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RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 3:56:35 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

please dont go. xxx


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85ioAUkabe0

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 4:12:18 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

please dont go. xxx


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85ioAUkabe0


lol... i hadnt thought of that, now i cant get the tune out of my head! - erm, thanks. xx

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 4:15:08 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		My Master and I don't fit in either.  We don't fit into any community because we are private almost to the point of recluse.  Master stopped posting on this site over a year ago and has no intention of posting again.

Sure, there are the regulars, the "darlings" and the favorites but when one's life is daily joy, who cares about fitting in? 

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 4:26:56 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Uh oh. We don't fit in either. We have a normal, functioning relationship that incorporates bdsm, power exchange and vanilla at all levels. We are happy and it is effortless. We value the fact that we have all of that because we know how lucky we are to have found someone that we match with like we do. It's hard to find a match on a vanilla level. It's harder to find a match on a bdsm level. It's like a needle in a haystack to find someone that you match so perfectly with on both of those levels and to be physically, wildy attracted to each other to boot. So we enjoy every minute together and don't overanalyze things. We just accept it.

_____________________________



(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 4:41:29 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Thanks LadyP, I understand what your saying and your right. Of course this site is BDSM, though I think it sways to one side much more than it does to the other.
There are a few people on here that I can connect with and your one of them.
Your post got me thinking( Not something I should do a lot of as it never does me any good!) The boards seem much more clued in to dominance and submission and the posts on Sado/masochism seem to be much lesser in number on this site.
There is huge influx of new people coming here and keeping the boards turning and it always surprises me that more people aren't debating and inquiring about Sado/masochistic experiences and it often dismays me that when someone asks (especially a man) he is put down as looking for wank fodder. The responses often cheapen the action and point towards Sado/masochism being the unspoken sin. Perhaps thats a bit of an exaggeration but because Sado/masochism is a big part of me and how to be a good Dominant or a perfect submissive holds little interest for me, I am often left feeling like I am sitting at the back of the class! and do (though I think wrongly from reading all the posts on this thread) feel as though I am regarded as just a fun and games person.

Maria

P.S. Thanks for the moral support. It is very much appreciated


There does seem to be a heavier sway toward the D/s M/s *relationship* aspect of bdsm here. Perhaps that's because it's the part that a lot of people have a problem with. There's lots of talk about serving, *feeling submissive* and a tremendous amount of discussion that boils down to *communication*.

When you've been in a relationship for years, that's successful, is happy, isn't angst ridden and seems effortless, it's something that doesn't take a great deal of thought. It just goes along with a momentum of it's own and doesn't seem to need constant *taking apart* or a great deal of navel gazing.

Animus is right, there's naff all to fit into....apart from fitting into your own herb garden. And you can plant and grow any damn thing you like, in any order you like.

The last thing I care about is fitting into anybody else's construct of an M/s relationship. The *book* wasn't written about us, so we write our own as we go along. I quite like reading books that aren't word for word like ours........ so do please carry on.

agirl












(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 5:50:11 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I am not sure that any of us fit. I prefer it that way.

As for taking this seriously? I believe my avatar say's it all..:)



Jeffwey

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 6:12:09 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Nice OP..

For me, BDSM represents such a broad collection of views/needs/wants/attitudes that I think it's almost meaningless to say "I feel I belong in this community" - I am a part of this "community" because I'm engaged with BDSM, but I belong to a much smaller community that exists within BDSM ( consisting of usually sane, intelligent, not-too-serious people who all acknowledge that BDSM is important, but also have plenty of other things going on).



(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 8:11:58 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.



As far as I am concerned, if your not having fun, then why bother. Now I know there are a lot of people who take life very seriously, and never see a reason to laugh or clown around, but I try to avoid that if possible.


_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 8:17:45 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Underumam

quote:

ORIGINAL: TEMPERANCE

I think different people place different emphasis on what aspects of the lifestyle mean more to them, some are into the whole heavy protocol thing others are just happy to go with the flow and does what comes naturally, for some its more about enjoying the naturally occurring dynamic rather than trying to force things into boxes because this is how it should be done, who says it should be done like that?

