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RE: What's too far? - 1/13/2010 1:05:14 PM   
breatheasone


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When i was younger, (before age 20 lets say) i learned that i would not ever talk about certain things. Whether it was things i had only thought of, or had actually done and/or participated in. In my experience, thoughts can fuck with a person H-A-R-D! The trick is to acknowledge them, but not feed them. (if they are harmful to you)  Kinda like that guy did in the movie "A Beautiful Mind" ("a diet of the mind" he said) This has worked well for me anyway. ymmv

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RE: What's too far? - 1/13/2010 3:25:47 PM   
Rhodes85


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quote:

Ok, I give up. I'll just say it. None of you can actually see me, so it can't be that embarrassing, right? So one fantasy is to be completely head over heels in love with someone (a Dom, specifically) who doesn't love me back, and who uses that to manipulate me (in the meanest psychological ways) into an almost catatonic state where I can't think straight or even speak, and who then uses me to get himself off however he wants.


As a fantasy this would be more or less harmless. If you were to actually live like this, whether consentual or not, it is now healthy, psychologically or otherwise.

quote:

Exactly, yes. The only Dom I've had had this thing where he insisted that I genuinely was designed to be a fucktoy and nothing else, and while I found that insanely hot, I found pretty quickly that I couldn't live with him actually thinking that I was inferior 24/7. Love wasn't an issue, but it worries me that while I was with him I was ALWAYS the most turned on I can ever imagine being, and then later when I was walking around being a very smart, funny, capable young woman, I felt awful about it. So I have in fact acted out a dim version of the fantasy I'm talking about, and I really want more and yet don't see how I could go there without being - as MsMillgrove mentioned - abused.


The way I see it you enjoyed it behind closed doors, but when it came to real life it bothered you. Therefore I would say that living that as anything more than an occasional fantasy is not a good idea. Finding a temporary play partner for something like this is likely not a good idea either. Such temporary situations can easily involve someone who in fact is dangerous to your physical or mental well being. Particularly in this kind of fantasy.

There is a fine line between geniune fantasy and abuse. As WinsomeDefiance mentioned, just because its consentual does not necessarily mean its ok. Or a good idea for that matter. A good example is that woman on craiglist a few years back that had some guy she met on there torture and kill her as part of a fantasy. That is something of an extreme example, but the point is that some fantasies should remain just fantasies. and consent doesn't always make it either safe or ok. Both people involved in that situation consented, but clearly such consent did not make either of their actions ok. Like you said already, you liked it while it was happenning but afterwards felt bad about it. Thats common, alot of fantasies are more fun in your head than they turn out to be in real life.

quote:

I also worried endlessly that such things would be psychologically harmful once done,


The problem here is that some things are psychologically harmful for one person and not another. For example some women would not be bothered all by carrying out a rape fantasy, while someone who has witnessed or experienced a real rape could have a mental breakdown if she attempted to do the same. The thing is there is no real way to be sure whether something will or not unless you actually do it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Quite frankly, a man who is searching for someone to cut off his dick with a knife, not simply fantasizing about it, yea, he is wrong. Even if he finds someone willing to fufill his "fantasy" safe to assume he is wrong.


Why?


Because it is legitamately harmful to the person in question. Thinking otherwise you could ask why is it wrong to chop someone up with an axe if they wanted you to or why it is wrong for a 50 year old perv to get 'involved' with a 12 year old, even if she 'consented.' There are basic reasonable limits as to what is legitimately ok and what is not.

quote:

No thats true, but if, to use your early example, some guy wanted his penis cut off, had it done and was happy with the result who the hell are you to tell him that it wasn't ok?
quote:



Again, there has to be some limit to what is and is not ok. How do you know said person does not have some kind of mental problem or is otherwise not in a healthy state of mind? Would it be ok if the person was mentally ill? Such a request could be seen as an indication of mental illness.

quote:

And consent must make it okay because the only other alternative is to treat a person like they are too immature to make their own decisions.


I disagree. There is a reason people can be committed for observation for being a 'threat to themselves or others.' There has to be a line drawn somewhere as to what is simply not ok to do.

quote:

If a grown man manages to convince a grown woman that she should whore herself out for his monetary gain and she willingly obliges then it is okay...unless we have good reason to suspect that she is mentally incapacitated. And I don't mean she's on a rebound and decided to drown her sorrows in a new relationship, but seriously mentally incapacitated.
quote:



Such actions are illegal in most places. Such a situation shows two things: First, the said grown 'man' (and I use that term VERY loosely) is exploiting the woman. The fact that she is willing to whore herself out for his gain, aside from being illegal, IS a sign of some form of mental incompetence. Clearly something isn't quite right with a woman in that situation. I hardly consider a man exploiting a woman in such a way to be 'ok' under any circumstances.

quote:

Exactly - two conflicting options. Social acceptability doesn't make something the 'right' option.


