Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side?

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LadyAngelika -> Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/20/2010 9:42:08 PM)
Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? Here is my dilemna. When I wasn't into being into a serious relationship, I never showed my vulnerability. I hid it behind a cold front and it all worked out fine. A male sub friend of mine who got to know me well told me that I should not hide my vulnerable side because it is what lets a man feel that I can be with more than just a chick with a whip to him. I agree with him. I'm interested in something a little deeper and I know that in order to have an authentic female-led relationship, I will have to let my vulnerability show. The thing is, I'm starting to realise that when it comes to letting my vulnerability show timing is everything. Lately, when I meet men, they seem to be taken aback because I don't have a cold front up, but rather am trying to be my authentic self, a kind, sweet and polite woman. I happen to be very girly, soft blonde hair, blue eyes. I have a soft voice, soft moves, soft smile. Recently, I've been called anything from adorable Domme to too cute to be a Domme. Now this feedback I've gotten is that this has been confusing. I've never experienced this before. I wonder if they would think I'm so "cute and adorable" if they saw me in Sadistic Domme space or when I become very set in my ways when I want something done... So the question is, am I showing my vulnerability too soon? Should I put the wall back up and slowly let it down? I don't like that prospect too much as I'm not allowing myself to be my authentic self. - LA

sexyred1 -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/20/2010 9:47:46 PM)
Hi LadyAngelika, I am not a Domme, but I am a woman so I thought I would add some thoughts here. That is a very interesting question and it also applies to any type of relationship. To me, it is not about showing vulnerability; we all, men and women are vulnerable. It is more about showing your authentic self. If you are more of an emotional type than a person who hides their emotions, then that is your authentic self. If you are all soft and girly and cry over Kodak commercials, then that is who you are. I believe in being exactly who I am. Before I am a sub, I am a woman and a strong one at that. I prefer to lead with my real personality because I could never put up a front and that would be counterproductive. I can see how in your situation, it might be more challenging because you want to establish your Dominant persona as well. But I think any man who really wants to get to know you, will be happy to meet your authentic self, vulnerable or not and realize that vulnerability and the ability to be Dominant is not mutually exclusive.

AAkasha -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/20/2010 10:03:58 PM)
A very interesting question...and I think a lot of femdoms get that: the "Wow, you are too nice to be a domina," or "I thought you would be meaner" or "You don't seem very sadistic." I don't think that I portray myself as "vulnerable" so much as just authentic. I am really much more "woman" than I am "sadist." I also have a personality that is easy going, humorous, spontaneous, warm, affectionate. Sometimes men have a tough time reconciling that this same package includes a sadist. But I don't just put on a show for them - or feel threatened, or like I have something to prove. Most of all, they have to enjoy ME as a person, after all, before any chemistry may exist that allows them to see ME, as a femdom. My femdom side is connected to affection and lust - so unless I feel that toward a man, he doesn't get to see "the sadist." If anything, I think I used to often get a nice chuckle inside if a man that I was 'developing affection for' said he didn't think I seemed cruel - so long as this wasn't a "bummer" kind of response, or a pout, or a really off-putting "challenge" -- those always fell flat to me. If he was just unsuspecting, it's almost as if my femdom juices really got flowing. Because when I do get to that point with a man, when I can be my inner sadist, nothing makes him feel more unguarded, unsure, nervous, uneasy than when he looks at me and realizes he doesn't know quite what he's dealing with. That kind of creates a fun sort of fear. I like hearing, afterwards, "Wow. I didn't think you were capable of that," and "Whoa. I was a little scared there - you weren't the same person, kind of." The fact that I have the capacity to be so cruel has an effect on some men that makes them feel especially unsure and more vulnerable, because they are not sure of what I am capable of and who I am - for those moments. I tend to have MORE trouble dealing with vulnerability after I "go full sadist" on a man and then have to allow him to see me feel that intense kind of guilt/reconciliation I go through when I realize, myself, what I enjoyed doing to him. That's the rollercoaster for me. Akasha

ourmsbetty -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/20/2010 10:21:47 PM)
I can definitely relate to that. I am forever being told that I look entirely too soft, sweet, delicate (side note here I am 5 ft 8 and nearly 200 pounds so I don't understand that last one at all) etc to be "mean". I have found the best answer is to smile and tell them it's a front to lull them into a false sense of security. What has worked well for me over the years is to be warm but also a bit firm up front, showing just enough tooth to suggest they really, really want to stay on the warm side. Usually I do this by casually working some behavior I observe in general society that I find less than acceptable into the conversation. As for vulnerability, I show it when something makes me feel vulnerable. I suspect what a man is most interested in is that a woman honestly show her feelings rather than what those feelings are. Though I admit learning to let my natural reactions out took some doing. Ms. Betty

