Need advice on a rebellious boy (Full Version)

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redwoodgirl -> Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 1:32:37 PM)

Hi all, I hope everyone is doing well in the new year.
Id like a little advise, but first, some background.
Ive been with my honey for almost a year, and Ill brag and say he's pretty darn amazing.
Happy, helpfull, handsome, horny, everyhting you'd want in a boy :)
But lately he has been rebelling against EVERYTHING, his chores, his responsibilities, me, everything.
Hes become argumentative as well, he actually punched a hole in the wall a couple weeks ago.
We've recently moved, but we are still in the same town, so not removed from anything familiar.
When he is calm, and I talk to him, he tells me still wants to be my everything, but accepts little to no respnsibility
for either his attitue or his actions, but instead seems to lay blame everywhere else.

Its getting to the point where I am seriously thinking about dropping him, tho I do love him and want to help.
Anyone have any ideas?



LillyoftheVally -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 1:36:25 PM)

Does he accept that his behavior has been wrong?

I guess what I would do is tell him that enough, to make and effort and change or bog off



LadyEllen -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 1:41:10 PM)

Sounds to me like he is unhappy and frustrated at something in his life that he's not telling you.

E



Lockit -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 1:43:45 PM)

I might wish to understand what was going on with him... up to the point of hitting a wall. How long has this been going on?

You hit shit... even if it isn't me... you are history buddy... work out your problems on your own. I will not have that behavior in my home.

If I worked with him, it would be at a distance, I don't care what financial situation that created and he would be taking some anger managment or something that would help figure out what was going on. Whatever it is, it's serious.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:11:12 PM)

I know what his streesors are, but there really isnt anything that can be done about then at this time.
Ive told him I understand and will have patience, and i plan on keeping my word. But its becoming
very stressful for me, and Im having trouble thinking of thisgs for him to do that will help
him feel better and less stressed.



LadyPact -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:14:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I might wish to understand what was going on with him... up to the point of hitting a wall. How long has this been going on?

You hit shit... even if it isn't me... you are history buddy... work out your problems on your own. I will not have that behavior in my home.

If I worked with him, it would be at a distance, I don't care what financial situation that created and he would be taking some anger managment or something that would help figure out what was going on. Whatever it is, it's serious.

That.  Right there.

(I think Lockit and I often have similar views on these situations due to certain common experiences in our backgrounds.)



PrincessDonna -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:15:13 PM)

Look at what he does for a living and what his hobbys may be and  let me tell you i have sent subs to help build houses and repair them for low income people through  non profit agencies and even i'm amazed at the difference its made.I do agree that once the punching the wall thinng happened he would have to do something else until he could show me he had gotten control of himself.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:19:46 PM)

Being both swtiches, I admit Im new to being a full time top. I
wanted to punish him but I knew it wouldnt be any help in that particular moment.
Volunteer service is a very good idea tho thanks. I told him he would not
be allowed to top me in any way til we had this all figured out.
Today, he said he was going to take a walk and has been gone for five hours so far.
My patience is wearing thin, but I did make promises, so I thank you all
for and and all advice [:)]



Lockit -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:27:15 PM)

Redwoodgirl, of course you want to keep your word. You love him and want to stand by him and you are going to be stressed. It's all a part of things like this. That's where we get caught up and stuck. That love and loyalty to stand by someone who is in trouble. While I admire that and know the draw as I have lived it and known many who lived it, our commitment cannot be allowed to take us down with whoever it is that is becoming violent.

If what you have done so far... been loving, understanding and trying to find solutions, hasn't worked and you are out of solutions or answers... ADD, his deflecting and blaming other things... I doubt you are going to make any headway without intervention.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard or said... I tried everything, I just can't get through to him. You have to decide this for yourself, but take it from a woman who has been there to the point of self destruct almost... you cannot withstand someone else's emotional problems if they are taking you down. Will you wait for a change to the point of making yourself sick or maybe becoming that wall he hits?

Please think about this. Your word can only be kept if he is working on the issue and if he is in denial of the seriousness of it, he isn't working on it.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:31:41 PM)

Lockit, thank you, that was awsome. This has only begun within the last 2 weeks, and that is the reason
Im still struggling with my options. I cant tell if this is a temporary setback for him, or if it something
that will become as harsh as you spoke of. there really havent been enought signs and signals yet.....