Nor does consenting automatically do so.

quote:

I think that drugs should be legal, even the "hard" ones.


Weed, fine. crack, coke, meth and heroine? No. Legalize any of those - especially meth, and you are asking for problems. Making such drugs freely available will cause much more harm than you seem to think. You think people have caffeine problems? Meth is the most addictive substance known to man. Get a population trying that once and they will keep using.

quote:

Considering the fact that you don't know if it's stupid or not until it's done unless you think your insight is magically better than theres


Yes and no. Clearly there are some things that are obviously stupid things to do (ie: consenting to someone chopping you up with an axe) and some that may or may not turn out to be stupid later. (should I spend a weekend drinking my ass off? it might lead to me being an alcoholic later and it might not...)

quote:

Of course they're not equal. One is far more extreme a decision than the other. The degree to which we should respect the genuine consent of someone doing those things, however, should be equal.


Sorry but I simply cannot go along with that way of thinking. Anyone who willingly 'consents' to being roasted alive is not sane. Period. If that is not a sign of mental illness I don't know what is.

quote:

Well, the OP is essentially talking about learned helplessness, and that is an established psychological phenomena that can potentially affect people besides those directly involved, as in my example of what happens if the "competent" partner dies?


A very good question. And you're correct, that is an established psychological phenomena and can seriously affect a persons mental state.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/13/2010 3:44:58 PM   
breatheasone


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There's an old saying.... "have an open mind, But not so open your brains fall out."

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RE: What's too far? - 1/13/2010 4:46:11 PM   
Rhodes85


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quote:

There's an old saying.... "have an open mind, But not so open your brains fall out."


Thats a pretty good saying.

and GAH I must have screwed up the quotes somewhere in my post :(

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RE: What's too far? - 1/14/2010 5:50:48 AM   
ranja


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there are men who fantasise about having their dicks and balls removed as there are women who want their breasts cut off... some of these people take measures to have this done legitimately... they have a sex change and there are learned doctors who are prepared to perform these operations... and sometimes these procedures get funded with public money...
sometimes the people who have gone through a sex change regret it unfortunately...
i am generally more in favour of role play and pretend rather than the reality, but i understand for some people role play won't do.

as for being used as a fucktoy... it is an incredibly hot fantasy and it is pretty hot to actually realise it too.... the snag is the 24-7... i personally think anything but breathing 24-7 gets a bit tedius...

I had a friend who was a prostitute... i often fantasise that i am a prostitute... that i have a mean awful pimp who will force me to work... and then there will be so many ugly awful men who want to do unspeakable things with me for money... and i have to oblige
my friend thought i was the right sort of girl to do this for a living too... i even went to her place of work... she was renting a window in Amsterdam... i thought it was extremely interesting... seedy and very very kinky...
but i know i would quickly be 'cured' of my nice fantasy if i had to really work for my money like that though... still... i could do it for an hour or so... if i were allowed.
i also used my step father and many of my school teachers in my fantasies... especially when i was under age... i never really tried to seduce any of them to realise my fantasies, but i did eventually fall for my 15 years older Husband...


And if you feel bad the day after you've done some devious sex thing... you might be with the wrong man or maybe you have not really accepted your own weird kinks and so you feel 'wrong' about it rather than get hot after effects... that is a pity

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RE: What's too far? - 1/14/2010 8:59:32 AM   
xssve


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

Well, the OP is essentially talking about learned helplessness, and that is an established psychological phenomena that can potentially affect people besides those directly involved, as in my example of what happens if the "competent" partner dies?

I don't see where she was making that quite the point of discussion. The 'too far' in the OP is asking about a fantasy or set of fantasies that one would worry might psychologically affect someone if they were to entertain them.


She says it right here, that's learned helplessness, and it is a psychological effect.

quote:

Ok, I give up. I'll just say it. None of you can actually see me, so it can't be that embarrassing, right? So one fantasy is to be completely head over heels in love with someone (a Dom, specifically) who doesn't love me back, and who uses that to manipulate me (in the meanest psychological ways) into an almost catatonic state where I can't think straight or even speak, and who then uses me to get himself off however he wants.


quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
We discovered, through the thread, that her worry stemmed a great deal from the experience she had had where the partner wanted her to completely adopt the role of being inferior so as to match how he felt he should be able to see her. Her ideal, however, was just a more selective debasement or at least one where she knew she was genuinely thought of in all the positive ways she wishes while still being exposed to being able to be his fucktoy (which goes back to the fantasy).

