RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please!

RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (Full Version)

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DesFIP -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 5:03:55 PM)
Your profile is clear that what you need in a partner is someone who will comfort you after causing you distress. So why did you hook up with someone who doesn't care if you are in distress and will not give you any comfort afterwards? Why are you accepting things you know are not a good fit for you?

TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 5:05:12 PM)
I just edited my profile... before it said that I enjoyed punishment.

lizi -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 7:43:26 PM)
I'd just like to add that it's great you're being more clear in your profile but really where your input will matter the most is communicating with your partner. I'm not sure if you plan to stay with this Dom or what, but it wouldn't hurt to let him know exactly how things made you feel. In fact I'd say that is necessary. Writing him an email might work very well in this case - it removes things a little and tones them down and gives you a chance to think about what you want to say.

TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:07:14 PM)
I just spoke with Him, We spoke via IM, which i actually preferred because i could take the time to think about what and how I wanted to say things and to consider what he was saying even more carefully. Plus now I can go back and re-read the entire convo again. Im not sure if it put me at ease or not. I'm still so confused about everything... he said we will speak on the phone regarding the issue tomorrow evening.

DarkSteven -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:15:38 PM)
Good luck. I hope it all works out well for you.

LadyOddsworth -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:42:56 PM)
If you entered into this as a sub and he is talking slave now.. I don't know.. He also sounds a little volatile, perhaps unstable. Just my take on what you wrote.

Scotty306134 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:51:44 PM)
Tapedxcookie I'd really recommend paying attention to what Lally2 is saying.....anyone that can pose two grizzly bears like that is a force to be respected!!

TapedxCookie -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 9:58:24 PM)
Yes, I went and re-read what was written by Lally2... I did speak to him about the Vendetta thing... this is what he said "that was an expression to illustrate the point that I don't like feeling that way. it's a line I stole from something I read long ago... "a vendetta kind of mood" are you still alive? did you survive? I restrained a great deal of my anger last night. I was in control. I don't punish when I know I cannot control it." I did not ask him if the safeword is still effective during punishment, but he did make this comment "you can make a choice, end it...the punishment and the relationship... or.... realize how incredibly lucky you are to be punished, and be in my life." so I am guessing the safeword is out of the question when it comes to punishment

sexyred1 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 10:03:29 PM)
wow. you want to be with someone who does not allow you a safeword and it is not even a long term trusting relationship? jeez, I was in a 12 year relationship and I had a safe word (didn't really need it, but still...). you should have said, hey dude? you are incredibly lucky a 25 year old like me is in your life; it works both ways. Also, the fact that he admitted he was restraining a great deal of anger leads me to believe you may be in trouble down the line. But you got a lot of really excellent advice here and I think you are going to do what you want, as we all do, in the end. Hope your journey turns out to be safe and as you desire.

WyldHrt -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 10:04:24 PM)
quote: "that was an expression to illustrate the point that I don't like feeling that way. it's a line I stole from something I read long ago... "a vendetta kind of mood" are you still alive? did you survive? I restrained a great deal of my anger last night. I was in control. I don't punish when I know I cannot control it." quote: "you can make a choice, end it...the punishment and the relationship... or.... realize how incredibly lucky you are to be punished, and be in my life." Sweety, I can only speak for myself, but this guy sounds like a Grade A asshat trying to cover up the fact the he was not in control. Lucky to be in his life? Not likely. For myself, I'd kick him to the curb so fast his wanna-Dom head would spin. I'll repeat something posted earlier (I think it was from Des). You've only been together for a month or so, and he is still on his best behaviour. Do you really want to be around then he relaxes and lets go?

QuirkyAnne -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/1/2010 10:16:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie he told me that I am VERY capable and told me that if I wanted it bad enough, I would work harder. I was reading along the various posts, just collecting information and waiting to make a collected statement till I saw this, then the red lights started flashing and sirens going off. The fact that he disciplined you in this manner for what, as far as I'm concerned was a mistake and/or a mild infraction a the most is bad enough. No dom should ever put a sub through that kind of stress without being there to provide aftercare, especially when he's only an hour away. Further, you signed up to be a SUB and suddenly he's telling you that you're now a SLAVE? Hell no. As one other poster stated, you should NEVER trust a man who pulls a bait and switch, no matter how much fun you've had with them in real life. But the next to last straw for me is your telling him you weren't sure you could serve him and his pulling what is essentialy the guilt-trip-oh-shit-I-better-keep-my-sub version of, "If you were a REAL sub, you'd do [insert hard limit act here]," that countless wannabes and amateurs on this site rely on to try and get what they want with no thought or concern for the submissive needs/limits/physical health. But lastly... The icing on the cake was this statement... quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie I did not ask him if the safeword is still effective during punishment, but he did make this comment "you can make a choice, end it...the punishment and the relationship... or.... realize how incredibly lucky you are to be punished, and be in my life." so I am guessing the safeword is out of the question when it comes to punishment Honey. This is emotional blackmail at its finest. my suggestion is that you run, do not walk, away from this man. If this is what he truly believes and he has this little control, he is NOT the kind of man you need dominating you. In fact, this attitude is outright dangerous. What you've described here hits close to home with what my first dom did to me that made me run screaming from BDSM for several years before I learned that there are CAPABLE ones out there and I ventured back. Shoot me a C-mail if you need to talk further.

