RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please!

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NihilusZero -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 2:07:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie this is the first time he's been so hard on me... he told me tonight that he's been in sort of a "vendetta" mood in regards to me for a while and he doesnt like it. so obviously i've messed up so bad that he's wanting me to suffer for it. One thing he kept having me repeat tonight was "I am learning to suffer well Sir".... by learning to suffer for him, the pleasure will be so much better, is what he tells me. What is this in comparison to what you were led to believe you would receive from him? Did you enter into the relationship with an understanding of the degree of "suffering" you were intended to undergo for him? Are his declarations now incongruent to what you were told they would be? quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie I dont think its option 3 either becuase I told him tonight that I didnt think I was capable of serving him, that I felt like giving up and he told me that I am VERY capable and told me that if I wanted it bad enough, I would work harder. I tend to reserve judgment in one-sided stories, but this tidbit by him is just idiotic. Either that or it's desperate. It's a conveniently worded sentence showing he doesn't want to lose you irrelevant of whether or not you're a good fit for him (and vice versa). It works because it sounds domly and it has the feeling of cracking that slavedriver whip at your back in order to force more effort out of you...but if you are taking a moment when your head is calmer to assess the situation and honestly arrive at the conclusion that you can't (and don't want to) serve him, that's the only important issue. The only reason to hold on to someone when the relationship is broken is either emotionally malformed habit or desperation to keep the other as a type of possession. And, unless you're really into objectification, I do not see how this will be a good fit for you.

RCdc -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 2:11:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie Well, he IS experienced, has two other subs that have both been with him for about 3 years, I am the closest in distance to him though. Also I am sure he's had subs before these two. And he is very knowledgable... Length of time and the amount of girls that have served him does not equate to experience. If he is getting you to spend an hour on your knees on cam without any after care that is INEXPERIENCE. I am going to ask you these and hope you will answer... Have you discussed medical history with him? Did he get you to exercise/stretch/warmup first? Have you had to do an hour straight off without build up? (In 2 months, I would say that would be a no.) quote: I dont think its option 3 either becuase I told him tonight that I didnt think I was capable of serving him, that I felt like giving up and he told me that I am VERY capable and told me that if I wanted it bad enough, I would work harder. Personal experience would suggest to me it's a mix of 3 and 2. Look, RS is a cool and hard taskmaster from what I observed in my time on here... he is also very commited to taking care of his property though... and pretty much what I would call 'experienced'... and look how he responded to you... quote: I stand corrected , , , an hour on your knees with your nose to the wall is excruciating torture committed by an irresponsible Dom. It's all cool - it is natural to defend him the way you are... but realise that with the information you are giving us, then he is acting with poor judgement. Whether you accept that, comes down to you. the.dark.

TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 2:17:01 AM)
Thank you all for your responses... Dark, yes, we have discussed medical history no, i wasnt to do any stretching or anything. And no, this is the first time I have had to do this long of time. But, to be completely fair and honest, it wasnt an hour straight... I was allowed to lay down and rest twice, but only for 2 minutes each time. and honestly, I think that hurt worse... just barely getting my body stretched out and then having to go right back into that position hurt so badly. The second time, it took me over 30 seconds to go from my laying position to back into the stress position. He got angry about that and told me that I will improve on it.

Sundowner -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 2:18:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RCdc For me, he is being very immature, so please be aware that this may cloud my suggestions hunni. So, let's look at why he is doing what he is. It could be one of three things (not restricted to). He is testing your commitment. He is an idiot and very inexperienced. He is trying to make things so hard, that you will leave because he isn't dude enough to end it and if you don't then this relationship has a high possibility of becoming abusive and head fucky. I personally don't dig testing on either side. So if he is just testing how much you might submit, even in difficulty, for me I would find this immature. The third issue is your own personal responsibility to work through. No one can make the choices for you. If it's the middle and he is just not experienced, then you can be patient and try and talk it through with him. If he doesn't listen, then refer to the third option. Doing exercises on cam when he is only an hour down the road shows a lack of self control IMO. He needs to realise that hard muscle strain (and kneeling is just that, when it's for an hour) does cause the body to react. If he was responsible, he would be there. If he's not, he won't. Remember, my thoughts are based on the fact that you said you have tried to explain your difficulties, not based on humiliation play. the.dark. What she said. quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick At the risk of people saying that I'm overreacting, if I were in your position I would seriously think about whether I wanted to serve someone who dealt out punishment because I failed to hear what he said on the phone or on a webcam. Seems a bit like a childish temper tantrum to me, except that he has ratcheted it up into high gear. Cali And what she said. ------------------------------ You say he's experienced Jennifer but even chaps who've been playing a long time can make mistakes. (Not long ago I unintentionally made a girl kneel for too long till her legs were very unhappy. Kneeling's tricky - you can't see the pain - especially if the girl keeps quiet and just endures. Like you, she was totally wobbly for a while afterwards). But from what you describe it doesn't look good - I'd suggest you read the.dark's and Cali's posts again quietly and carefully (hey - you've got the two best advisors CM can provide giving you free advice!). Edited for grammatical improvement!

