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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 7:36:07 PM   
LafayetteLady


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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Notice****this is my personal opinion.

BDSM honors a dbl standard. It is the way it is set up. S-type is order to go find their Dom/mee another s-type so Dom/mee can play. Now can you see if a s-type asked her Dom to go to the boards and find a D type for her to play? Perhaps that does it happen, i don't know, but at tleast the D would have to give their approval, while the s has no say. If s type tries to have a say or remarks how that makes them feel, then s type is told my way or highway. Even if it was known and agreed upon that D type would not do this to s type,, if  the D changes their mind and wants that experience down the road, s type obeys, or leaves. if she leaves what happens with her self -esteem? How does she feel in measuring up to being the ultiminate 'true' submissive? Do me Dom, who is not emotionally invested in his s-type or their relationship would just go and find another s-type.  This, imo, is a do me Dom. One who gives the indication that it is a relationship, but takes no responsibility for how their s-type feels about anything they are told to do. They have trained thier s-type in a way that makes Them to their s-type to be MASTER. That word carries more weight to the s-type and to go against their training can have problematic results in their idenitity.

Yes some submissives and many slaves come with wanting to please all their Dom's desires. Some s-types are not emotionally invested in their Dom either, but i am referring to those who are and their whole essence is in the continuance to serve their Dom. When the Dom does not reach out to them to offer emotional support and understanding, the s-type that needs that and has been led to beleive He/SHE is always there to do so, can become very confuse. They let their Dom down, but the Dom also did not live up to their part of the 'promise'. to honor and listen and help them through those times.


Thankfully, should that s-type come to these boards looking for solace or advice, most here would tell her that the guy was totally at fault and didn't deserve to have her.

While s-types of course want to please all of their partner's desires, I think that would be much the case even in a vanilla relationship. After all, don't ALL of us want to please our partners? Even the sub who is engaging in an activity that she isn't fond of, say....having sex while she has her period, she does it to please her partner. Not much different than the vanilla girl who sucks her boyfriend's dick because it makes him happy. Granted on one hand the activity may be "demanded" while the other is voluntary, but in both cases at some point in the relationship if it was really a "limit" the demand wouldn't be made.

Personally, I think what happens is that when the s-type "discovers" the existence of BDSM and finally either gets the opportunity or the courage to explore it, there are all of these other "things" that they didn't know about. Sadly, that "rookie" status might as well be tattooed on their forehead because sure enough, the uber sub or dom shows up ready to show them the ropes, and they hear a lot of "oh no, a sub can't do this, a sub can't do that." Not having any other reference, they believe it. Otherwise how could there be so many grown adults in their 30s and 40s who seem to have lost all common sense asking if it is "ok" if their "master" demands extravagant gifts or if they have to tolerate behavior that they would have kicked a guy to the curb for in a vanilla relationship?

Again, the people who don't want emotional attachments, and are up front about that, go for it. But even the whole monogamy thing. Every time someone asks about whether or not it is "ok" that their d-type is searching for others after they have been together for "x" months, we always jump and ask them "what was your initial agreement?" You know, many people, especially when new, don't get into a relationship with someone, see them all the time talk about love, etc. think that the question of monogamy needs to be discussed. Often the discussions that occured talking about likes, dislikes and desires gave them the impression that it would be one on one. So yea, they are shocked when it doesn't seem to turn out that way. Yet no one ever blames the d-type for not mentioning in the beginning that he had no intention to be monogamous. Another lovely double standard. The sub is supposed to question the dom on the issue, but if he doesn't mention that he will want to be with others, no one thinks he did anything wrong. Go figure.

(in reply to wisdomtogive)
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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 7:44:35 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kc692




What's with all the luvie duvie kissy kissy stuff? Aren't you supposed to be a hard ass bitch KC? ;-)

- LA

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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 7:46:32 PM   
HandSolo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

~~FR~~

Theres a jar for every lid.