Lockit -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/20/2010 10:24:50 PM)
I hear the same thing all the time. I will always be who I am and although I do believe it cost's me in current company... I must be okay with that and I am, except for in a moment when some guy is saying... I want the fantasy domina! I have been pushed, prodded and told I don't know what I am doing because I wasn't instant domina within a week or swinging a whip and all sexual light's on go within their time frame. Well... that shuts this domina down and they could have been this ---- close to gettin it. I have found that waiting... brings out some real interesting comments, topping, manipulation, further hunting on their part and the like. Now... I have seen the same men go to a dominant who will play casually and there is instant connection. I get labled and dissed and then wow... a couple months later... they realize what I did without giving into the guy. Sure, she got some play I didn't get... sure she got the semblance of something... but what she got was used, thinking she was in charge. There are other dominant's I talk to who do play more casually and have told me to step up my game, don't expect too much and let things evolve and I do believe there is some truth to that... but there is something inside me that just won't allow me to go there. I think about it. But that's as far as I have gotten. My gut... me deep inside tells me that there is someone out there that will see me, want me... not just for some happy moments, but for longer and for real. I have had vanilla's wait up to four years to date me before they finally realized what I said all along... I wasn't interested in them in that way. If they can wait... surely someone I would be interested in, can wait a few months while I figure out what they are about. Back and forth I go. I see other's who evolved and it works out okay, but I just can't play to play because for me it is sensual and I just don't want to go there with just anyone. I want it to be raw and good and soft and gentle and tough and hard... I want it all and a week end fling every once in a while feels far too much like a bdsm bootie call. That is vulnerablity. I will show who I am and tell them about myself and keep doors open and then find that they lied or only wanted that play time with me. That is vulnerablity. Will I close the doors? No... I cannot and still be me... but the door does get a bit harder to open because it is heavier to move. That is vulnerablity. So no matter what, I am vulnerable because I am a woman with a heart and a desire for more and how ever it works... I will be vulnerable. They can call me whatever they like... but it is my way or no way and if I don't get to play... that's okay because it wouldn't have been worth it in the first place. I am not a week end drop in center for the flavor of the month or six month period. And it gets damn lonely sometimes... and that is vulnerablity... but it is still my choice and I will be vulnerable and waiting for the right one or two and a foundation I can respect and be respected within. And then the vulnerablity that really means something will be right in the middle of hopefully something wonderful and lasting. And if not... well I will just have to be okay with that because it is how I decided it had to be. I don't have to have an instant commitment and a lifetime one, to get involved... but it cannot be just a bootie call bdsm style.

Lockit -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/20/2010 11:05:08 PM)
To explain my post above... I see the two things going hand and hand. The too nice, too soft, too kind, too cute, too giggly and too polite... feeds into the same fantasy line as those who believe that play and easy instant domina is how it works. Those who have expected quick dominant action also wanted a barking out orders dominant. There are some out there... but it isn't realistic to me and isn't who I am.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 12:14:46 AM)
Great post, Lockit! [:D] OP: What you shouldn't hide is your humanity. Don't be a cardboard Domme. Be who you are. Those who are expecting a stereotypical Domme have been watching to much porn. The way to attract a partner who wants the real you, is to show the real you. So yes, you're on the right track by just being yourself, and your sub friend is right. It is difficult to trust, and its scary to put yourself out there. You might get hurt. But you want your partner to give you his authentic self, and you won't be loved for who you really are, unless you can do the same. Its worth the effort, and its worth the risk. Kudos to you, for being brave! Explore, and have fun! [:)]

chamberqueen -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 4:28:23 AM)
I think that the most important thing is to be yourself. In my mind there is a difference between truly living a role and forcing yourself into one. For instance, it comes naturally to me to teach, so I am always teaching my subs. I would be denying my true self if I didn't. I don't put on the "teacher hat" but slide into it naturally. The same could be said about seeming vulnerability. I think that female domination is often even more powerful when it is coming from an unexpected source, such as a shorter woman or one who is extremely feminine. I was sometimes accused of not being vulnerable enough because I chose not to share my problems with my subs, so I experimented with opening up more to them - especially if I wasn't feeling well - and found that they enjoyed "coming to the rescue" as much as the domination. Just do what is within your comfort zone and don't let the judgments of others get to you.

