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LafayetteLady -> RE: Need advice on a rebellious boy (1/11/2010 2:21:33 PM)
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redwood,
I did not know (as others who know you better might have) that there were children in the house. It can change things a great deal. Even if they weren't there when he had his fit and punched the whole in the wall, they likely have seen the hole. Not a good thing.
As many others have said, two weeks is a pretty short period of time. The reality is that if this has all happened in just two weeks and everything prior has been "peachy keen" a doctor isn't going to diagnose him with clinical depression. Kevin is not in the US, but we all know that here, if you aren't married to the guy, you wouldn't be able to have him committed even if it was necessary and even suggesting such is a bit far fetched to say the least.
The wise LadyEllen is so right about the way men and women think and process things. While him writing a journal could be a great idea for him to sort through his thoughts, what I have done in the past when my partner (who is really not the "let's discuss it type) has frustrated me beyond belief (and over 14 years, there have been some times when it was rough), I would write HIM a letter. It gave me the opportunity to clearly tell him what I wanted him to know, gave him the ability to process the problems at his pace without the feeling that I'm standing there waiting for an answer.
Sometimes when we are going through "stuff," seemingly more often for guys, the last thing they want is someone talking at them. That is typically how they view it, you aren't talking to him, but at him. As Lockit said, this is not the time for dynamics. You are in a relationship and building a family above all else.
Personally, if I were to write him a letter (being you), I would tell him that you are concerned about the sudden "shut down" that is so unlike him. I would tell him that you understand he might need to work through whatever he is going through on his own without your assistance. I would also make very clear that while you are willing to give him the time to work through things on his own, that doesn't relieve him of the responsibilities he has with your family, most importantly that he has a responsibility to not release his frustration in a violent way. I would also remind him that while you might be ok with temporarily picking up some of the slack as far as household chores go, he can't just ignore those responsibilities.
Does he have a gym membership? Or perhaps you have somewhere in your house to put a heavy bag that he can punch to his heart's content? Does your new place have a fireplace? My son has anger issues and getting him out there chopping wood was very helpful. Others have suggested things like Habitat for Humanity which is great, but does the time exist (although from what you are saying, it seems he has a great deal of time on his hands).
The point is that if you tell him all this in a letter (that you perhaps give him before you leave for work), and then leave him the time to digest and process things, he might be in a better frame of mind for doing something about it. Sometimes our level of frustration in life can make it a bit difficult to see how much our behavior is concerning our loved ones. Some people respond well to a "virtual" smack up side the head with your best Olivia Dukakis in Moonstruck impression of "Snap out of it!" Others need a more subtle approach. Writing him a letter that isn't a rambling list of complaints, but a thoughtful, caring expression of how concerned you are and how much his behavior is hurting the family might be a good first step.
In any case, you do need to very clearly let him know that while he is working whatever is bugging him out in his head, all violence is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.
Good Luck.
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