lally2 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 5:25:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Your profile is clear that what you need in a partner is someone who will comfort you after causing you distress. So why did you hook up with someone who doesn't care if you are in distress and will not give you any comfort afterwards? Why are you accepting things you know are not a good fit for you? i think thats what she's trying to work out with this thread. the other night was the first time that he didnt provide aftercare. but it was a punishment not a play scene. some D's dont provide aftercare after punishment. the punishment was heavy, but instead of her coming out of it feeling that she wants to do better for him, she's been left feeling resentful and upset. so it didnt work very well. in her head, punishment equates to a few hard swots on her bum - that might be her ideal punishment, but if its going to be punishment he's not going to do what she wants, he's going to do what he wants and that may not compute well for her. accepting hideous punishment is part of the deal, certainly the deal she entered into 3 months ago. in a way she misrepresented herself with the punishment 'need', she's changed that - but if he was under the impression that she's a bit of hard ass and needs to be put down a peg or two she needs to work out if that is an accurate estimation of her, given her self representation or if he went too far, but its tricky, is she actually now as his slave, entitled under his ownership to hope for him to ease up. really its down to her to stop pushing for punishment or put another way, submit. looking at it from his perspective, all that he did was pull her up short and give her a hard time. her profile does come across as being someone who wants a hard task master. thats what shes got. maybe its a case of 'be careful what you wish for'. been there, done that - its all about learning and discovering ourselves beyond the fantasies we've been harbouring for years prior to discovering fantasy and realty dont always equate.

lally2 -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 5:38:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Scotty306134 Tapedxcookie I'd really recommend paying attention to what Lally2 is saying.....anyone that can pose two grizzly bears like that is a force to be respected!! [:D] but subbie bear is giving daddy bear a blow job! - and a very good one by all accounts [:)] its lovin' in the loaming.

xxblushesxx -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 6:09:24 AM)
OP, just off the top of my head, there actually are men who can handle a bubbly/bratty personality without letting it get to him or taking it too personally. I believe you wanted a Dom who is less "serious" about the punishment dynamic, and who will enjoy your service for what it is. The idea of a man who won't let you get away with being the free spirit you are is often much hotter in fantasy than it is in reality. I've always let it be known that I'm a bit of a brat...not in that I talk back a lot, but in that I like to tease and "push his buttons" when the timing is right. We also don't have a punishment dynamic. I do my best to do the things he requires of me, and when the hurty things come out it's playtime, not punishment. Perhaps you should begin by dating or at least getting to know a few different doms who interest you. They all have their own way; you just have to find the one whose style clicks with yours. If not, you may be trying to fit yourself into something that really isn't right for you. Without a serious committment for change on your part, that just doesn't work.

jstkrs -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 6:35:58 AM)
"I restrained a great deal of my anger last night." In my honest opinion, an angry dom should not play, should not punish, should not touch a sub. Restraining a 'great deal of his anger' means he hit you (figuratively) with some of his anger. If he'd been in control then none of his anger should have carried into play. Didn't we learn in kindergarden to use our words and not out hands when we were angry? No matter what he says if you did not agree to be his slave, you are his sub. And I'm sorry, some will disagree, but the safeword is always in effect (for both parties). This is a consensual thing that we do and we have the right to say 'when'. As for the issue of your profile, about wanting punishment, I would venture to guess that your idea of what consider punishment and what he considers punishment are entirely two different things. I don't see this as either one of your faults, a misunderstanding and more negotiation is in order. If he refuses to negotiate, if he's still stuck on the I'm-the-Dom-and-your-feelings-don't-matter attitude and gives you the 'it's my baseball and I'll go home if you don't play the way I want you to' lines then I honestly think he is a bad match for you at best and an abuser in the guise of a dom at worst. You are a beautiful girl, thoughtful and smart. You would have no problem finding someone more suited to your needs.