The question of what happens when a partner dies doesn't have to do with a fantasy but with any relationship where sufficient emotional and/or physical/financial dependency has become the case. Unless you're saying that people who more openly try out their edgy fantasies are less able to handle breakups or the loss of a partner, I don't quite get how it's relevant.


We aren't talking about fantasy here, you're talking about fantasy - we're discussing the potential psychological effects of acting out on these fantasies - learned helplessness is one of them and it can affect your life, low self esteem is another, basically, self confidence, which can also affect your life, and the lives of others should it become necessary to exert it.

There are women who fail to defend their children against an SO who is molesting them for example, this is a less than optimal state of affairs for everyone involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve
In Blanche DuBois' case, she is carted off to a mental institution, presumably at taxpayer expense - a fictional example of course, but we're dealing with hypothetical's from the start, I'm sure I could come up with real world examples, i.e., if children are involved and they all end up living on the street at the mercy of every guy with a hardon - I've seen it happen.

I think maybe what you're saying is that the danger inherent in fantasies is because it is already presumed, with the more extreme ones, that simply the desire to have them somehow indicates psychological instability that could lead to some gross imbalance with our ability to manage the rest of our existence; as if the engaging in one unusual fantasy becomes a gateway act for reckless debauchery to suddenly spill into the rest of our lives.


There is that presumption: in the broader social sphere it's called Cultural Risk Theory, and it's partly based on magical thinking - i.e., transgression of the "rules" norms, mores, moral strictures, etc., will result in some sort of divine punishment, whereas in fact the danger is that the greater the reliance on these external forms of control is, the greater the risk that once transgressed, one is simply at sea: if everything you've been taught to value is suddenly devoid of value, you have nothing to replace it with: hypothetically, with no "moral compass" at all.

That's why Calvinist Christian activists equate homosexuality with pedophilia - they cannot imagine how one can break one "covenant" and not abrogate all of them - it's an entire system of restrictions, and if you break one part, you break all of it, at least that's the perception.

For some it's a slippery slope argument, for others, it's an avalanche.

Fortunately, many of these very "values" are actually the result of natural selection, they are written not in stone, but in our DNA, and the likelihood of abrogation effect occurring increases, ironically, to the extent deeply internalized external values systems have replaced basic mammalian behavioral instincts.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
It's no wonder, then, that the OP begins this thread wondering if, just by having thoughts of her fantasy, she isn't somehow magically at risk to lose the other parts of herself. Not everyone who picks up and smokes a cigarette for the first time goes on to become a 2-pack-a-day addict and the reasons for why that may or may not happen are not entirely based on the act of having smoked a cigarette in the first place and, certainly not, for thinking one would want to try it.
Sex is addictive, for roughly the same reasons nicotine is addictive, that is true, and that reason is largely concerned with the effects of serotonin- the major difference being that we evolved serotonin receptors in order to facilitate sex and bonding, including social bonding, it's our reward for doing good instead of evil, and sex, insofar as nature is concerned, is "good" - it's how sexually reproducing populations multiply.

It why your more erotophobic, "sex for reproduction only" Calvinists are so irritable - they're miserable. Sex is supposed to feel good, if we needed a "rule" to follow in order to reproduce we'd have gone extinct a long time ago.

And, all things being equal, even going off the deep end is just another variation on a theme - the big difference is that we also have economic values to consider that are just as critical to facilitate and optimize reproductive fitness, and if the behavior facilitates those, as it does to some extent under conditions of strict divisions of labor, then it's "good" and will optimize reproductive fitness - if it reduces reproductive fitness, then the behavior will not tend to be propagated, socially or genetically.

Strict divisions of labor worked very well under Pastoral and Agrarian economic value systems - in Hunter Gatherer economic value systems, and the complex Urban economic value systems that resemble them, women play a larger role than simply as incubators, and stress managers, childcare, etc., i.e., they compete more directly with males in economic pursuits, although to some extent, those other things remain integral in terms of overall reproductive fitness.

I hate to go all sciencey on it again, but that is the empirical breakdown.