I can discuss the dynamics of a D/s, M/s relationship's, the different protocols etc all day long... putting it on paper its one thing but when you have another person thrown into that dynamic it has the potential of all going out of the window.  Basically you feed off each other and do what feels right for the both of you, for the relationship, to enable it to work in a way which is mutually satisfying.
   
It probably feels like you are cheating because it just feels so natural to you, its not thought about as its just naturally occurring.... to me that can only be a good thing.   I think the true test is the longevity of the relationship... many that claim to live the lifestyle by the rules are single,  in short lived relationships, or even worse in unhappy relationships.  If your relationship is working, if you are happy and if you are involving the areas of kink which mean the most to you then yeah you are in a minority.... because you’re living a perfect relationship and one doesn’t happen across one of those very often.... enjoy it for what it is.


Hey Temperance, I read your profile----WHAT A HOWL!  lol.....



You made me look and yes it is very cool. Makes me wish I was a guy so I could court the lady.


_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to Underumam)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 8:32:07 AM   
Daddy519


Posts: 8
Joined: 12/27/2009
Status: offline 		I've always had a problem with people in "the lifestyle" who consider anyone who doesn't buy into it full bore as posers and fakes.

For instance...I'm not a "real dom"  because I prefer to be treated with respect by actions not words.
I consider "sir" meaningless.  I was in the military for almost 20 years---I've used "sir" to mean "festering shit head".

Its you who determines what this lifestyle means.  Its an individual thing and its up to you to carve your own niche.



(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 8:57:24 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

people aren't debating and inquiring about Sado/masochistic experiences and it often dismays me that when someone asks (especially a man) he is put down as looking for wank fodder. The responses often cheapen the action and point towards Sado/masochism being the unspoken sin.

I've noticed that attitude too.  It's sad, because there are probably a number of people who are curious but don't say anything, thinking they will be be blasted for doing so.  I'm a little curious, but keep my mouth shut because of that.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 9:06:17 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

So what is wrong with taking all of this light heartedly? Perhaps nothing wrong? but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.
We haven't been "doing it properly" for close to seven years now. But I'll tell you - we had Beach Mystress, toi, and Wyld Heart visiting us for a few days over the weekend and we sure had "light hearted" fun; some sources by quoting posts from CM.

Coming and reading the posts you reference on CM provides amusement. It's also part of the fun you get by not doing it properly. I'm kinda disappointed when I check CM in the morning and I can't chuckle, shake my head, and smile at some inane post on a critical subject like; "I think I would love fisting, but worry about it. Should I put a limit on the circumference on the size of the fist used?"

People lack confidence to expose themselves. You see it all the time by the emotional reactions that occur when you quote back to them their own words pointing out they are counter to their goals. Why does it matter what another person thinks about what you and your partner are doing? Many fear what they desire; not the actual experience but the image they will project to others when they do. How can you fit in as a 'modern woman' enjoying submitting to a man, sacrificing your 'career' for the sake of a relationship? Disclosing you are a sadist who likes to beat and/or humiliate woman isn't the acceptable PC image of a man. Hell - instead of being worried about feeling as though you don't fit it, it should cause you more concern if you feel you do!

Yet, CM seems to be a source of required validation for many. You can get anything validated here if phrase the question correctly. Motivated to do so, you can do a little back-tracking and see the same person announce they've found their 'one' and are now in their 'perfect' relationships 4 or 5 times over the course of time along with the group validating "congratulations!". I think that CM is one of the best resources on the internet for examples of what not to do in any relationship. The BDSM and D/s aspects are a bonus.

However, every so often you do get a sense of sincerity in a posed question. Sometimes personal insight, knowledge and experience is appreciated; and it makes you feel good to be able to post a personal account. While waiting you get to enjoy the multiple personality profiles posting and then congratulating themselves under another name to validate their 'wit' and/or insight. I mean who can't learn something, if only how ridiculous it is, when someone seeking personal validation posts in a thread an 'absolute-ism' like - "nobody can be a happy being a slave 24/7", "micro-managing a person isn't 'healthy'.". Then there are the dangerous absolute-isms; "safe-words keep you safe"; because after all - somebody looking to hurt or kill you wouldn't lie to you about honoring a magic word before Tying you up.

