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RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 12:52:38 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Its just a phase jaz. dont bother to analyze it, so much more to life.

Ron

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 1:06:47 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I can relate. I don't belong to this communitiy either and I like it that way. Are you having fun doing what you do? In my view that is all that matters. Forums are fun to read, and good for posting occasional thoughts or questions, but I don't consider this my community it is just a place to read stuff.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 1:27:47 PM   
TEMPERANCE


Posts: 126
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline 		I think different people place different emphasis on what aspects of the lifestyle mean more to them, some are into the whole heavy protocol thing others are just happy to go with the flow and does what comes naturally, for some its more about enjoying the naturally occurring dynamic rather than trying to force things into boxes because this is how it should be done, who says it should be done like that?

I can discuss the dynamics of a D/s, M/s relationship's, the different protocols etc all day long... putting it on paper its one thing but when you have another person thrown into that dynamic it has the potential of all going out of the window.  Basically you feed off each other and do what feels right for the both of you, for the relationship, to enable it to work in a way which is mutually satisfying.
   
It probably feels like you are cheating because it just feels so natural to you, its not thought about as its just naturally occurring.... to me that can only be a good thing.   I think the true test is the longevity of the relationship... many that claim to live the lifestyle by the rules are single,  in short lived relationships, or even worse in unhappy relationships.  If your relationship is working, if you are happy and if you are involving the areas of kink which mean the most to you then yeah you are in a minority.... because you’re living a perfect relationship and one doesn’t happen across one of those very often.... enjoy it for what it is.

< Message edited by TEMPERANCE -- 12/27/2009 1:28:30 PM >

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RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 1:35:45 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I can relate. I don't belong to this communitiy either and I like it that way. Are you having fun doing what you do? In my view that is all that matters. Forums are fun to read, and good for posting occasional thoughts or questions, but I don't consider this my community it is just a place to read stuff.


everybody here without exception loves me

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 1:43:16 PM   
QuirkyAnne


Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline 		Like others have already said, you're doing everything right.  You're happy and content with your own brand of kink and that's all that matters!

Anne

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 2:30:51 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don’t fit in here.


I felt like this for a long time actually.

quote:

I almost feel as though we are cheating at this and yet we are so blissfully happy.

So what is wrong with taking all of this light heartedly? Perhaps nothing wrong? but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.

I spent years dominating but I never took it so seriously that it became a conscious, everyday part of my life (except of course when I was doing this professionally and had to put a whole load of unnatural effort into many a session)

I would say that if I put my life on a lab table and analyzed it, my findings would be a life of 24/7 D/s S/m and PE and yet we never use words like Sir or Maam and we never wait on bended knee to please unless we are getting down to sex.

Our relationship is incredibly disciplined but we hardly ever speak about that. It just seems to occur on a continual and happy basis. Everything we do seems to happen spontaneously and it always seems to fall happily into place.


Sounds divine and completely uncontrived. Congratulations in living out your dreams and keeping it all in perspective.

quote:

I know, I know... if we are happy then thats all that matters and your right of course but I’m wondering why I so often feel like a stranger in this community.


Because communities, even alternative communities, have rules and models and you don't fit in it. It's normal. But seems as though you've found "the jar to your lid" (to quote breatheasone), so that is amazing! I, for one, love your posts and am glad you are part of the collarme community. You make me feel like I'm not the only strange one ;-)

- LA

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 2:34:09 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Without variety here, we'd just be Stepfordtown. 

Don't worry about "fitting in".......just "be".

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 2:41:54 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

So what is wrong with taking all of this light heartedly? Perhaps nothing wrong? but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.


For some..It is serious..for others..it's more fun based..Not to say you can't have fun in either degree..It's just for some of us..Well taking it serious is the "fun part".

Why do you care if others see you as fitting in or not? Was this just a "I need a hug" post?


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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 3:05:28 PM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TEMPERANCE

I think different people place different emphasis on what aspects of the lifestyle mean more to them, some are into the whole heavy protocol thing others are just happy to go with the flow and does what comes naturally, for some its more about enjoying the naturally occurring dynamic rather than trying to force things into boxes because this is how it should be done, who says it should be done like that?