< Message edited by xssve -- 1/14/2010 9:12:47 AM >

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RE: What's too far? - 1/14/2010 9:16:10 AM   
xssve


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In short, any conception of "psychological damage" can only be defined in terms of some context, i.e., how it affects other areas of your life, in this case, it's roughly the same criteria as any other definition of "addiction" - i.e., it has to be more than merely an obsession, it has to be negatively affecting other areas of your life.

If it's enhancing your life, it's not an "addiction", it's just a life.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/14/2010 10:01:21 AM   
NihilusZero


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quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

There is that presumption: in the broader social sphere it's called Cultural Risk Theory, and it's partly based on magical thinking - i.e., transgression of the "rules" norms, mores, moral strictures, etc., will result in some sort of divine punishment, whereas in fact the danger is that the greater the reliance on these external forms of control is, the greater the risk that once transgressed, one is simply at sea: if everything you've been taught to value is suddenly devoid of value, you have nothing to replace it with: hypothetically, with no "moral compass" at all.

This is actually quite compelling. Despite my philosophical views, I've actually always been more prone to consider the functional purpose of religiosity, for instance, for this very sort of reason.

Although, the catch is that the ability to push one's boundaries, to be the personal pioneer and still be able to steer the ship, is variable from person to person. I suppose there is no sure-fire way to see how proportional the presence of the fear is with the likelihood of losing that moral compass, but I suppose the presence of the fear (and its intensity) in the first place is an initial inner alarm for a reason.

quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

Fortunately, many of these very "values" are actually the result of natural selection, they are written not in stone, but in our DNA, and the likelihood of abrogation effect occurring increases, ironically, to the extent deeply internalized external values systems have replaced basic mammalian behavioral instincts.

I'm not sure that the values themselves are so finely tuned, biologically, but rather the propensity to place value in a way that leads humans to the most common ends. A nurture vs. nature debate on this topic, though, wouldn't necessarily discount the fact that such value systems do get ingrained rather deeply over the course of a person's life...but that, more importantly, the ability to separate from the pack in order to make the individual desires prioritized may not be one that is entirely in our control

quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

And, all things being equal, even going off the deep end is just another variation on a theme - the big difference is that we also have economic values to consider that are just as critical to facilitate and optimize reproductive fitness, and if the behavior facilitates those, as it does to some extent under conditions of strict divisions of labor, then it's "good" and will optimize reproductive fitness - if it reduces reproductive fitness, then the behavior will not tend to be propagated, socially or genetically.

Dealing with the human species as a whole become so difficult biologically because self-reflective psychology mucks up the simpler cause-effect systems. Value, now, can be added at whim instead of just via the evolutionary preference to traits that facilitated what once were our base instincts and still are, to be fair). And, while I do yield to certain biological boundaries that make one person more likely than the next to capably be a social rebel, our ability to assign value I think puts us at greater responsibility for being able to direct our paths (otherwise, any kind of psychological therapy would be fruitless).

quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

I hate to go all sciencey on it again, but that is the empirical breakdown.

No worries! It brought up an angle I hadn't yet considered.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/14/2010 4:50:57 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I know that some people crave certain things, but not all things that they crave are ok for them to indulge in.  In my belief, it isn't always in the best interest of another, to give them what they desire simply because one gets off doing so - and the other is a willing victim.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
....Regardless, I know what is wrong for me, and simply having a transient desire for it isn't enough incentive to indulge.

Contradiction.

You are supporting a notion that suggests that people do not always choose things which are okay, whether they are consensual or not. It is a direct suggestion that they do not know what is right and wrong for themselves.

And yet you follow it up, in the very next paragraph, by saying that you, however, do magically know what is right and wrong in your case.

So, it's just everyone else that we should consider as being confused but not you because you "know what is wrong for me"?

There's a word for thinking that other people should not be permitted to do what makes them happy (if consensual) just because you think it harms them.


I have to Chime on this. I indulge in smoking Cigarettes. It's really not all that good for my health , yet I still smoke. I spend good money on something I set on fire and burn up every day. If somebody asks me for a smoke and I give it to them, I'm contributing to something not in their best interest. I suppose I could simply say "No, I'm sorry, I don't want you to victimize you."

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RE: What's too far? - 1/14/2010 11:19:57 PM   
itswhatyouwant


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

Now on the other hand, if I were fantasizing about killing random people on the street just so that I could enjoy watching them die, well that's a bit different. I would wonder why I wanted strangers dead. Am I overly angry or what? I would probably seek some professional help to figure it out.