Not needing or seeking validation would make you feel as if you don't belong. Even if you don't get sadistic pleasure out of participating; the fun and amusement should still be enough to keep you around.

After all...


PS - How has the work been progressing on your boat? Can't wait to welcome you as you sail into a SoCal port soon! We had a great time with you that night in London at the Sherlock Holmes Pub and look forward to seeing you again!

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 10:02:14 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I am not sure that any of us fit. I prefer it that way.

As for taking this seriously? I believe my avatar say's it all..:)



Jeffwey


i agree with this, come to think of it, we're all just finding an outlet to express who we are, cos we really cant with anyone else who isnt bdsm. (generally speaking)

ive often thought about the defensiveness that some people (and me on occasions) display when counter argument or outright questioning challenges their world view or at least their micro view of the world they inhabit.

self identity is vital and for me anyway this is part of how i identify with myself.

someone asked me what i do in my vanilla life - i answered him by saying, i dont live a vanilla life, i live my life and there is vanilla in it because there has to be. doesnt make me vanilla, doesnt make my life vanilla, just makes me part of the mix.

in the same way that someone may identify with bdsm more, i identify more with Ms, i identify less with vanila than i do with bdsm and as a whole i see this community as a mix of everything and everyone and my identity here is just a splurge of random thoughts. this being a prime example!

the way i see it 'community' means a mix and mishmash of everyone and everything otherwise you hit homogeny and blurgh to that!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 6:09:33 PM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I just wanted to say thank you for all the thoughtful replies. I have to admit that I am surprised that so many of you have said that you feel you don’t fit in here.

I won’t go lally2 ty xxx

Your right about it being hard to find a match on a bdsm level Aileen. We are such complex puzzles and that missing link is difficult to find but if and when you do find it, it’s pretty incredible.

I loved what you said about your own herb garden agirl. I know I have a beautiful herb garden. You planted a good seed of thought there for me!

Jeffff I love our avatar and your right, it does say a lot of good things about you:)

Your right crazyml. Within the wider community we are far more likely to home in on people who are similar to ourselves and that in turn makes our community, the one that we fit like a glove, very small indeed.

I always get the impression your a fun person thishereboi!

So true Daddy519. Only we can determine what the lifestyle means. I don’t doubt what my lifestyle means, not even for a moment and the fact that I feel the need to convince anyone else of that shows I have an insecurity.
Throughout this post people have made me analyze myself and though people say you shouldn't do that, I think in this instance I need to.

‘CM seems to be a source of Required validation’ I think your spot on there Merc and beth.
Steve and me are like you both in that we often laugh at the ridiculous, not so much questions but the advice given to the questions. When the man who lives in his mothers basement but proclaims to have had naked slaves at his feet and has done more or less since birth, tells another dominant how to get it right in a condescending manner or a submissive cries loudly ‘My Master would never do that’ knowing full well that she is not being at all helpful but is intent on boosting her own ego, it does make me smirk!

The boat is onwards and upwards and yours will be the first number we call when we do get over to SoCal!
You are definitely people we would enjoy spending more time around!

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/28/2009 7:55:26 PM   
mstrslve4fun


Posts: 60
Joined: 12/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf



at the moment i'm not having all that much fun at it not having a partner to abuse so i must be doing something wrong


You are currently without a sub/slave?

Now THERE'S a surprise.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/30/2009 10:10:00 PM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TEMPERANCE

I think different people place different emphasis on what aspects of the lifestyle mean more to them, some are into the whole heavy protocol thing others are just happy to go with the flow and does what comes naturally, for some its more about enjoying the naturally occurring dynamic rather than trying to force things into boxes because this is how it should be done, who says it should be done like that?