HisSweetElysium -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 6:56:03 AM)
This slave has had extremely bratty and temper tantrum type moments, the worst of which is not even so far in the past. I pretty much said "game over" and refused to do anything He told me to do, including speak to Him or look at Him. He tried to pick me up and I fought Him so vigorously that if He had persisted He might have hurt us both. It hurt Him deeply. I slept on the couch fuming in anger rather than take His statement of "when you're done pouting come to bed and let me hold you" to heart. Nope, not me! The next day He came out and sat next to me on the couch, looking very sad, asking me why I didn't come to bed. By now I was feeling pretty stupid for blowing it up to the level I did, but no, I still wasn't ready to admit I was wrong. I continued to not speak to Him beyond monosyllables, not make eye contact, etc. He got ready for school and sat down to put His shoes on, something I always do for Him, and I couldn't take it. I went to Him, knelt, put my forehead on His foot, and cried. He embraced me, told me He loved me so much, that I was His good girl, and kissed me. Later I asked to be punished, as I felt so bad for my behavior, and He gave me what I needed. NEVER, in all of this, did He pull or say anything remotely like this: quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie I did not ask him if the safeword is still effective during punishment, but he did make this comment "you can make a choice, end it...the punishment and the relationship... or.... realize how incredibly lucky you are to be punished, and be in my life." so I am guessing the safeword is out of the question when it comes to punishment When I got punished for the above mentioned incident, I DID use my safeword and guess what? The moment I did, the lashes stopped and I was in His arms. If you like what's going on, fine, enjoy, but it does not seem like you do. There are other options out there, please don't settle. As others said it does sound a bit like the tip of the ice burg with the anger issues. My Master sometimes has frustration and anger from His daily life that He likes to work through with me physically. And that's okay, because it's always with respect to me any my feelings first and foremost. He loves and appreciates the fact that He has a woman who will provide this for Him, He is too intelligent to risk losing that over vetting of rage inappropriately. Being able to blow off SOME steam in this way all the time is a damn sight better than blowing off ALL your steam once, and having that person fear you and leave. Your dom should consider this before unleashing his VENDETTAs in the future. He sounds like he has a great deal of growing to do. I do wish you the best....

jstkrs -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 7:16:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium As others said it does sound a bit like the tip of the ice burg with the anger issues. My Master sometimes has frustration and anger from His daily life that He likes to work through with me physically. And that's okay, because it's always with respect to me any my feelings first and foremost. He loves and appreciates the fact that He has a woman who will provide this for Him, ... ... He sounds like he has a great deal of growing to do. This is a very good point and I hope she takes what you have said to heart. Just to reiterate what Elysium said Blowing off steam is a good thing, Blowing up not.

OsideGirl -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 7:38:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TapedxCookie "you can make a choice, end it...the punishment and the relationship... or.... realize how incredibly lucky you are to be punished, and be in my life." Wow...there's some arrogance. In your shoes, I would have chosen to end it. You're focused on something totally different than I am, but they'd be huge to me: 1) He's called you a liar. 2) He thinks he gets to change the dynamic of an agreed upon relationship upon his whim.

Mercnbeth -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 9:03:46 AM)
quote: He told me that no longer will he train me as his sub, but now I am going to be trained as a piece of property, His slave. is that what you signed up for, slave training...and to be considered owned property? changing the dynamic once it has been established and agreed upon sounds like something ALL the partners in the relationship should be on board with, wouldn't you agree?

jstkrs -> RE: HELP! Im not sure what to do! please! (2/2/2010 9:06:25 AM)
I don't want to beat a dead horse but I am really concerned for you, Cookie. This quote is from another thread on the subject of punishment. He says it from the Dom's perspective and much clearer than I could. quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Now I don't personally prefer the word punishment, because that's not what I am really trying to do. If I want to hurt her, I don't need to wrap it up in any games or tricks, I just do-shit, that's part of what slaves are for. No, what I am really trying to do is get her to modify her actions to act in accordance with my desires.So that's what the consequence is, not punishment but behavior modification. Let it be noted here I don't give out casual consequences. I think them through, I consider and evaluate the situation, and when I decide it's based on sound reasoning that I am quite capable of justifying. She knows it, I know it, and it's talked through before the consequence is rendered (nice word that, eh?). Things are straightforward until here, but now things get ethically tricky because this cuts in a large part to the heart of a bound relationship. ... -Perhaps the most important thing a dominant can give a submissive/slave/whatever is consistency- Structure is important, people. Nobody likes operating in an environment where the ground rules shift all the time, especially when they are shifting on entirely random principle such as fickle winds or emotional appeals or good moods. Think about work experiences you have had where everyone waits with bated breath to see what mood the boss is in that day. It's a shitty way to run any operation, much less a relationship. ok, I'm done. I'll shut up now.[sm=soapbox.gif][sm=soapbox.gif]

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