My problem is really distinguishing between what are "normal" BDSM desires and what's stepping over the line into abuse and whatnot. I'm en route to becoming a therapist myself, and have spent many years therapy... that's actually what allowed me to admit I really wanted to act on my long standing submissive desires. I'm very self aware and feel positive about almost all sexual desires. Now the only problem is that I'm so open-minded, I don't know what's ok to accept in my fantasy life and what isn't. Another example: someone mentioned Nazi/Jew role playing in a previous thread - that definitely goes over to the dark side, in my opinion, if one person is actually Jewish. Not condemning it, but what results from derogatory, anti-Semitic speech in a deeply vulnerable psychological state? What if the person "playing" the Nazi really believes what they're saying? Is it "acting" that makes everything ok, where genuineness makes it dangerous? Or am I off base here?



I'm jewish, & I've done things like that. But then, my morals sway.

Honestly, if it makes you happy, do it. If it stops making you happy, lol stop. I really think it's that simple.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/15/2010 8:32:14 AM   
xssve


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

There is that presumption: in the broader social sphere it's called Cultural Risk Theory, and it's partly based on magical thinking - i.e., transgression of the "rules" norms, mores, moral strictures, etc., will result in some sort of divine punishment, whereas in fact the danger is that the greater the reliance on these external forms of control is, the greater the risk that once transgressed, one is simply at sea: if everything you've been taught to value is suddenly devoid of value, you have nothing to replace it with: hypothetically, with no "moral compass" at all.

This is actually quite compelling. Despite my philosophical views, I've actually always been more prone to consider the functional purpose of religiosity, for instance, for this very sort of reason.

Although, the catch is that the ability to push one's boundaries, to be the personal pioneer and still be able to steer the ship, is variable from person to person. I suppose there is no sure-fire way to see how proportional the presence of the fear is with the likelihood of losing that moral compass, but I suppose the presence of the fear (and its intensity) in the first place is an initial inner alarm for a reason.

Yes, religion does have social purpose, social utility - roughly, it's a mnemonic linguistic device for the memorization and transmission of oral history - behavioral algorithms stripped down to their symbolic value, and passed on as myths, moral fables passed as binary mythemes - Sodom and Gomorrah - don't worship false idols, or god will punish you. That particular mytheme, originally concerned largely with idolatry and anti-social behavior (mistreatment of strangers, in a hostile environment), has been modified through oral tradition to reflect sexual deviation, which was incidental in the original.

Sexual "deviation" is here linked to the more cogent question of anti-social behavior, Cultural Risk Theory, i.e., sexual deviation results in anti-social behavior, thus homosexuality must lead to other forms of anti social behavior, pedophilia, etc. and this is a "threat" to the family.

It's all basically a set of irrational symbolism, and there is an element of self fulfilling prophecy here: if being gay, which is a social behavior, makes you a social outcast, you do, in some sense, have less to lose by engaging in the predicted anti-social behavior, rape, etc.

The empirical evidence is, this doesn't really happen,  it's more a factor of underlying individual traits, a sociopathic personality disorder, etc. that has nothing to do with being gay - clearly, these disorders are no respecters of sexual orientation, gay, straight, male, female, there is no correlation.

It must have served some other purpose of social utility, it seems to be linked to Calvinist theology, Calvin was locked in a power struggle with the Libertines, who retained a fairly sociopathic Roman philosophy of sexual sadism, essentially recognizing no boundaries - see De Sade.

It goes back and forth for a few centuries, doesn't really affect the "mainstream" values system per se, which lean towards less Roman, more Italian family values, Martin Luther, etc. but there is plenty of good old healthy pagan lechery to go around, it was likely the syphilis pandemic that caused the pendulum to swing towards the more erotophobic end of the curve.

Curiously, as a philosophy, Calvinist theology is pretty much the ultimate in Libertine philosophy, it provides an excuse, a theological rationalization, for the worst sort of excesses, sex, violence, economic opportunism, etc., which even the Libertines (atheists) never really defended as a good thing, other than the fact that they liked it.

Augustine was actually a little more concerned with violence than sex, I believe he mainly includes sex mostly as another example of "excessive passion", and among the Seven deadly, lust is merely a venial sin, whereas pride, I believe, is a mortal one.

A bit off track, but yes, the reaction formation can be quite visceral and intense.
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

Fortunately, many of these very "values" are actually the result of natural selection, they are written not in stone, but in our DNA, and the likelihood of abrogation effect occurring increases, ironically, to the extent deeply internalized external values systems have replaced basic mammalian behavioral instincts.