I can discuss the dynamics of a D/s, M/s relationship's, the different protocols etc all day long... putting it on paper its one thing but when you have another person thrown into that dynamic it has the potential of all going out of the window.  Basically you feed off each other and do what feels right for the both of you, for the relationship, to enable it to work in a way which is mutually satisfying.
   
It probably feels like you are cheating because it just feels so natural to you, its not thought about as its just naturally occurring.... to me that can only be a good thing.   I think the true test is the longevity of the relationship... many that claim to live the lifestyle by the rules are single,  in short lived relationships, or even worse in unhappy relationships.  If your relationship is working, if you are happy and if you are involving the areas of kink which mean the most to you then yeah you are in a minority.... because you’re living a perfect relationship and one doesn’t happen across one of those very often.... enjoy it for what it is.


Hey Temperance, I read your profile----WHAT A HOWL!  lol.....

(in reply to TEMPERANCE)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 4:08:31 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Icarys... I wanted to reply to your post first because you have already accessed me and reached the conclusion that we are just having a bit of fun.
What we do is incredibly deep but perhaps not in the same way as you would consider it to be. The depths of where we go were incomprehensible both emotionally and physically before I met Steve but just because I have no desire to go down a submissive or slave route highlights why I feel at odds with so many people who post on these forums.
There are many on here that wouldn’t heed my advice because I’m not a text book sub/Dom/whatever.
It is heartwarming to feel the support that has been shown in this thread but it is also clear that the majority of posters here are not the ones who profess to live a text book existence.

Thanks LadyP thats a really nice thing to say and yes it very much is working for us. Steve and me and our new girl (though she is my ex long term sub) have everything we want. We don’t aspire to be other people and I think we are fairly widely accepted in the UK community. Every question you ask I can answer positively and yet I feel like some sort of fraud when I come to this site.

I’ll take that drink NihilusZero!. I’m glad you have found my posts informative.

Hi sunshinemiss, something clicked when I read what you said. Being light hearted and joyful in this relationship has actually allowed me to open up more than I ever thought possible and explore the deeper side of me that prior to this I had put restrictions on.
I enjoyed just being dominant but sometimes I let that dominance rule me and stop me having the fun I needed to have to make it all complete. I can do that now.

TY Lockit, that was a lovely thing to say

Underumam, I doubt very much I am going anywhere. Your right, we have a lot in common, especially pain!

Thanks Level and I’m glad my posts on switching are thought provoking and I think being a switch is mainly the problem I have on here.
I am so proud of what we have and so, so happy and yet I am still feeling this need to convince others of that!! Its ridiculous I know. I think what I try to portray in my switch posts is the depth of what a switch relationship can go but what I have just realized is, its not the switch that gives the depth, its the people within it.

Oh I know your right kiwi. We have many scene friends that come over on boards such as these as very ‘bdsm’y but when we all get together for a meal and a natter, we just all have fun in a very relaxed manner. Thats not to say they are less ‘bdsm’y than what they portray but its just different in the real world.

I think your right starshineowned. I worry that I am becoming less tolerant, not of other peoples kinks and preferences but the scene in general. When you have been around a while you see this perpetual cycle and with it comes all that stuff that likes to tell you that your really not doing this correctly!

AnimusRex, its funny that you say that you and Kim often feel like odd ducks here because I think you come to the boards with such informed knowledge.
Your right about BDSM only being a catchall phrase. I think this site leans much more towards Dominance/submission/slavery than the other sites I go to and perhaps because Steve and me are very middle ground when it comes to all that, it does give that ‘duck out of water’ feel about it sometimes, a lot of the time... most of the time!!
I like what you said about not fitting in because there is nothing to fit into.

Ranja, I only go to one other site (not counting the occasional visit to fetlife) and the difference on that sit is its English and I know a large amount of people on that site.
I think when you know one another in rl your just more relaxed around them.