Lockit -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:39:08 PM)

There really isn't a time frame in which things go bad. They can take years or days. That yet time... cost me a spine. The first time he touched me, he curved my spine. He never once hit me. Never, not even after I got out and he came to visit me and got inside before I could stop him. He would push me or throw me. That first time.. I was out of there, but he came to visit me later on a few times, while drunk because I left him. I had been married to him for years and not one sign of this stuff. It only takes one time.

It is best to do this yet time from a distance.

I am not only going on my own experience here. One could say I was jaded because of my own experience. I am going off years of working within domestic abuse and homelessness, issues of women and children as well.

If you must stick it out, I encourage you to have a back up plan, documents saved somewhere and a serious talk about hitting that wall and how he cannot, must not ever do anything like it again or you will leave and if he does it again... you leave. If there are any drugs or alcohol involved... or family history of abuse... I would suggest taking this very seriously.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:48:42 PM)

He has no questionable family history whatsoever, his parents and even grandparents sre still together and live all on the same street lol.
wayyyyy more stable than my family. He smokes and drinks a little, but not to excess. Theres just no talking to him about this tho.
Defensiveness, blame laying, redirecting, he has suddenly become a pro at all of it. Id like to tie him down and beat it out of him!



kiwisub12 -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 2:55:55 PM)

he is obviously not going to take responsibility for his behaviour - and since he is not fufilling his end of the bargin, then he needs to hit the door until(or if) he has a change of heart. It sounds to me that he wants you to throw him out, and he is too chickenshit to do it himself. And yes, i have been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour (not, thank god, in my current relationship).

You can't change his behaviour . The only thing you can do is go by what the two of you agreed to, and if part of the agreement is obeying you, then i would say that your commitment is broken. Sorry.



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:00:10 PM)

Im not sure that a couple of weeks is long enough for me to make a decision that big yet,
I havent found out what the root problem is yet,
*sigh*



LadyAngelika -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:06:08 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I might wish to understand what was going on with him... up to the point of hitting a wall. How long has this been going on?

You hit shit... even if it isn't me... you are history buddy... work out your problems on your own. I will not have that behavior in my home.

If I worked with him, it would be at a distance, I don't care what financial situation that created and he would be taking some anger managment or something that would help figure out what was going on. Whatever it is, it's serious.

That.  Right there.

(I think Lockit and I often have similar views on these situations due to certain common experiences in our backgrounds.)



I will echo this as well. I ended things with a boy once because he could not get his anger issues under control. And oh my stars I loved him, but I would not be the target for verbal, or any other, abuse.

If you stay in the dynamic, it ends up draining you completely and you lose your balance as well as your capacity to be effective.

- LA



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:07:01 PM)

Being a noob top, I can see how that could happen...



LadyAngelika -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:08:47 PM)

Are you referring to yourself as a "noob top"?

- LA



redwoodgirl -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:15:12 PM)

yep, that'd be me [:D]



Drifa -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:15:15 PM)

It sounds like he needs individual counseling for anger management and that the two of you need to find a kink-friendly counselor for couple's counseling.

If your finances are a limitation, call either your local hospital and ask for the social worker or your personal physician. Ask for referrals to mental health providers that do low cost or sliding scale work.

Punching holes in walls, aside from the fact that you can break a bunch of delicate bones in your hand, can all too easily turn to other inappropriate hitting. No adult should be so unable to control their temper that they are doing stuff like this, and if they are, they need to learn to rein it in pronto.



Lockit -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/10/2010 3:16:49 PM)

It can happen to anyone. Hell, it could happen to me again if I were not very careful or tricked and it has nothing to do with being dominant, new or old or anything else.

I can understand that after two weeks you are not ready to decide anything, but look at it this way. Two weeks into it and you are stressed. If it continues think about a month from now or six months or years. You can start getting used to the stress as it starts to become normal to you, but the stress still has it's will upon you and your life.

Understanding his problem or the root is very nice, but I don't feel that that will help you. He must understand the problem and he can't while denying it or blaming other things. You cannot fix him. It would be wonderful if we could fix people, but we cannot. We can encourage them and support them, but we cannot fix them. I know you wish you could and you may think that love is enough, but when it gets to the point it is now and when it comes so quickly, you best be on your toes.

Pick your times to discuss this well. If he comes home drunk or is sitting having a beer... it isn't the time. If he refuses to talk about it... what can you do? You can be true to yourself first and protect yourself. If it continues you will leave when it is more painful to stay... but if there are anymore signs of a violent temper and uncontrolled temper... you need to decide before something is decided for you. You could be one of the lucky one's that are safe somehow or aren't wounded like I was... but do you really want to play those odds?



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