I'm not sure that the values themselves are so finely tuned, biologically, but rather the propensity to place value in a way that leads humans to the most common ends. A nurture vs. nature debate on this topic, though, wouldn't necessarily discount the fact that such value systems do get ingrained rather deeply over the course of a person's life...but that, more importantly, the ability to separate from the pack in order to make the individual desires prioritized may not be one that is entirely in our control
Well said, "values" are again, a linguistic social construct, but by and large, they do tend to reflect basic objective values that can be predicted by the application of evolutionary psychology - presumably, one might predict that fertility would be a fairly well established value as it is of great biological importance, and pre-Zoroastrian religions are about pretty much nothing but.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

And, all things being equal, even going off the deep end is just another variation on a theme - the big difference is that we also have economic values to consider that are just as critical to facilitate and optimize reproductive fitness, and if the behavior facilitates those, as it does to some extent under conditions of strict divisions of labor, then it's "good" and will optimize reproductive fitness - if it reduces reproductive fitness, then the behavior will not tend to be propagated, socially or genetically.

Dealing with the human species as a whole become so difficult biologically because self-reflective psychology mucks up the simpler cause-effect systems. Value, now, can be added at whim instead of just via the evolutionary preference to traits that facilitated what once were our base instincts and still are, to be fair). And, while I do yield to certain biological boundaries that make one person more likely than the next to capably be a social rebel, our ability to assign value I think puts us at greater responsibility for being able to direct our paths (otherwise, any kind of psychological therapy would be fruitless).

Again, you are correct, and to some extent, this reflects the transition from an oral tradition to a literary one: Judaism is notable in that it established a legalistic, literary basis for religion, the Rabbis become increasingly less like Shamans and more like Lawyers.

Of course, in this process, it means that the people who write these things down can interject their own arbitrary opinions - eat a bad oyster at a party, shellfish is out - at least until the Pope decides he isn't about to give up his Clam linguine - thus, Jesus pronounces all foods "clean" - it's all a matter of interpretation.

It allows all sort of arbitrary things to creep in that might have been streamlined or modified in an oral tradition - any good seafood chef know which ones to discard, and chances are, they were told about it by another chef, rather than reading it in a book - the really fascinating thing here is that bit of cooking lore may be there result of an oral tradition extending back to the neolithic era - if it's shell is open before you cook it, or stays closed after cooked, discard it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve

I hate to go all sciencey on it again, but that is the empirical breakdown.

No worries! It brought up an angle I hadn't yet considered.
One can never assume that because one lives in the age of reason, that everyone is rational.

< Message edited by xssve -- 1/15/2010 8:46:17 AM >

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RE: What's too far? - 1/15/2010 11:23:15 AM   
AnimusRex


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Ok, let me clarify further, since my fantasy didn't seem to shock anyone in the slightest :) and I think that the debate over what is healthy or not could use the information. My dad was very distant from me as a kid, and actually left when I was an adolescent. I haven't heard from him to this day. I have a tendency to choose to love people (both friends and boyfriends) who can't give me the love I want from them. So whether it's healthy to drill this need to be manipulated and used BECAUSE of my love for a man is actually really a concern to me.

Another final thought: all the men who are responding seem to be saying "go for it" (several tempered with very intelligent, thoughtful ways to go about it), while the women seem to be divided between "go for it if you want to" and "don't do it if it's going to cause damage." It's making me wonder if that's a coincidence or if it has something to do with gender. It could also have to do with being a Dom versus being a sub, since frankly, being the Dom in my fantasy is a hell of a lot easier, psychologically, the next day. Isn't it?


I don't find the gender imbalance odd at all. Is it really a coincidence that in most classic BDSM tales, the Dominants are exactly like you are describing? Cold, aloof, impassive. Sir Stephan takes O's love and worship stoically, even to the point of her branding herself (and in one version of the book, killing herself) all the while never professing his love for her.
This aspect of Dominance, being totally in control of one's own feelings and emotions is for many of us, the most satisfying aspect.

Sometimes I treat Kim impassively, taking her, using her (yes, we even use those words with each other- instead of "lovemaking" we call it "taking") and yet she knows that I love her deeply.