Thanks CarrieO... Your right, this is the most natural thing in the world and yet I have deviated from running my life as a dominant woman who believed she was happy, to running my life as a switch who realizes that my happiness before was always greatly lacking something. Sometimes I wonder if I am a little tinged with guilt for not living up to other peoples expectations of what they wanted me to be.
When I first got with Steve I virtually left the scene for months because I knew that I was going to disappoint my following of submissive men. I felt as though I was betraying them.
Steve was the one who reminded me that this wasn’t just about going to the dance, this was about having a complete ball.

Hi Justme, taking a break from the lifestyle would be impossible. We are consumed in that but taking a break from here is something I have done before. The problem with taking a break is there are many posters I like and enjoy sharing things with.

I analyze everything mnottertail, I’m a woman!!

Your right Missokyst, I think I have too much time on my hands right now!

Thanks Temperance.. I like the words ‘naturally occurring dynamic’ because that sums Steve and me up very well.
I laughed when you said ‘it probably feels like your cheating because it just feels so natural to you’ because your absolutely right! We are what we are without the manual, it all just came without effort and perhaps fell together so easily. I watch people on the boards struggling with this and that and I kind of feel like I jumped the queue.

Thank you Lady Angelica for reinforcing so much of what else has been said here.



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(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 4:55:24 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Some people here *do* denigrate switches, tops, bottoms, sadists, and masochists as being only into "play," being selfish, not caring about our partners, etc. ad nauseum. It does get a bit old sometimes, and the recent posts by Sir Russell and Psychonaut have been a bit exasperating. So, I'm not suprised you're considering taking a break! While I do use M/s terminology in my current relationship, I've had other relationships where I didn't, and it simply didn't apply. I don't call my female submissive playpartner "my submissive," even though we respond to each other on a D/s level, since we don't have the commitments and romantic ties that I feel should go with that title. A couple of people over on Ask a Mistress claimed I shouldn't be allowed to post there and said pretty much outright that I don't belong there. Several people told them off for that, and I pretty much just dismissed their nonsense. Anyway, I enjoy your posts a lot!

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 5:31:08 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Thanks LadyP thats a really nice thing to say and yes it very much is working for us. Steve and me and our new girl (though she is my ex long term sub) have everything we want. We don’t aspire to be other people and I think we are fairly widely accepted in the UK community. Every question you ask I can answer positively and yet I feel like some sort of fraud when I come to this site.


I'm just going to address this, even though you also had very nice things to say to many who responded here.  Some of this you may not agree with, but hear it out and give it just a moment's thought.

There's a connection that I think you're not making here.  I look at this as a BDSM site.  Sure, a lot of folks also consider it to be about D/s or M/s, but I'm not one of the people who will swap all of those letters around and give them an assignment other than what they started out as.  To Me, it is still bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism.  Yes, it's cute and convenient that there's the "DS" in the middle and some folks use that to include Dominance and submission, but those are different things to Me.  The core of it can just as easily be seen as topping and bottoming, without a power structure really being in there for anything longer than the duration of a scene.

I don't see how you could think of yourself as anything BUT someone who belongs here.  The fact that you enjoy both the sadism and the masochism makes it even more so.  There are quite a few out there who pale in comparrison when it comes to some of the things out there that you relish.  The sadist in Me pays attention when I see the same kind of drive in you that fuels or enjoys My own sadism.  In that department, we're more alike than you might think.

Even if I took away the Dominant part of what I write here, or the M/s dynamic, I'd still be around here because I just plain enjoy topping.  I love playing.  Inflicting pain is fun for Me.  Plain, old, regular S/m is something I do because I have a good time.  Like you, I also happen to be good at it.  I don't think you'd see Me as a fraud if I was approaching it that way, so I don't see why you should look at yourself that way either.

Just something to think about.




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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 6:34:54 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		allthatjaz, you're happy, and according to almost everyone who has responded, you're doing everything right. So, obviously, you don't fit in here.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 10:26:14 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don’t fit in here. I almost feel as though we are cheating at this and yet we are so blissfully happy.

So what is wrong with taking all of this light heartedly? Perhaps nothing wrong? but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.

I spent years dominating but I never took it so seriously that it became a conscious, everyday part of my life (except of course when I was doing this professionally and had to put a whole load of unnatural effort into many a session)

I would say that if I put my life on a lab table and analyzed it, my findings would be a life of 24/7 D/s S/m and PE and yet we never use words like Sir or Maam and we never wait on bended knee to please unless we are getting down to sex.

