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RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/1/2010 2:50:32 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I do not want to throw 14 years of marriage down the drain but dont know what to do.


She already has. She has crossed the boundary of your relationship, by lying to you and not getting your approval for factors that influence your home life. She will continue lying now that she has found she can walk all over you. Let her have her ways, go see an attourney, file, lock her out. There is no way back.


(in reply to speeder)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/1/2010 2:52:33 PM   
JBGolden


Posts: 75
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Whoa whoa WHOA there, antipode.

Yeah, what she did was skeevy but it doesn't necessarily mean that a scorch the earth path is the way to go yet.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/1/2010 5:27:50 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		Like everyone else here, I think Steven has the best advice.

On the other hand, i doubt the OP has it within himself to do that. I think he secretly enjoys being the cuckold.

I (and many other Doms) would pursue Antipode's advice, but then we probably wouldn't find ourselves in this situation to begin with.

OP, either change the circumstances or stop whining about it. Thats about as nice as anyone can put it.

(in reply to JBGolden)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/1/2010 5:35:07 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Thats what I was thinking. If he enjoy's being cuck'd, they should find her a Master with a job...... and maybe a place of his own?


Jeff

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/1/2010 6:25:44 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

scorch the earth path is the way to go yet


Scare the living daylights out of them, I always think that is a nice negotiation position. If they can see it coming, he's screwed.

(in reply to JBGolden)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/1/2010 9:43:45 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline 		Speeder, I'm kinda sitting here with my mouth open after reading your post. I don't think I can relate to it well enough to offer you any advice, certainly nothing better than some of what has already been posted. But to be honest, I can't quite relate to that either. So here's where I'm coming from, for whatever it may be worth (or not).

Are you in love with your wife? Yes or no. If you are, add testosterone and shake well.

Otherwise, I have no advice, and less hope, for you.

Kirata

(in reply to speeder)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/2/2010 2:26:57 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

and maybe a place of his own?


Yup. Cuckolding with a homeless person is an entirely new dimension to me.

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/2/2010 3:52:30 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: speeder

found another Master, moved him into our home

Turns out his wife put him out because he lost his job and couldnt find another

He said he makes all decision, choices, etc for her including anything in the marital relationship, the household, her job, and her life as a whole.


Things did not work out so he is working on going somewhere else.

said he could order her to take care of him

he does not have a job or any money and said he needs someone to take care of him.
  Her choice of a "Master" sucks. Your wife is a novice sub that has fallen for a freeloader under the guise of D/s.

I agree with Steven. You have a right to control who is in your life. You didn't consent for this guy to have control of your marriage/finances/home. And my view is that any Dominant worth his salt would realize that claiming control without consent is unethical.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to speeder)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/2/2010 4:21:10 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Your wife is a novice sub that has fallen for a freeloader


I honestly doubt it. I think she knows exactly what she is doing, after 14 years of marriage she knows exactly how far she can push her husband, and she is just having her cake and eating it. I don't see anything novice about this lady. He should use this episode to record some conversations, this is his own home after all, perhaps a surreptitious webcam or two, have a recorded conversation where the other guy tells him his wife is under his control, see a lawyer with the evidence and boot them both. There is nothing that is going to stop her now, she'll keep pushing the envelope. The guy is incidental, it'll be a horse or a Porsche Cayenne or a girlie with a Harley next.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/2/2010 4:43:58 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
I think she knows exactly what she is doing, after 14 years of marriage she knows exactly how far she can push her husband, and she is just having her cake and eating it. I don't see anything novice about this lady.


Very well put.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/2/2010 8:18:20 PM   
erebus


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline 		I agree that you are in a strange position.  I sounds as though you are committed to saving your marriage.  However, your wife doesn't sound as committed at all.  Sexually, it sounds as though you are incompatible.

I suggest counseling, pronto.  I concur with the notion of separating your money and protecting your own interests.  Perhaps the marriage can be salvaged but you'd best be prepared to confront a divorce. 

If she does live you, let her make her own choices as to the losers she hooks up with. 

Personally, I'd have forced my wife to make a choice between us the moment you figured out what was going on.  I'd feel like punching the other guy out, or worse.  But that's just me.  Not too many people would have gone as far as you in trying to save your wife from this mess.

Good luck to you.

(in reply to DrkJourney)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/2/2010 9:36:47 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Your wife is a novice sub that has fallen for a freeloader


I honestly doubt it. I think she knows exactly what she is doing, after 14 years of marriage she knows exactly how far she can push her husband, and she is just having her cake and eating it. I don't see anything novice about this lady. He should use this episode to record some conversations, this is his own home after all, perhaps a surreptitious webcam or two, have a recorded conversation where the other guy tells him his wife is under his control, see a lawyer with the evidence and boot them both. There is nothing that is going to stop her now, she'll keep pushing the envelope. The guy is incidental, it'll be a horse or a Porsche Cayenne or a girlie with a Harley next.



