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Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 2:27:42 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		My first proper D/s experience was straight in the deep end, as a sub, and one of the things I wasn't prepared for was quite how much it was going to hurt (which sounds unbearably stupid looking back, I know). The first time I topped I wasn't at all expecting the chemical rush that came with being in charge, so I was in for quite a surprise...

So I was wondering how closely what you were expecting matched up to what you got, both when you first came to D/s in general, and when you tried more specific kinks? Was stuff more intense? Not as scary? Unexpectedly hilarious? Everything you'd ever hoped for or everything it had never occurred to you to want?

Sorry if any of the above sounds cheesy, but I do seriously want to know.


_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.



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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 2:31:14 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

My first proper D/s experience was straight in the deep end, as a sub, and one of the things I wasn't prepared for was quite how much it was going to hurt (which sounds unbearably stupid looking back, I know). The first time I topped I wasn't at all expecting the chemical rush that came with being in charge, so I was in for quite a surprise...

So I was wondering how closely what you were expecting matched up to what you got, both when you first came to D/s in general, and when you tried more specific kinks? Was stuff more intense? Not as scary? Unexpectedly hilarious? Everything you'd ever hoped for or everything it had never occurred to you to want?
Sorry if any of the above sounds cheesy, but I do seriously want to know.




All of the above bolded. Most things were more intense, not as scary, sometimes funny and most of the time, better than I expected. With my last situation, I went further than I ever dreamed of, even though I had wanted the things were doing, I had not thought I would like them, but I did.

I also tried things I don't need to do again, once was enough.


(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 2:31:47 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Wax. He was the one who wanted to do it, never had. I was meh about it but took it for him.
Funny enough, after doing it he was meh and I was "can we do that again, huh, can we?"
Total opposite of what we expected going in.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 6:31:23 PM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		My first was a vanilla twist affair that became a top and bottom kind of thing. Sometimes it was a rush, sometimes it was a disappointment, and sometimes it was hilarious. (Proper positioning of the sub while tying her up in the shower is crucial- half drowned is so not erotic). Overall, it was an educational and fun time. And i learned that just like int he vanilla world, sometimes it best to let go of expectations, because reality rarely can compare.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 7:31:45 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		I recently peed on someone for the first time...  I expected it to be... something...  either nervous or fun or sexy or embarassing or SOMETHING.  Instead it was "meh".  I could do it again, I could not, I don't really care.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to afkarr)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 7:48:23 PM   
osf


Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline 		i had great expectations my first affair but being new i fucked it up, took me 10 years to figure it out and a couple more fucked up relationships

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to RumpusParable)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 7:57:31 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

So I was wondering how closely what you were expecting matched up to what you got, both when you first came to D/s in general, and when you tried more specific kinks? Was stuff more intense? Not as scary? Unexpectedly hilarious? Everything you'd ever hoped for or everything it had never occurred to you to want?


The first experiences I had with D/s were over the internet. I did things he told me to do, such as applying nipple clamps. I became so aroused by it and so overcome by the interaction I went into deep subspace sitting in my room, him on the phone... he never tried this again with me because he did not expect it, and I did not know what subspace even was. We waited until we were together before he sent me there again... and because of the solo experience I had, I was prepared for what happened between us.




_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 8:02:54 PM   
AcademyForSlaves


Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi.

Less expectation means less disappointment. I like seeing where things lead and I think it's important for a sub to try that too. Follow the lead of the domme/dom and be pleasantly surprised. Live spontaneous and have FUN!!

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 8:10:01 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It was actually more disappointing more than anything else. I expected "doms" to be actually dominant personalities, to have integrity,  honesty, want to actually be a leader while his partner followed.

What I found instead was just as bunch of men looking for easy sex.

Thus I stayed single for a very long time until the past few years. <and I'm glad I did>


(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 8:22:57 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline
When I was younger, the fear of what they would bring in the darkness
I could liken to a tongue of fire licking every trembling inch of my skin.

Now they come and I laugh, I laugh.

Then I cry.

chia* (the pet)


_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 8:36:37 PM   
CNJDom


Posts: 186
Joined: 6/6/2006
From: Southern NJ
Status: offline 		I can safely say I was not expecting or fantasizing or even planning my first D/s experience:  it just happened.  It's not unlike when you stumble upon that first moment when you found out your body held a surprise that made you feel like someone turned on the hyper joy switch in you and you had your first stirs of sexual inkling or that first orgasm... it just happened and you had to catch up with yourself to figure out what had just happened.  There have been times years later that I was disappointed when I was played and due to things not going as I wanted, but for the most part, I keep an open mind on how things are going to go.  Usually I'm just amazed until I figure it out and then I'm proud and get that rush and even sometimes the illusive Dom-space and that feeling is wonderful.  Usually when I picture what I want to happen, I can usually maneuver a pleasant outcome. 

_____________________________

“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.”
 ~Ivan Panin

(in reply to chiaThePet)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 9:53:03 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline 		What is there to expect?

Like others I do not expect anything and I let the real happen. Cups of tea-or cups of not tea-are also applicable.


what


_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
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RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 9:55:04 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

So I was wondering how closely what you were expecting matched up to what you got, both when you first came to D/s in general, and when you tried more specific kinks?