I can discuss the dynamics of a D/s, M/s relationship's, the different protocols etc all day long... putting it on paper its one thing but when you have another person thrown into that dynamic it has the potential of all going out of the window.  Basically you feed off each other and do what feels right for the both of you, for the relationship, to enable it to work in a way which is mutually satisfying.
   
It probably feels like you are cheating because it just feels so natural to you, its not thought about as its just naturally occurring.... to me that can only be a good thing.   I think the true test is the longevity of the relationship... many that claim to live the lifestyle by the rules are single,  in short lived relationships, or even worse in unhappy relationships.  If your relationship is working, if you are happy and if you are involving the areas of kink which mean the most to you then yeah you are in a minority.... because you’re living a perfect relationship and one doesn’t happen across one of those very often.... enjoy it for what it is.
I've felt out of place now and then - then I read a profile like yours and I know I'm in the right place.

(in reply to TEMPERANCE)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 12/31/2009 11:50:27 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I know, I know... if we are happy then thats all that matters and your right of course but I’m wondering why I so often feel like a stranger in this community.
As all regulars here know, I've gone through various periods of alienization here also. In the end, I think it was Ironbear who pointed out to me that at best, someone else's relationship will only bear some relationship to my own. Each is and must be unique. To expect more is hopeless. So now I see the commonalities more than the differences.

And by the way, the day I give up my sense of humor is the day I put a bullet through my head. I need laugher and happiness in my marriage more than I need control or whatever else. So there ya go... you're not all alone in that.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 1/3/2010 5:53:44 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don’t fit in here. I almost feel as though we are cheating at this and yet we are so blissfully happy.

So what is wrong with taking all of this light heartedly? Perhaps nothing wrong? but I get the impression that if your having too much fun then your probably not doing it properly.

I spent years dominating but I never took it so seriously that it became a conscious, everyday part of my life (except of course when I was doing this professionally and had to put a whole load of unnatural effort into many a session)

I would say that if I put my life on a lab table and analyzed it, my findings would be a life of 24/7 D/s S/m and PE and yet we never use words like Sir or Maam and we never wait on bended knee to please unless we are getting down to sex.

Our relationship is incredibly disciplined but we hardly ever speak about that. It just seems to occur on a continual and happy basis. Everything we do seems to happen spontaneously and it always seems to fall happily into place.

I know, I know... if we are happy then thats all that matters and your right of course but I’m wondering why I so often feel like a stranger in this community.




Rule number 1... there are no rules, no right or wrong. What does matter is compatability and ability to mesh with one another on many levels. It appears you have done that. I don't care if everyone on this board told you that if you do not use the terms Sir Maam. you are doing it wrong, you must be wrong. If it is not what you need, then you don't do it.

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 1/3/2010 6:12:20 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		Not only do I not fit in, but I feel like an outsider most of the time. But that doesn't stop me from, once in a while, logging in and checking up on everyone!

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Just recently I have started to feel that I/We don�... - 1/3/2010 6:26:38 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I agree that a sense of humor is very important Leadership.
We spent NYE with probably the most depraved people we know and we had so much fun that its probably going to take us a year to get over it I sat back and did a bit of observing on Thursday night. I thought, here we have a bunch of people that are in strong D/s relationships, who are highly respected scene people and yet they can absolutely let there hair down and have a blast. Theres no pretense, no trying to out Dom or out sub anyone and nobody contradicting what anyone else is doing. These are people who accept us totally for what we are and celebrate with us. I think its important that we spend our time with people we don't need to impress.

Lol Acer 'Rule number 1... there are no rules' We have that saying imprinted very firmly in our mind.
Of course it doesn't really matter if people on here tell us that we are 'light weights' 'not real' or 'confused kinksters' I can honestly handle that and just put them down with the ignorant amongst us but I often feel that we are in the smaller minority on here when it comes to all the Sir, Maam, girl, slave stuff and I can understand why the larger minority amongst us would not be able to take us seriously.... when we have something serious to say. I often find that frustrating.

Saying that I have read some great replies from the people who write regularly to the boards and who I like and respect. I believe I was wrong when I formed the above opinion and I will be continuing as normal

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 60
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