While I totally agree with the concept that this woman isn't floundering about not knowing what she is doing, and even agree that her breach of the marriage would be very difficult to repair, your suggestions, while amusing would likely cause him more problems.

He should remove any access she has to marital funds before her little games cause the loss of all of their assets. He can't, however, lock her out of the house...no matter how much she deserves it. It is the marital home and she is as entitled to it as him. He doesn't say how long this freeloader has been living with them, but it might not even be possible to lock HIM out without the proper eviction proceedings. Sucks for sure, but as Psychonaut23 said, this guy likely is a con man and so he also is probably quite aware of his legal rights. Giving him "time" to find somewhere else to live is the least assertive way to get rid of him and the jerk knows, just like the wife, that the OP is being a bit of a pushover.

In most states, it would be illegal for him to record conversations between the wife and the freeloader. The OP would need to be a party to the conversation. However, I don't think it would the least bit difficult for the OP to get the jerk on tape saying anything that was needed. It seems to me that this guy's statements about how much "control" he has over the wife, being able to get her to do anything he wants is pretty much a subtle threat, the "if you piss me off, do you know what I can do?" sort of thing.

I would suggest that he tell his wife that while he has agreed, for the sake of their marriage, that she can seek out a dominant to satisfy the needs he is unable or unwilling to meet, he didn't agree to have someone in their home, making HIS life miserable. He needs to tell her that SHE needs to tell the guy to get out and if the guy isn't gone within a week, he will have him physically removed using whatever legal remedies are available in that state. Then I would point out to her that if she can't do this, she is free to leave with him. The wife and the freeloader are emotionally blackmailing the poor guy and he really needs to stand up for himself.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 4:48:46 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

In most states, it would be illegal for him to record conversations between the wife and the freeloader.


I am not certain why you would say he can't lock her out. My suggestion was for him to take legal advice, and that suggestion stands. I think an attourney would be able to suggest legal ways of accomplishing this - a restraining order comes to mind.

As to recording conversations, for most if not all states you are wrong. He can record what he wants in his own home. These are not third parties he makes recordings of, they are members of his housxehold, or purport to be, and if he wants to have his "home surveillance system" running 24/7, that's up to him.

He needs to not follow any of the advice you give him, because he would set legal precedents. You just can't have him tell her "she can seek out a dominant" - that's tantamount to permission. He needs to discuss strategy with a competent lawyer, and then do and discuss only what the lawyer advices him to do. The first thing any lawyer will tell him is that he can't agree to anything his wife does with regard to her having a liaison with anybody else. And he certainly can't discuss the man's presence with his wife - he needs to evict him, immediately.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 6:07:20 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you reread the op you would see he already has moved out but is threatening ordering the wife to support him still. He no longer is in the house but is still in contact with the wife.

OP, you need to decide for yourself what is acceptable for you. Would you be okay with your wife submitting to someone who you met and approved of, who agreed not to cross your boundaries? Would you be okay with her playing publicly while you were there, you giving aftercare? Are you okay with her having sex outside the marriage as long as you have that same option?

Figure out for yourself what works for you. Then tell her what you will or will not agree to. If she can be happy inside the boundaries you need, that you can have a workable relationship.

If however her needs and yours are too far apart to find a workable compromise, then you need to acknowledge that. Good luck.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 8:27:06 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
id point her in the direction of this thread and have her read it. then id sit her down and talk it all out.

the freeloader has gone, but if he had a hold on her it might take a bit to shake his 'control'.

in a way the control this man has over her, needs to be trumped (by you) or someone else, sufficiently for her to stop and see what a loser he is.

but there are con men out there who are very very good at what they do.

but i have to admit, im pretty gobsmacked that you went along with this at all. i think you deserve a medal for being ubelievably unselfish and understanding. either that or youre scared of losing her.

you need to think about you, work out what works for you and how you can make that happen. her 'solution' frankly blows in my opinion and is taking advantage of youre generous nature.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 8:38:25 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

If you reread the op you would see


I do that occasionally when I think it's important

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 9:06:52 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

In most states, it would be illegal for him to record conversations between the wife and the freeloader.


I am not certain why you would say he can't lock her out. My suggestion was for him to take legal advice, and that suggestion stands. I think an attourney would be able to suggest legal ways of accomplishing this - a restraining order comes to mind.

As to recording conversations, for most if not all states you are wrong. He can record what he wants in his own home. These are not third parties he makes recordings of, they are members of his housxehold, or purport to be, and if he wants to have his "home surveillance system" running 24/7, that's up to him.

He needs to not follow any of the advice you give him, because he would set legal precedents. You just can't have him tell her "she can seek out a dominant" - that's tantamount to permission. He needs to discuss strategy with a competent lawyer, and then do and discuss only what the lawyer advices him to do. The first thing any lawyer will tell him is that he can't agree to anything his wife does with regard to her having a liaison with anybody else. And he certainly can't discuss the man's presence with his wife - he needs to evict him, immediately.