It isn't about alternating between the fucktoy and the lover; even when she is being used, with coldness to near brutality, she knows she is pleasing me, and that itself is a form of lovemaking. Just as her preparing my breakfast goes above a simple domestic act, to being a form of servitude and love. We don't see a dichotomy; her desires match mine.

joujoubee, I suspect that the dichotomy is in the men you meet, who can't see how treating a girl as a fucktoy precludes them from chatting about politics or philosophy with her afterwards

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RE: What's too far? - 1/15/2010 11:09:08 PM   
suspensionbitch


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the idea of being the sub of someone rich and powerful is a fantasy i have... i wouldn't call it unhealthy though.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/16/2010 7:00:01 AM   
xssve


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
And someone asked earlier (I'm sorry, I can't find it to quote it) if I was worried about what I thought about myself or what my previous Dom thought about me, in terms of respect. The answer is both, but what he thought about me was the problem. He actually believed - or at least told me he believed, even when it upset me on numerous occasions - that I was designed to be a fucktoy and that I should give up all the rest and just do that. He said that while I was most assuredly a very talented, smart young woman, my primary talent was being on my knees with my mouth open, and I owed it to myself to accept that. Of course I found this insanely hot while I was turned on, but when I wasn't, it just made me feel like I had to escape, and fast.


It's more of  a fantasy than a practicality these days - used to not be unusual for a woman to never leave the house except for shopping and so forth, barefoot and pregnant, etc., and nobody thought twice about it.

I happen to love a fucktoy, nothing like it - but I have stuff to do too, and I can't expect her to stay chained to the bed twiddling her thumbs till I have time to play with her.

It may well be her primary talent when she's on her knees with her mouth open, but seriously, when she isn't I fully expect she has other things to do.

There are people who get very upset when you call this roleplaying, but it is roleplaying in pretty much the same sense you play the role of parent, employee, citizen, etc., i.e., all those other roles you have to play, they are all, in some sense, the "real" you, it's more a matter that you are some people because you have to be, other "selves" you allow yourself to be for yourself or those you love.

Again, whether or not it's "damaging" depends on the person, and to what extent they are comfortable with that identity - push somebody too far and you can literally get a psychotic break - I don't think it actually happens all that much in BDSM, in fact over time I suspect most people become more self reliant and less easily disoriented, be it dom or sub, but on the general topic of "total role immersion", Andrea Yates and the Quiverfull movement is perhaps a cogent example of what can happen when somebody is relentlessly forced into a role they don't fully identify with.

Not BDSM, per se, but it shares the identity "reassignment" aspect we're discussing here.



< Message edited by xssve -- 1/16/2010 7:02:01 AM >

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RE: What's too far? - 1/16/2010 7:13:46 AM   
xssve


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I would love nothing better than to relentlessly thrust it upon her, but there is only so much time in the day. 

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RE: What's too far? - 1/16/2010 4:58:52 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB



Not gonna quote anything in  particular... I do understand what you've stated, so maybe this will help:

1)  Don't ever think YOUR "fantasies" are "bad"... trust me, whatever you can come up with, I assure you another can (and likely has) surpassed it by a mile!  In truth, being a "fucktoy" is pretty tame... so whether you're viewed as (and turned-on by) being a "fucktoy" or "pig" or even "toilet"; it is what it is.  You can struggle with it and mind-fuck yourself to death, or simply enjoy what gets your bits wet.  I choose the latter.

2)  As with anything in life... the key is BALANCE!!!  Again, you can be anything from a "fucktoy" to a "pig" to even a "toilet", as long as you're involved with someone you feel completely safe to explore these things with, and that you can YOURSELF with as well.  Thus, the BEST OF BOTH WORLDS.  Best analogy I can give is to think of it as a roller coaster ride... take all the twists, turns, ups, downs and so on as possible (knowing you're safe with someone you trust at the controls), and then coast in to the end of the ride (which you can ride over and over and over again ) and be YOURSELF.

I know there are some (on the Toppy side) that THINK they can maintain some "fucktoy" (or whatever) fantasy 24/7, but the REALITY is... "life" is ALWAYS gonna make its way in; whether you like it or not.  So, enjoy both... pick someone that enjoys the smart, funny, talented, or whatever girl you are, but who will also let you be (and turn you into) the dirty "fucktoy", "rape meat", "fuck slut" that makes your cunt gush.

The real issue here is NOT "what's too far", but WHO you choose to explore these things with... so choose wisely, Grasshopper!






Attachment (1)

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 1/16/2010 5:03:03 PM >


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RE: What's too far? - 1/17/2010 9:59:01 PM   
nyckinksub


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What's too far?
Well, as a male pain slut masochist who is looking to have his limits tested, expanded and then broken, I thought "too far" would be forced bi, brown showers and roman, and asphyxiation, among other things. Let's just say I'm looking for new, even sicker levels of "too far" now.