I was lucky. The first person I met when I really wanted to try WIITWD out for size told me to approach this with high hopes and low expectations. Of course, having done this, I could be nothing other than pleasantly surprised.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 10:48:41 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		18 and having had twisted fantasies forever, I met a girl who was 26.
She was blond, bi and had ping pong paddles and no table.
I have an inquiring mind.
Questions were asked, interesting results followed.
The experience was radically unlike anything I had imagined. Not better, not worse, but infinitely and immensely  real.
The fantasy had never included her sweating, or the smell of her juice, or the way her eyes rolled back in her head and her breath came in great jagged gasps.
It had also not included her warmth, the tenderness that can occur in even the wildest scene, the way my heart surged when she acquisced, or the tremendous mental rush that comes with absolutely focusing all of my being into another soul.
In the end, I got lucky. She had much experience, I have a wicked and invented mind that likes to look, listen, learn, do.
Everything I know about being a dominant I was taught by slaves and submissive, amazing women to whom I am forever grateful.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/29/2010 11:57:28 PM   
bloomswell


Posts: 52
Status: offline 		I met a woman via a contact magazine in 1971 or thereabouts. It was my first time and she was full on. I was expecting spanking and whipping. I didn't expect to be stretched on a rack, injected in the scrotum and have oil of cloves squirted down my urethra before being wired for some painful electro play. It was agony and I didn't enjoy it at all. It was my fault as I'd failed to correctly negotiate the scene.

I persevered with the contact mags and after a while came upon people who were a better fit.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/30/2010 12:05:44 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

18 and having had twisted fantasies forever, I met a girl who was 26.
She was blond, bi and had ping pong paddles and no table.
I have an inquiring mind.
Questions were asked, interesting results followed.
The experience was radically unlike anything I had imagined. Not better, not worse, but infinitely and immensely  real.
The fantasy had never included her sweating, or the smell of her juice, or the way her eyes rolled back in her head and her breath came in great jagged gasps.
It had also not included her warmth, the tenderness that can occur in even the wildest scene, the way my heart surged when she acquisced, or the tremendous mental rush that comes with absolutely focusing all of my being into another soul.
In the end, I got lucky. She had much experience, I have a wicked and invented mind that likes to look, listen, learn, do.
Everything I know about being a dominant I was taught by slaves and submissive, amazing women to whom I am forever grateful.


I love that.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/30/2010 12:37:21 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		My introduction to the lifestyle was void of all that delicious anticipatory energy.

From the ages of 13 to 15 years old, I was employed and went to school. I also discovered sex, love, passion and the lifestyle. I had met an older bisexual swinger who shared me with her kinky female lovers. They introduced me to a variety of light BDSM like bondage, electro play, blindfolds and fantasy role play as well as good old fashioned kink like watersports and it was quite spontaneous. I didn’t have time for any expectations. It was more like, “this is my girlfriend suzy. If you spank her lik ethis, it makes her pussy wet”.

I discovered the emotional side of BDSM with a girl named danita (click for story), in a bizarre situation involving the practice of hypnosis from ages of 15 to 17. Despite the mild leather sex play the swingers had introduced me to, this was what I consider my first BDSM experience. It was my dominance and a little sadism emerging and exploring. Again, I had no prior expectations.

The first public BDSM scene I witnessed was a gay boy tied to a cross and they cut a slit in his nut sack and inflated it with a straw. Now that was something I didn’t expect and it exceeded my expectations for a public bar.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/30/2010 5:38:10 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
the thing about pain is that noone can remember what it feels like until it starts happening. so for me that 'surprise' element never goes away.

so in answer to youre question it was way more than i expected to 'feel' but because it was in context with 'fun' and sex it ended up feeling far more enjoyable.

if id just been beaten without the aspect of submission and wanting to please it would have probably just been god awful pain. its hard to measure, now i come to think of it. it must have worked out though, cos im still here

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/30/2010 7:18:35 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I had virtually no expectations when i met my Sir - my first bdsm experience - and he proceeded to demonstrate what it could be. The neat thing about having little idea of what real time can be , is that everything is a surprise.

For me the reality is a way to live that makes me happy, and content and stress-free (no migraines in 4 years!), with a man who is so easy to live with! Bliss!!!!!!!

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Expectation vs Reality - 1/30/2010 7:45:04 AM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
So I was wondering how closely what you were expecting matched up to what you got, both when you first came to D/s in general, and when you tried more specific kinks?


My first experience with impact play came during my first sexual relationship. We'd been out on the lake all day, and when we got home, he wanted to sleep and I wanted to have sex. After a lot of pestering I got what I'd asked for. Then as I relaxed during the sex I fell asleep and apparently let out an unladylike snore. So he snatched me up, turned me over his knee, and started beating my ass. While I was outraged at first, it didn't take long before he was hard and I was lit up like a firecracker, and so was my journey into BDSM and D/s begun.

The only "expectation" I had had going in was that it was totally wrong for someone to hit their partner, and during the experience I had this dawning revelation that context matters. I still believe it's wrong to hit your partner, unless there is consent involved. But wow, what I didn't expect was that it would be so much fun!

The thing about any type of specific kink technique that I have noticed is that if you go in with huge fantasy-fueled expectations, the reality can be a big letdown. That's because the sex inside your head is always better than what happens outside it. Which is why having a dominant who can "get into your head" and make you have the mental component with the physical component is so very, very satisfying.

I would think that dominants would have a harder time adopting to kinks that don't engage their brain, because servicing a sub's kink when it does nothing for you wouldn't bring that mental component. Of course, the dominant may be getting other things in this situation - rather than the mental engagement with the kink being practiced, the sub's helplessness, or pleasure, or pain, etc. may be rocking the dominant's world separate from the specific technique being employed. The cat may not like the flavor of mouse, but sure does enjoy chasing the terrified critter.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 20
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