Patently untrue. I must have an entire shelf full of jars and lids that fit nothing. I should throw them away, but I guess I keep hoping that somebody will bring back the missing bits when they return all the socks they've been stealing from my dryer.


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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 7:48:23 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: HandSolo

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

~~FR~~

Theres a jar for every lid.



Patently untrue. I must have an entire shelf full of jars and lids that fit nothing. I should throw them away, but I guess I keep hoping that somebody will bring back the missing bits when they return all the socks they've been stealing from my dryer.



And there are a lot of lost souls searching for people with kinks that match theirs. The more unstandard the kink, like the jar, the harder it is to find a match. If we were all Mason jars, we wouldn't have this issue. But just because you can't find the lid, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

As for the socks, I can't comment on that. I've never lost one.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 12/26/2009 7:49:02 PM >


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RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 8:00:37 PM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: HandSolo

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

~~FR~~

Theres a jar for every lid.



Patently untrue. I must have an entire shelf full of jars and lids that fit nothing. I should throw them away, but I guess I keep hoping that somebody will bring back the missing bits when they return all the socks they've been stealing from my dryer.



And there are a lot of lost souls searching for people with kinks that match theirs. The more unstandard the kink, like the jar, the harder it is to find a match. If we were all Mason jars, we wouldn't have this issue. But just because you can't find the lid, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

As for the socks, I can't comment on that. I've never lost one.

- LA

Yes...my point exactly, thank you LadyAngelika.


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Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 8:09:51 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:


ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Yes...my point exactly, thank you LadyAngelika.


My pleasure! It was a great point! I felt it needed some backing up! :-)

- LA

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Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 8:13:03 PM   
QuirkyAnne


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It seems like no matter what, even the most annoying, demanding, selfish, egotistical person, regardless of gender or their Dom/sub nature will always be able to find someone who will think they walk on water.  Having said that, I've definitely met Doms on here who, if they were being serious in their requests, were absolutely all about themselves and not the sub as well as one in real life who truly believed that a submissive should immediately resign herself to obeying his every command or whim, even before I had even AGREED that I WAS HIS SUB.  And then I've had people accuse me of being selfish and the old classic, "you're not a REAL sub," because of my particular flavor of submissiveness.

To each their own I suppose.

Anne

(in reply to CarrieO)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 8:20:56 PM   
sweetsub1957


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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Seems to me that you (the OP) are talking about selfishness in a relationship. The "do-me" anything are selfish, in that anything they do, is for themselves, not the other.


Thank you for this. Yes, it is exactly what i am referring too.


That's what I thought.  I think there are "do-me" Dom/mes AND subs.  Anyone can be selfish.  That works for some relationships, but I prefer one where both people get their needs met.  That's how my last one was, and that's what I'm holding out for again.  :)

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Do ME - 12/26/2009 8:47:11 PM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Notice****this is my personal opinion.

...

Yes some submissives and many slaves come with wanting to please all their Dom's desires. Some s-types are not emotionally invested in their Dom either, but i am referring to those who are and their whole essence is in the continuance to serve their Dom. When the Dom does not reach out to them to offer emotional support and understanding, the s-type that needs that and has been led to beleive He/SHE is always there to do so, can become very confuse. They let their Dom down, but the Dom also did not live up to their part of the 'promise'. to honor and listen and help them through those times.


And this is my personal reflection, which does not give the complete picture:

Comes to mind: "he is not that into you".

Is it held against the sub that she hoped/expected that the D-type would be into her (interested in her as a person), and is she told that she was naive when she finds out he wasn't (going to be monogamous)?

And would her hope that he would be 'into her' be explained as either 'topping from the bottom' or a romantic dream?

The order of things can have an effect: build a relationship first, and kink later, or kink first, and then no deeper relationship built (which leads to 'issues' that have to be worked out later? Is a mix possible?

I find myself turned off by D-types on the other side who, despite that I am only looking for friends, attempt to only talk about sex and kink, and who show absolutely no interest in me as a person, or in discussing any other subject.