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RE: What's too far? - 1/18/2010 1:36:09 AM   
Ialdabaoth


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quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve
Sexual "deviation" is here linked to the more cogent question of anti-social behavior, Cultural Risk Theory, i.e., sexual deviation results in anti-social behavior, thus homosexuality must lead to other forms of anti social behavior, pedophilia, etc. and this is a "threat" to the family.

It's all basically a set of irrational symbolism, and there is an element of self fulfilling prophecy here: if being gay, which is a social behavior, makes you a social outcast, you do, in some sense, have less to lose by engaging in the predicted anti-social behavior, rape, etc.


Well. it's only "irrational" in the sense that observed behavior doesn't match interpreted behavior. I.e., if we as a culture decide that all homosexuals are pedophiles, and as a culture decide that we don't even need to see evidence of pedophilia, and as a culture decide to imagine their crimes, and then believe what we imagine as if we had actually witnessed it, then it doesn't matter if a gay person has never touched a child - we as a culture have manufactured a memory of them raping children that is just as "real" to us as if they actually had, and we as a culture can manufacture whatever evidence and behavior we need to to back up that manufactured memory, until there's no way to tell that it's manufactured.

Similarly, if we don't just ostracize the outcasts, but we pressure them and humiliate them and attempt to destroy them, we can channel them in such a way that the only mode of self-preservation left to them is further forms of deviant behavior, thus giving us further 'proof' of our idea that these forms of deviance are conflated.

For example, if we decide that all homosexuals are thieves, and therefore no one will hire a homosexual, it becomes far more likely that identified homosexuals are forced to steal in order to survive, thus justifying our initial assumption. Replace "homosexual" and "thief" with any other sets of identity and behavior and see what sticks - it's fascinating.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/18/2010 5:58:28 AM   
Delphinus


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quote:

ORIGINAL: itswhatyouwant

Honestly, if it makes you happy, do it. If it stops making you happy, lol stop. I really think it's that simple.



I agree.

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RE: What's too far? - 1/18/2010 7:52:48 AM   
xssve


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth


quote:

ORIGINAL: xssve
Sexual "deviation" is here linked to the more cogent question of anti-social behavior, Cultural Risk Theory, i.e., sexual deviation results in anti-social behavior, thus homosexuality must lead to other forms of anti social behavior, pedophilia, etc. and this is a "threat" to the family.

It's all basically a set of irrational symbolism, and there is an element of self fulfilling prophecy here: if being gay, which is a social behavior, makes you a social outcast, you do, in some sense, have less to lose by engaging in the predicted anti-social behavior, rape, etc.


Well. it's only "irrational" in the sense that observed behavior doesn't match interpreted behavior. I.e., if we as a culture decide that all homosexuals are pedophiles, and as a culture decide that we don't even need to see evidence of pedophilia, and as a culture decide to imagine their crimes, and then believe what we imagine as if we had actually witnessed it, then it doesn't matter if a gay person has never touched a child - we as a culture have manufactured a memory of them raping children that is just as "real" to us as if they actually had, and we as a culture can manufacture whatever evidence and behavior we need to to back up that manufactured memory, until there's no way to tell that it's manufactured.

Similarly, if we don't just ostracize the outcasts, but we pressure them and humiliate them and attempt to destroy them, we can channel them in such a way that the only mode of self-preservation left to them is further forms of deviant behavior, thus giving us further 'proof' of our idea that these forms of deviance are conflated.

For example, if we decide that all homosexuals are thieves, and therefore no one will hire a homosexual, it becomes far more likely that identified homosexuals are forced to steal in order to survive, thus justifying our initial assumption. Replace "homosexual" and "thief" with any other sets of identity and behavior and see what sticks - it's fascinating.
It does work that way, I believe I mentioned self fulfilling prophecy, and yes it happens to all kinds of minorities, often with particular intensity since they can't escape it, since you can't do anything about how you look, the color of your skin, etc.

It's a sad fact, but haters typically make a lot more noise, and it tends to create an effect disproportionate to their numbers, people jump on the bandwagon for fear of being hated on themselves, etc., and you get a false consensus - that is society acting irrationally, instead of finding out for themselves they just repeat what everybody else is saying.

The gay thing is odd, because up until the AIDS epidemic, it was pretty much taken for granted, and even in the midst of the epidemic, hard core homophobes often had to come to terms that this was happening to their children - most of the noise now is generated by the religious right for purely political reasons, mostly common cause, since they tend to disagree vehemently, often violently, with each other on just about every other subject.

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