RCdc -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 2:39:30 AM)
Great about the medical history. No athelete nor anyone doing exercise, not even light yoga, goes straight into an exercise without stretching. It will ruin your joints and strain muscles - and your knees are one of the worst places for that. Experience teaches this... this is an example of why I suggested he is not as experienced as you believe. It;s also just plain common sense. When you start jogging, you should not go a do a ten mile run on the first go. You start low... and build up over a number of months. Kneeling is no different. In 3 months, unless you are doing this every day - you cannot be expected to do an hour straight off, even with a couple of 2 minute breaks. Again, experience. I am not saying that an hour is impossible, but how you have described puts you difficulty and possible future danger. I am glad you have opened up a bit more about how this came about. It's important for people posting on a forum to realise that the info they give out, if incorrect or not exact, will get specific responses which might seem harsh, which is why I have been trying to get the bigger picture from you. But that said, I still see a lot that causes me to be concerned about his experience. If - as you say - he is having issues (vendetta) and notices that - then he should not be dealing out punishments until he has got his head around why he is doing what he is and feeling as he is. the.dark.

Elizabeth666 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 3:40:56 AM)
I'm sorry this happened to you. But you got some great advice from people here and it's good to see that Wyld helped you with some after care :) I hope you can have a open and honest conversation with your Dom about this. But in my opinion, the punishment you recieved for such a small thing was extreme. Talk to him, let him know how you feel and how this has affected you. hugs

agirl -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 4:11:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie this is the first time he's been so hard on me... he told me tonight that he's been in sort of a "vendetta" mood in regards to me for a while and he doesnt like it. so obviously i've messed up so bad that he's wanting me to suffer for it. One thing he kept having me repeat tonight was "I am learning to suffer well Sir".... by learning to suffer for him, the pleasure will be so much better, is what he tells me. I find it quite incredulous that in the space of roughly 12 short weeks he's built up some sort of vendetta mood with someone he's still getting to know. In the same vein, his declaration that you are capable of serving him is based on a few weeks of talking to you and one physical visit. You know yourself FAR better than he does and if this behaviour is indicative of what's in store for you, I think you are the person best placed to decide whether you are capable or not. agirl

DesFIP -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 4:25:17 AM)
As RS said, doing a bait and switch is not fair. He's decided he wants someone he can torture without caring about. You aren't her. Besides I don't know any owner who doesn't take care of the property. Or does he key his own car for fun? A vendetta to break you? Without ever having mentioned the incompatibilities he wants to break? Red flag from where I sit. As is the showing up there when he knows you can't. He's demanding something you can't do so he has an excuse to punish you. And that's contemptible. Stop the cyber sex and cam stuff and just talk from now on. Because you shouldn't be having sex and being hurt by someone you aren't even friends with. And if he refuses, then you know he doesn't care about you and just wants a booty call. And you deserve better with that.

Lockit -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 4:43:04 AM)
What causes someone to feel a vendetta towards someone they are in a relationship with? To harbor resentment so much that they wish to get even somehow? Then punish that someone with built up anger? I wouldn't find this someone I would wish to even work out a relationship with. If someone is upset with you, they should be swiftly dealing with the situation, using reason in how and when that can happen, not harboring the emotions until they build up and then once they do build up rather than get dealt with, let's that build up come out in a way that hurts you and then blames you! I find more fault with his behavior than whatever you did, as you have reported it. Besides what was done and how you felt physically, what has happened emotionally? Do you now feel the same trust you once felt? And what is this bit about you having to travel to him and his not understanding that you cannot make the time? He cannot travel? He sounds unreasonable and problematic. I would be finding an adult to be with.