He can't lock her out because she has just as much legal right to the house as he does. Even if the house was only in his name, it is her legal residence (since they are married). Most states do not permit "self help evictions" which if he locks her out, that is essentially what he is doing. Would not bode well for him in a divorce. They are "third parties" as he is not part of the conversation. What you are talking about might be all fine and dandy in a criminal action. Not so in a divorce.

He also can't get a restraining order. He has no grounds. Restraining orders are to protect people from acts of violence. There is no violence here.

Actually with over a dozen years experience in Family Law, I would say that might advice is a lot more practical than yours. He wouldn't be setting any legal precedents as there are none in the case to set. As the OP has already agreed to her having a dominant, a competent lawyer is not going to advise him to LIE. A competent lawyer would advise him whether Delaware (the OP's state) is a community property state or an equitable distribution state. Also whether it was a "no fault" state. In a no fault state, it doesn't matter what his wife did or didn't do, it is only grounds for divorce, and will not affect the settlement, and after 14 years of marriage and the age of the OP (assuming his wife is of similar age), there will be a settlement that could quite likely involve spousal support and that the sale of the marital home.

Caustic quips are typically quite amusing but when they go against the laws of most states they are certainly less than helpful.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 9:22:42 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		See, here's the thing.  Not everyone who is unemployed is a freeloader.  If she had chosen someone who was unemployed but handy around the house, I think a workable solution could have been had.

Speedster could have the thrill of being cuckadoodledooed.  Wifediddlyidly could have the thrill of being domdiddlydiddled.  Domdiddlydiddler could have the honor of playing king of the castle.  Roof could get reshingled.  Plumbing problems fixed.  House could get painted...

Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case.  Maybe it is just a matter of poor resource management?

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 1:42:55 PM   
mastFOX


Posts: 14
Joined: 7/27/2009
From: hollywood area
Status: offline 		 I'm Switch. who would like some in put. how to talk and get feed back after a scene. from doms and subs . mainly subs . I sub but I like to  dom more.

(in reply to DrkJourney)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: need help, advice, opinions, thoughts - 1/3/2010 3:03:48 PM   
speeder


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/19/2009
Status: offline 		First , I appreciate all the help, advice, opinions, thoughts, etc from everybody and look forward to more. it has been and will be helpful with the talks I have had and will be having with my wife.
Secondly, can anybody tell me if there are any guidelines, rules, or whatever regarding the Master/ slave relationship especially when the slave/ sub is half of a married couple. The reason I ask this is because of some things she said and because of some things he said prior to leaving. I'm sure these things are not right but I don't know. I have spelled out my opinions and feelings and where I stand. Are there any guidelines or rules of any kind or is it basically common sense? We have talked about it since he's been gone and as I said earlier, she said she has no choices or say in any matters because of the agreement she made with him surrendering herself to him totally, 100% and that he owns and totally controls her and makes all choices and decisions for her. She said she can voice her opinion but he that he has the final say, decision, and choice. Before he left, he told me that with the agreement she made with him, he does and always will own her, that he totally controls her, and that he makes all decisions and choices for her and, basically, will never set her free, by the way he talked. He said that there are a few things that he would not interfere in with the marital relationship, household, or her job but wanted me to know that he has the power and authority to do so, if he wanted to. A few examples he used are if he said she could not have sex with me, she could not. If he told her to sell the house, she would have to sell her half of it. If he told her to quit her job, she would have to. If he told her she had to get rid of her dog, she would have to. He said he can tell her what and when to eat and when to use the bathroom. I told him that there is no way on this earth that as long as she is married to me that he can, is going to, or will have that kind of control over her no matter what agreement she made with him because he took full advantage of her when she was on the rebound from a previous Master that just dumped her and left her out on her own. It was the following day after I said what I did that she asked him to leave and he did. To shed some light on his leaving, we have her sister and her 12 yr old daughter living with us and he disrespected them and her sister gave her a ultimatum that he leaves or they were leaving so she asked him to leave. She wasn't happy having to do that at the time but since he has been gone and they (her and the master) have talked, she has realized things that she didn't see, know, or realize before. She did tell me that he said would be willing to talk to me and discuss my feelings and opinions and my answer was that there is no discussing it.
As I said earlier and someone commented about, if there are things that she needs that I cannot provide or give that a Master or Dom can give, I'm willing for us to find her one and rules and guidelines be laid out and as someone said, this is our home and in my opinion, any Master/ dom, out of common decency, respect, and common sense, should respect it
This whole change in lifestyle of her is all new to me(and her) and is not something you can just go and talk to anybody about and I greatly appreciate everyones ideas, opinion, input, thoughts, advice, etc.. She said that I am to vanilla to be a dom or master to her and I said I can be or learn (if that is possible)to give her what she needs or wants. Any advice?


< Message edited by speeder -- 1/3/2010 3:06:41 PM >

(in reply to speeder)
Profile   Post #: 40
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