RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side?

RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (Full Version)

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LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 6:12:09 PM)
quote: If, however, you need more than that and want to get to know the person on a level that goes beyond just kink, then letting them see your vulnerable side is important. In fact, you should make sure they see it. If you want to get to know them, you're going to want them to get to know you, too. All of you. I agree. I'm just trying to get the right balance and timing :-) Thanks for chiming in. Your story was so cute, and sound like something I'd do! - LA

gentlemanprince -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 8:48:37 PM)
As a submissive male, I'm often frustrated when a Domme will not share with me her feelings. (I'm not talking about her enjoyment in dominating, but the natural uncertainties and feelings that go with being a human being.) I'm not sure why they hold those back. Perhaps they think that sharing them will undermine their position as dominants. I need to be emotionally close, yet it's hard for me to open up when she will not. Perhaps the Dommes hear can explain things. Are you reluctant to share your feelings with a man and, if so, why?

LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 8:52:22 PM)
quote: Perhaps the Dommes hear can explain things. Are you reluctant to share your feelings with a man and, if so, why? Read all the OP and all the posts by Dommes here (specifically the first 10) and you will understand why. And for the record, it is great that you see this the way you do. - LA

LadyPact -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 9:01:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince Perhaps the Dommes hear can explain things. Are you reluctant to share your feelings with a man and, if so, why? In My case, it's not that I'm reluctant to share My feelings. It's that I am most likely to do so only in cases where I am bonded with another person and that takes time for Me. Such a thing with Me comes in steps. Exposure, reassurance, confirmation, and then the cycle starts over again. For Me, vulnerability really does go hand in hand with trust.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 9:06:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince As a submissive male, I'm often frustrated when a Domme will not share with me her feelings. (I'm not talking about her enjoyment in dominating, but the natural uncertainties and feelings that go with being a human being.) I'm not sure why they hold those back. Perhaps they think that sharing them will undermine their position as dominants. I need to be emotionally close, yet it's hard for me to open up when she will not. Perhaps the Dommes hear can explain things. Are you reluctant to share your feelings with a man and, if so, why? Cynicism alert! Well, not truly cynicism, but my own experience with submissive men. I have yet to have a FRIENDSHIP with a submissive man. I have been their friend and confidante, mentor, all those things, but the friendship does not come back to me in the same way. (and I have had deep and abiding friendships with vanilla men) I am always the DOMINANT first, and a person second, always objectified to some degree, and I feel that any interest in ME is really sycophancy. So, I hold back, and offer myself up in small doses. As long as HE is happy... he has not noticed. My current sub gets many bonus points for being HONEST about being shallow! That doesn't paint a super cheery image of submissive men, or men generally... but there you have it. Just as soon as a submissive male approaches me as a man approaches a woman, as a PERSON first, not a life support system for his fetishes, then I will think about being all touchy-feely. I am not holding my breath. I have been badly burned for my lapses, and will not forget them soon.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 9:09:59 PM)
quote: Just as soon as a submissive male approaches me as a man approaches a woman, as a PERSON first, not a life support system for his fetishes, then I will think about being all touchy-feely. I am not holding my breath. I have been badly burned for my lapses, and will not forget them soon. I hope you get to experience this. It is truly wonderful :-) - LA

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 9:12:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: Just as soon as a submissive male approaches me as a man approaches a woman, as a PERSON first, not a life support system for his fetishes, then I will think about being all touchy-feely. I am not holding my breath. I have been badly burned for my lapses, and will not forget them soon. I hope you get to experience this. It is truly wonderful :-) - LA I thought I did a time or two, but reality set in.

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 10:13:06 PM)
quote: Funny, see I like to train a man to take care of this for me, to get us a table ;-) Ok, I do show signs of being a leader early on. It's not like I hide them. In fact, I get mixed messages such as "are you sure you don't have a submissive side?" and "I find you're pretty set in your ways" in like the same paragraph. So the message I'm getting is "I wish you looked more mean and weren't so set in your ways and cater to my fantasies." Ha!! Sorry, i missed the point. i thought i was giving You a devastating technique ... for disarming a well prepared man on the first meet. Oh well ... this is what happens when i read a little too much into the discussion boards ... And my apologies to Ms. Shallowdeep, too. This mail was intended for Lady A ... i just pointed and clicked ... like a man with a TV ... LOL ... and Your name got stuck in the reply to ... Please do understand ... You know how we are with the remote ... <smiles>

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/21/2010 11:29:09 PM)
Lady A ... please forgive my uneducated response ... sorry i brought it up ... You are most intelligent, gifted, charming and considerate ... and i never intended to offend You in any way! Please forgive me ....

LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 4:52:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo Lady A ... please forgive my uneducated response ... sorry i brought it up ... You are most intelligent, gifted, charming and considerate ... and i never intended to offend You in any way! Please forgive me .... You didn't offend me, so there is nothing to worry about :-) - LA

Lockit -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 8:39:07 AM)
<<<< Thinks LA should just smack him silly using a man with a remote as an excuse! hehe (hehe is my evil joking... just for those who don't know me.) Actually Seeking brings up a good point... I think. I don't want to assume what he meant, but it does bring something to the thread here. When he says maybe you should show some sign of dominance early on... What he means by this could in part help us understand what LA was addressing in the original post. I think it all plays into it all. The concept of a woman being too nice to fit an image of a dominant can be put off as I have put it off as a fantasy or quick to play, without my further explainations on how I come to that conclusion. In all honesty it isn't that I am trying to be fair to someone who has misconceptions and doesn't wish to change them... it is for those who are really confused or for those who are pretty together in their view of a dominant woman who just might need to see a bit of what a dominant is all about to see if they wish to go further. There are two sides of this that I can see... although I have my pretty firm opinions. lol I do think some good guys can get caught in that. Maybe we could explore that a bit. Not the true fantasy guy imposing his will or view of what a dominant should be... but the guys who are standing on good solid ground. They may get confused and must have some way to know if this woman can really be what he might need in a relationship or agreement to play. I say that with my strong words or how I want it to be, they should know, but I am open to learn a thing or two here and maybe there is another position I could look at. What exactly would a man see or think here? In person it may be one thing but we are online and many from here do get involved... so how does this play out?

LadyAngelika -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 3:31:21 PM)
quote: They may get confused and must have some way to know if this woman can really be what he might need in a relationship or agreement to play. I definitely always give off some of that. There is always a little something that I do early on to let them know, subtle, either when we chat here, when we chat on the phone or when we meet in person. Of course, the most subtle is the in person meeting as we are in public. One guy looked at me once and said "you don't look so dommely" and laughed. I just leaned in, gracefully grabbed his tie and pulled him to me and whispered in his ear "in public, I am a Lady, always. Remember that. Now go get us Grey Goose Martinis, very dry, 3 olives" and then straightened out his tie and winked. Yeah, little hints are useful. - LA

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 6:23:59 PM)
Good evening Ladies ... and thank You Ms. Lockit for bailing me out here. <smiles> Let me first clarify the scenario i was envisioning ... when i wrote earlier. You are meeting a man in person for the first time. The two of You have already exchanged many emails, talked on the phone, and so on. Basically, he has been vetted and appears to be someone with potential. You have made a first date. A first meeting, a blind date. Say a nice restaurant for dinner. There is no intention or expectation of playing after ... rather this is a first date ... for what You both hope will be many more to come. You are, say quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika trying to be my authentic self, a kind, sweet and polite woman. I happen to be very girly, soft blonde hair, blue eyes. I have a soft voice, soft moves, soft smile. Recently, I've been called anything from adorable Domme to too cute to be a Domme. What i am trying to say, is that it is wonderful to be Yourself. And You should be Yourself. Especially when both parties quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika are interested in something a little deeper ... an authentic female-led relationship Nonetheless You might be a bit thinking quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika I'm wondering if timing could make things work better, you know, all that first impression stuff? It is this specific scenario that i was writing about, earlier. Not others ... because for what ever reason ... this scenario is more often my experience ... and i naturally assumed that this was the scenario LA was writing about. (and of course ... we won't go there about assumptions, and what assumptions make me. LOL) my point is that in this scenario ... a Domina SHOULD BE Herself. Yet at the same time ... have a little trick or two ... up Her sleeve ... that plants a seed into the man's mind ... that there is more here than meets the eye. <smiles> And the trick(s) i am referring too are subtle mental stuff. You are all familiar with doing this in vanilla dating ... maybe a skirt with a suggestive slit ... high heels etc etc. i am suggesting You can also steal a page from the sophisticated gentleman's hand book and have a little mental game or two ... that You can employ at just the right moment ... when You think or feel You are being a bit ... dare i say "vunerable". You might think of it as a little "mind &%ck", that adds an air of mystery and intrigue to the man's mind. Makes him want to come back for more. Even while You are being Yourself. And i feel that if a man is really focused on You ... and genuine in his desire to get to know You better ... the little mental tricks will have a real impact ...