Lastly, is who I am as a person with a submissive character who likes to please, not good enough, and do I have to 'reshape' myself to 'play a role' because this is what is expected of me (by D-type, by 'the unwritten rules', etc.)?

Thank you for this thread, Wisdomtogive.

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

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Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 6:24:27 AM   
lally2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive

Lally
On your one post on the other page, you mention about new Doms and thank you. I never gave that any thought. It would be like going into a 'candy store'.:) okay i am hungry for chocolate:)

That part is understandable on both sides of the kneel. The sad part are those of older age or claim to been in this for a long time, and claim to know the only way. A new sub can get really confused by all that, and feel lack of worth in their own submission. That is a part that i do hear from others, and to try to tell them differently, they can't cope with it..at least at first. It goes against what their 'dom' said.

I think it takes time and growth too, to realize a person cloaking in domhood doesnt make him a Dom verses an abuser.



i dont deny they exist at all. when i was fairly new to it all and finding my way a bit i had more than my fair share.

the explanation i came up with was that many of the older more arrogant types simply dont read or bother to understand the submissive psyche, they beleive themselves to be dominant and that they know all there is to know about it all. i also got the impression that alot of them, not all of them, but many were mysogenistic up to a point.

the idea that they can have a woman at their kinky beck and call without any risk of attachment, hurt or vulnerability draws them in. alot are kinky but have no instinct for what a dominant is. they do not even recognise that a dominant is a personality type not an affectation or a role. not necassarily a bad thing, the trouble exists when they portray themselves as the BIG I AM and believe it.

but Doms often find the same with sub types who cannot or will not give it up to power exchange and want it all on their terms or not atall. arguably you could say that they are not submissives by nature but enjoy kink within a more egalitarian relationship. which is fine also but maybe they should say that rather than 'do me ill do anything'. in their fantasies maybe.

i think the whole thing is directly proportionate to the amount of time and effort you put into learning about youreself. the magical thing is that the moment you do you can recognise the 'do me' bunch a mile off.

but its heady stuff when you first start out. this man lumbers up and gets all chest beating and forceful, nice pic and he hits that eager subbie button with all his demonstrative broohaha. eventually you learn that its the guys that come up and say 'hi, how you doing, i like youre profile, thought id say hello' type of approach that usually are worth exploring further.

but we get subs on here asking 'should he be polite' - and you realise that there is a wealth of misunderstanding and misrepresentation of types from both perspective.

a wonderful Domme from america said to me once that these sites are alot like shooting fish in a barrel. so many new subs are open to attack from the predators who really havent a clue and need to go for newbies because theyd get nowhere with the more experienced subs. its a learning curve that many submissives have to go through.

............a bit like the baby penguins trying to get off shore to deeper water but first they have to negotiate the leopard seals. some do some dont.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 6:50:31 AM   
wisdomtogive


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You are welcome happylittlepet

I am happy to read so many responses from everyone.



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RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 7:12:48 AM   
wisdomtogive


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More ponderings of this as i try to see clearly.

I think for me it is the dbl standard of how people look at the do -me sub verses how they look at a do-me -dom. Actually, i never came across the do-me-dom in articles, so i coined the expression to serve what i was trying to relate. There are many types of relationships in our world, throughout all lifestyles. What floats one boat is not my concern, even if it floats badly. Being that s-types automatically, and to different extents, want to give all they can to their Dom. it is hard at times for some to see there are other types of Dom's besides the do-me. If they decide they need to serve someone who is caring and involved with them, it is okay. They just outgrown the do-me arrangement. Perhaps this is part of the journey for new folks in BDSM? It helps them to see what they really want and need in a relationship. We can compare this to when we first started dating, we run into all types, and grow to learn more about ourselves. Stepping into a different lifestyle can be confusing, but so was vanilla dating when we first began dating, way back when.

As in all things, we grow and learn more of who we are and our preferrance in serving or being served. Some will find the do-me a joy to serve or be serve, and they have met their match. Those who do not and seek more, will figure out it does not lessen who they are inside.  There are Do-me in every branch of life, someone has to love them and those who cant have to know that is okay. Doesn't make them any less of a person.