Lashra -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 4:30:14 AM)
quote: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? Whenever I feel the need to, after all I am a human being and if s/he cannot understand that then, I doubt I would want to be with them. ~Lashra

LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 4:58:43 AM)
What absolutely fabulous responses to date Ladies. Thank you, honestly, this is already helping. But of course, I have more questions! Isn't that always the case? Oh and I forgot to add that perspectives other than the Dominas are more than welcome! :-) quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 But I think any man who really wants to get to know you, will be happy to meet your authentic self, vulnerable or not and realize that vulnerability and the ability to be Dominant is not mutually exclusive. Indeed. And thanks for chiming in :-) quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha A very interesting question...and I think a lot of femdoms get that: the "Wow, you are too nice to be a domina," or "I thought you would be meaner" or "You don't seem very sadistic." Well that's reassuring! I just never really had it a lot before now. But as I said, I used to put up a more strong Domme (read: cold) front before. quote: I don't think that I portray myself as "vulnerable" so much as just authentic. For me, I think my authentic self is actually vulnerable. Another question I could ask my self is "Is vulnerability necessarily always a weakness?" quote: Most of all, they have to enjoy ME as a person, after all, before any chemistry may exist that allows them to see ME, as a femdom. My femdom side is connected to affection and lust - so unless I feel that toward a man, he doesn't get to see "the sadist." Exactly the same for me. It's a demonstration of my affection, as twisted as this may be. quote: I tend to have MORE trouble dealing with vulnerability after I "go full sadist" on a man and then have to allow him to see me feel that intense kind of guilt/reconciliation I go through when I realize, myself, what I enjoyed doing to him. That's the rollercoaster for me. I have experienced this as well. But I find if I go slow and get to know him, this is less likely to happen because I trust him. Oddly enough, sometimes I feel at my most vulnerable when I'm being sadistic as I'm letting someone take a peek into my taboo psyche. quote: ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty I have found the best answer is to smile and tell them it's a front to lull them into a false sense of security. You evil woman you! Actually that is a little game I play with vanilla men ;-) quote: What has worked well for me over the years is to be warm but also a bit firm up front, showing just enough tooth to suggest they really, really want to stay on the warm side. Usually I do this by casually working some behavior I observe in general society that I find less than acceptable into the conversation. Could you give me an example please? quote: As for vulnerability, I show it when something makes me feel vulnerable. I suspect what a man is most interested in is that a woman honestly show her feelings rather than what those feelings are. Though I admit learning to let my natural reactions out took some doing. You're telling me. It's almost counter intuitive and in all honesty, the recent experiences make me want to go back to my old ways. But I'm fighting it! (On a side note - Happy to see you posting Ms. Betty) quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit I hear the same thing all the time. I will always be who I am and although I do believe it cost's me in current company... I must be okay with that and I am, except for in a moment when some guy is saying... I want the fantasy domina! I have been pushed, prodded and told I don't know what I am doing because I wasn't instant domina within a week or swinging a whip and all sexual light's on go within their time frame. Well... that shuts this domina down and they could have been this ---- close to gettin it. I have found that waiting... brings out some real interesting comments, topping, manipulation, further hunting on their part and the like. Yeah, I'm like you that way. At least I have become this way over time. There was a time in my late 20s, early 30s when I was single and I wasn't so concerned with commitments and was just looking to explore my Dominant/Sadistic side. I guess at that time, the "using" was mutually beneficial. But now, there has to be something more... quote: I see the two things going hand and hand. The too nice, too soft, too kind, too cute, too giggly and too polite... feeds into the same fantasy line as those who believe that play and easy instant domina is how it works. Could you explain this one a little bit more please? quote: Those who have expected quick dominant action also wanted a barking out orders dominant. There are some out there... but it isn't realistic to me and isn't who I am. Me neither. I never bark out orders. Which doesn't mean that in a relationship, I can not get stern. I've always said that there are as many Domina styles as there are management styles. I'm not a micromanager. I tend to be a bit more democratic, but will be autocratic when things aren't moving along the way I feel I need to. I also start off with a permissive approach (a goal has been set and he figures out how he is going to do it) but get directive when I see again, that things aren't moving forward. I find this works best in as much in a female-led relationship as it does when I'm managing in business. quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming OP: What you shouldn't hide is your humanity. Don't be a cardboard Domme. Be who you are. Oh even when I had a cold front on, I wasn't being a cardboard Domme. It was just that I was only showing one side of me. I'm just trying to reconcile all my facets and present them earlier on as I find it is a more honest way of being, and ultimately, with the right man, will inspire much more trust, passion, closeness, etc. quote: It is difficult to trust, and its scary to put yourself out there. You might get hurt. But you want your partner to give you his authentic self, and you won't be loved for who you really are, unless you can do the same. I guess part of it is getting hurt, but I'm not sure that's the key motivator. I think it's about setting the tone that I want. quote: ORIGINAL: chamberqueen For instance, it comes naturally to me to teach, so I am always teaching my subs. I would be denying my true self if I didn't. I don't put on the "teacher hat" but slide into it naturally. Same for me. quote: I think that female domination is often even more powerful when it is coming from an unexpected source, such as a shorter woman or one who is extremely feminine. Interesting. I wonder what the boys here have to say about this. I'm not contesting it, I'm just curious. Maybe there's something to the "adorable Domme" ;-) quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra Whenever I feel the need to, after all I am a human being and if s/he cannot understand that then, I doubt I would want to be with them. Well said. - LA