DarkSteven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 6:40:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie this is the first time he's been so hard on me... he told me tonight that he's been in sort of a "vendetta" mood in regards to me for a while and he doesnt like it. so obviously i've messed up so bad that he's wanting me to suffer for it. Huge red flags here. 1. It's far easier and healthier to make small adjustments along the way and fine tune how you please him. Saving it up and springing it on you as a surprise is not good sub management, and leads to a confused, upset, and hurting sub. As you know. 2. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he doesn't know the true meaning of the word "vendetta". It's a long held grudge, and has NO place in D/s. 3. Why did he think that he needed to have you do things to displease him, when he had the power to let you know and change, all along? quote: One thing he kept having me repeat tonight was "I am learning to suffer well Sir".... by learning to suffer for him, the pleasure will be so much better, is what he tells me. That screams red flags at me. Before I read that, I had assumed that he was simply having a bad day. But I suspect that he wants a sadistic relationship, and just sprung it on you. Expect more pain, more suffering, more nasty surprises. quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie . He yelled at me to get my arm off the ledge but wouldnt listen to me when I told him that it wasnt. If I feel that a submissive is lying to me, it's over. Accusing a sub of lying is a major, major thing for me. If you;'e willing to accept that he thinks that you're lying to him, there are big issues. I'll be very blunt. When I read your profile, I thought how wonderful it would be to have a sub like you serve me, and I will bet you anything that there are a helluva lot of Doms thinking the same thing of you.

xxblushesxx -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 6:54:10 AM)
You gave him the power over you, and you have the power to take it back. If you want a relationship with a sadist, stay with him. (it can be kind of yummy) If you want a relationship with a dom who will also care for you and love you, either "train him" to be what you want by taking back the power (no cyber and no phone sex, and real time only after you have a committed relationship), or if he's not willing to do that, find a guy who is. There are lots out there!!

UniqueRaven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 6:58:18 AM)
i've read the whole thread, and would like to offer a few thoughts and suggestions, if i may. For me, uncontrolled anger directed at me in such a way that it sets me up to fail is something i definitely want to discuss as i'm getting to know a new Owner. And as others have said, it can definitely be a red flag - and would cause me to seriously consider if he is right for me as an Owner, or not. You're beating yourself up so much for not hearing him and responding correctly, but it sounds to me as if your Dom was perhaps just waiting for anything you would say that he could use to enact this "vandetta" against your "princess" nature. i'm not sure why he had to use anger and harsh words to take you there and take you down to where you feel so horrible about yourself - especially over the cam/phone - this is emotional sadism, and i'm not sure that you're into that, or even ready for it yet. And it sure doesn't sound to me as if he discussed anything with you - which he doesn't have to, he has the right not to, but when it is your emotional state that he's working with it is so important that you feel "safe" with him emotionally, which is something he needs to address. i have never seen a D/s relationship succeed where the girl is made to feel over and over again that she has failed, and let him down, and that she needs to "work harder" to "earn" her place with him. It is a negative cycle, and it is human nature to at some point, either collapse from within into depression and low self-esteem, or just give up and walk away from the relationship all together. i understand that he says that he wants to bring out the "slave" in you, but as others mentioned you guys haven't discussed that, you're fairly new, and you need communication and understanding of what it takes to "go there" as a slave and still be mentally and emotionally healthy - and it is a long and slow process, not just being yelled at and forced to be on your knees for an hour. All this said, now that it is the light of day and hopefully you've had some rest and a hot shower, my one and only suggestion is to talk with him. None of us here are inside your Dom's head, and all we can go off of is what we've read here from what you're feeling, and experiencing. i encourage you to be balanced and calm when you talk with him, seeking information and give him information - say things like "when i was on my knees for that hour last night, i felt ashamed, and humiliated. i was so sad that i displeased you. The physical pain was more than i felt i could endure," and so forth. Try not to lose your emotional composure or ask questions like "Why did you do this to me??" because that won't help either of you. Ask him directly what his goal was for you to learn from the exercise - what is it that he's trying to teach you, or integrate? This is fine because he's trying to teach you something, so your desire to learn is good. And if his goal was that it was simply for his fun and amusement to hurt you, and watch you struggle, he should say so, but if this whole thing was just for his fun and amusement i would make sure he knew how it affected you. Why? Because in the future you're going to continue to be scared of what he wants you to do, and you're going to fail and resist (it's human nature) and you could very well just wind up in a cycle of repeated failure - again, not healthy. Be gentle with yourself and know that you are not a failure - if you are doing your absolute best to be pleasing and serve him, and are communicating openly and honestly with him, and are learning from your mistakes, you are a success. Eliminate "I'm sorry" from your vocabulary - unless you have intentionally done something that has hurt or damaged him in some way, you have nothing to be sorry about. Instead say "Thank you Sir for teaching me, I'm learning, and I will do better/work harder/listen more/etc. next time." And then ultimately decide if you can continue to serve him - or not. It is your choice, and asking to end a relationship that is uhealthy for you is again, not a failure - it just means you will be a better "fit" serving someone else. Feel free to message me on the other side as well - my profile is turned off right now as i'm moving forward with a new Owner, but i will send you a note so you can reach me. No need to respond unless i can help - but i'm always here to help. [:)] Big hugs sweetie, julie edited to clarify a point