Our relationship is incredibly disciplined but we hardly ever speak about that. It just seems to occur on a continual and happy basis. Everything we do seems to happen spontaneously and it always seems to fall happily into place.

I know, I know... if we are happy then thats all that matters and your right of course but I’m wondering why I so often feel like a stranger in this community.




allthatjaz,

  I'm relatively new around here, but I've always loved your posts.  I don't think people always have to use Sir or Ma'am or be really showy to be real.  There are as many different ways to be "real" as there are relationships.  If you're happy that's what matters.  I'm betting there are many here on collarme who wish they could be as happy as you are.  Who cares what anyone else thinks of your relationship?  It's not for them to judge.  I, for one, would hate to see you go.

sweetsub1957

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"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/27/2009 11:00:01 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
So what is wrong with taking all of this light heartedly? Perhaps nothing wrong? but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.


There are not many statements I would make as being nearly all encompasing, applying to relaitonships across the board or throughout the 'lifestyle'.

but here is one: if you are in a PE relationship, and you're not having more fun than you can possibly imagine being legeal, you are doing it all wrong.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 12:03:31 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

Hi Justme, taking a break from the lifestyle would be impossible. We are consumed in that but taking a break from here is something I have done before. The problem with taking a break is there are many posters I like and enjoy sharing things with.


good morning

You could always mail with them outside CM. That is how I keep contact with my friends.
Afther a few weeks..then I mostly come back here.
I gues the "missing" means you do kinda feel home here.

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 1:22:22 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks LadyP, I understand what your saying and your right. Of course this site is BDSM, though I think it sways to one side much more than it does to the other.
There are a few people on here that I can connect with and your one of them.
Your post got me thinking( Not something I should do a lot of as it never does me any good!) The boards seem much more clued in to dominance and submission and the posts on Sado/masochism seem to be much lesser in number on this site.
There is huge influx of new people coming here and keeping the boards turning and it always surprises me that more people aren't debating and inquiring about Sado/masochistic experiences and it often dismays me that when someone asks (especially a man) he is put down as looking for wank fodder. The responses often cheapen the action and point towards Sado/masochism being the unspoken sin. Perhaps thats a bit of an exaggeration but because Sado/masochism is a big part of me and how to be a good Dominant or a perfect submissive holds little interest for me, I am often left feeling like I am sitting at the back of the class! and do (though I think wrongly from reading all the posts on this thread) feel as though I am regarded as just a fun and games person.

Maria

P.S. Thanks for the moral support. It is very much appreciated

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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 1:29:08 AM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		I know the feeling, but it sounds to me, like you and yours have got it going on!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.    M

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(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 2:34:48 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		You have to build your relationship together in your own way. Your way may not be someone else's way but, why should you care? Do not follow the pack, follow your own path. Set your own heading and sail off that way.

Blissfully happy? Then why feel the need to fit in or change things? As long as you, and yours are happy with your relationship, no one else matters.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 3:40:43 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		hey maria,

i think youre great (just adding my vote) -i think maybe im one of the ones that bangs on about Ds and Ms - but thats my kink if you like. im on the other end of the spectrum where the bdsm isnt so much why im here. im trying to get to grips with how i tick with all of that.

to be honest, id love to see more BDSM threads going on, because it is all part of why we're here. but im like you but at the other end of the perspective. i have little to offer those discussions because i really dont play to those levels, least i havent yet.

but reading youres and LP's posting on things is great. LP's account of cutting littlechip was actually really beautiful. for me what resonated was her absolute pleasure in the bond that she felt. for you maybe it was how the cutting resonated through her, tasting his blood (i dont know, im just hypothesising

we're all different here but just because people dont respond to a BDSM related thread so much is probably more due to inexperience than a lack of interest. im fascinated by it all but i rarely have anything to add that wouldnt sound a bit stupid, frankly.

please dont go. xxx

< Message edited by lally2 -- 12/28/2009 3:42:00 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 40
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