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 6:30:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika One guy looked at me once and said "you don't look so dommely" and laughed. I just leaned in, gracefully grabbed his tie and pulled him to me and whispered in his ear "in public, I am a Lady, always. Remember that. Now go get us Grey Goose Martinis, very dry, 3 olives" and then straightened out his tie and winked. i absolutely love this .... ROFL ... i bet You got an excellent Martini ... real fast !!! This is an example of the type of trick i am trying to describe in my earlier post ... And is a great example of creating an air of mystery ... all while being Yourself.

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 6:34:24 PM)
quote: i met a Lady at the door of a nice restaurant, found Her slipping Her arm around mine while walking to the Maitre d', then hearing Her say to the Maitre d' something to the affect of "My man and I would like a table ... And this one really did happen to me ... LOL ... i was floored ... and She was Herself all evening ... W/we then together for seven years ...

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 6:47:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit When he says maybe you should show some sign of dominance early on... What he means by this could in part help us understand what LA was addressing in the original post. I think it all plays into it all. Thank You Ms. Lockit ... You have my thoughts on this exactly right ...

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 7:12:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lockit The concept of a woman being too nice to fit an image of a dominant can be put off as I have put it off as a fantasy or quick to play, without my further explainations on how I come to that conclusion. In all honesty it isn't that I am trying to be fair to someone who has misconceptions and doesn't wish to change them... it is for those who are really confused or for those who are pretty together in their view of a dominant woman who just might need to see a bit of what a dominant is all about to see if they wish to go further. There are two sides of this that I can see... although I have my pretty firm opinions. lol I do think some good guys can get caught in that. Maybe we could explore that a bit. Not the true fantasy guy imposing his will or view of what a dominant should be... but the guys who are standing on good solid ground. They may get confused and must have some way to know if this woman can really be what he might need in a relationship or agreement to play. I say that with my strong words or how I want it to be, they should know, but I am open to learn a thing or two here and maybe there is another position I could look at. What exactly would a man see or think here? In person it may be one thing but we are online and many from here do get involved... so how does this play out? i am assume You are writing about first meets ... and so on. They are really tricky ... and not for the faint of heart. The key i think is high hopes and low expectations. i also think You have to be really open minded. i find it is really easy to exchange thoughts and thinking online via email. In some ways, you can almost hear the other person breathing. Yet You can also "vet" for weeks and months ... but that first meeting ... is still treacherous. In many ways it DOES NOT matter whether You meet through Collar Me ... or EHarmony ... the first is really very similar. There are soooo many variables ... i can't even quantify them .... That is why i do feel the little mental tricks i wrote about earlier are so important. It can become an art form ... and really create the right intrigue ... to make a second date possible. And now that i write about it ... i am beginning to think the REAL goal of a first date ... should be to make a second! LOL To be honest ... a sense of humor really is an asset ... a funny story ... joke or quick wit ... breaks a lot of ice and establishes some shared inperson rapport ... and really it is the feeling of shared inperson rapport that makes the second possible.

Lockit -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 8:00:01 PM)
I really don't think that getting that date or second date is a problem. What I see is that a lot of men want instant dominant and have some picture of what a dominant is in their mind. You can't be vulnerable with that. When you have been talking to someone and they are treating you well and not as an object or dominatrix with a bag of tricks... you decide to meet. At this point a lot could and often does change! They got that meet and many even though they say they don't expect anything... many do and they will let you know that somehow. Asking you if you want a massage or trying to hint at being willing to serve you somehow. One I met with, sat and stared at my breast for an hour. I didn't say a word about it waiting to see just how bad he would be. He sealed his fate. He did soon see my dominant attitude though! lol I will not wear things that denote I am anything but woman because I am not wanting to encourage sexual or kinky thoughts. I want him to see me... and if that comes in a smiling, laughing, woman determined to be who she is... and he can't see that there is more to dominance and submission... then I am sure we won't be seeing one another again. At this point, I am Lockit... woman... and maybe one day, a dominant to you. To be vulnerable with someone.. to be open, one must get passed those first meets or dates. Sometimes because of distance, the more personal comes out online or by phone and one can show some vulnerablity and things can be a bit backwards. You get closer without knowing so much. When there isn't a foundation for dominance and submission, how are you to move to vulnerability or things that might send a wrong message? Be nice... he doesn't believe you are dominant? Talk about yourself openly and damn... too human? What I see online if you don't meet right away is that men wish to belong... wish to have some dominance fairly quickly. In person or online, I believe the way I play, joke and talk of serious things, I show I am a dominant personality and have control of my household. What I am maybe not showing is how I am in kink or sexually. With some I may talk of mild things or in general as in interest, to be fair and see if it is worth a meet, but I don't get too deep that way. If there is a flirty something or attraction... that flows, I might be more aggressive in things and might show more, but first they have to like and respect the giggly, dingy, smart, humorous, caring person I am. Once I see that I am seen, I can be more vulnerable and/or a bit dominant. So what kinds of things without dressing sexy or in clothing that might be considered a sign of dominance... which anyone could wear and not really be or mind games maybe we are not ready for, can we do that would show a submissive male we are dominant? Does it have to come in a form of clothing or mental play? Are we catering to an image? I asked and ask now because I am trying to see what the responses are. So far some of us are saying they see me and think... no way could she be a dominant. Do clothes make the dominant... does an attitude or expression show our dominance? What? Or is it that we don't fit the image and must prove ourselves? I am all for understanding and hearing what people have to say... but at a certain point... if it means I have to present myself for a basic inspection of dominant powers... I will sit home and watch a chick flick. lol As a dominant woman I am a mix of many things. I have no doubt someone will respond to my dominance. I know how to play the flirty dominant or tease, what I don't know is if this submissive will respond to my giggle, my vanilla... my person outside of being a dominant so that I can be vulnerable with him and then rock and roll.

