because they cannot keep a relationship together? That people who cheat and accept the cheater are better off and can keep a relationship together better?

Powers that be... help me if I am ever so sad and weak that I will accept someone treating me badly and the relationship badly... JUST to have someone and say I can keep a relationship going! LOL!

Good point. But heaven help ME if I am ever so sad and weak that I will accept no faults or mistakes in my partner. Infidelity is not an unforgivable sin TO ME. I've known some "sad and weak" folks in bad relationships but I've also seen a few "sad and weak" and truly lonely ones who are so superior and unforgiving that they're rotting away alone.....and not happy that way at all. "Sad and weak" goes both ways............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 159
RE: Married People and the Lifestyle - 1/1/2010 12:24:10 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		luci, if you want to make it look right you can go to my profile, gold at top of page in this forum,
slosh around until you find your signature line, and right above it is a button that says PGD code...poke the button, it will show you all the sexy shit you can do here, and print out the pages for handy reference.

GeekMaster

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 160
Page:   <<   < prev  6 7 [8] 9 10   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Married People and the Lifestyle Page: <<   < prev  6 7 [8] 9 10   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109