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 5:01:53 AM)
You might be interested in my thoughts. But before i share them, You need to understand: When i meet and date a Domina in real life, internally, i am evaluating You as a potential long term partner. So what appeals to me, might be different than some of the men You meet. It is just that i am savvy enough to realize, You are a Woman as well as a Domina. And i know that if it turns out the magic is there, i might just be spending the rest of my life with You. (High hopes, low expectations here ... LOL) So because i am evaluating You as a potential long term partner ... i see You in a light that is far more encompassing than a "cold front" or a "chick with a whip". (Although both persona's can make for some great lovemaking. And i do see play between two really attracted people as lovemaking. <smiles>) Truthfully, vulnerability has a powerful appeal to my heart. And vulnerability plays on my heart strings like a bow playing on a violin! It appeals to some aspect of my masculinity ... perhaps screaming a pre-historic evolutionary message of wife, children, home, hearth ... that is moving. Of course there is more than just vulnerability in the all encompassing You. There are all of the little things that make You who You are. And these are ALL things one looks at, when he looks as You as a potential long term partner. You have many aspects to Your personality ... and i want to know them all ... then i can really trust ... when that sadist in You comes out! <big smiles> Yes, i read Your profile before posting .... LOL That said, i would postulate, that what appeals to a man depends upon what he really has going on in his mind. In my case, it is the LTR potential ... and the all encompassing You. But when i was less experienced ... or looking for a booty call ... the cold front or chick with a whip persona ... was all i was interested in. And if i did not see it ... i said there is no chemistry. But that too ... was a reflection of what i really had in mind. i will likely have more to say later ... but i wanted to put something up ... quick! <smiles>

LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 5:12:18 AM)
quote: When i meet and date a Domina in real life, internally, i am evaluating You as a potential long term partner. So what appeals to me, might be different than some of the men You meet. It is just that i am savvy enough to realize, You are a Woman as well as a Domina. That's probably the key. But I'm wondering if timing could make things work better, you know, all that first impression stuff? And thanks for your post, it really made me smile :-) - LA

CaringandReal -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 5:14:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika Lately, when I meet men, they seem to be taken aback because I don't have a cold front up, but rather am trying to be my authentic self, a kind, sweet and polite woman. I happen to be very girly, soft blonde hair, blue eyes. I have a soft voice, soft moves, soft smile. Recently, I've been called anything from adorable Domme to too cute to be a Domme. So the question is, am I showing my vulnerability too soon? Should I put the wall back up and slowly let it down? I don't like that prospect too much as I'm not allowing myself to be my authentic self. I think you should keep doing what you are doing, as it feels normal and natural, but maybe with one small change, if it also feels natural to do it. Let a little bit of your sadistic side show, brief little peeps (or maybe just one comment in an evening), during a "get to know you" conversation. It will give a submissive a thrill to see that, plus in a sense it's more realistic than not showing it, I assume. Is that correct? Just tossing a sadistic remark in, during idle conversation, when you feel it and then immediately going back to how you normally interact with people will intrigue, frighten a little, fascinate, put a submissive off-guard. It also reassures a person who is looking for someone hardcore that there is a hard core in you, you're just choosing not to show it at this time for your own reasons. Also, it's possible that the way submissives respond to that peek into your other side will tell you some useful things about them.