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RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 8:07:04 AM   
HandSolo


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

But just because you can't find the lid, doesn't mean it doesn't exist


The converse is also true.

< Message edited by HandSolo -- 12/27/2009 8:08:02 AM >


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Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 9:10:07 AM   
LadyPact


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I'm going to give this a shot and I'm going to play devil's advocate while I do it.

Yes, in some situations, I'm a do me Domme.  This is particularly true in those situations where it is a casual top/bottom type of event.  I don't go to the club or to a play party thinking to Myself that when the opportunity to play arises that I'm doing it for the bottom's sake.  I'm doing it for what I want out of it.  Sure, hopefully the other person will have a great time, too, but I'm not intentionally serving up their dream scene.  If I go out and have a meet and beat somewhere, it really is for Me and the other person is along for the ride.

Just last week, I went to a great event, where a lovely girl came up to Me and asked about becomming a regular play partner of Mine.  (Eat your hearts out male tops.)  I told her that before anything else, she needed to know two things.  The first is that when I say sadist, I mean it.  The other was that she has to accept the fact that I play with other people.  It's not that I don't care about her feelings in the matter, but My preference is playing with multiple bottoms.  It could very well be said that I'm being selfish about My wants being more important than hers, but I have no intention of changing it.

I think in the beginning of an arrangement such as that, I am going to be selfish, as I'm doing it for the fun of it and having a good time.  I'm not saying that I don't care about the other human being that I'm having the fun with, but I really am doing it for Me.




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RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 9:18:11 AM   
KatyLied


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I guess it is selfish to want to have your "wants" met.  But guess what?  If I am in a relationship where my "wants" are not being met, chances are I won't stay there, or I will stay and suffer until I meet someone who understands me better.  If that makes me a "do me sub" so be it.  

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RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 12:31:41 PM   
wisdomtogive


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdomtogive
Please keep in mind i am not addressing anyone in particular as being a do-me-dom. It is something, i just thought of the other day, as i been meditating on some things Sir brought to my attention regarding the last Sir.  This is meant in not way to slam anyone, just to hear both s-types and Doms opinions about how they view this concept.


It's okay.  We all know you mean osf.  And I definitely agree.



Psychonaut, no you got that wrong. I was not thinking about osf, and really do not know the person behind the s/n to even make a judgment like that.

Plus i don't become obsess with s/n here that i have to enter a thread and tear them down. i see you do though.

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RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 12:39:29 PM   
wisdomtogive


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Thank you Lady Pact

I totally understand your point of view. I really cannot think of anyone, but sure there is someone:), that goes to play only and is not in it for themselves.

Do-me anything though in a relationship of standing, if presented and set up that way is fine. My last 2 were, and I don't look back at it with distain. I am mostly speaking of those who are not informed about this and get lost in the waiting for the words to match the action. As they wait for the promises to come about, their self doubt becomes deeper within themselves, and feel they do not measure up to the 'ideal submissive'.

I do believe a lot of this, especially for new people, is a learning process. It is good they can come here and get alternative views, and start to see things in a different light.

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RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 12:48:49 PM   
happylittlepet


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And now this thread is off track, can we please to back to the topic?

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to Psychonaut23)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Do ME - 12/27/2009 1:17:56 PM   
wisdomtogive


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Psychonaut, I am glad my comment annoyed you, which was my intent. Your comment annoy me as well.

Babbling is not a bad thing either, and I take that as a compliment, thank you.

wisdom

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Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Do ME - 12/28/2009 2:54:33 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VideoAdminAlpha

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Hijacking is what I do..... or used too.

As I said I am rusty. Give me a couple of days and I will be fine.

Give me a week and I will be moderated.

give me an inch.....................

Jeff


It's Christmas...you asking as your Christmas wish to be moderated?/  **waits to see if it's still the giving season**  or wait, in reality, are you secretly telling that you need to be given an inch or two or three??????
high fives Alpha

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