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stella41b -> RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... (12/28/2009 6:20:08 AM)
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Mine was when I was invited to the family of a friend for dinner when I was still in Poland. It was in a small flat, and they were cooking, and the way the plumbing works is the bathroom is next to the kitchen. I'd been drinking vodka the day before and was still somewhat constipated.
And you know, whenever you are constipated, this is always when you have to grow a rat's tail. It never comes out as a normal offering, but it always comes out as a monument. And also when you're constipated why is it always the way that you get the first third out, and then you get stuck? And so there I was - stuck. Each time you push it hurts, it feels like you are being reamed by a flagpole, and you start to focus, you start to concentrate, you start to sweat, exert yourself, and push, and it hurts even more and nothing moves.
Then you hit the low point, that uncomfortable feeling you get that it's not going to come out without some sort of intervention or a miracle. And so you try again, and it hurts even more. And you start looking for support. Anything.
And I'm there now behaving like a demented chimpanzee looking for something to hold onto, for support.. The sink is too far away. And I'm clinging to the edge of the bath and pushing, and pushing.. and nothing. And so I grab the towel rail and hold on tightly and I push, and I start to feel movement.. but not in my backside, but the towel rail. The screws work loose from the wall at one end.
'Are you alright in there?' It's my friend.
'Yes I'm fine,' I lie.. through clenched teeth. I mean, how do you tell someone you're taking a dump but the dump won't shift or budge at that moment and there's no way of knowing when it will budge?
I keep trying, and between attempts work out how I am going to fix the towel rail. In the end I bite my arm and just push and keep pushing and slowly, very slowly, the Henry starts shifting, very slowly. I start to wonder how it would feel giving birth to a small hippopotamus.
'We're ready to start..' My friend informs me.
'Please go ahead,' I say, 'I'll be with you in a minute..' I keep pushing, it's painful but it keeps moving. I'm waiting for the 'cut off point' but it doesn't come. Oh no. Just like the stalk in Jack and the Beanstalk this bugger just keeps on growing, and growing, causing me more and more discomfort and pain. And I really need to be leaving the bathroom. But I can't. I'm stuck. Imprisoned. Held hostage by an arsehole - my own.
Finally that moment of release comes. Careful application of the recycled toilet paper (it's toilet paper from recycled paper but in Polish sometimes they call it recycled toilet paper). The toilet rail fits back into place, and holds. Now to flush and .. freedom.
Er not quite. Unlike our Western toilets where everything drops down into the water, in Poland and Central Europe you have the other 'German' style of toilet, with the porcelain shelf where the flush is a powerful jet of water from the rear flushing everything off the shelf down an opening near the front of the bowel and into the water. The water flushes all over my masterpiece, but the masterpiece stays where it is, and it's a very large masterpiece. I flush again and nothing. I try poking at the masterpiece with a toilet brush whilst flushing, and it resists all attempts to move.
Hmmm. Now please don't ask me why, but I pour bleach over the masterpiece, I find toilet cleaner and give it a good squirt with that too.I try whacking it with a toilet brush. It takes a further eleven flushes to get rid of the Henry and to clean the toilet brush afterwards. I spray the bathroom with air freshener. In the end I just decided to clean the whole bathroom and have done with it.
Of course I had to admit to having an 'accident'. But even that was far better than letting on as to what actually happened.
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