Wolf2Bear -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 7:14:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie this is the first time he's been so hard on me... he told me tonight that he's been in sort of a "vendetta" mood in regards to me for a while and he doesnt like it. so obviously i've messed up so bad that he's wanting me to suffer for it. One thing he kept having me repeat tonight was "I am learning to suffer well Sir".... by learning to suffer for him, the pleasure will be so much better, is what he tells me. What I bolded is what I see the issue here. IMO...any so called dominant who decides to take his frustration/anger/whatever out on their sub deserves a smack with a 2x4. Any idiot can dominate through fear, a successful dominant knows how to use positive actions to have their slave/sub crave the control and keep coming back for more.

Phoenixpower -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 7:30:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie Well, he IS experienced, has two other subs that have both been with him for about 3 years, I am the closest in distance to him though. Also I am sure he's had subs before these two. And he is very knowledgable... I dont think its option 3 either becuase I told him tonight that I didnt think I was capable of serving him, that I felt like giving up and he told me that I am VERY capable and told me that if I wanted it bad enough, I would work harder. Sorry to hear about your experience and there is not much I can add to it anymore, as great advice from great regular folks from this forum was given... therefore I don't go back into his temper-attitude he seems to have, his lack of being bothered to clarify things (such as missunderstanding) and his way to deal with it. However I just wanted to make you aware about that he seems to enjoy using manipulation with emotional blackmail (or whatever it is called correctly), with saying "he ... told me that if I wanted it bad enough, I would work harder." This is something which would always pull the red flag for me already as he distracts from himself and puts blame on you, inclusive convincing you that you just have to put up with whatever he throws at you, if you want him badly enough...or with other words it could also imply that if it does not work out at the end, then it was as you lacked of not working hard enough on it....and of course would have no failure on his behaviour at all. reminds me quite frankly on a previous guy I was involved with where we havent had much personal contact (so slightly different situation) who said once to me a la I would just have to be patient and wait another half a year until we would meet again if I would like a future with him at some point (probably he fancied about 10 years later or so with his extreme snail speed to get to know each other better) as after all he is patient and a good guy... and I just thought to myself...oh yeah...do I really "just have to wait..." as he sits conveniently in his backseat? Lol, I don't think so...and off I walked.... So with other words he could not come through with previous big comments he made and thought that I like him now anyway and we met and so he can just take his time as I will just be stupid enough to wait for him and put up with it.... well...thats a lil bit the difference between a sub and a doormatt...as I do use my common sense (though sometimes a lil bit too late) and moved on. If the guy can't still treat me with respect as his potential property...then he can "play" with someone else such games but not with me as after all, proper trust needs time to build up and the way you describe him, I would not trust him. It sounds to me that you should really think about if you really want to put up with such behaviour when he uses such a petty reason as an excuse to punish you the way he did and isn't bothered about your needs.