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 5:30:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika Lately, when I meet men, they seem to be taken aback because I don't have a cold front up, but rather am trying to be my authentic self, a kind, sweet and polite woman. I happen to be very girly, soft blonde hair, blue eyes. I have a soft voice, soft moves, soft smile. Recently, I've been called anything from adorable Domme to too cute to be a Domme. I get an awful lot of that too-it doesn't help that I still look young enough to buy child travel tickets! The best reaction I've found is to stop smiling for a few seconds and say 'if you say so' or something along those lines. Plus, so what if they think you're cute? Once you get into Sadistic Domina mode they will stand corrected-is it necessarily a bad thing that when you're in that mode they know that you aren't like that all the time? quote: So the question is, am I showing my vulnerability too soon? Should I put the wall back up and slowly let it down? I don't like that prospect too much as I'm not allowing myself to be my authentic self. My policy has always been that if they aren't attracted to the giggly soft side of me then they aren't right for me. If you put up a wall then you are only showing him half of the person you are; how are you going to make a judgement together about your compatibility if there is a whole part of you he's never seen?

Lucienne -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 6:43:56 AM)
I show my vulnerable side about once a decade. And I do it like a good bitch, lying on my back, exposing my belly and throat. :) I'm kind of confused by the OP. Probably because I don't associate a sweet and soft demeanor with vulnerability. I assume you don't actually feel vulnerable carrying yourself about in your normal manner - that your kindness comes from a place of strength, not fear. So I'd agree with others that you shouldn't put up a false front to appease the expectations created by stereotypes. A good match for you will either already understand that not all dominas bark, or he'll be open to learning that.

PeonForHer -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 7:37:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming The way to attract a partner who wants the real you, is to show the real you. That needs to be etched above people's computer screens. ;-)

MsHValentine -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 7:57:47 AM)
I wouldn't over think it. All that matters is you behave in a way that's true to you. Authenticity is always better. If you're uncomfortable letting your guard down, then don't. Is there a need to show all aspects of you in the beginning anyway? People who stereotype power change relationships assume the dominant one isn't supposed to be affable and polite. On a few occasions I've been told by an ignorant person I'm too sweet to be a Mistress. I've also been told I'm too sweet to be sadistic, but sadism in this lifestyle is just play sadism and you can be the sweetest, most caring person and still call yourself a sadist. As far as wanting something done your way, why can't that be adorable!

Andalusite -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 8:12:59 AM)
The only people I've gotten that "oh, you're too sweet/cute/feminine/delicate to be sadistic/dominant" silliness from were a couple of Dominant men who for some reason had difficulty believing I was a switch, even though I was very up-front about it in my profile, back when I was looking. After talking about that side of things with them for a few minutes, they were completely convinced. [;)]

LaTigresse -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 8:39:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lashra quote: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? Whenever I feel the need to, after all I am a human being and if s/he cannot understand that then, I doubt I would want to be with them. ~Lashra I think this says it for me. I am not playing some role. I am me all the time. If I am sick, I am going to appear more vulnerable to whomever happens to be around me. Similarly if I am going through something that is very emotionally draining. My personal way of coping has always been to withdraw into myself but if a person knows me well and is observant enough, they can pick up on it. I rarely cry, I never lose control and freak out. Your not going to see me on the news screaming "Oh my god!! Oh my god!!!!!!!!!....." No matter what happens. But that is just my nature. Not something I change for an audience. If a person should see me with my grands or my furry babies, they will see the gentle loving aspect of my personality. It's not something I will hide based upon who is around. I just live my life and don't really give a damn about others perceptions.

LadyPact -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 8:48:22 AM)
In all fairness, I think I'm reading the original and having a much different take on it than most. I'm very hung up on the word vulnerable in the original and to Me, that is something a bit different than what many have expressed in reply. I don't associate being our whole selves as Dominant women equating vulnerability. Like many who have responded here, I've often received that quizzical look on someone's face, the 'sweet little you' reaction when I've told them that I was a Dominant, and better yet a sadist, and they are hearing this information for the first time. The heartless, cold bitch stereotype so prevalent in porn isn't who most of us really are. I tend to think most of us would be so much better off if we kicked that whole fantasy concept out of the gate and were just ourselves from the beginning. Even as Dominant women, we somehow get the idea that this or that is the image that we're supposed to be. I admit that I had that preconceived notion Myself years ago when I had My first slave and I can't tell you how happy I was when I chucked that whole nonsense and decided I was just going to be Myself. To Me, this is something different than being vulnerable. In saying this, I'm going with the literal definition of the word. Susceptible to being wounded or hurt. In that context, no, someone just entering My life doesn't have that ability over Me. That only is a condition that exists once a relationship has started to form. As was even said in the original, 'timing is everything' and to Me, it has everything to do with time. The time you invest in someone else as you build trust with them. As trust builds in time, I can be more secure in exposing My vulnerabilities. This in turn, deepens the bond that I have with that person. In My opinion, that just makes it all the better when it happens.

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