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Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 8:33:08 PM   
sadisticangel101


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/2/2009
Status: offline 		A former Sir, knew of a hard limit from day one. Yet, tried to find ways of going around it and forcing it down my throat. Hard limits for me are only ones that will cause physical or emotional harm, not just because i do not wish to do them. i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub. it is my understanding that a Master is to care for their sub/slave and their wellbeing. i immediately left him, as the fact that a hard limit was pushed/forced showed i could not trust him to protect me, showing he had no care for my wellbeing. Was i in the right to leave the situation? i was told i was selfish for not giving in, but someone had to look out for me.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 8:35:08 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticangel101
i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub.


You should have left him just for that stupid comment alone.

Live and learn.

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 8:36:11 PM   
Sanguinarian


Posts: 474
Joined: 8/13/2008
Status: offline 		I am not a Master, but I would say you were entirely in the right.

That he felt he had to say if you cared for him you would do it is the same as any highschool moron telling their girlfriend they have to have sex to prove they love them.

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 8:42:18 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		If you already left, why is it an issue?

Hard limits can change over time.  What you are describing here is obviously one that didn't.  More than anything, you have to have respect for yourself, even in those times when someone else doesn't.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Sanguinarian)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 9:12:31 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticangel101

A former Sir, knew of a hard limit from day one. Yet, tried to find ways of going around it and forcing it down my throat. Hard limits for me are only ones that will cause physical or emotional harm, not just because i do not wish to do them. i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub. it is my understanding that a Master is to care for their sub/slave and their wellbeing. i immediately left him, as the fact that a hard limit was pushed/forced showed i could not trust him to protect me, showing he had no care for my wellbeing. Was i in the right to leave the situation? i was told i was selfish for not giving in, but someone had to look out for me.



Ethics is a matter of perspective and not of absolutes. Ethically and morally I believe each individual's well-being is dependent on themselves being capable of maintaining the boundaries that protect themselves from harm.

In my opinion... ethically you had every right to defend boundaries that violation of would lead to harm to your emotional, physical and/or mental well-being. Please note that to me harm is something that is enduring over a significant period of one's life if not a permanent effect.

However, not everyone shares the same ethics as I or has the same understanding of what Harm is. But in the end... it really doesn't matter what anyone believes with regards to you actions and choice of leaving the relationship... what does matter is How you FEEL about it!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 9:22:31 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticangel101

A former Sir, knew of a hard limit from day one. Yet, tried to find ways of going around it and forcing it down my throat. Hard limits for me are only ones that will cause physical or emotional harm, not just because i do not wish to do them. i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub. it is my understanding that a Master is to care for their sub/slave and their wellbeing. i immediately left him, as the fact that a hard limit was pushed/forced showed i could not trust him to protect me, showing he had no care for my wellbeing. Was i in the right to leave the situation? i was told i was selfish for not giving in, but someone had to look out for me.


Did you also eliminate the clueless idiot who told you that it was selfish to not give in?

It would be nice if we all found people who always had our best interest in mind, but your belief that "someone had to look out for me" was right on the money. When push comes to shove, YOU always have to look after you. Even when someone else is supposed to be doing it, you still need to be cognizant of whether or not something is in your best interest.

You are new around here (welcome to the boards), I don't know how new you are to BDSM, but you aren't new to being an adult. When someone intentionally ignores something you tell them that you feel strongly about, you already knew what to do.

Go tell the person who told you that you were being selfish to give him what he wants.

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:04:43 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		to me death or the impossible are hard limits, anything else is of a lesser status,not saying they aren't legit to some just that i don't see them as hard

just my opinion

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:08:44 PM   
dxrinc


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/24/2004
Status: offline 		why don't you jerkoff degenerates stop emailing me this crap

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:10:44 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dxrinc

why don't you jerkoff degenerates stop emailing me this crap


i'll cop the the degenerate part

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to dxrinc)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:39:27 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticangel101

i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub.