OsideGirl -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 7:34:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie this is the first time he's been so hard on me... he told me tonight that he's been in sort of a "vendetta" mood in regards to me for a while and he doesnt like it. so obviously i've messed up so bad that he's wanting me to suffer for it. I have several issues with what he's done, starting with this. If he truly wants you to learn and grow he would accept honest mistakes and help put in place methods/systems/patterns to help you past them. Seriously, what did you learn while you had your nose pressed against the wall? You learned that he's angry. You learned that an hour in that position causes stress to your body. You learned that he doesn't trust you. (He didn't believe you about your arms) You learned that he'll change the dynamic of the relationship without consulting you. You learned that he doesn't give a crap about whether you're in pain and what the after effects are. You learned nothing about correcting the issue. You need to sit down and really think. Stop and think, is this what I want from a relationship? A month into the relationship he's still on his BEST behavior, imagine how it will be at 6 months when the shine is gone. The whole vendetta thing is just beyond words. Do you want to be with someone that feels that the need to get even? There were ton a little things he could have adjusted on the way to this point and he didn't do it, so the failure is his. not yours. Please, seriously go and think about this from all angles.

HisSweetElysium -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 7:38:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven i have never seen a D/s relationship succeed where the girl is made to feel over and over again that she has failed, and let him down, and that she needs to "work harder" to "earn" her place with him. It is a negative cycle, and it is human nature to at some point, either collapse from within into depression and low self-esteem, or just give up and walk away from the relationship all together. i understand that he says that he wants to bring out the "slave" in you, but as others mentioned you guys haven't discussed that, you're fairly new, and you need communication and understanding of what it takes to "go there" as a slave and still be mentally and emotionally healthy - and it is a long and slow process, not just being yelled at and forced to be on your knees for an hour. I agree 100%. Perhaps this type of relationship works for some, but it does not have to be this way. Being set up to fail is a horrible, destructive thing for a sub to endure long term. Challenged is another thing entirely, and with encouragement and support can be quite beautiful, but I see nothing beautiful about what you endured. Please think long and hard about your path forward. Being new, I want to remind you there are MANY MANY options out there, and many Doms who would like nothing better then to give you "most of the subs/slaves here are cared for and their needs are at least listened to". There is no need to settle. Hugs, if you want to msg me please do so. ~A

angelikaJ -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 7:45:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie this is the first time he's been so hard on me... he told me tonight that he's been in sort of a "vendetta" mood in regards to me for a while and he doesnt like it. so obviously i've messed up so bad that he's wanting me to suffer for it. One thing he kept having me repeat tonight was "I am learning to suffer well Sir".... by learning to suffer for him, the pleasure will be so much better, is what he tells me. So, he was already angry with you but he did not inform you. Instead he did not provide you with the information that he wanted you to modify/correct your behavior and because of the simmering resentment may have given an exaggerated response to a misunderstanding. He may be upset with your apparent lack of attention, but good communication skills are essential on both sides of the kneel. There is also the possibility that the 2 of you may have incompatible needs/wants. Not being a compatible partner does not make you a bad submissive.

sexyred1 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 8:25:56 AM)
OP, you have gotten some wise replies from the nice forum regulars which I will not repeat. What I will say is that you are young enough to still need experience in deciphering your own needs and old enough to know when you are in danger of being with someone who does not have your best interests at heart. One tends to recognize when a guy is being an unreasonable asshole, no matter how young, old or experienced. You should be able to hold on to your own self protective mechanism no matter how much you love being a sub. Never let that go and pain, physical or emotional, is there for a reason, it lets you know something is wrong. Unless of course you are a total masochist, but then you probably would not be identifying as a Princess or asking this question.

TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:30:57 AM)
Thank you all for your care and concern. I realized today that I am very resentful towards him for what he put me through last night. I had been working on a suprise for him (making him a flogger for V-day) and now I dont even know if I want to give it to him (after typing that out, i know it sounds bratty and immature, but how can i want to give something that I put so much care and consideration into if he cant put that much care and consideration into me?) I am going to have a talk with him at the earliest opportunity. Does asking him if we can just talk without the dynamic of Dom/sub(slave now) sound unreasonable? I think that might alleviate some of my fears of talking to him, becuase, now, i AM scared to tell him really how I feel, im afraid he'll do what he did last night.

sexyred1 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:36:42 AM)
No, talking to someone is NEVER unreasonable. And please, if you are afraid of what he will do because you tried to communicate with him, I am sorry, but he has to go. And you are right, here you are making him something with care and consideration and he is not offering the same. I am not saying that all things must be 50/50 since relationships ebb and flow, but in this case, just from what you have told us here, I think it sounds very one sided. Please think of yourself and your safety first. There are always guys to meet, but there is only one of you.

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