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 9:47:33 PM)
quote: I really don't think that getting that date or second date is a problem. Actually, for what ever reason ... i thought it was ... when You were striving to form a lasting relationship ... but then again ... i read the OP's profile so i assumed she was talking about starting a lasting relationship ... as opposed to just getting a date. Yet we know what assumptions do ... quote: What I see is that a lot of men want instant dominant and have some picture of what a dominant is in their mind. You can't be vulnerable with that. When you have been talking to someone and they are treating you well and not as an object or dominatrix with a bag of tricks... you decide to meet. At this point a lot could and often does change! You are 100% correct here ... what i think i am writing about is a vetted man with whom You both share an interest in potentially developing a real life relationship. And even with the best vetting a few will still slip through .... quote: many even though they say they don't expect anything... many do and they will let you know that somehow Yes, i will agree with this ... it does happen ... we males do get conditioned to play along to try to get what we want. LOL But that is where the vetting part comes in. i think i wrote something on the first page of the thread about the type of man ... quote: To be vulnerable with someone.. to be open, one must get passed those first meets or dates To be honest ... i often see vulnerability in online communication, even when the Lady who sends it thinks it it hidden ... but then again ... i read email better than posts! LOL In the beginning ... some really funny stuff can cause it not to work ... and the reasons are not always apparent or revealed.<laughs> One time, i drove two hundred miles to meet a lady ... had a great time ... but i never went out again because there was a smoking issue. Didn't tell her that was the reason though ... said it was chemisrty ... and she might have thought it was vunerability. <chuckles> Another time i drove to the lakes region north of toronto (thats a long way) ... numerous times ... then the lady i was seeing decided she did not want to work ... and i should deposit money every week into her bank account in windsor ... we need not discuss my reaction! LOL She might still think it was her vunerability ... ROFL my point here is vunerability, in an honest form, is really attractive. Yet chemistry, looks and vunerability are commonly used reasons for it not working. When there really are other underlying variables in play ... that you don't even know about. quote: Does it have to come in a form of clothing or mental play? Are we catering to an image? myself, i have met Ladies in jeans ... and i have met Ladies in formal gowns. The style of clothing only depends upon the place You are meeting. What really scores points is humor ... i think humor is a great way to establish inter personal rapport, and the real goal is that "inter personal rapport". (i am working this out in my mind, too LOL) But the type of mental tricks i was talking about earlier, can be a real powerful tool. The scenario i wrote about earlier, when the Lady took me by the arm ... that happened to me almost 20 years ago. And honestly, she was quite plain ... in fact ... i really didn't even want to go out with her ...but she captured my imagination in minutes ... because Her Dominant self was a natural part of her personality ... and her little trick ... put me past the "this is an easy lay" type of male thinking ... and i really started focusing on Her personality ... and i loved it ... and her! So in conclusion i think ... there is no one size fits all solution. You just keep trying ... experimenting and one day ... the magic dust hits you in the face. Because the day you give up ... is the day that you lose.

Lockit -> RE: Dominas, when do you show your vulnerable side? (1/22/2010 10:20:54 PM)
<<< Is never vulnerable in email! [:D] You be quiet! [sm=mistress.gif]

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