"Not a real sub is a term used by Those Who don't get what They want immediately, along with "fake" and "wannabe."  Try changing that phrase to the vanilla version:  "If you truly cared about/loved me, you would have sex with me....."  What would you do?  Be glad you left.  You have to look out for you.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:42:09 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		the if you loved me didn't work for me in high school nether

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:44:36 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

the if you loved me didn't work for me in high school nether


    Your gal probably had a mother like mine. 

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 10:49:33 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

the if you loved me didn't work for me in high school nether


    Your gal probably had a mother like mine. 


mothers suck

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Hard Limits - 12/27/2009 11:04:02 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf


quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

the if you loved me didn't work for me in high school nether


    Your gal probably had a mother like mine. 


mothers suck

I guess so.  I'm a mother and I do.  hehe 

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Hard Limits - 12/28/2009 6:04:20 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He was an asshole. However for the future, when someone tries that "not a real sub" crap, the response you want to make while walking out the door is that "real doms aren't liars", either that or that you are a real sub, just not his.

Liars tell you one thing and then do another. Honorable men (and women) keep their word. If he needed this activity and he knew you weren't able to do it, then he should have wished you good luck finding someone who was compatible the moment he discovered you couldn't do this.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Hard Limits - 12/28/2009 7:02:48 AM   
QuirkyAnne


Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticangel101

i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub.


The last "dom" that fed me this line got laughed at by myself and many others I told the story to (very similar to what you've posted), and when he snidely contacted me two weeks later to see if I'd "grown up" I told him that I had and was now a big girl and strong enough to jam him riding crop up his ass sideways if he ever contacted me again. 

You made the right choice.  Any dom that uses the BDSM equivalent of the universal whine of the horny teenager, "If you love me you will!!!" isn't worth the time, trouble, headache and heartache that WILL eventually come of the relationship.

Anne

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Hard Limits - 12/28/2009 7:30:39 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello op,
The above folks are right about the "if you loved me, you'd let me" kind of nonsense.

However, there are also folks who would say that some hard limits are not actually... it's more the idea of something than the actual doing of it.  While tickling has always been a hard limit for me, I was in a relationship where that wasn't permitted, and they tickled me all the time.  I got to a point where I wasn't ticklish anymore for stretches of time.  What the true hard limit for me was about breathing - I have asthma, and tickling can feed into that.  I just avoided the tickling as a way to avoid an asthma attack.  The people I was involved with were careful about my asthma, and therefore tickling became an activity I could handle.

I still don't LIKE tickling, and it is a limit for me.  Sometimes our "limits" are really just fears.  In trusting relationships, we can sometimes find that our "limits" are unnecessary.

Good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to QuirkyAnne)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Hard Limits - 12/28/2009 7:36:51 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

A former Sir, knew of a hard limit from day one. Yet, tried to find ways of going around it and forcing it down my throat. the fact that a hard limit was pushed/forced showed i could not trust him to protect me, showing he had no care for my wellbeing. Was i in the right to leave the situation? i was told i was selfish for not giving in, but someone had to look out for me.
You did the absolutely right thing. When a "sir" isn't serving you in the way, manner, or intensity you required it's appropriate to release him/her.

Find someone who will better serve your 'submission'.

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Hard Limits - 12/28/2009 7:46:03 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		If the situation is as described, then you were more than justified in walking.

I'm a bit curious, though - you seem to understand thoroughly that what he did was wrong.  So why do you ask about it?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Hard Limits - 12/28/2009 8:02:29 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sadisticangel101

i was told that if i truly cared for him, i would do it, and if i did not, i was not a real sub. 
This is called emotional blackmail.

quote:

 i was told i was selfish for not giving in, but someone had to look out for me.
No. He was selfish for attempting the emotional blackmail. It shows that he doesn't care about what this would do to you as long as he gets his jollies.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sadisticangel101)
Profile   Post #: 20
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